what I am thinking??

So, how do I feel now….? Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to be pregnant again so soon. Selfishly, I wanted this summer to get in shape, get on my bike (with my new helmet), play on the softball team at the Y, have some Margarita’s and hang with my husband and daughter. So, honestly, I’m not looking forward to being uncomfortable, unable to do much, dry, and even fatter. But, I don’t want to say that, because if something happens, then it is my fault, right?
This is what I wanted….in a year and a half, but I can’t control that.

So there are a lot of other things going through my head right now. Are we ready for another newborn? Damn, that was hard. I mean, the sleep thing and the feeding thing and the worrying thing. Also, can we afford it? Well, yes, but now we need to buy a new car as well as the house. These are things we needed anyway, but there are in our face now. The car has to happen soon, and the house I think of longingly…..Also, I don’t want people to now buy into that “you just relaxed…” or “you weren’t thinking about it” bullshit. It’s all the rage and it really irks me. I wasn’t completely NOT thinking about it and having Baby A gave me an actual menstrual cycle, so it’s not like this is too farfetched. Of course even my OB said I am like that happy infertility story that people love to hear. Perhaps, but I don’t want to be the false hope chick, either.

But I am of course, still thinking the worst. Just like last time but without the bi-weekly ultrasounds. I do have one tomorrow to verify that I am actually pregnant and check the age. I know it is early. I keep telling myself that. I also keep reading awful stories of women who had ultrasounds and found out that their babies had those crazy diseases or were going to die in the womb and had to go through hell to get an abortion(thanks Tea Party bastards) . Ugh. So, that’s on my mind. That’s why I don’t want to tell like anyone right now.

It is so weird, that I have to accept the thing that I was so longing for a year and a half ago.