"So, I hear you're pregnant." These are the exact words I heard two weeks ago when I was meeting some old college friends on the old campus with the families. Now, this wasn't a good friend and she was referring to the fact that the last time I saw her, I wasn't even pregnant with baby A. D-man looked like a deer in headlights. He really didn't think her comment was funny at all.

So, we were at a loss for words for a bit because we had not told anyone but a couple friends and my little brother (we were in vacation visiting him and I wasn't drinking...it was easier that way). The thing is, that hasn't changed. I don't know, I guess I am hiding it, I mean I know I am hiding it, but I don't know why. I am so afraid of something bad happening and having to deal with people KNOWING that, that I would rather wait. It's completely the same feeling as last time. I may be more scared this time, because I was drunk a few times and had raw tuna and advil. At the same time, I have no desire to rent a doplar. But, I know I am still pregnant because I feel awful. I am sick every day. This is new. Typically, I am feeling seriously nauseous after dinner through the evening. Although this morning I felt kinda sick, too, which made the gym difficult. I read today that higher levels of nausea could mean a girl....d-man will be upset. He keeps referring to to it as "little man."

Well, we will let the cat out of the bag at Easter...I'll be 11 weeks. I am a week less that I had originally thought. That's good because one of the times I know I had too many beers was BEFORE then....and oddly d-man is certain he knows when it happened. He's right, mathematically speaking. Pushing the due date later is better for work, so I hope that sticks.

Anyway...I am really trying to push through this being sick thing. It is not fun. I get to travel for work next week and have another(!) event at night on Wednesday, so I hope I make it!

what I am thinking??

So, how do I feel now….? Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to be pregnant again so soon. Selfishly, I wanted this summer to get in shape, get on my bike (with my new helmet), play on the softball team at the Y, have some Margarita’s and hang with my husband and daughter. So, honestly, I’m not looking forward to being uncomfortable, unable to do much, dry, and even fatter. But, I don’t want to say that, because if something happens, then it is my fault, right?
This is what I wanted….in a year and a half, but I can’t control that.

So there are a lot of other things going through my head right now. Are we ready for another newborn? Damn, that was hard. I mean, the sleep thing and the feeding thing and the worrying thing. Also, can we afford it? Well, yes, but now we need to buy a new car as well as the house. These are things we needed anyway, but there are in our face now. The car has to happen soon, and the house I think of longingly…..Also, I don’t want people to now buy into that “you just relaxed…” or “you weren’t thinking about it” bullshit. It’s all the rage and it really irks me. I wasn’t completely NOT thinking about it and having Baby A gave me an actual menstrual cycle, so it’s not like this is too farfetched. Of course even my OB said I am like that happy infertility story that people love to hear. Perhaps, but I don’t want to be the false hope chick, either.

But I am of course, still thinking the worst. Just like last time but without the bi-weekly ultrasounds. I do have one tomorrow to verify that I am actually pregnant and check the age. I know it is early. I keep telling myself that. I also keep reading awful stories of women who had ultrasounds and found out that their babies had those crazy diseases or were going to die in the womb and had to go through hell to get an abortion(thanks Tea Party bastards) . Ugh. So, that’s on my mind. That’s why I don’t want to tell like anyone right now.

It is so weird, that I have to accept the thing that I was so longing for a year and a half ago.

for real now

Okay, so I called the doctor's office. Yes, it was positive but after five tests on my own, I kinda figured as much. Now I wait to go to my first appointment next week. At that point I'll be eight and a half weeks. Hopefully I can get it together here. I keep eating crap i.e., sugar, I haven't been to the gym in three days (yes that is actually a long time for me) and I still can't seem to believe this. I tried to order a steamer at Starbucks and ended up with some frozen vanilla concoction. More sugar and I didn't mean this one. I don't consider this behavior crazy; I haven't succumbed to many shamrock shakes or anything but I need to get healthy. I have no problem staying away from booze and I "gave it up for lent." Of course, if I get into any conversations about the pope's stance on IVF no one will buy that.

Anyway, I am rambling. I feel like I am in limbo. I need a doctor to say to my face that I am pregnant. I need to feel it. I haven't felt nauseous since Saturday, so that freaks me out too. At least last time I was bloated as all hell. Now I don't feel any different. I'm really scared that this won't last or I did something to mess it up. It really is a gift and if I did something when I didn't know, I blew it.

I'll just wait and see, and see the response of my doc on Thursday. Starting now......less sugar.

WTF?!?!

I am writing this on February 28th but I have no idea when I will actually post it. So, I don’t know how to feel or if this is real or what? I was freaking this morning and I’m not sure if I should be happy or what? Why? Positive pee test. Seriously.

Okay, aside from the fact that (and d-man will hate me for saying this) we don’t have sex all that often, I swear we didn’t during the “window of opportunity” and I feel totally normal as far as symptoms go, we were TOLD we CAN’T. D-man has a LOW SPERM COUNT. Like low. True, my cycle completely normalized after having the baby, but we did IVF because of what they called male factor, aka, low sperm count.

My period was late. I know this because it has been like clockwork and because I have an app on my phone that tells me this. I thought, I should test, just to check, you never know….we aren’t using any birth control or anything, why would we? But I’d forget. I’m so used to not getting a period that I just thought it was my body back to its old self. Went out a few times, went to a beer fest (ugh), took some Advil for a neck pain issue, consumed a LOT of coffee….but last night I took an old, expired test. When it was positive, I took another old expired test. I waited until the morning to take the not expired test. Positive. I wasn’t sure if I was upset or just not believing or what. I went to the gym and told d-man when I got home.

He didn’t believe it. I bought four more tests to see what happens. BUT, he’s giddy now. I think he feels vindicated. I mean, yes, this is WAY too early. Baby A is only nine months old and the plan was to try again like a year from now, or a little more. This was IF I could convince d-man, since it was a huge expense. Now, although the timing is off, it will be harder with work, daycare just doubled and all the newborn stuff is summer, if this is for real, this is quite a gift.

March 3rd. I had a blood test on Wednesday but they haven't called. I forgot to call them in time on Friday so I wait. I've felt kinda sick but off and on. I don't feel this is real and I really feel like it cannot last. I need the call from the doc.

What the hell? Was Dr. God lying to make 15k? I'm so waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must be pregnant because I felt the same way last to time. Well, I guess I'm back to blogging...