a little anxious or friggin terrified? (and I really want Tom Cruise's ultrasound)

Okay, so today is the d-man's birthday. Mine was actually on Tuesday. It makes for a week of celebration. Since we are out of money, however, it consisted of small gifts and cheap dinners. Works for me. WELL...today was also the next ultrasound.

Last time I went in, Dr. God was afraid that there was either a third embryo (or whatever they are called at this point) or an ectopic in my ovary. He said he wasn't worried, but wanted to be sure. So, today I am 6 weeks 3 days. I went in for the ultrasound and the first thing he asks me is why am I always alone, meaning where is the d-man. I guess I never thought about that before...but not a big deal. He'll come next time.

Sooooo, here's what we sort of saw today, or what he told me/showed me. Dr. God confuses the hell out of me sometimes, but I think I have reason to be scared. He showed me one of the gestational sacs, but he said he couldn't see a heart beating....he said it could have been because it was close to the edge and turned an odd way, but I don't know. Then he showed the other heartbeat and did something to bring audio. It was pretty awesome. It was around 120 beats per minute, which I know is good. BUT, he said that he is concerned that there may be two yolk sacs in there and THAT would be very complicated. Then he talks about how if the one isn't growing, that we would just be down to one and that he thinks everything is okay. Okay, THEN he brings up how women with PCOS have a 50% chance of miscarriage. I wonder if that ever goes down? I think he said that to prepare me for the inevitable, but you know what?? It may be okay.

I'm worried about the friggin conjoined twin (okay, maybe that's a bit much). I've read about vanishing twin syndrome or worse, two in one amniotic sac, which has a 50% mortality rate. great. I was really nervous and upset this morning, but I'm thinking I feel like I am just going to wait and see. Dr. God couldn't really see things, he was guessing....I can't do anything about it, so we'll just wait and see. It's still so friggin EARLY!

This whole process is so crazy....I wish I could have an ultrasound everyday just to see it. THAT is why we aren't really sharing it with anyone. No one can understand why I am not yet happy..I'm scared. Gonna keep pluggin away.....