trying to figure out when/how I lost my friends

I don't feel alone, don't get me wrong. I've had times in my life when I didn't go out and felt like a total loser but that's long since past. I also feel like I have friends, but at the same time, I think that something has gone in my social abilities.

Admittedly, some of my friendships changed when I got married and moved to the suburbs. How could they not? I wasn't hitting the bars on a thursday night, taking a cab home and getting ready to do the same thing all weekend. Going out in the city takes considerably more effort now and when there is no attempt, for me, at meeting guys, it takes away some of the desire to get all decked out. I've always been low-maintenance but now it's more pronounced. SO, having said all of that, I don't see those friends that much, and in the three years since I moved, the groups have changed, there are a lot more (and seemingly younger) people who hang out that I don't know. When I do, I almost find myself talking to the married people (if there are any).

Wanting to have a baby changes things even further, and finding out that you can't GET pregnant (on your own, okay on OUR own) makes the commonality even less. I told my friends, but they can't relate. Even the married suburbanites can't relate to that! So I see that as another way that everything has changed with my friendships.

There is another thing that I don't pretend doesn't exist. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I have changed. I changed when I moved out here, I changed when I realized I wanted (we, sorry goose) to start a family, and I definitely changed when we were told that would be significantly difficult. I worry that I have changed so much that I won't be able to revitalize my friendships. Now it's the "let's get together for dinner...in the next four weeks" relationships that I worry are pretty much ending. I also worry about the long-standing friendships that I have had where I've been hurt by the reactions of my friends. Will I be able to overlook that, considering that they didn't know they were hurting me (and I know that)? Or can I continually say, "oh that's just her..." and believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell, I suppose.

I'm not saying that I don't have really good friendships, even now. I also know that I'll make friends in my life as it changes, or go back to others whose lives have moved ahead at a quicker pace than mine and I needed to "catch up" (or really just be into the same things--single people go out to meet other single people, people with kids do things with their kids). I guess I just worry that this whole experience has made me different, though I hope it's made me stronger and willing to accept things and people. I don't know. I've let things slide because I needed to. I've totally ignored people because I couldn't deal with them and their comments. I just really don't want that to bite me in the ass.

Like I said, we'll see what happens. I do think friends are hugely important, though, and I'll make sure that I always am one (even if I feel like I haven't been in the past year)

Okay, so I've been told that this post is whiny (thanks, d-man). Perhaps it is, must be the hormones, hahaha. I think that I am in a transition period...waiting and hoping and praying for the family to GET here, which would put us into that next level, if you will. But, the d-man makes a good point. I was never a party girl. I guess that maybe I feel even more distant from the city girls, but in all honesty, I'm okay with that.