Infertile forever

This week has been kind of emotional. I'm sure my period (yes, I get that now) may have something to do with it since I truly feel what my hormones actually do to me after all of this. But I can't blame that anymore. It's been a tough week because I realized that even though everything has changed, a lot has not.

I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.

So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).

Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.

I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.