baby watching...

Here is what I consider to be a "just so you know" for all of you out there who know someone who is struggling with infertility. Because, it makes absolutely no sense. Here's the thing, I was at the Hallmark store buying a card for my dad for father's day. I was looking at the 'from both of us' cards which were next to the 'new dad' and 'dad to be' cards. So, I started to get upset. Now, this is not new, but it does still feel odd to me. It's the same feeling I get when I see a baby, a pregnant woman, a dad playing with his child....is it jealousy? No, not exactly. It is sad, it is realizing the unfairness of the situation and it's part fear that I won't ever get there.
There are many things that bring these pretty intense feelings up. Other than what I mentioned, there are my co-workers who talk about their grandchildren's first steps, the pictures of sonograms as a facebook picture (along with ALL the facebook postings about how awesome parenthood is). Some entertainment has gotten the ax (the office, the movie Up which I refuse to see until I actually have a baby) but things like father's day cards come out of nowhere!
I am pretty confident that I look like I am overreacting or reaching here to the fertiles out there. When I read in all the books that this is the reaction, I didn't believe it. How could I get upset about seeing a toddler with his parents walking down the street. Well, now I know...I really know.
I think it isn't as bad for me as for some others I know. At least I feel like I can talk to my friends and family with kids. Some people can't be around it and avoid their friends.
It's hard partly because it's so odd. People usually don't get it and when I think about people with kids and how its not me, I cry. I cry a lot, and I NEVER used to. THAT is upsetting.
I've learned that I will never put a sonogram on facebook, or in an email if I don't know the history of who is getting it. I will never ask someone if they hate kids because they leave the room when a baby comes in (this happened to me at work). I just won't judge.
For the record, I hate that this upsets me. I hate that I am afraid to hang out with my friends and their families. I hate that I have and had to leave everyone for a few minutes because I didn't want to cry in front of them. I hate being sad. It is exhausting...
So, be understanding if someone you know is in my situation. Invite her to your baby shower but don't expect her to come, and don't be upset by that. Don't talk about your baby all of the time. Try to tell her you are pregnant over an email, so she can be upset but then happy for you (because she totally IS). Understand that what she is going through is difficult, and it isn't forever. She is not being overly dramatic, but her life is all drama right now...