Moody? WTF? and I QUIT therapy...

Okay, so things are going pretty well here. I am still WAITING....and getting the occasional hot flash, of course. BUT, I am living the summer, going away, hanging by the pool, exercising, trying to eat fruit and count it as dessert. It's all good. So, WHY do I have days of being sad. I don't get it. I feel like I should be fine right now! I guess I have never really had to deal with something that just wasn't ending.
Last week I went to my support group and I was the only one there. That isn't anyone else's fault, people have vacations, and things that come up, but when I just talked about what was going on with me, there really wasn't anything all that exciting. I mean, other than drug side effects (which aside from just making me feel bizarre, isn't really noteworthy). I had to fill the time because I really didn't want to waste my 25 bucks.
I decided that I needed time off, a break, or that I didn't really need the group while I am still waiting on the IVF again.... I do walk with one of my fellow group chicks every week, so I get the updates. So I left, for a while, anyway. I felt great about it and I know that it's the right thing to do right now. I think, though, that I just realized this weekend, that my feelings are not going away, that I still have to deal with all of this.
So, I was good, most of the week, but yesterday-Saturday, was BAD. I mean, I don't know what the hell was wrong with me but was in a pissy mood all day. Part of it was the fact that we had to clean the house but the d-man wanted to make sure we watched soccer (okay, I really am not a fan of soccer) and then we were going to the Phillies game. The thing is, I was exhausted. I mean, ready to fall asleep at any time, anywhere, exhausted. Plus, I was cranky and just was ready to fight with the d-man at any point. That's not me, so what is it? the drugs? I don't know. I'm still dealing with just being upset for no reason. So, no therapy, but nothing is really going away. I am pretty sure that I can handle it, that I can cry it out when I need to and talk to whoever I have to.
I'll go back to the group, but for now, I have to deal with all this shit on my own. Because the thing is, I WILL be moody, and I will be sad and I will get upset about things that seem normal to other people. It's how I deal with it right now that's going to make or break my July. no pressure....

The heat is so HOT......mon

A few years ago I was in the BVIs and we were listening to the radio (reggae, shocker). The DJ was awesome and his best line was “The heat is so hot!” SOO apropos right now……

It has been summer for all of a day and a half and we are experiencing crazy heat and humidity usually not seen until August (in the Philly area). Global warming is non-existent? I beg to differ, Mr. Cheney. We have another 90+ couple of days coming up and I am super glad our AC is working in the house and in the office. I am especially glad because at 33 years old, I am experiencing what I am sure are hot flashes. Now this is not a surprise, since this summer I am taking Lupron Depot to prep my ovaries for IVF #2 in August and the side effects are supposed to be “menopausal-like symptoms.”

I was not certain at first if I had a hot flash or what. I went to the source (mom) who said I’d wake up having sweat through whatever I was wearing and possibly the sheets. That hasn’t happened, though I have woken up sweating. The thing is I didn’t know throughout the past few weeks if I was having a hot flash or if the AC was going out or something. I mean it’s BEEN 95 DEGREES OUT!! I’ve taken to asking others around if they are hot when I have these moments of serious hotness (and not in the me in a bikini way) and sweat building up on my brow. They have been saying, “no…???”

Here’s when I figured something was up; about three and a half weeks after beginning the shots, I went to the dentist. I was sweating in the chair…now again, 90 degrees, and I was in the frickin’ dentist chair and who doesn’t sweat there? Well, when I say hot, I mean, sweat down my back—kind of embarrassing walking out of there. Then I began to realize that I’d have these 5-10 minute well, hot flashes. The asking those around me (the d-man, my therapist from group) if they were hot and having them say, “no, I’m actually a bit chilly,” made me realize what was going on here.

SO, I was super excited not to be getting the side effects but was so worried that it meant this wasn’t working. Well, not anymore! I don’t think it’s overbearing, but I hope to hell it doesn’t get worse. I’m glad this is in the summer so I can tell people it’s just hot out and not be totally embarrassed. I get to go through this again in 20 years, right? Awesome.

filled up the summer!

Okay, so we threw caution to the wind and are going to Punta Cana for five nights and six days (or four since we have to actually get there)!!! Can we afford it? HELL NO! But we deserve it after the crap we have gone through in the past six months. We did a lot of justification for this one, since it isn't cheap. I mean we've been through the whole infertility punch to the face, and one round of IVF and we need to have a vacation--JUST THE TWO OF US. We picked a secluded adult-only all-inclusive spot to NOT get upset about seeing babies and parents, NOT listen to our families or friends or colleagues opinions and just enjoy each other (and the beach!).

We've decided to keep it quiet. No family will know and not all the friends (though since we are going to a third world country, someone will get the flight number) There is a bit of guilt associated with this, which is totally messed up. I mean we are 33 and 32 and OLD enough to go on vacation, right!? I guess since we are dropping 5k for round two and depleting the house fund on a trip to the DR, we feel a bit like this may be a selfish decision (but well, the money is OURS). Well, we won't be able to do this for a LONG time--the baby, I mean, the baby will take our time and money, we are still thinking about that whole thing---so this is it!

I begin stims the week we get back (I think??) and have an appointment for an ultrasound and bloodwork the day after we get home. RIGHT IN! I just hope I don't mistakenly drink the water. That would make for an uncomfortable visit to Dr. God's office! For him and me, I assume.

Now....to lose 10 pounds in a month (okay, 5).....

baby watching...

Here is what I consider to be a "just so you know" for all of you out there who know someone who is struggling with infertility. Because, it makes absolutely no sense. Here's the thing, I was at the Hallmark store buying a card for my dad for father's day. I was looking at the 'from both of us' cards which were next to the 'new dad' and 'dad to be' cards. So, I started to get upset. Now, this is not new, but it does still feel odd to me. It's the same feeling I get when I see a baby, a pregnant woman, a dad playing with his child....is it jealousy? No, not exactly. It is sad, it is realizing the unfairness of the situation and it's part fear that I won't ever get there.
There are many things that bring these pretty intense feelings up. Other than what I mentioned, there are my co-workers who talk about their grandchildren's first steps, the pictures of sonograms as a facebook picture (along with ALL the facebook postings about how awesome parenthood is). Some entertainment has gotten the ax (the office, the movie Up which I refuse to see until I actually have a baby) but things like father's day cards come out of nowhere!
I am pretty confident that I look like I am overreacting or reaching here to the fertiles out there. When I read in all the books that this is the reaction, I didn't believe it. How could I get upset about seeing a toddler with his parents walking down the street. Well, now I know...I really know.
I think it isn't as bad for me as for some others I know. At least I feel like I can talk to my friends and family with kids. Some people can't be around it and avoid their friends.
It's hard partly because it's so odd. People usually don't get it and when I think about people with kids and how its not me, I cry. I cry a lot, and I NEVER used to. THAT is upsetting.
I've learned that I will never put a sonogram on facebook, or in an email if I don't know the history of who is getting it. I will never ask someone if they hate kids because they leave the room when a baby comes in (this happened to me at work). I just won't judge.
For the record, I hate that this upsets me. I hate that I am afraid to hang out with my friends and their families. I hate that I have and had to leave everyone for a few minutes because I didn't want to cry in front of them. I hate being sad. It is exhausting...
So, be understanding if someone you know is in my situation. Invite her to your baby shower but don't expect her to come, and don't be upset by that. Don't talk about your baby all of the time. Try to tell her you are pregnant over an email, so she can be upset but then happy for you (because she totally IS). Understand that what she is going through is difficult, and it isn't forever. She is not being overly dramatic, but her life is all drama right now...

sweatin the summer

So, this summer is free. I mean, I have nowhere to go. Some weekends or most weekends, are busy but I haven’t planned any real vacation. I can’t. We are doing IVF in August. THAT seems far away, since it is now June, but I still can’t plan for anything. I keep reading about people’s trips to the Caribbean or drives across the country, but I am planning for the occasional Friday off and I feel pretty jipped.
The d-man and I did spend four days (Wednesday, Thursday and the weekend) on a boat with my in-laws, but we were basically using them for a vacation. To be honest, that wouldn’t be my first choice. It’s VERY close quarters and when you are on a sailboat but don’t sail, it isn’t exactly a good time. Note to self (and others), NEVER jump in on someone else’s vacation. You get no say and you have to pretend to be having a good time, even when you aren’t.
But, anyway…I was told by Dr. God to enjoy the summer. I can work out, have some drinks, hit the beach, stay worry-free! All this because we have to wait a bit for cycle number two while I take a medication that could give me menopausal symptoms. If that’s not enjoyment, I don’t know what is! Aside from constant worry and still being pretty upset over the whole infertility thing, the physical aspect may make the summer somewhat hard to enjoy, but THAT’s not even my issue.
I can’t plan a trip. We have no money; it’s going to treatments. I can’t take a lot of vacation; what if I get pregnant? I need those days for maternity leave. (Contrary to popular, or my, belief, FMLA only means they can’t fire you for not working and you can work WITHOUT pay for six months if need be) I have a good six weeks in sick days and six weeks in vacation that should get me my three months. Non-paid leave? Seriously? With an extra mouth or two to feed, how the hell to people do that? Aside from vacation, I am going to be using sick days for the doctor’s appointments and the retrieval and the transfer….I need to get a lot done this summer. But I really do need something tropical.
Well, the in-laws do have a pool. I mean…not ideal, but at least it’s not on a boat.

Sex for the sake of sex

So, where is the craziest place that you have done it? I know I've had the conversation with my girlfriends and my answer has never been that exciting. "Well, we did it in the living room a few times, is that risque?" Um, no, I came to realize pretty quickly that my sex life has been pretty tame.
Anyone who has been trying to get pregnant knows full well that even the tamest of personal bedroom escapades turns quickly to duty and monotony. For those who realize it isn't happening after just "having lots of sex a lot," soon there are three key days out of the month, then there are specific times and days that your ovulation predictor kit, or basal body temperature have told you that you need to do it NOW! Pretty soon, you are taking the husband away from the baseball game and rearranging road trips for those precious few minutes that no longer seem fun.
My situation with this particular aspect of TTC was short-lived. I tried to figure out what cervical mucus was and laid on the bed with my hips on a few pillows. Now knowing that it didn't make much difference makes it somewhat comical...or pathetic. Either way, it's pretty F'd up.
This whole idea of infertility is about sex, I mean how are babies made (well, for most people)?? Even the Catholics don't believe that IVF or IUI is acceptable in conceiving a child (that's a whole other post). My sex life is now non-existent, right? It certainly has felt that way. When we had sex after finding out it most likely wouldn't end in a pregnancy, I found it upsetting. Sex now was supposed to be for reproduction, and it can't happen? Then there is the going through IVF, protected sex, in case that .0001% chance worked and I got pregnant, the crazy drugs would be very bad for the baby and that would probably mess me up even more. Then once the stims start through the pregnancy test, no sex at all. And you know what? It wasn't really missed, well, by me anyway. That is not good, but the focus gets so messed up...
Now we are waiting for IVF #2, and I am on a crazy hormone that puts me through menopause, possibly. So far, not so much and actually, I'm feeling pretty good. In fact, the whole reason I began thinking about all of this was because the d-man and I actually had sex for the sake of having sex. No baby-making, no feeling like we should, just plain old crazy do it like teenagers. Craziest place I ever did it? Off the 301 on the Maryland/Delaware border, front seat. Not risque, but hell, it was fun.

The odd Doctor God

So, I hadn't ever heard of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) before last October, but when my obgyn said she couldn't do anything to get me pregnant, I was told to call right away. Since then, I've learned that RE's are odd. They all seem to have different ideas of how to treat you, and yet they are all right. I've learned this from talking to others going through this since I have only seen my RE.
I call him Dr. God because I feel like that is what he really thinks he is. I mean, seriously, who gets into the business of making babies who doesn't have a god complex? Sure, there appears to be a lot of money in it, but there is no question in my mind that Dr. God isn't just in it for the money...
So, why is he odd? Well, in meeting number one, he talked about his new treadmill, how people in San Francisco and Canada are better because they "just liiive," and a bit about our problems. In our second meeting, prior to IVF #1, I asked a few too many questions and he got super defensive. He LOVES analogies and said that this experience should be like riding in a car in a new place, if I kept telling the driver how to drive and where to turn, I'd miss the beautiful countryside. Then he told me not to ask the nurses too many questions because they would take it out on me. Ummm, so yeah, I challenged him a bit.
Oddly, I somehow still feel confident with him. He says bizarre things, he talked about how IVF is like making soup, and we have to find the right ingredients (analogies), but I think he really means it. He also does all the procedures himself, and is very good with the bad news. SO, odd? you bet, good? stay tuned...