shopping, part III

So, I've read in many places that maternity clothing pretty much sucks. However, I have also seen and read that that's all in the past, that no longer do women need to wear their husbands large dress shirts to work. Well, that's true, BUT finding not just flattering but nice things, is really hard.

First of all, paying $75 for a pair of regular pants I can do, especially if I wear them to work, etc. Doing that for pants I'll wear for four months is insane. The pants that cost $30...look like shit on me.

Also, this small, medium, large sizing thing just doesn't work. I need to find my SIZE.

Lastly, wearing that friggin panel thing is really uncomfortable. I'm sure that will change when I can fill it out but it sucks for now.

Jeans, on the other hand, seem easy to find....funny, I can't wear THEM to work!

So, I went to the only GAP that has a maternity section today--in Philly. I found great black pants---looked real, were in my normal size, had a half panel thing, and ONLY came in black. So, I went online when I got home and realized most pants ONLY come in black. I can't wear black everyday. So there's another problem. ugh.

I can't wear my normal pants....I can sort of get into my favorite suit, but that won't last much longer. I have a conference in two weeks so I really need something to wear.

Well, I'd rather be bitching about this than something else, I guess. At the same time, can't anything be easy?

christmas and the doctor, and a bit of snow...

Ah, the first overwhelming snow of the season. We got like a foot last night. Now, that in and of itself wouldn't have been that bad, but we had to visit my brother for Christmas number 3 but had to be back home because we had our first appointment with our real OB the next morning. State of Emergency in Philly...thankfully we are in the burbs. Still a hell of a ride home last night.

Anyway, the doctor was fine. I sound really healthy-minus the whole infertility thing. I did have to get weighed, after three Christmas celebrations. I figure that at least 3 of those pounds are holiday weight gain and bloating from too much sodium. SO, the 10 total pounds is really 7. I was so nervous about my blood pressure but it was actually really good. I guess I am looking for things that could go wrong. We heard the heartbeat but weren't surprised or overly excited which was probably odd to the doctor or nurse. I mean, we hear that on our own! The most dramatic part of the visit was getting there. We borrowed my in-laws four wheel drive car, which got us there in plenty of time. We got there before the doctor did, that's for sure. I like him. He's not arrogant like Dr. God, but he talks pretty fast and asked if we had any questions. My only question was are we behind the 8 ball since this is our first visit and we are 19 weeks. He said no, especially since Dr. God had such a hold on us for so long. AND I was doing fine, nothing to worry about. He did talk to us a bit about the other twin, but said it wasn't something to worry about. Little does he know of my google habit. I know all about vanishing twins.

Next hurdle is the 20 week ultrasound and blood tests and the second half of whatever genetic testing we need to do. I do hope we can see the sex, and I feel like people usually can. We don't see the OB again until the 24th. I'm cool with that. I have a lot of researching to do between now and then.

Surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of baby type stuff for Christmas. Actually the d-man and I exchanged little outfits. D-man bought Eagles onezies and I bought Phillies (mine were newborn, his were six months--that actually works with the seasons, not that d-man knew that). That's a big reason to have a baby--you get to dress it up! haha.

Okay, now to read the stuff we got at the doc's!

Reality Check

Scary things never stop happening. No, this isn’t with me, or in my head or whatever, but there are things happening around me that are a constant reminder of the fragility of this whole pregnancy.

An infertile friend of mine actually found out she was pregnant about six weeks ago. She had just put in her adoption paperwork so it was a bit odd. Her history is miscarriage so I’m sure she wasn’t totally confident. I hadn’t heard from her in almost two weeks so I feared the worst. She finally called and explained that she had been bleeding a lot and the heartbeat was kind of low. This doesn’t mean anything necessarily, but she was lying low and is pretty nervous. She’s now at eight weeks, which may be as long as she’s ever been. I can’t imagine continually getting to this point only to have it end in such a dramatic way. I’m praying for her.

A friend of the D-man’s wife was recently told to stay home from work—bed rest essentially because her blood pressure was high, too high. She is also an infertile and this was an IUI pregnancy. My first reaction was, okay, that sucks, but do what you gotta do. Then we found out that she was admitted to the hospital so they could monitor her. She was there maybe two days when the D-man got a text saying that she was having an emergency C-section. The baby was born yesterday at 25-26 weeks and one pound, nine ounces. I don’t know what will happen but we are praying for them, too.

This scares me, of course. Confident, I am anything but, which isn’t a surprise statement. However, these things are real, they are close. I don’t know what my blood pressure is to be honest. I still have two weeks until I actually see my OB for the first time. Aside from fearing everything that could possibly happen, I find these situations remarkably unfair. These are people who have struggled over and over and they do not deserve to have to go through anything like this. It makes me question a lot of things. It tests faith and hits on many emotions. I just have to think that these are people who are stronger because of their struggle and that will pull them through these temporary situations.

Shopping? Done.

So, I know you are all dying to know about the shopping excursion. I’ll leave out the details, but it was a success! I now have a good start to another wardrobe. “They” say that the best thing to do when you need maternity clothes is to borrow them. Well, a friend of mine jumped the gun on that and sent me a bunch of her stuff, size small. She’s about 130 pounds normally and I started at 164. You do the math on that one. Shopping and having family purchase the clothes because you used up all of your money on the fetus is the second best thing. I’m actually wearing a sweater from the trip today—it can go either way. I also let the office know, which was okay. I got bombarded by a couple of the older women but nothing too crazy. So, feeling pretty okay. I just have to figure out when to actually wear these new purchases. Maybe I’ll test a pair of pants out on Christmas. I’ll need the room anyway…..

shopping....

So, a couple of things....First of all, I definitely am getting fatter. I don't know if I look pregnant, though I would say no, but my pants are seriously uncomfortable if I can get them to actually button. It makes work rather interesting--especially since only three people that I work with even know. I really don't want everyone to think I am getting super fat, and well, lazy. I mean, shit I am even back going to the gym. So, this leaves me with two things to do: #1 tell my co-workers, and #2 shop.

My boss offered (jokingly...I think) to email everyone. Um, no...I'll just have to deal with the 50 year old secretaries on my own. Or, I wait until the department christmas party on Friday and maybe they'll notice I'm not drinking. I'll keep you posted.

Now, shopping. I got a text and several emails from my mother in law who, if you have been paying attention, has been overwhelming and annoying throughout this process. The reason is her excitement is not coinciding with my fear. I get that her daughter lives 3000 miles away so she missed all the pregnancy stuff, but I am very self-sufficient and I share the pregnancy stuff, along with everything else, with certain friends. I don't share with my own mom, so she can't expect me to offer up all details and want to shop with her for baby crap constantly, but she does.

Well, I did buy a bigger bra and two be-bands (target version of bella band) so that was really it. I am literally scared shitless to go to a maternity store...or well, I was. I felt that I still don't belong, that I'm not worthy of it. I asked the resolve message board for advice and they were all very responsive and helpful. I was told that it's just shopping, that I should try to bring a supportive friend first (can't really do that...) and that I shouldn't let infertility rob me of what should be fun. That kinda got to me, because that's exactly what's happening. They also said that I would be much more comfortable. Since I can't wear sweats to work, I'd agree with that one.

So, I am going with the MIL on Monday. She said her daughter really liked the maternity section at the GAP and somewhere else. I think I want to go to an actual maternity store, though. I am up to it. Especially if the MIL is going to buy some clothes for me. Wish me luck!

"But That's Harvesting Babies!!!"

That is exactly what a friend said to me at brunch over Thanksgiving. Now she is very supportive (I think) of what I have done and the conversation began with her asking me how many embryos we got, the process, etc. Another friend at brunch asked me what happens to those embryos that we don’t use. I said well, they are siblings, or can be, but we didn’t have any to freeze so we’ll have to go through this whole process again. I then talked about the paperwork that had to be filled out before we did the cycles, specifically about what happens to extra embryos. I mean, we had to answer questions of what happened if one of us died, if we both died, if we got divorced, etc. I said we put that we would donate everything to research (as was an option), that since they are now doing stem cell research anyway, it was perfect. Then the comment came.

I bring this up, not because I was angry that she said it, though I was ready to throw down if the fourth member of our group didn’t change the subject faster than you can say Christian Fundamentalist. I think for this friend, specifically, she is super conservative and religious. I mean, we definitely bashed Sarah Palin at that brunch (I mean, why not?) and this person was very quiet. She is also a scientist by profession so it’s all very odd to me. The thing is, there ARE people out there who think things completely in a way that I think is not only wrong but backwards. I’ve said this before, that the ignorance and beliefs of others may make me not want to share the conception process of my child with anyone.

My thoughts are these: there is no way to harvest a baby; that seems a propaganda line. You can harvest eggs and fertilize them with sperm, and I CANNOT imagine why anyone would want to do that (unless they were paid) for blatant research purposes. Also, most of these embryos will not become babies even if they are transferred. Our “extras” didn’t make it past four days and of the three we transferred, ONE made it. I’m not saying the science won’t get better, and I hope to God it does, but saying that you are creating a baby to test is not really the case. These are embryos that exist, and can be researched to help countless others to live, live longer and live a better life.

So I don't know exactly where I am going with this, whether it is a political piece on why I think we should continue stem cell research, or whether I don't feel comfortable around people who don't fully support my choices, or another reason to not tell people about the whole IVF thing. Ah, I was just pissed.

interesting day at the office

So, I went in this morning feeling pretty fat. Oh, and looking pretty fat. Again, do I look pregnant? I don't know, but I am beginning to feel like I ate too much (oh yeah, Thanksgiving and 8 pieces of pie...). I am officially up 4 pounds since this all started, and 2 of those are from this past week I think!

Anyway, things were moving along quite well. I had lunch with my best work friend and told him I was pregnant. He was happy for me, so I felt better telling at least someone. Then I went to get something signed in the office of someone I see about once every three weeks or so. He's a talker and I tend to get stuck there for about 45 minutes or so. This time, as I was listening to another story about Miami's football team, I started to feel odd, like kind of sick and all I could think was that I needed to get out of there. Then I got super dizzy and told the talker I needed to sit. My hearing got odd, like the volume was turned down or something. Eventually, I felt better but for a few minutes I thought I was going to pass out. ugh....so I have read that dizziness is somewhat common right now, but I am not a fan.

I also told my boss. He was happy for me. I knew he wouldn't be the issue, it's more the secretaries that I am dreading finding out. They constantly barrage pregnant women and I literally share the suite with them so it should be interesting....

Tis the season for germs and looking fat

So, first of all let me just say that I have gained one or two pounds depending on when I weigh myself. I'm not happy about that and I attribute that to birthdays at the office and not going to the gym for three months. I was bloated with hormones, then when I got to stop injecting them, I was good for a week, and now I am friggin bloated again! I don't look pregnant, I look fat. No question about it. And let me tell you, I wasn't thin to begin with. I'd be fine except I have to accept that people at work think I have let myself go, or that's how I see it. I am wondering when this whole belly thing happens, and I PRAY that I can stay sort of fit otherwise...of course I have heard horror stories of other swollen body parts.

Now, just as I got the go ahead to work out, I also got an annoying cough, post-nasal drip, and lots of mucus. I was waiting for it to clear up while I was unable to fall asleep or feel good enough to go anywhere in the morning, and well, it didn't. I called Dr. God's office and the nurse said I could take cold meds and cough drops. I guess that's good, but it didn't do much so I called my GP. I am on Amoxicillin now but who knows how long this will last. Last night I was hacking so hard I made myself throw up. That may be TMI, worse that you all knowing how many times I've had an ultrasound wand up my vagina. Even worse than that, though, is that the d-man got seriously ill last night. Came out of nowhere! Diarrhea, vomiting, now a fever. It's like someone up there really wants us to practice abstinence. His comment this morning was "how can I be a father if I am always sick?" Um, I think everyone is sick once in a while, dude.

Of course we are headed three hours away to see family and friends for Thanksgiving...so let's hope he can fight this off. Let's hope my antibiotics work! I did get to tell my GP that I was pregnant. He knew about the whole IVF thing so I think he was happy about that. He is NOT the Dr. God type.

Well, anyway, here's to health and us finding it! This trip could be quite interesting...

Graduation Day!

So today was officially our last appointment with Dr. God. The ultrasound looked good..we got to see how the 90 thousand dollar machine transformed our little fetus into a 3 dimensional cute little alien. I'd like to think that we paid for some of that.

So, the visit was very lighthearted. Dr. God was joking around with the nurse. When we said that the NT scan looked good on the screen, he of course said that he'd been checking the whole time so he already knew that (right). Toward the end he asked us if we wanted to know the sex. Now, the sonographer during the NT scan said that Dr. God tends to do that and is right about 50% of the time..okay... So, anyway, he showed us why and that he thought it was a girl. After he left the room, the nurse said not to bank on that, that she thinks it may be a boy, that he just likes to guess. So, after all that, it's about a 50/50 chance it's a girl, or a boy.

I have this fear that if it's a girl, someone will take our chosen name. I do know eight people who are due before us (seems like a bunch) and I am almost wondering if I should tell everyone that they can't use our name. Stay away from H!

Anyway, the nurses wished us well and said to stop by to show off the belly. I don't think I really want to do that to the infertiles in the waiting room. Maybe....

So, now we have like 2 months before the next appointment. Are you kidding me?!?! I guess that's normal but it seems crazy to me! I'm not even sure if I am supposed to call the doctor that Dr. God referred us to.

Well, I am super psyched to get to this point, but still nervous as hell, of course. We'll be telling the rest of the fam this worst kept secret we have. Then a whole new can of worms opens....

feeling sick and I hate the Duggars...

So, I stayed home today. My boss was out yesterday morning and I think whatever he had, I got....I also got a flu shot on Wednesday so my crappy immunity is to blame. No drugs? hmmm. I am sure if I was not pregnant or actually had something important to do at work, I'd go in, but since I have to work on Saturday, I am entitled. I may just forget to fill out my sick slip, too...

I am thinking cold that is deciding whether or not to turn into a full-on sinus infection, that I am prone to. I hope not. I'm okay with being sick but I do fear a fever. I've had lots of tea (decaf, since d-man fears me ingesting any caffeine) and I've been peeing like its my job. The coughing sucks but I'll live.

What I am dealing with is crappy daytime tv. I figure I should lay around all day. I actually thought of going to the gym, and in another situation, I would have but I'm proud that I am lounging. I did OnDemand some shows and I've been watching TLC most of the day. Now that I am more positive, I don't cry during Baby Story, so there's that, What Not to Wear, and Bringing Home Baby. I view all of that as research. (yes, I need some more professional clothes, too). There is a constant commercial about the Duggars grandchild's first birthday. That whole family and show is a huge slap in the face to anyone struggling to get pregnant, and now the friggin KID is having the 2nd grandchild...according to the commercial. Makes me want to puke. And I thought that part was over. I'm going to forever hate that damn show.

That's an ultrasound? But it's not in my vajay-jay?

Today was the NT testing and the ultrasound at the Antepartum Center. The d-man and I went in and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Oh my god, this was actually covered by insurance. We were asked who are doctor was. I stumbled a bit and said, "well, we don't actually have one, yet but we are seeing Dr. God right now." Okay, she said. Apparently Dr. God has been referring his patients to a specific doctor. I think that was who were were going to go to so we said, sure, that's him.

Anyway, after getting blood from my finger (I hate that), we went in and got a regular ultrasound. I looked at the nurse like why was she here? She kind of laughed and said all of Dr. God's patients expect a vaginal ultrasound. Well, it went pretty well, every measured how it was supposed to. The skin and fluid around the neck were normal, the size was right on, it was moving around. The blood test we'll get back soon. If it's normal, it's a letter, if not, we get a phone call. Now they did say that the other 6 week old embryo that's still kind of just in there may screw up the results a bit, but we'll just have to wait and see. D-man is all about the ultrasound and thinks we can't rely on the blood test but I don't know, I kind of want a clean bill of health.

So, I am feeling a bit better about this. We have an appointment for the 20 week scan. The one doctor said that will check for birth defects. He kept friggin saying that too. I'm looking at it as we get to see the sex. I can't believe it's not until January. UGH!

looking at it all....

So, I have been probably doing a disservice to some extent with my blog here. In an effort to be toned down and readable, I’ve focused on things that have happened, but not on how I felt about them. I was faced with this today, to figure out where my emotions were for the past few months and though I know how I have felt and what I have done, my knowing doesn’t explain my actions.

No, I haven’t done anything that crazy I don’t think. I’ve avoided people, told “white” lies, ignored things and events and haven’t been a friend for a while. I was hit with this by more than one person in the past few days and now that I am approaching myself again, I feel like I can go back to calling people on the phone, or listening to work issues over dinner. I did write that this experience may have changed my friendships because of me, and I think it has. I do think that I have the power to bring them back.

But that’s not the point of this post. I think it’s more of an account of what I’ve been going through. I wanted this blog to help people understand infertility and to be a place where I could vent. I think both are important.

From the beginning of this blog, I’ve been out of sorts emotionally. I was completely devastated by the news that the first IVF failed. I’d never cried like that in my life, and it was kind of overwhelming at first. BUT, I did realize the possibility of that and that we were ready to go again. I didn’t want to really share my disappointment because, well, I don’t do that. I hide my emotions from others (except d-man, he gets the brunt). That’s why I went right to therapy in January. I couldn’t let others know this was hard—so I had to tell perfect strangers. Now some of them aren’t strangers, and they are the most supportive.

If you read about everything that happened this summer, before we did the second round, you may be able to tell that it had quite an effect on me. I felt very alone when my friends didn’t really respond to an email I sent explaining what I was going through. Even before that, when I got reactions about infertility that weren’t supportive or they didn’t get it, I made the effort to avoid that person. I GET that some people can’t understand, or really just think it’s not that big of a deal. That actually prompted this blog idea. This also may be the first time that I have shared anything really traumatic in my life. I mean my good friends didn’t know my parents were divorced for years! I’ve always just moved on with my life. This summer, though, hit me kind of hard, I guess, and I went in to the cycle thinking it was me and d-man vs. the world. No one else.

The cycle part is the easy part. It’s like any medical treatment. I did the shots, which I had some problems with, but once I got the hang of it, I was fine. We got to the transfer and even the desperate waiting to see if any eggs fertilized wasn’t that bad. The two week wait was okay, because once I got the OHSS, I knew I was pregnant. At that point, I was dealing with looking six months pregnant and feeling seriously horrible. I wasn’t in group, couldn’t go out, had to work a lot and wasn’t enjoying much of anything. But it worked. I hated that people knew that already. That’s when the fear set in.

It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I mean, I’ve had my breakdowns about being infertile-usually alone, in the car, but that was shear self-pity. No question. Now I was scared about losing this pregnancy to an insane degree. One of my friends had said to me over the summer that she had a miscarriage so now she knew how I felt. Well, first of all, I haven’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know what that feels like, and she got pregnant two months after that. That isn’t possible for me. She was trying to relate and that made it harder. If I have a miscarriage, it throws us back to the beginning. All the infertility stuff comes rushing back. Not to mention, we can’t really afford to do it again right away. We spent 15 thousand dollars trying this. And unfortunately, a lot if it is about the money. Plus it was painful, time consuming, nerve-wracking, etc. Being pregnant is all those things, too, but that’s expected and normal. This is the most abnormal thing I have ever done.

The past eight weeks have been nothing like I have ever felt. I remember when the d-man was away and not answering his phone (because he was at dinner with friends and I knew that). I was a wreck, balling, for about two hours. I couldn’t fall asleep, and it was late. I couldn’t talk to d-man and I was alone. My reasoning for this breakdown? I hadn’t had morning sickness for two days. That’s when I took a mental health day from work and went in for an ultrasound. Also when Dr. God said I can’t handle this. I remember a few weeks ago trying to look up things on the babies r us website and I got so freaked out I started crying and shut down the computer. I don’t have an OB yet, have not bought one pregnancy book, and have no hint of anything baby in the apartment. It’s denial, yeah, but almost protection.

So, now that I feel a bit more confident about everything, I don’t know what to think. I’m kind of scared to even feel that way, I don’t want to jinx anything. The whole thing has fucked me up pretty bad, but I’ve always known it would be temporary. As the quote on my computer says, “It will work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end.”

Telling People....

So, I've put a lot of thought into when we would let people know that we are pregnant. Obviously, with the exception of the few who have been in the know and with us throughout the treatment already know but there are those who don't know anything about it, who know about it but don't know where we are, and those who know around when we did it and are waiting for news either way...

We've told all different groups already, though on a very small scale and kind of when it was "necessary." The reactions thus far have been kind of what I thought. So far, here's what we've gotten:

We've told the friends who knew the dates for everything. They weren't pushy in asking, they continue to be supportive and know we are still fragile. I think we made the right move with these people. There was only one instance where on of the d-man's friends wives was a little too excited and started talking about baby things and how I'll feel later, etc. I was sort of uncomfortable but it was at a point when npp's tell everyone anyway.

We were at a party with pretty significant drinking, okay college-level drinking games, of which I was the only one not participating. The d-man right away said, "K's not drinking since she's pregnant." Okay, well, cat was definitely out of the bag there. They were the d-man's friends and a few of them had babies as well. They were super happy and asked when and how I was and told us how excited they were. I actually really liked that. I wasn't totally scared, I was happy. None of them knew about IVF.

I told some of my friends today (the 12 week mark is tomorrow) and they were happy but one reaction was significantly annoying. It was a friend who I am not particularly close with, though since I am closer to the other friend who completed our threesome for brunch, I told them both. They know of IVF, but early on I stopped updating because I didn't get the "I understand" vibe from either of them. The reaction I got from the less closer one was that it didn't take as long as I thought, almost like a "see...." I feel like she kind of poo poo'd the whole IVF and infertility deal as not that significant. I know that's not an uncommon thing for those who haven't gone through it, but it's annoying to see it. It really shows how people just don't understand....

I know that there are some friends who will be annoyed that I have not yet told them, and that I will probably do it over email, but I don't care. Work will happen in a month or so. Not sure when I will start showing, but I think I should tell my boss and co-workers before our week-long winter break. I don't want to come back looking preggers if they don't know! I'm not too worried about work, other than our shitty FMLA and the non-paid maternity leave. (using all vacation days and hopefully whatever sick days I can)

We planned on telling the rest of the family (brothers and sisters) at Thanksgiving. We may do that beforehand (not much beforehand), I don't know. The parents will be told that they can now share....As you know my MIL is about to explode and my parents want to share too. That'll be nice.

So, I am not stressing about all of this at this point, but it's very interesting how it is playing out.

very funny....

I saw this somewhere else this morning and HAD to post it, just so I can go back. It's sickeningly true! Sadly, the Peach Pit isn't even mentioned....

http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies

Approaching hurdle that I put in front of myself

In case you were wondering, no issues with not going since the last one. I've been pretty diligent about getting to where I need to go, when I need to...go. So I figure more cranberry juice can't hurt me anyway, right?

Okay, so Monday is 12 weeks. That is a big day--off the progesterone shots (which terrifies me, even though NOT getting a shot in the ass every day sounds lovely), okay for sex, okay for gym (we'll see how those both work out) and if I was a "normal" pregnant person, or npp as one of my infertile friends so eloquently puts it, I'd be shouting from the rooftops and hitting Babies R Us! I'm not, of course, going to do that. In fact, I am now super worried for Wednesday.

We were given the option of doing the prenatal tests to see if you are at a higher than normal risk of chromosomal abnormalities (down's, etc) since we went through IVF. Usually women over 35 are asked if they want to. It's not like I'm 25, I'm 34, so it isn't a huge leap. From what I have read, it's a blood test and ultrasound where they check everything but specifically the skin around the fetus' neck area. If it is thick, there is a risk. This test does NOT indicate if the baby will be born with any problems, but if you are seen as high risk, you can opt for amniocentesis or another similar test.

So, now I am scared about this. We chose it, but I am worried to death. I wouldn't even have thought of it if I was a npp, but now I'm thinking bad eggs + bad sperm = bad chromosomes?? I don't know. Was the egg so bad? They picked the damn sperm. I tend to worry, if you haven't noticed. So far the ultrasounds have been a terrifying worry until I see the baby and then I am cool. Now I'll see the baby but there is something else that I can't see?? ugh. Well, we go in a week. Another long wait....

something else to worry about??

Okay, so I am sitting at the kitchen table drinking what looks like blood and tastes like shit. Why, you ask? Well, I'll just start from the beginning, and sorry if its TMI.

When I was significantly bloated, I was looking up all things OHSS. One thing said to worry if you couldn't pee. At one point, I had to go, but couldn't. Took a little perseverance and I got there, but that scared me. That only happened once, though so I didn't worry about it, especially since I knew it could happen. (not sure why, the whole OHSS thing is so beyond me).

Fast forward to this past weekend. I spent Saturday at the Rally to Restore Sanity in DC. I had like nothing to drink because going to the bathroom and getting back to my spot wasn't happening. SO, on the way home, about a 2.5 hour drive, we hit a rest stop. I had to pee like a racehorse, as they say. I went in there and nothing happened. I really freaked out. I was in there for a while and got as much out as I could. Then I went back to the car and got on the internet. SO, no blood in urine, check, no other pain, check, can it be a UTI? The d-man said to drink up and maybe I was just dehydrated. Seemed to be the case.

Monday...I drank a lot at work. On my way home I had to go, but hit the usual traffic. Once I got home, SAME DAMN THING. This upset me so I googled again! No other symptoms except that I really have to go and nothing happens, which is seriously uncomfortable. Again, I persevered. It has to be a bladder infection, or UTI, whatever, right? I always thought that happened after sex. Well, sex hasn't happened in THREE MONTHS (not a typo). What the hell? So, since I hate more issues with the doctor, I hit the grocery store. I grabbed two 32 ounce bottles of 100% organic cranberry juice with no sugar and nothing added to it. I brought it to the checkout--$8.99 a bottle! ugh. Can I add this to my taxes for medical expenses (already 17k plus)???

Well, I am HOPING this goes away or is nothing. I am trying to go whenever I get the slightest urge, which is interesting at work. I am drinking the expensive shitty cranberry juice. I did read the pregnancy can also cause a UTI. of course it does.

trying to figure out when/how I lost my friends

I don't feel alone, don't get me wrong. I've had times in my life when I didn't go out and felt like a total loser but that's long since past. I also feel like I have friends, but at the same time, I think that something has gone in my social abilities.

Admittedly, some of my friendships changed when I got married and moved to the suburbs. How could they not? I wasn't hitting the bars on a thursday night, taking a cab home and getting ready to do the same thing all weekend. Going out in the city takes considerably more effort now and when there is no attempt, for me, at meeting guys, it takes away some of the desire to get all decked out. I've always been low-maintenance but now it's more pronounced. SO, having said all of that, I don't see those friends that much, and in the three years since I moved, the groups have changed, there are a lot more (and seemingly younger) people who hang out that I don't know. When I do, I almost find myself talking to the married people (if there are any).

Wanting to have a baby changes things even further, and finding out that you can't GET pregnant (on your own, okay on OUR own) makes the commonality even less. I told my friends, but they can't relate. Even the married suburbanites can't relate to that! So I see that as another way that everything has changed with my friendships.

There is another thing that I don't pretend doesn't exist. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I have changed. I changed when I moved out here, I changed when I realized I wanted (we, sorry goose) to start a family, and I definitely changed when we were told that would be significantly difficult. I worry that I have changed so much that I won't be able to revitalize my friendships. Now it's the "let's get together for dinner...in the next four weeks" relationships that I worry are pretty much ending. I also worry about the long-standing friendships that I have had where I've been hurt by the reactions of my friends. Will I be able to overlook that, considering that they didn't know they were hurting me (and I know that)? Or can I continually say, "oh that's just her..." and believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell, I suppose.

I'm not saying that I don't have really good friendships, even now. I also know that I'll make friends in my life as it changes, or go back to others whose lives have moved ahead at a quicker pace than mine and I needed to "catch up" (or really just be into the same things--single people go out to meet other single people, people with kids do things with their kids). I guess I just worry that this whole experience has made me different, though I hope it's made me stronger and willing to accept things and people. I don't know. I've let things slide because I needed to. I've totally ignored people because I couldn't deal with them and their comments. I just really don't want that to bite me in the ass.

Like I said, we'll see what happens. I do think friends are hugely important, though, and I'll make sure that I always am one (even if I feel like I haven't been in the past year)

Okay, so I've been told that this post is whiny (thanks, d-man). Perhaps it is, must be the hormones, hahaha. I think that I am in a transition period...waiting and hoping and praying for the family to GET here, which would put us into that next level, if you will. But, the d-man makes a good point. I was never a party girl. I guess that maybe I feel even more distant from the city girls, but in all honesty, I'm okay with that.

one more RE visit...

We went to another ultrasound appointment this morning and I wasn't nervous (okay I was nervous before we went in there) or scared or crying! D-man wanted me to blog because he seems to think my blogs aren't positive, or I think that's what he is getting at. Anyway, Dr. God came in and shook the d-man's hand and I got the obligatory hug (we've moved to that at this point).

The ultrasound was good! We saw the big one and it actually looked like a baby, or well, a fetus. It was dancing, takes after d-man there, very similar styles. The cool factor was the technology considering it's like an inch long or whatever.

The other one is still there, which kind of isn't great, but it's smaller and going away so we aren't so worried about it. Also, my ovaries are half the size of a baseball! Sadly, that's good.

So after Dr. God left, the nurse was there to answer some questions. The d-man asked when we could be normal again. I translated that to when can we have sex? 12 weeks. Then I asked when can I go to the gym? 12 weeks...or no, I could go now, no wait, if I started bleeding due to the other one "vanishing" then I would freak out. She used those words...she's right and I didn't argue with it. SO, looks like some more walking and chastity for a couple weeks. The good news is the progesterone is almost done! After 12 weeks, that goes away too!

So, there's my positive blog!

the calming effect of a train...

I am feeling better lately. I mean, physically, was fine today, not sick but that's not what I mean. Obviously, I've been a headcase throughout the entire pregnancy. I think partly because we are approaching week 10 (and it officially becomes a fetus) and because I think my large ovaries are getting smaller (though I won't know for sure until Thursday) and there is something about double digits that is refreshing. BUT, the d-man and I did something to ease both of our nerves. We rented a fetal Doppler monitor.

I'd read about it on the many message boards, to calm nerves and give a piece of mind between ultrasounds (which I HEAR are not every week or every other week once I leave the RE). It wasn't me who brought it up, though. When the d-man was off windsurfing, he stayed at a guesthouse belonging to a woman who spent most of her life as a mid-wife (and a lot as a windsurfer). She suggested getting it soon, since it works at 8 weeks. She even said that we should record the heartbeat on our phones so we could play it when we needed to hear it.

So, we got online and found one for $20 a month. Why not? It came the other day and we busted it right out. We quickly found a heartbeat but it didn't sound like the train or galloping horses, like the book said. When we counted the beats per minute, it was like 86. That is NOT the 171 it was at the office. We thought it had to be the smaller one....or we were counting wrong. I wasn't that confident and I didn't know if this was helpful or not...

Well, this morning I decided to look into how we were doing this whole Doppler thing....the hint I found was to keep one hand on my pulse and feel that as I was looking for a heartbeat. So, d-man was out this morning and I tried again. For the first 10 minutes I kept finding that same heartbeat, my heartbeat. It was the same as my pulse. Not sure why I didn't think of this before. MY heartrate was about 86 bpm. hmmmm. I slowly moved the knob around right where they said and finally heard a train, no question about it. It was so fast it was hard to count. I counted somewhere between 28 and 29 beats in ten seconds. I used 28.5 and multiplied by 60. 171. exhale.....

The d-man wanted to hear so we tried again this afternoon. It took another 10 minutes but I found it. The d-man lit up. I lost the heartbeat when I tried to move around and get it "louder" to record it on d-man's phone, but we were both okay with that.

I am getting closer to excited and moving away from terrified. Not there yet....but this is nice!

meat for the holidays....

Not to worry, this isn't turning into a mother in law blog. If that were the case, I'd probably not let my husband read it! But I had to....we were over there yesterday (and I did get a question of when is my next doctor's appointment and am I going tomorrow?? I really want to experience this pregnancy thing on our own, but that's hard when the d-man caves so quickly)

Anyway...

So in the middle of dinner, my MIL says out of the blue, "I am thinking I am going to get practical Christmas gifts this year, instead of things no one really needs. I'd like to get you two meat from the butcher to freeze. You could clean out your freezer, and have different cuts of beef wrapped in paper." I didn't really know what to say, so I said that we didn't really have a large freezer. My FIL said we could keep it in their big freezer downstairs and come over when we wanted our meat. The d-man continued to take sips of his wine; I heard nothing from him. I later said I really hope we don't get meat for Christmas. We laughed at that one.

The conversation moved on from there, but I really hope I don't open a sirloin on Christmas morning.

okay.....I can relax for at least another 2 weeks

I went in and waited for what seemed like an hour (but wasn't) for Dr. God to come in. He asked why I had come in, if I was having any bleeding or anything. I said no, I was here because I wasn't having any symptoms. The nurse got that right away. Dr. God went on some diatribe about how I started with bad symptoms and was getting better, as opposed to other women (because of the OHSS, etc.) I think that's crap, because morning sickness seems pretty common to me.

Anyway, the small one still had a heartbeat, the big one went up to 171 bpm and looked good. The nurse and Dr. God said there may be another yolk sac in the smaller one. I'm so confused with all of that crap. Well, after he basically said I need to relax, something about not being able to handle it? WTF? He actually wondered what I was scared of ....um, losing the pregnancy you asshole!

Thankfully, I was able to talk to the nurse during a blood draw afterwards (for the screening tests) and she was a lot easier to talk to. She asked how the PIO shots were going and I said fine, that I had to do my own this weekend. She then said she didn't think she could do that herself. I guess I win? I said Dr. God calls me crazy every time I come in and she called me a nervous mother. hahaha.

So, at least I have today off of work. Mental health day...for sure.

feeling good, so I am headed to the doc

Okay, last night was bad. Didn't help matters that the d-man is out of town. This week was going pretty well, at least at the beginning. I had no doubt that I would make it to next Friday and the ultrasound. For some reason, the universe or god or something had other plans.

Yesterday I felt pretty much okay, meaning not really sick at all. I didn't think too much about it (though I freaked out a bit after lunch when I realized I had Mexican cheese). After work I went to the store and started to feel tired so I though that was okay but then once I got home I was totally fine. I got online and started messaging a friend who knows everything about what we've been through. I was telling her how scared I am and everything. She has a beautiful 18 month old daughter so I'm sure her perspective is different. She was trying to make me feel better saying that she was nervous her whole pregnancy but that she tried not to focus on what she couldn't control and whatever happened happened. I know that. I do, but there is so much more weight here. Our savings is gone, I am almost DONE giving myself daily injections, we've come so FAR. I tried to refocus and went to bed.

That's when things got bad. D-man was not answering his phone. I knew where he was--he's on a mini vacation windsurfing with his dad and they were hanging with the neighbors down in the outer banks. I've been there, doing the same thing. The thing is, I really needed him to answer his phone. I was losing it the longer I stayed awake and I made the mistake of googling "loss of morning sickness." This is a reoccurring theme on my blog, here, I know, but I read AGAIN how it could mean the end of it. I finally text'd my father in law and after midnight got a call from d-man. He didn't have his phone, he felt really bad (that wasn't my intention, I just really needed to talk to him). So, when he's not windsurfing, he's going to have the phone on him.

So, now it's 8:24 am. I've emailed work and said I am not coming in because I was sick all night (not an untruth) and still am. I am going in for an ultrasound at 10:15. I already feel better that I am at least doing that, but it's going to be a long couple of hours in any case.

just because I'm not puking, doesn't mean I am miscarrying...

And yet, I spent the day at work online (on my phone) looking up "morning sickness going away" to see what I am up against. I got the every pregnancy is different thing, but I still think that the more constantly one is sick, it seems better. Of course my mom had four kids and never had morning sickness. She also didn't pass on her fertility to me, now did she???

So, now I feel sick. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but it's more of a queasy feeling and I feel awful in bed, but a lot of that is the LARGE ovaries and trying to get comfortable.

I really wish I could think about having a baby, but I can't. I'm so scared to think about what the room will look like or even buying a pregnancy book (which is ironic as hell since I have about 11 infertility books....) I am ignoring not only my mother in law, but some friends who I know just want to gush about pregnancy (did I mention that I know of three fertiles and four infertiles other than me, who are pregnant right now?--not including the two at work) I know I am missing out but until I get to the second trimester at the earliest, I'm going to be pretty crazy....

I guess I should be sad but I'm calmer...

So, d-man and I went to see Dr. God yesterday for the almost 8 week ultrasound. After last weeks ridiculous I-don't-know-if-I-should-be-scared-or-not result, I was not going by myself and we set off for the 8am appointment together.

While in the waiting room, we saw a girl in tears hugging Dr. God (I call everyone a girl who looks my age, I say that because no one I have ever seen in the waiting room looks older than me) She left crying and we were called in next. The d-man was more nauseous than me yesterday, which is different.

We went in and the nurse I like set me up for the ultrasound. Dr. God came in and said hello and I of course said how nervous I was. He made a comment to d-man (who hates Dr. God) that he can't ever seem to calm me down. Really. Am I the ONLY crazy pregnant IVFer? I can't imagine that. So he showed us a fetus (not sure what stage we are in here) that looked, well, almost human, sort of. Saw the umbilical cord, heart beating (165 bpm) looked like a shape and not a black spot.... Then he showed us the other one, MUCH smaller and a heartbeat of 90 bpm. He basically said that one would be gone soon.

So, after trying not to get excited or think about ANYTHING related to raising a child, I am not sure what I feel about this. I did look at costs of raising twins and the risks of a twin pregnancy and the idea of doing this once was really nice. Now that I know one is pretty much dying, I am focusing on the good one. I feel like I have a better chance with one (doesn't make sense, I know) and that twins was insurance for just this circumstance. He said that women with PCOS (here we go again) tend to have "bad" embryos so he is glad we decided on three. {read about the transfer, if d-man didn't speak up, we wouldn't have even put three in!!!}

I'm still scared and probably won't tell people until the end of the year but the d-man says he went from hopeful to excited. getting there....slowly.....but surely

What do you REALLY think?

So, Robert Edwards, the inventor of IVF (I had no idea who that was a year ago) won the Nobel Prize for his and his colleague's scientific research and I guess invention?? Anyway, there are many reasons why it took 32 years, many seem to be acceptance and backlash related. Ethics, it seems, is a major issue when it comes to IVF. I find that when you are going through it, it doesn't feel like ethics, it feels like medical treatment.

Here is the article, not bad, gives you the facts, etc.... BUT, the comments are extremely hurtful and full of ignorance. I laugh off the Catholics; I'm in the process of finding a new denomination myself for this and many other reasons....but when people say things that are meant to be mean and evil, I just cringe. Read some of them:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/05/health/research/05nobel.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=robert%20edwards%20ivf&st=cse

Okay, so of the over 300 comments, not ALL are evil, some people struggling or sympathizing feel the need to fight back but I have to respond to some of it.

First of all, the argument that he shouldn't be celebrated for adding to an overpopulation problem...um, I feel like that problem is with the fertile people who have too many children or third world countries who don't have access to or knowledge of birth control. It doesn't have anything to do with sacrificing parents who put all they have into conceiving one or two children and usually end up pretty decent parents, I would assume.

The statement about how infertility is nature or God's way of controlling population and that those who are infertile were supposed to be that way. Well, my father and grandfather both had cancer--different kinds. My father is now cancer-free and my grandfather was with us for an extra ten years because they sought treatment. Was that out of God's plan? Should that science be banned because it isn't natural? No one would argue that.

The "why don't you just adopt--there a soooo many babies who need good homes" Well, in my admittedly minimal research, that's not true. It is way more expensive than IVF, unless you can foster to adopt. Just because someone is not prepared for a child with known emotional or physical issues, or wants a child with their own biology, doesn't make them bad. I think adoption is great, but it takes a special person to do it. Some agencies make sure you have come to terms with your infertility before they even let you begin the grueling process of adoption. There is also the issue of raising a child of another race/ethnicity, that may bring out some of the same asinine comments as these against IVF. Also, and I'll get off this because I really don't know it in detail, international adoption is increasingly difficult because countries either don't allow it or make it extremely difficult and expensive. "Just" adopting is huge.

The idea that IVF is for older women who are not fertile because of age or that it results in 6 children with CP is everywhere. The media perpetuates that one by highlighting the crazy people who are actually considered poor results (or crazy like octo-mom). Read my blog...if I was 24 and not 34, it would be the SAME ISSUE!!! We only put in three embryos because of said issues.....and we ain't having three.

SO! This is why I hesitate telling people. I was going to not worry once I had a successful live birth and tell the world what we did, but I am re-thinking that. I don't want my children ridiculed and looked down upon. It's rare that a disease or condition brings about a hateful attitude but it's out there.

"Don't Move That Chair!!!"

So, it was impossible to not share the dates of our IVF with our parents, especially my in-laws since my father-in-law is an anesthesiologist at the hospital I had my retrieval at. Totally fine, even though I keep things relatively quiet for the most part and when any of the ‘rents asked how things were going, a simple fine would suffice—during the cycle. Now things are getting tricky. My parents are fine, they live pretty far away from me and I can say that things are fine, and things are scary but I’m hanging in there. Then the conversation changes to baseball or the weather and all is well. My FIL is easy, too. I think because of the medical aspect of his life, he doesn’t pry and treats me the same as he did a year ago. I really appreciate that.

That brings us to my mother-in-law. (I’m sorry d-man, and if you don’t want to read on, I understand but I need to vent somewhere!)

I’ve always been completely different from my MIL, which is totally okay. She is a stay-at-home mom who is very much into typical girly-type things and will always have make-up on and look good. I drag myself home from work, immediately change into my sweats (I call them play clothes) and watch sportscenter or read. I’m not a complete tomboy, but I wonder if my PCOS plays a role in my lifestyle sometimes -read: testosterone levels!…but most of my friends are the same way so I'm thinking I'm cool.

So, since we found out that we were indeed positive (I use that p-word instead), I have been insanely scared and nervous. The last trip to Dr. God didn't help matters, but it's been difficult. I can't be happy right now because of that and although that does suck, it's the way it is. What makes it harder is my MIL and her reaction to all of this. This is going to sound nit-picky but she tends to look at me with this excited, caring-type of smile and I hate it. So, I don't really look at her and that's not good. She said at one point that this is the hardest secret that she's ever kept and I am truly worried that she has or will tell someone...it's almost as if she wants to tell people without telling them. We were out the other night at a dinner with 13 people for her birthday. The only people who "know" were me, d-man, FIL and her. At one point I went to move the table and chair and she was like "no, you can't touch that." Then she made a point to ask me if I wanted the ginger beer that they brought (everyone else had WINE)--from across the table. She asked if I could eat certain things (shellfish, etc) ALL in front of what seemed to me as many people as possible.

SO, do I think she's malicious? No. I just know that she doesn't understand where I am coming from. D-man said he had a long talk with her and she gets it now. That was before this party. Since then I have also gotten a text where she said I had a "glow"about me. THAT is the sweat on my brow from the insane nervousness. Then she asked if the saltines were helping because she gave me crackers....she thinks I am normal and there is nothing that I or d-man can say that will change that and it probably kills her as much as it does me. I am going to have to deal with it, though I can't avoid being around her forever (even alone). Well, hopefully in 33 or so weeks this will all be forgotten and I'll be complaining about how she keeps telling me how to raise my kid(s)!

Anyway, she is pushing me away more than bringing me close and I hope she gets it sooner than later.

a little anxious or friggin terrified? (and I really want Tom Cruise's ultrasound)

Okay, so today is the d-man's birthday. Mine was actually on Tuesday. It makes for a week of celebration. Since we are out of money, however, it consisted of small gifts and cheap dinners. Works for me. WELL...today was also the next ultrasound.

Last time I went in, Dr. God was afraid that there was either a third embryo (or whatever they are called at this point) or an ectopic in my ovary. He said he wasn't worried, but wanted to be sure. So, today I am 6 weeks 3 days. I went in for the ultrasound and the first thing he asks me is why am I always alone, meaning where is the d-man. I guess I never thought about that before...but not a big deal. He'll come next time.

Sooooo, here's what we sort of saw today, or what he told me/showed me. Dr. God confuses the hell out of me sometimes, but I think I have reason to be scared. He showed me one of the gestational sacs, but he said he couldn't see a heart beating....he said it could have been because it was close to the edge and turned an odd way, but I don't know. Then he showed the other heartbeat and did something to bring audio. It was pretty awesome. It was around 120 beats per minute, which I know is good. BUT, he said that he is concerned that there may be two yolk sacs in there and THAT would be very complicated. Then he talks about how if the one isn't growing, that we would just be down to one and that he thinks everything is okay. Okay, THEN he brings up how women with PCOS have a 50% chance of miscarriage. I wonder if that ever goes down? I think he said that to prepare me for the inevitable, but you know what?? It may be okay.

I'm worried about the friggin conjoined twin (okay, maybe that's a bit much). I've read about vanishing twin syndrome or worse, two in one amniotic sac, which has a 50% mortality rate. great. I was really nervous and upset this morning, but I'm thinking I feel like I am just going to wait and see. Dr. God couldn't really see things, he was guessing....I can't do anything about it, so we'll just wait and see. It's still so friggin EARLY!

This whole process is so crazy....I wish I could have an ultrasound everyday just to see it. THAT is why we aren't really sharing it with anyone. No one can understand why I am not yet happy..I'm scared. Gonna keep pluggin away.....

waiting for the fasten seatbelt sign to go off

Not to bring up the movie Say Anything again but it totally describes where I'm at right now. I mean, I haven't watched it in a long time and it isn't one I quote constantly like Ghostbusters or something (Where do these stairs go? They go up!). However, the last scene in that movie is my life right now. I'll describe, if I can. Lloyd Daubler and girl (Jennifer Connelly--see I haven't seen it in a while) are on a plane and it's a big step. She's never been on a plane before and she's pretty scared. Lloyd, who has the perfect thing to say throughout the movie, said that all she has to do is wait for the "fasten seat belt" light to go off, and when she hears a "ding," they are safe and on their way. It's pretty apropos for me right now.

So, we are 5 weeks 5 days. In some calculations, we'd be 6 weeks and a day, but Dr. God measures it from transfer day, not retrieval day. In any case, the time is moving insanely slow. I had another appointment yesterday and had a ultrasound. The cool thing, that I could even get excited about because I am probably more scared than Jennifer Connelly, is the little heartbeats that he showed me. I mean, the picture is hard to make out anything, but all the right things were on there for the two little sacs. Of course, he throws out there that there is still a possibility that the other one is hiding somewhere....great. Don't friggin say that. He also said that he must monitor my right ovary because he's not sure why it's bigger than the other one (to clarify...one is a baseball and one is one of those little league softballs) in case the embryo shot up there. And THEN he asks me why I am so worried?!

Why am I so worried...I of course was like, well, you just said THAT, but also, and I said this, "I mean, it took so long to get here, we've gone through so much and I am terrified of it going away." He was like, "I understand, but there is no need to worry. I am not worried (the nurse said he was being thorough...). Just relax." Right.

So, I feel like I am sitting in that airplane seat, staring at the fasten seat belt sign, hoping for the ding to come soon. I'll never be able to actually take the seatbelt off, because I'm going to be anxious the whole time, but once I hear the ding, I'll breathe a little easier.

Not the end of the world...

So I spent 3 hours of my life watching the movie 2012, about the apocalypse. Lloyd Daubler now has a family....they end up on an arc. I started watching at 620, about the time we usually do the PIO shot. I stopped watching at 9, when the d-man left to get our take-out. Soooo, totally FORGOT about the shot...UNTIL I was thinking of how we have dinner plans next week and really need to do the shot early...the SHOT!!! OH shit!!! Okay, so maybe d-man will be right back. I got the oil in the syringe and called and texted him, no answer. I am sure I'll find his damn phone here somewhere. SO, I stuck my own ass, for the second Saturday in a row! We've done an 8:30, but never a 9:10. I try to keep it between 5-9. I am not too concerned, but now I am scared that I will do this again. I think I am going to start setting an alarm on my damn phone.

Babies need progesterone, people!!!! It's funny how when you have to do things, you just do them (and they hurt less than when your husband does them). ahhhhhhhh! I'm okay, crisis averted but I gotta be more diligent here.

Beta 3000 sounds like a car....

So, I didn't hear exactly what the number was because I was in the car, but it was like 3600 or 3060 or something. The number is supposed to double every two days. If it was 524 on Monday and today is Friday, that's a little more than doubling, wouldn't you say?

I am calmer after the visit. I was freaking out big-time even while I was there. Lately, I had been feeling better and not as bloated. My over-google research (which I was told today not to keep doing by the nurse) indicated that if I felt better, that meant that there wasn't hcg in there that was continuing to rise. Well, that idea is shot to hell. So, I'm a little better in that there isn't too much fluid. BUT, my ovaries are huge. I can tell when I push on my abdomen. Dr. God made a fist and said the right one is about that size and the left one is probably half of it. So, the pants are still tight, but I can breathe better. The other interesting part of the ultrasound was seeing two black spots. It's too early to really see anything, but they are embryos, or whatever they are at 4 weeks 4 days. Guess that's why the number is so high.

So, I am excited but still pretty scared....NOT on the verge of tears like I was in the office, but we are taking it day by day now...

beta beta beta

524. That's pretty high. I haven't done my beta research, other than it is a measure of HCG in my blood. It seems as though the number doesn't matter that much, as long as it is over 100 and doubles every 72 hours or so. Of course 524 could indicate there are two in there.

So, that was good news yesterday. Today I feel physically much better, 3 pounds lighter (though still pretty fat looking) and significantly more nervous and scared. I don't have another appointment until Friday for blood and another look at my gut for fluid.

I kinda hope I start feeling worse and have more fluid because that could indicate more HCG. I don't have any actual pregnancy symptoms so I can't really go off of that. I'm way more nervous this week than I was last week.....but I have no control. That is the theme of all of this.

So, this whole process has had me doing things that I've never heard of and I really never thought I would have to do. I mean, life is full of that, I understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that this stuff is friggin crazy.

I went in for my beta test today and told the nurse that I had a positive pee test. She was excited wanted to know how I felt, etc. I told/showed her my gut and she checked to see if Dr. God wanted to do an ultrasound. He came in and said, "I think that there are three in there...if not three, then two." Um....well, he didn't even look at me so not sure about that. He did an ultrasound and decided he wanted to drain me. I've heard this makes you feel better but the chat boards seemed to indicate that this was an IV/hospital stay kind of deal. Because it wasn't too much, though, I can do it in the office. He said he didn't want other people touching me so he wanted to do it in the office and not wait until I had to go to the hospital. I would like to avoid that as well.

Odd, as usual. It didn't hurt too much, but not the most comfortable experience. I feel better, though, than I did when I woke up...for sure.... Dr. God said he was thinking he'd do this twice a week! Um, we'll see. Could be interesting. I shouldn't have looked at the massive needle-like thing that he stuck up in there, and what came out looked like, well, it looked like beer. I didn't say that, though, but I guess I am missing that! haha. In any case, add this on to the WHOLE experience.

Now, I am waiting on the phone call.....

Pee test

Tomorrow is the beta test; they will be testing my blood for the level of hcg. HCG is what is detected in my pee (on the stick). So, we did that tonight. The d-man wanted to wait until he got back from a sailing weekend (which, by the way, had me doing my OWN PIO injection!). Since we weren't doing this first thing in the morning, I had to not GO for like 3 hours. That was rough, which for me is ALWAYS an issue....

Anyway, YES, it was positive, but my big belly kinda told me that already. Tomorrow I find out what the level is. It has to keep doubling in order to stay viable. One hurdle...no like seven hurdles down, 1000 to go!

OHSS update

I just ate breakfast---about 25 of my 100 grams of protein I am supposed to eat each day (I really have no idea why). I go to work in two hours, so that should be good. If I wasn't looking five months preggers right now (and I am guessing...never been there, believe it or not), the 1600-1800 calories I am resistively shoving in, mostly protein, each day would have me looking svelte. But, alas, I am not exercising, so I just feel pretty fat.

My ovaries are large, which is pushing my organs around. There may be fluid in there, too. I am really glad that I am not gaining weight, though I am probably losing to some degree, so I am probably gaining even though I am staying the same.(got that?) In any case, it isn't the 3-7 pounds per day that people who have a severe case of this deal with. I can't even imagine and I am terrified that it will get worse. It gets worse due to the HCG being secreted by my embryo(s). Big blood test on Monday, but if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

SO, I am living a life of a pregnant teen trying to hide her belly by buying bigger clothes and wearing bigger shirts (tough in the heat, man!). I am also drinking lots of gatorade (apparently this f's up your electrolytes) along with the protein. That, my friends, is ALL I CAN DO. Modern medicine is great because it got me here, but sucks at the same time.....

I've heard horror stories about this putting women in the hospital for 3 months, having to get drained every week, etc. I mean, I really need to work so that can't happen. If I use up the sick days now, what happens when I actually have to take maternity leave...this isn't Europe, sick and vacation days have to be used. I've read lots of different things about how long it lasts. The theory is when the placenta takes over the pregnancy, after the ovaries, that this goes away...um, that's the second trimester. I want it to go away like you wouldn't believe, but I am scared to death it will and that means the end of the pregnancy as well....

Well, add this to the drama.....I'll act as I usually do, that it sucks but no big deal. You know what, though? It IS a big deal, and it totally sucks and isn't fair. AND, I can't really tell anyone but some family and friends for obvious reasons. Sounds like a theme.... BUT, I'm keeping the blog updated because I will get through it and I'll even have a record of that!

back to school....

I am not going to bash facebook or anything. I mean, I am on it everyday just like the rest of you all (except d-man, you are better than I). BUT, it can be torturous at times.

Example #1: this week. It's the first day of school/day care/ nursery school....the house is empty, we went to Staples, you name it, it's on there. If I don't like things on facebook, I typically hide them (re: bedazzled-wtf IS that anyway??), but I know this is one or ten posts and it will be over. Besides, I hope to do it myself someday.

Example #2: honeymoon conceptions. TWO facebook friends had this happen. It went from wedding pictures to "we are going to be three!" in literally two months. ugh.

Example #3: ultrasound pictures. I have some, too, but they are 8-cell embryos, probably not the same thing. If it is one up there, it's okay, but when it becomes the profile picture, well, that's just odd.

Example #4: Mommie questions....like "all you mommies out there, what do you do when junior won't take the bottle and it's been 3 years?"

Example #5: the facebook "post in your status if you agree" things like "I love my daughter/son and she/he is my reason for living, if you agree post this as your status...." If you don't you pretty much suck, right?

I find myself reading the posts of those who are running marathons, seeing funny things on the street, talking about work. It's been brutal lately, but I can handle it. I mean, I keep going back!

The big BLOAT

Since the transfer, I've felt fine. I mean, I had some lingering cramping from the retrieval but other than that, I didn't feel too different. I figured that Dr. God did a good job with the stims, the trigger shot didn't put my large ovaries into a tailspin and I wasn't bloated at all. In all the reading that I did (online thus far) I learned a lot about ovarian hyperstimulation sydrome (OHSS) and that I would be bloated and uncomfortable and probably gain some weight if I had it
.
.
So, over the weekend I had some pizza, and some wings, and some other indulgences (hey Labor Day weekend!) However, It wasn't a binge or anything, even though I started feeling bloated. I immediately assumed I overate and the lapse from the gym was now catching up to me. Last night, which is seven days past transfer (7dp3dt for those in the know) I was noticeably bloated and feeling pretty gross. I did what I always do and consulted Dr. Google. I read about late onset OHSS, which occurs when the HCG is secreted by the embryo once implantation occurs and the ovaries and follicles react to that. I'm not sure how I made it past the shot and have to deal with the actual hormone but if you are following me, I basically read that implantation actually happened.
I shared that with the d-man. We were both going to ask about it at Dr. God's this morning. Turns out, I didn't even need to. I had an ultrasound after telling him I felt bloated. He took a quick look and was like "oh yeah, very full." My ovaries are baseballs. There is also fluid in there. Dr. God actually said I was pregnant, a full week before my blood test! He verified what I had read online and I am feeling it still, let me tell you. I believe him. I am waiting for the blood test, of course, though I will probably pee on a stick before then, but this is more of a sign than any sore boob could ever be.

Now I wait and see. If I have a multiple pregnancy, it will be even worse. I don't know how bad it can get and I am pretty nervous about it. He said eat a lot of protein, drink fluids and rest and watch my weight. It's crazy, I mean this is good, and yet I have to NOW deal with THIS shit! Normal pregnant people have no idea and no room to bitch. That may be mean, but come on!
I am cautiously optimistic....but pretty confident. The resting thing will be tough with work right now, but I am gonna keep going...

I quit group!

So, I've been going to a support group since January, with a month off in July, where I quickly had my many car accidents and the frustrating trip with my girlfriends (sign not to leave, I suppose). Today I found out I needed to pay for a day I didn't attend group and well, I got pissed off at the group leader. Then, my two group friends both decided they were leaving (one because she's pregnant--not the best for an infertility support group, and the other because she is moving on to adoption). Then, I found out there were four people joining today. I don't feel like telling my story again and hearing everyone's new story. I think I'm done with that--for a while anyway.

I have my group friends, my other friends, the d-man, to get me through the two-week wait. I am sure that will be cool! I feel good about that. Plus, I don't feel like paying for it so I figured this was a good decision for so many reasons....I feel like I am approaching the end of my infertility hell. I am at least better equipped to deal with all of it.

In other news, the PIO shot did NOT hurt tonight. Last night, I felt sick and almost passed out. Not only did it hurt, but the slow process of injecting it takes like 5 hours when it hurts and I started sweating, felt sick, the whole deal. The d-man has figured out that heating it IS important. I know if I felt nauseous that he definitely did. I now have one of those famous lumps....let's hope that doesn't continue.

See, I didn't have to share that with group! Writing about it is just as helpful...

transferred!

Today we did the embryo transfer--3 day. I am sure it went well, it's very quick and you pretty much know if it gets messed up. I mean, I would assume....

So, the actual transfer goes like this...wheeled into the same room Dr. God did the retrieval in but the d-man was there with me, and one of the nurses from the office. I had to have a full-ish bladder because they use ultrasound (the regular one) to watch them go in. The embryologist hands them to the doc, he shoots them in via catheter (watching the screen) and hands the tube back to the embryologist (who is in the lab through a window). She makes sure it's clear and I am sent back to the recovery room to wait it out, on an angle, for 45 minutes.

Here's the odd parts of this process....and I believe that it started with the retrieval.

I, or we, were not alone. This is of course, a good thing. But kinda weird in a way. There were two other couples having the retrieval last Friday and we were all in the recovery room together. It was like we were all connected, in a strange way, even though I don't know them or anything. Then this morning, all of us were there again, in the same order. It's not like we all chatted or anything, but the awkward connection is still bizarre.

So, I had my full-ish bladder when I got to the office...it quickly turned to way too full. The nurse said I could pee, try to keep some in there if I could, but not to worry if I couldn't. I did my best. I was rolled on in and when she began to do the ultrasound, she made some kind of comment indicating that I will probably have to go again soon...so, when I went back to wait it out, I had to go, and bad. I waited until the third woman was back in and grabbed the nurse for the bedpan. Needless to say, she was NOT surprised, but very cool about it. I probably shouldn't dwell on the pee thing, since when this friggin works, I'll be doing it a lot.

So, we transferred in three embryos, and two looked amazing, according to Dr. God. He came in and said he only wanted to do two, since two looked so great. BUT, then we asked about last time and he didn't remember what we did last time. So, we had him look at the file, and he went with the three. The d-man is NOT into Dr. God, and I am not sure I am a fan, either. If we do this again, we will probably be doing it in another office. BUT, the best of the embryos looked textbook, the second one looked great, too, and I don't know about the third one. I am glad we got three in there---ups the chances, obviously.

Now it really is a two week wait.

oooooohhhhkay. deep breath...GROW

Well, I kept waking up this morning--early, waiting for the phone to ring with the fertilization report. I was thinking that if it was too late, it would be bad news, and I'd lose it before going to work! Got the call around 8, and all 10 were mature (I guess I did the shots right) and seven fertilized. Shit. I really wanted more. Last time we also had seven and then it was down to five and then only the two we transferred...

So, I am not sure if I am disappointed or not, oddly. I mean, I am because I really wanted some to freeze (and technically could still have like four) and this maxes out at now two chances. But I know it is better than a lot of women out there and I really believe the eggs, and hopefully the sperm, are good.

They ICSI'd (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) all of them. That means they injected the egg with one sperm--picked it out on purpose since some of them are shaped funny. I guess they didn't pick well on three of them, or sometimes it just doesn't happen, I don't know.

Now we wait again....24 hours, for the next call. It's out of my hands now, not that it hasn't been the whole time, but for real now. We should transfer on Monday and then we wait for two weeks! Seems so easy....hahahaha

PIO shots! yeah

This isn't one of those blog posts that gives tips on how to make this awful shot work, just that we did it tonight for the first time (of three months, hopefully) and it wasn't so bad! It didn't hurt and none of the after effects.

So, what is a PIO injection? Well, progesterone, from what I understand, is necessary to keep a pregnancy and under normal conditions, the body produces it. Not so, since I have totally controlled my cycle with the drugs, and injected all my hormones. So, this is the next one to be injected. If I get pregnant, I need to continue with these injections until the second trimester.

Why is it awful? Hmmmm, well, it goes in my ass (or hip, if you want to lie about that) and PIO stands for progesterone in oil. Yes, it is in friggin oil! I asked the nurse once why and she said, "don't know, ask the pharmacist." Okay....so, it's mostly peanut oil I have read. The thing is the oil makes it go in REALLY slow, so once you actually get it in your ass (and the d-man typically is the one to do this), check to see you haven't hit a blood vessel, and start injecting it, it takes like 45 seconds to get it all in. This doesn't really hurt, but it is going in my muscle. Last time, I sadly only did this for two weeks and it was like I pulled my ass. Better than a hammy, but really. Also, I have heard that the oil can essentially coagulate in there an become lumpy, and THAT can be painful.

The nurse didn't initially call it the worst shot ever for nothing! But, if this works, it's the best shot ever....

Retrieval Day!

Two and a half hours ago I was having my eggs sucked out. Now I am chilling on the couch. I stopped icing my swollen hand (from IV) so I could give an update. He got 10. I am a bit disappointed because he did say there could be 15 in there and we REALLY need to freeze some embryos. Last time we also got 10 and 7 fertilized, we put in two and the rest didn't make it...hence IVF #2.

The d-man was pretty disappointed in the recovery room but he is making an effort to be super positive at this point. As am I.

So, how was it? Well....I went down there with two other women who were doing the same thing. I put the gown on, got the hot towels on and talked with the anesthesia team. Of course my father-in-law stopped by, since he is also an anesthesiologist and wished me well! Once the IV was in the nurse asked if I had any questions for Dr. God, and if not she'd give me something to take the edge off. I opted for the drugs! yeah!!! It was fast, it only takes 20 minutes and I was the usual groggy coming out of it. I was initially not happy with 10, but Dr. God, as always, was pleased. Saw my father-in-law again after and the d-man of course and waited with the other women as they went in one after the other. Crazy how many people are doing this. They were nice. There is a solidarity among the fertility challenged-especially when it comes to this point, I think. I left once I was able to walk around and that's really it.

I'm in a little pain, not too bad, like cramps, which I guess they are, go figure. I plan to relax and read. I have some work to do but nothing too crazy. I'm on some antibiotics and plan to get lots of yogurt in me too.

Perhaps I'll make it outside to read. That counts as bedrest, I'm sure.

Update on the embryos tomorrow morning. I'm nervous but it's out of my hands now...

PIO shots tonight. I'll update on that for sure!

Butter or Bravelle?

So yesterday was our anniversary. It was somewhat anticlimactic considering we are in the middle of stims. That, and we can't afford anything. We got each other t-shirts (the second is the cotton anniversary). We DID, however go to an overpriced restaurant that I wanted to try. When I say too much butter, that's an understatement. It was ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but wow. I felt totally bloated and gross the rest of the night. I still feel that way. I can't imagine that the butter is still affecting me so I am going to say that it has to be the Bravelle.

I went in for bloodwork and an unltrasound yesterday and will go back tomorrow. They said that I'd feel worse in the next few days (yep) and that the trigger would be Wednesday and the retrieval would be Friday. Thank GOD! Work-wise, any other day would have been bad (so I hope things don't change tomorrow). I'm feeling like I just want Friday to get here...not sure if the bloat will go away, it's due to my now 15 follicles, but here we go!

still stimming.....

I can't believe that I am giving myself another shot of Bravelle tonight. I mean, I've been at this for almost two weeks! I guess I am getting antsy. I am definitely better at mixing it and injecting it at this point, though I still always have that small hesitation and "I can't believe I am sticking a needle in my stomach" moment.

Dr. God said the 11 or so follicles I have look good, that's what he wants. The D-man swears that Dr. God had said he wanted more when we first talked about this round, but I don't know. They all look the same size, which is good, and they are growing bigger. I'm so worried about none to freeze. I realize the frosties as they call them, is a back up plan, but just having that is nice...they could also be siblings!

I think I am starting to feel something...not softball sized ovaries or anything but something. I wonder if that's in my head, since the doc said I'd probably feel it by the next appointment (tomorrow morning).

So...Wed..or thursday, or friday.....which conflicts with work of course, but it's gonna happen again here. It's bizarre, so freaking bizarre, to even have to do this, but I'm all in. I feel different, seasoned or something, but still scared out of my mind. I have to trust, even though Dr. God is way full of himself. So, here I am, ready to shoot up again tonight, and see where the week goes!

my new friends...

So, I had dinner with one of my infertile friends tonight. How awful does that sound? I've got categories of friends now. I mean I've had the "high school friends" and the "college friends" and the "work friends" and whatever but now the categories are the supportive friends, the not supportive friends and the infertile friends. Thank god for some support, and damn the not supportive friends but the infertiles, that's a whole new type. Our connection? Obviously, infertility, going through treatments, understanding getting upset when seeing a baby..
So, it's a new type of connection, we can talk about all things infertility and not hold back because we wonder what someone will think or if it will offend someone. It was the beginning of the friendship and only after hanging out some do we really learn that we have absolutely nothing else in common, and that's totally fine! It's actually nice to venture out.
The big hope and also the big fear is when one of us gets (and stays) pregnant. Do we stay friends? How does it work? The infertile friend I ate with tonight actually got a positive the other day. I see that as hopeful. There is no jealousy there, more respect for going through IVF and landing on the other side.
Only time will tell how the infertile relationships go, and also if I can remain friends with the "non-supporters" who were once some of my best friends.
I truly believe that some people enter your life at certain times to help you through things. Perhaps there are also people who just aren't supposed to be there for you, but don't go away. I don't know...it's all too deep! I do know that support is there, just the form at times changes.

stims day # 7

Okay, it's been a week and I don't yet feel any different. Last time I was totally bloated around this time and when they told me not to work out, I was actually okay with it. Now I am just....grrrr. The mixing of the new drugs gives me anxiety. But I am also anxious that things aren't progressing?? I mean, I was on the Lupron Depot so I wouldn't start with too many follicles. I guess that's what this feels like. He did say my lining was thin...I don't like to hear that. Got an appointment tomorrow so more on that later!

I didn't go to nursing school!!!!

I am not a nurse, not a doctor, not a heroin addict. So, when I freak out about giving myself an injection, I'd say that's pretty normal. The last time I did IVF, the drugs were all pre-mixed. Well, one wasn't but that was one night and to be honest, the d-man did it because it was the trigger shot.
This time I am using Bravelle, which has to be mixed. It's in powder form and you mix it with sodium chloride. At first I thought that was difficult enough. I had to suck out the water right, inject it into the powder, then move half of that mixture to another powder because my dose was all crazy. I figured I had that down tonight, but there were bubbles in the syringe. and I somehow got some of it to shoot out onto the counter. Rather than going crazy, I depressed the syringe and shot it all out into the sink. This cost about $300. Plus I probably put some local kids into early puberty but I didn't know what else to do.
Try number two......I started out much better, slower. I injected the now half mix into the new powder and the dose was perfect. However, when I tried to pull it back into the new syringe (must have all new everything so nothing gets contaminated, right?)there was another friggin air bubble. Only this one seemed much worse. I tapped and tapped, and TAPPED the damn thing but nothing was happening. It was like an air pocket. I put it down and started to freak out a bit.
I called a friend of mine and convinced myself it was a vacuum and not air.
I went back and started to inject it, just up until the air bubble. I stopped and took it out. AND noticed I only actually injected like half of it, maybe a bit more, I don't know. I was bleeding, too, of course. of COURSE! There goes another $150 and some poor girls childhood.

The fact that this is something I have to do is f'ing nuts! I'll be a patient but being the nurse too is not cool. ugh, it amazes me how I can endure shots, since I used to be afraid of needles but now I am more upset about reconstitution of drugs and doing the injections. Funny how things change....stay tuned.

my personal babymoon

I've been talking about this vacation for a while so I should mention it, right? In the past month I've had two car accidents, major ongoing drama with the insurance company, a failed reunion with high school "friends," a finding of nodules on my thyroid (turned out okay), and another work pregnancy announcement.
BUT, the six days and five nights I was in the Dominican Republic were awe...sommmme. It was like the other stuff wasn't even happening. Oh, sure there were at least two pregnant staff and I saw like five or six babymooners, but that DIDN'T EVEN MATTER!! We actually JOKED about it!!! ha!
We spent our days on the beach with someone coming to our cabana every 25-30 minutes asking us what kind of drink we wanted. We played tennis, hit the gym, sailed a bit, went horseback riding, swam, had romantic evenings beginning with dinner....it put our honeymoon to shame. That, my friends, was a vacation!

Reality has hit hard, but I have the memories!!!

We have started stims....here we go!

worse than baby story?

There is a show called "Pregnant and..." Not sure if it's on Discovery or TLC or what but it's about odd situations like pregnant and in prison, pregnant and 3 foot 2, pregnant and a man, whatever. Are you f'ing kidding me? THESE people have no problem reproducing. How about NOT pregnant and 33 and married with a stable income? Not as exciting, maybe???

lasting friendships?

Okay..this was a weekend that I was both looking forward to and dreading. My four high school girlfriends and I were heading to one house for the weekend. Usually we go camping, the five girls. We make smores, have beers, pitch tents and catch up on each others lives. Well, we decided that this year (well before I found out about all the infertility stuff) we would bring the husbands...and the kids. I'll admit, it wasn't the best. There were other reasons why it was a bad idea (personalities play a part here) but I'll stick to the infertility reasons for this. Otherwise, that's a whole other blog.
I was pretty scared after my IVF failed about how I would deal with seeing everyone with their kids. I wasn't sure if I could handle it, especially since it was SO hard right after to even be around people with babies or toddlers. I also have some friends who tend to talk baby or about everything that they are doing regarding parenting. I know that's not unusual, but I didn't want to hear it. SO, I sent an email. Granted, I sent it a while ago, but I still sent it. I thought it really explained why I didn't want to listen to baby stories, what I was feeling, and that I would like support. I got some responses, via email, and a non-response. great. I do have one extremely supportive friend in this group, but the others, and especially the host, I wasn't so sure about...
So. I did have a hard time at first. Saturday the guys went off to do something and the women were back by the pool. Everyone was playing with their kids and really not talking to each other like we usually do. It was actually kind of odd. Thus far, no one had really even asked how I was doing (well, some asked a little, and I mean a LITTLE, about the car accident I was just in). So, I was the only one with no kid to dote on, and no one seemed to give a shit about what I was going through (except my one friend..I don't put her in this group). I spent at least 45 minutes out kayaking alone, which gave me a chance to bawl my eyes out over everything without making anyone else uncomfortable. Cause you know, I cared what they felt. hint hint
After I got back, it got a little better. The men returned (including the d-man) and we played some games and we all did a 5k together. That night, the girls sat around the table and talked. Again, nothing. NOTHING. I didn't want to bring anything up, since I already had. I am not saying that others don't go through things that people don't talk about, but I mean, I put in the email that I WANTED to talk about it. I crave support, what can I say? It's kinda hard when that doesn't happen. As we were all finishing up packing to leave, the non-responder said she had been meaning to ask how everything was going and actually did. Okay, so now? Now that we are leaving?? Really? really. She said she would call. Yeah. You do that. The thing is, I'll probably freaking fill her in! But, I am on vacation for a week so perhaps I can not only ignore but also not answer her.
So, after thinking this weekend was going to be hard because I had to see people with their kids, I learned yet another hardship of infertility and relationships. People don't want to hear about it, even when you want to talk about it. In fairness, this weekend was odd all the way around in that no one really asked about anyone's lives, but they all knew that this was important to me.
When I read that some people lose friends for a while at least, while going through this, I didn't relate at first. Now I understand. Whether it's an uncomfortableness with everything, or not wanting to hear about it, or thinking I am overreacting, it doesn't really matter. It's just another thing that upsets me, and another shitty aspect of infertility.
Maybe next year we'll try camping again and I'll have the baby stories. Sadly, I won't forget this weekend.

That which does not kill us.....

Well, I’m alive. I keep saying that, I guess to reassure myself or to make me feel better, since things could have been worse. So, car accident; two, sort of.
This was supposed to be my month to relax. I had just gotten my last Lupron Depot shot and I was on my way to see a friend in the Boston area. I had just made it through NYC and was on my way up 95 north. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go, awful traffic, but it was also 5pm on a Friday leaving New York so it wasn’t a big surprise. So, I was just noticing the message boards saying that there was 11 miles left of congestion and I felt this jerk. I kind of picture it in slow motion, the glass flying at me, me hitting the car in front of me…I remember that there was water all over, from the bottle I had been drinking. I didn’t realize the back window was actually gone until I got out of the car. I called the d-man and I called the friend I was going to see. The guy whose van was now in front of me (who had actually hit me from behind because he had “dozed off”) seemed to be limping and dazed. I was more or less just shocked that this had actually happened. My next call was to the insurance company..then the police.
From there it gets worse, at least from my perspective. The cop was a really nice, super jacked up state trooper who let me make my phone calls from his air conditioned car. The d-man was kind of freaking out, especially since he was about to embark on a sailing race but got off the boat in Annapolis and into his car after I called him. Thankfully I convinced him not to come all the way up! I had the car towed to the nearest garage; it was a mess-totaled for sure. I opted to go to the hospital since I had numbness down my arm and was sore. I figured I had a few hours to kill anyway waiting for my friend to get there from Boston. So, they made me get on a stretcher-protocol. I didn’t realize this would be my position for the next seven hours.
Once at the hospital, I was basically in line with like three other stretchers. I saw at least one other accident, worse-looking than ours, and it was a Friday in New Haven, so probably a typical hot weekend. I eventually got into a room and asked about the accident by about four people at this point. Then someone asked if my arm still felt numb. It did, so I said yes. Mistake. I was then elevated to trauma and moved to the trauma unit. I was warned that I would be examined by a lot of people but that is NO warning.
I found myself under a light in an area with a curtain being pulled. I couldn’t tell you how many people were actually in there. One doctor introduced herself and said that they were going to take my clothes off and examine me. Then some nurse started cutting my shirt. Okay, taking off and CUTTING off? Different things. I at least got to take my shorts and underwear off myself and keep them. The other stuff was apparently not important. Then they said I had to lose the necklace. I pitched a fit here, but they weren’t actually going to cut it. Another nurse grabs my arm and says she needs to start an IV. I fought this and asked why. Her response was, “You’re in the trauma center, sweetie.” Nice. She of course hit a nerve and a sharp pain went down my arm to my wrist. Still bothers me a little five days later. Then I had people touching me and sticking things on or in me, I guess. Finally, I had a gown half on and a blanket over me and my friend came in.
Now, from there I had an MRI, a CT scan, and an x-ray. Fine, those make sense. The workup I got by all of those nurses, doctors, med students I’m sure, does NOT. I mean, I wasn’t unconscious. What the hell? I felt totally violated. Strong word maybe but for real, I was more upset about that experience then the actual accident, and still am. I ended up having no abnormalities, except they did find a nodule on my thyroid (which may screw up my IVF cycle by pushing it back another month). I just hope this didn’t happen so we “caught the cancer early.” That’s what I keep thinking, even though my GP said the nodule is most likely nothing and not to worry about it. Anyway, it took forever and we didn’t leave until one in the morning.
So, after all of that, and getting rental car, we visited a car dealership about a used car. I still don’t know what we will get but my car payment of nothing is most definitely going up. This with the IVF bill looming. So awesome. BUT, it gets even WORSE..
I was on my way to the doctor to ask about the thyroid and a freaking DEER ran INTO the RENTAL CAR! WTF???? Now I am dealing with four insurance companies, two cars, one car dealership and two hospitals. Needless to say, this is NOT the month of serenity it was supposed to be.