Doing a lot, doing nothing

So, I am sitting on the couch watching a Shrek Christmas special while d-man is at the gym and the girls are asleep. I have about 20 minutes until the little one needs to eat again.  So, it's nice but what have I actually been doing? I haven't really talked to anyone. I finally hung out with a couple of friends last week but haven't really called anyone so I hope they assume that I'm okay.

So, I am, too, even though I'm pretty tired. I did spend part of today with baby A at the doctor dealing with her skin issues.  D-man and I have dry skin and the poor kid seems to have it and then some.  Anyway, things have been moving right along.  Thankfully baby A has been in daycare so I can focus on baby M and try TRY to get even minimal things done around the house.  I hit the same time suck as last time, attempting to increase my milk supply.  So baby was again skinny, although we noticed earlier this time and didn't wait around before giving her food.  The nurse told us to if no wet diaper on the day we left the hospital. We had no problem doing so this time and I still though that I was going to get milk in. I mean everything else was going as it should and we got pregnant the normal way.  However, as much as things got better, I guess I still have my hormonal issues.  This time, though I didn't get as upset, I got on it, with the same protocol.  I accepted that this may or may not work.  I started doing the same ritual every two to three hours- nurse, bottle, pump.  This takes over an hour so it's completely exhausting. Once the realization set in that I was not pumping more than an ounce each time, d-man and I decided to limit it. The doctor said to try to nurse and then bottle feed. We dropped he pumping.  It's working.  She's getting something, I'm keeping my sanity, and we will do it for at least six weeks or until there isn't anything left.

As for everything else, I'm getting there--way slower than last time, I think.  The fact that it hurt to really walk for like two weeks set the tone.  Thankfully I haven't gained the weight I lost by having the baby, though I don't know how not.....I still don't fit into anything. Damn.

Ok, baby's got to eat......

Baby M

So, I can't believe that it has been since August?? God, sorry.   That may be good because I fear the blog had turned into a bitch session for in-law issues.  Not this post, no worries.  In the past three months I have endured a tiring and uncomfortable third trimester, got all of my major things done at work before leaving for three months and had the new baby--M!  This is the inevitable birth story.  It's amazing how this blog has morphed, but, life is funny....

The story begins with a crazy hurricane.  Superstorm Sandy was to head right over my house less than 48 hours after my due date.  I was so ready to go a bit earlier, but that did not happen....In any case, the d-man was prepping for armegeddon and I admit, I was pretty scared.  We ended up lucking out, although watching those who were hit hard was really devastating.  We actually never even lost power and spending the night at the in-laws due to their having a generator wasn't necessary (although D-man felt more comfortable).  BUT, I was also nervous about driving to the hospital in 70 mile an hour wind gusts.  This never happened, of course, and not only did she wait until the end of the month, she almost had us going in early.

The night before Halloween I started to feel contractions. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions for like a month and I thought, at the time, that these were different.  I remember thinking that this was a bit easier than last time because I was tougher...haha.  Still hurt, though.  We called the doctor and she threw out the five minutes apart thing that never happened with baby A.  So, we waited and timed things.  D-man packed the car, called the grand parents and was ready.  Then....we both fell asleep.  Never happened.  I was kind of pissed.  I did have a doctor's appointment at 9 on Halloween so I talked to the doc again...I am glad we never went in and had them send us home.  I was now officially worried about that happening.

So, Halloween...we forgot to put baby A in a costume for daycare.  We were busy, she won't remember.  I met d-man for lunch in town since I was now officially on leave.  I was still feeling the contractions but nothing crazy.  I got out the insane amount of candy I bought (and ate a ton of), and the MIL was coming over that evening to sew a skirt on the bassinet (it's an old family heirloom from the early 1900s).  So, while she was over (for 2 hours!) sewing, I definitely had a decent contraction, or a couple.  I was of course, trying to minimize them as my being in labor is NOT something I would ever want the MIL to witness.  D-man said to her that I probably was in labor...and she asked me if I wanted her to stay.  so...nope.  Anyway, we didn't get too many trick or treaters, and things moved quicker than last time...not quick in any way, but quicker.  D-man at some point wanted to go, but I kept trying to wait until the five minute thing happened.  NEVER did.  I really think it's bullshit.  Honestly, the contractions were like 5-15 minutes apart but lasted like 3-5 minutes.  Thankfully we went in anyway around midnight, me worried the whole ride in that they would send us back....
But, we got in there, the resident blond chick on her OB track measured me at six centimeters, which for me means epidural.  Enter Russian anesthesiologist.  He did a very fast procedure, in Russian.   Seemed to work better than last time!  The side effects kinda sucked...threw up (and ms. resident backed up her chair so as to not get any on her..nice) and was shaking uncontrollably.  They never mention that stuff.  But within a couple hours I was ready to go...the real doc came in but I didn't catch her name (overnight crew) and I pushed baby M out in like 10-15 minutes with blond resident in charge.  She has hair, unlike her sister who is STILL working on that.  She is cute in a little old man way.  She latched on right away, making me think the breast feeding thing was going to WORK this time (not so, more on that in future post).

We went to our room with baby in a few hours.  I had odd pain in that I couldn't lift my legs without a lot of pain and rolling over in bed was painful.  Dr. Google told me later that I was having pelvic pain issues but I didn't mention that to the doctor because I thought it was just normal pain.  It really did suck and thankfully has gone away for the most part.  What the hell, baby M isn't huge or anything---7 and a half pounds at birth.  Anyway, we are beyond that at this point.

So, that's my short story...don't know who the doc was who delivered her, but it really was a normal uneventful birth so that didn't matter.  She IS cute and the hospital stay was WAY too long (d-man almost lost it at the end...) but we had a good nurse (and some annoying ones) and are now figuring out how to handle two!

What the hell just happened?!?!?

sicky

So, I am home yet again because baby A was booted from daycare.  She has had a fever for the past two days and although it is going away, she is cranky as all hell and isn't eating enough.  Needless to say, my air-conditioned office would be a nice break.  I took my last available sick day today.  If I have to do it again, I will not put in for it and see if the boss notices.  I did that a few times and he never said anything.  Because we live in America, I don't have paid maternity leave and must use sick and vacation time, so I need to save up.
    I keep wondering if baby A is "sickly" because I feel like she has been out so much.  I guess not, but man, this sucks.  I know the next one will get everything that baby A will get too, so that's gonna be awesome.  She is napping right now, so hopefully sleeping it off, and I may pass out  myself (since we were up every hour last night).  I brought work home with me HA.
    So, yesterday, d-man took her to the doctor but then to the in-laws when he was at work.  I am very glad that she has somewhere to go and we obviously need that help....but....and I just have to go there because it BOTHERS me so much.  When we went to pick her up MIL was holding her AND she had a blanket around her.  It was 93 degrees yesterday.  She had a 103 fever (I wonder what it would have been if she wasn't being HELD and wrapped in a winter blanket).  I didn't even bring that one up first, d-man actually did.  Not in front of his mom, however.  On the way out she wanted to give her something crazy again and FIL had to yell at her again because toddlers should not have it.  I do often wonder how the four kids made it to adulthood.  But, what really irks me, and this has happened since the first day we even went over there with baby A, is how she grabs her and really almost won't give her to me.  I mean, I sat down next to them when we got there thinking she would give her to her mother.  Nope.  When I finally took her (and the blanket off) she cried (103 fever) of course and MIL swept in and grabbed her again.  I don't know if my eyes had daggers or what, but d-man took baby A said we had to go right away.  One day, I will lose my shit.  I don't know if it will be pretty or not.  Why does she throw me lines of bullshit like "your're a great mom" without adding the "except when I am here," bit?  Am I crazy to be upset?  or to want to hold my child when she is sick, or to think that most people would kind of let that happen?  This isn't just when she is sick, it's all the friggin time.  I feel like she thinks I am a babysitter, and it is a major reason why I don't like going over there.  SHE is the babysitter when we go over there, and she needs to realize it.

But...I am focusing on getting this kid to health at the moment so that we can enjoy our weekend.  Hopefully free of BS.

The crying game

So it's been a rough week. I ran up the stairs in my socks and bruised the crap out of my shins and knees. I was at my sister in law's birthday party until one in the morning and found myself on my feet for most of it,rendering me quite bitchy in the morning. But the thing that is annoying the hell out of me is my hormone induced weeping. I just cried at the end of "the newsroom" (okay, it was supposed to invoke a reaction). I cried listening to Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels talk about how much he loved the fans (after he signed a 144 million dollar contract). I cried after the injury too but that hurt like a mother f'er. (note to self, don't do that in front of baby A. She didn't really appreciate that) So, this emotional stuff will end when, like when new baby is a few months old? But for now, d-man gets to deal with me.

B session...

So, I have to admit, this is an annoying post.  I just want to complain, really, and not completely about my mother in law, either (although I am making the d-man give her a print-out of choking hazards for one-year-olds---story for another time).  I just don't FEEL good is all.  As a woman who is pregnant, I cannot complain, not at work, not to others for the most part because I need to be tough.  I think that's what those in my situation seem to think anyway.  I totally have to be fine at work, I mean, I do have a lot to do.

Now, I remember before I ever got pregnant the first time, a friend of mine was telling me how a friend of hers was complaining about being pregnant--like whatever was bothering her at the time.  My friend said that since HER friend had trouble getting pregnant that she had no excuse to complain and should be happy.  That friend had never and still has never been pregnant.  Now, this time was no trouble, obviously, although I wasn't prepared, but whatever that's horrible of her to say.  BUT, not relevant, just was thinking about it.

So, I mentioned that I feel huge, and that's true.  I just feel more huge than before.  I actually asked the doctor about it, knowing I was like 10-15 pounds bigger when I got pregnant this time.  Her response was that it isn't ever like the first time.  There is no more cute baby bump, that's it's just downhill from here.  Well, okay then.  I AM trying to get the gym as much as I can, meaning when I am not exhausted.  But here is the thing...I am sick again!  I had a cold/sinus infection for like 5 weeks, got better and now am coughing and congested again.  And it's NOT from baby A, I got this one on my own.  Plus...I have heartburn-bad.  Not a fan.  It's been between 90 and 100 degrees for the past week, leaving me almost passing out going up the stairs with baby A.  I haven't yet had to bring a pillow into bed with me, but that may change tonight.

I'm also crying at facebook commercials.

I think, though, I am jealous of my friends who are losing weight, and those who just feel good this summer.  I want it to be the end of October like now, even though we have a LOT to do yet.  Can't win.

Okay...gotta go get a tums.

more than half way there...

So, it's been over a month.  I feel like I am neglecting my rambling self. So, I am almost 23 weeks which, if you are doing the math, is over half way to 40 weeks.  I feel huge.  I also don't feel the baby too much.  This scares me, but I am assured it is because the placenta is in the front.  I feel slight movements but nothing like last time.  Of course, I don't know when that got to be annoying, like I could see her pushing me, so maybe I'm cool.  This girl (oh, yeah, found that one out) is much different.

I'm finding that this time, I am super tired.  I remember being super tired last time, but taking care of baby A and being huge and  pregnant, makes me well, really super tired.  I think I am also stressing my self out a bit because I am not getting the house as clean as I want or need.  I am getting mad at D-man because he is doing other things and not getting the house clean.  I am not sure why that bothers me but I just know that I feel better when it's clean.  I think, what I need is a day off...a day to pamper myself (and maybe clean the house).  Problem is, I can't take too many days off because I need to save them for when the baby comes....Ah America and our wonderful maternity leave.

So, anyway, this is SUMMER.  I need to de-stress.  July will be better....I know it.

Now, just need to get ready for the next baby.  ugh.

MIL making things hard...

So, this is most definitely a venting sort of post. I apologize for the irrelevance but at the same time, I think it’s pretty relevant since it all comes back to my kids. Anyway, I went on another bad vacation, which seems to happen too often to me. Unless it’s just me and the d-man…and A.


We went to the outer banks in NC, where we took baby A in October as well. At that point, it was the three of us and my FIL. I windsurfed a bit, the men, lots, and we went to the beach, had a decent time. This time, d-man and FIL begged my MIL to come. I admittedly, had no desire for this to begin with, but it wasn’t really my deal. We don’t have the best relationship being that we are complete opposites. It has been d-man’s goal to get us to be friends, but as much as I try to not feel uncomfortable around her, she puts a lot of pressure on me to be someone I’m not, and I don’t respond well to that. HOWEVER, we had recently gone shopping for baby A and things were as good as they ever were…

We heard early on that she hated it down there. We were meeting them and she already was having a horrible time. She has back pain, so that was part of it, but she went down thinking it was going to be awful. I, on the other hand, was actually looking forward to it…on the beach, getting a tan, etc. Being preggo again, windsurfing was out but I would bike ride, kayak maybe. BUT, the weather took some of that away. It was cold-ish, windy, and rainy. This was actually good for windsurfing, so the boys were cool. MIL was going to the beach with A, come hell or high water. It was seriously windy and I knew that would make for a crappy trip. We went anyway, the first day there. It was me, A, and the MIL. Short trip to the beach with painful whipping sand. I think MIL thought it was the first time A went to the beach for some reason, so she really wanted to be the one to take her but she’s actually been to like 4 beaches…in less than a year of life. Nice life. Our shopping trip after that wasn’t too bad. MIL bought A a toy, we looked around a bit and went back. After that, I don’t know where things went bad, but they did.

Now, I was prepared for the constant, “you should be doing this with her at this stage,” and “all babies do X at this stage” stuff. Unsolicited advice is her specialty. (note, this never comes out with d-man, even though we share all child-rearing and both work full time) However, it was pretty evident that she had no desire to talk to me. She spoke baby talk to A almost exclusively. She sang to her constantly as well, almost as if she had to do it because I was such a horrible mother who put A in a corner when I was alone with her. I was also used to the comments about her not having shoes on, or wearing something too big, or whatever else is “wrong.” I’m also use to her being passive aggressive in general, as my own mom is pretty good at that. But one particular insult still bothers me, and may be the reason I felt the need to vent. A was playing with a piece of fabric that was tied like a do-rag. At one point she put her “hat” on her head and MIL said to her, “so you ARE going to be a girl…” Now, I am a professional woman. I was a tomboy and still am to some extent. I play sports, actually I work in sports as an administrator. I hate wearing make-up when not going out on the town or to work, and I’d prefer going to a baseball game over the ballet any day. These things do not make me not a girl. I know that MIL is terrified of A turning out like me. She constantly buys her prissy clothes and dresses that are too nice for daycare, and since she doesn’t walk yet, not really appropriate to wear anyway. Anyway, I didn’t comment, I chalked it up to her being her usual insulting self, but as I brought it up to a couple of other people, they were shocked. My daughter is a beautiful little girl, and has been since birth. MIL’s idea of what is “right” and where one’s place is doesn’t bother me, when it’s just in her head. BUT, if it’s going to be put out there, I have a problem with that.

After this I tried to avoid her. I went on a bike ride in the wind and rain while she watched A, so I could get out of there. Thankfully, MIL and FIL took A back to the beach so d-man and I could hang out another morning. As much as I wanted to be with A, I couldn’t be up with MIL. This will be an ongoing problem. Since A’s birth, MIL has put out her hands when we come over. It’s like, once we are in her presence, SHE is the caretaker. She once asked if I could watch A while she left the room. As I mentioned, I work full time so my time with A is important to me. I lose time with her when we go over there, and I hate that.

But anyway, other things that were annoying were all of us at a dinner party with other windsurfers. MIL had no desire to hang out with athletic people, but she went. I complimented the host on his vegetable dish. Her response was that A would like it. After dinner, I was drying wine glasses while another guest washed. MIL came over, grabbed a towel and proceeded to dry the glasses I just dried. I apparently can’t do this task well enough. At one point, she handed bottles that she had washed to me, went up to her room to get them during the dinner party, and when I got up to mingle, she brought them over to me and gave me the dirtiest look ever, for leaving them on the table.

She has always said that I’m such a good mother, doing a great job with A, and she loves me so much. Total bullshit.

D-man is beginning to understand sort of. He says, “I’m sorry you hate my mom,” waiting for me to say that I don’t we are just different. I just wish he would say, “I’m sorry my mom is hurtful to you….”

Side note: The woman who we rent the space from has a son and daughter in law who did IVF around the same time as us. They are surprise pregnant too. I am becoming a believer there….I think the BEST treatment for infertility is having a baby. That part may be an issue, but if you can get there, it seems to help.

moving right along...

So, we've had a series of illnesses here in our household.  I, well, I was sick constantly, but one day just couldn't keep anything down.  soooo fun.  I missed two days of work and lost 4 pounds.  I was actually lighter than I had been since having A.  BUT, with a gut.  So, there's that.  Anyway, d-man got sick after that and then A.  She apparently has picked up hand, foot, and mouth disease from daycare.  She is going to get EVERYTHING from daycare.  Tough kid.  Frustratingly stubborn, too.  She doesn't like to eat real food.  She's lazy.  God forbid she has to put a banana or chicken into her mouth.  What the hell, she HAS teeth.  We don't want to continue with the baby food, but sometimes, that's all we got.  Of course with this new disease, she isn't eating much of anything. 
Anyway, so I told my buddy at the gym of the impending baby, since I hadn't been there in a while.  The whole nausea thing makes that not so inviting.  He told the whole class and the teachers of the class so everyone I come in contact with at the gym now knows.   I also told my boss, but I want to wait until after the next appointment for anyone else.  I'm still nervous.  I mean, I feel better which scares me.  I mean, I don't like feeling sick but at least I knew I was pregnant.  It's friggin nerve wracking.  I have accepted that I cannot have a margarita on cinco de mayo.  I'm still pissed I can't go biking this summer.  I'm working on it....

Happy Easter!

So, we told the fam last Sunday, hopefully not prematurely, since the first screening test is in a couple days. I honestly didn’t really want to tell anyone. I don’t know why, but I didn’t find this an exciting thing. But, I had to put a date out there for the d-man since he DID want the world to know. We settled for Easter Sunday before really knowing what we were doing, but figuring we’d be at the in-laws (my in-laws). Easter Sunday became Easter Saturday due to my FIL having to work on Sunday.

So…we waited until everyone was there, which wasn’t until we were ready to eat dinner, really. D-man just kind of interrupted everyone and said, “K’s pregnant.” Just like that. Now…okay, I knew my MIL would have some crazy reaction, and she did. She shrieked and kissed me like eight times. Super Uncomfortable since my family is quite different but whatever. She did also ask why I took a test, did I feel sick? Really? I said, no the usual reason one takes a pregnancy test. Side note….even though baby A is almost 11 months old, so I am 11 months into this parenthood thing, she actually asked me if I could watch baby A while she left the room at some point on Sunday. Good lord, I wonder how two is going to be? We also got the “I knew sorta because you weren’t drinking” from everyone. Really? I’m usually two sheets to the wind on Easter Sunday? Apparently.

For my family, it was all phone calls, except my little brother who we told on a visit to see him in Florida. I wasn’t drinking so….oh, wait, I guess I am a lush. Anyway, the others were happy and surprised but nothing too crazy. I think my older brother was the most shocked as the whole previous IVF thing and now this just didn’t compute. Well, he’s not the only one…

So, cat is out of the family bag. Not so much with the rest of the world, and I am really nervous about the screening tests. I am also running through my head how to organize my life in late fall, typically a very busy time at work.

But, I can honestly say that I am at least still pregnant. I feel like shit every night. I am usually kind of sick throughout the day and when I am not concentrating on something, it’s worse. So, yea. I do hope that goes away as it is supposed to in a couple weeks. I am not a nausea fan.

"So, I hear you're pregnant." These are the exact words I heard two weeks ago when I was meeting some old college friends on the old campus with the families. Now, this wasn't a good friend and she was referring to the fact that the last time I saw her, I wasn't even pregnant with baby A. D-man looked like a deer in headlights. He really didn't think her comment was funny at all.

So, we were at a loss for words for a bit because we had not told anyone but a couple friends and my little brother (we were in vacation visiting him and I wasn't drinking...it was easier that way). The thing is, that hasn't changed. I don't know, I guess I am hiding it, I mean I know I am hiding it, but I don't know why. I am so afraid of something bad happening and having to deal with people KNOWING that, that I would rather wait. It's completely the same feeling as last time. I may be more scared this time, because I was drunk a few times and had raw tuna and advil. At the same time, I have no desire to rent a doplar. But, I know I am still pregnant because I feel awful. I am sick every day. This is new. Typically, I am feeling seriously nauseous after dinner through the evening. Although this morning I felt kinda sick, too, which made the gym difficult. I read today that higher levels of nausea could mean a girl....d-man will be upset. He keeps referring to to it as "little man."

Well, we will let the cat out of the bag at Easter...I'll be 11 weeks. I am a week less that I had originally thought. That's good because one of the times I know I had too many beers was BEFORE then....and oddly d-man is certain he knows when it happened. He's right, mathematically speaking. Pushing the due date later is better for work, so I hope that sticks.

Anyway...I am really trying to push through this being sick thing. It is not fun. I get to travel for work next week and have another(!) event at night on Wednesday, so I hope I make it!

what I am thinking??

So, how do I feel now….? Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to be pregnant again so soon. Selfishly, I wanted this summer to get in shape, get on my bike (with my new helmet), play on the softball team at the Y, have some Margarita’s and hang with my husband and daughter. So, honestly, I’m not looking forward to being uncomfortable, unable to do much, dry, and even fatter. But, I don’t want to say that, because if something happens, then it is my fault, right?
This is what I wanted….in a year and a half, but I can’t control that.

So there are a lot of other things going through my head right now. Are we ready for another newborn? Damn, that was hard. I mean, the sleep thing and the feeding thing and the worrying thing. Also, can we afford it? Well, yes, but now we need to buy a new car as well as the house. These are things we needed anyway, but there are in our face now. The car has to happen soon, and the house I think of longingly…..Also, I don’t want people to now buy into that “you just relaxed…” or “you weren’t thinking about it” bullshit. It’s all the rage and it really irks me. I wasn’t completely NOT thinking about it and having Baby A gave me an actual menstrual cycle, so it’s not like this is too farfetched. Of course even my OB said I am like that happy infertility story that people love to hear. Perhaps, but I don’t want to be the false hope chick, either.

But I am of course, still thinking the worst. Just like last time but without the bi-weekly ultrasounds. I do have one tomorrow to verify that I am actually pregnant and check the age. I know it is early. I keep telling myself that. I also keep reading awful stories of women who had ultrasounds and found out that their babies had those crazy diseases or were going to die in the womb and had to go through hell to get an abortion(thanks Tea Party bastards) . Ugh. So, that’s on my mind. That’s why I don’t want to tell like anyone right now.

It is so weird, that I have to accept the thing that I was so longing for a year and a half ago.

for real now

Okay, so I called the doctor's office. Yes, it was positive but after five tests on my own, I kinda figured as much. Now I wait to go to my first appointment next week. At that point I'll be eight and a half weeks. Hopefully I can get it together here. I keep eating crap i.e., sugar, I haven't been to the gym in three days (yes that is actually a long time for me) and I still can't seem to believe this. I tried to order a steamer at Starbucks and ended up with some frozen vanilla concoction. More sugar and I didn't mean this one. I don't consider this behavior crazy; I haven't succumbed to many shamrock shakes or anything but I need to get healthy. I have no problem staying away from booze and I "gave it up for lent." Of course, if I get into any conversations about the pope's stance on IVF no one will buy that.

Anyway, I am rambling. I feel like I am in limbo. I need a doctor to say to my face that I am pregnant. I need to feel it. I haven't felt nauseous since Saturday, so that freaks me out too. At least last time I was bloated as all hell. Now I don't feel any different. I'm really scared that this won't last or I did something to mess it up. It really is a gift and if I did something when I didn't know, I blew it.

I'll just wait and see, and see the response of my doc on Thursday. Starting now......less sugar.

WTF?!?!

I am writing this on February 28th but I have no idea when I will actually post it. So, I don’t know how to feel or if this is real or what? I was freaking this morning and I’m not sure if I should be happy or what? Why? Positive pee test. Seriously.

Okay, aside from the fact that (and d-man will hate me for saying this) we don’t have sex all that often, I swear we didn’t during the “window of opportunity” and I feel totally normal as far as symptoms go, we were TOLD we CAN’T. D-man has a LOW SPERM COUNT. Like low. True, my cycle completely normalized after having the baby, but we did IVF because of what they called male factor, aka, low sperm count.

My period was late. I know this because it has been like clockwork and because I have an app on my phone that tells me this. I thought, I should test, just to check, you never know….we aren’t using any birth control or anything, why would we? But I’d forget. I’m so used to not getting a period that I just thought it was my body back to its old self. Went out a few times, went to a beer fest (ugh), took some Advil for a neck pain issue, consumed a LOT of coffee….but last night I took an old, expired test. When it was positive, I took another old expired test. I waited until the morning to take the not expired test. Positive. I wasn’t sure if I was upset or just not believing or what. I went to the gym and told d-man when I got home.

He didn’t believe it. I bought four more tests to see what happens. BUT, he’s giddy now. I think he feels vindicated. I mean, yes, this is WAY too early. Baby A is only nine months old and the plan was to try again like a year from now, or a little more. This was IF I could convince d-man, since it was a huge expense. Now, although the timing is off, it will be harder with work, daycare just doubled and all the newborn stuff is summer, if this is for real, this is quite a gift.

March 3rd. I had a blood test on Wednesday but they haven't called. I forgot to call them in time on Friday so I wait. I've felt kinda sick but off and on. I don't feel this is real and I really feel like it cannot last. I need the call from the doc.

What the hell? Was Dr. God lying to make 15k? I'm so waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must be pregnant because I felt the same way last to time. Well, I guess I'm back to blogging...

Infertile forever

This week has been kind of emotional. I'm sure my period (yes, I get that now) may have something to do with it since I truly feel what my hormones actually do to me after all of this. But I can't blame that anymore. It's been a tough week because I realized that even though everything has changed, a lot has not.

I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.

So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).

Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.

I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.