So, I have been probably doing a disservice to some extent with my blog here. In an effort to be toned down and readable, I’ve focused on things that have happened, but not on how I felt about them. I was faced with this today, to figure out where my emotions were for the past few months and though I know how I have felt and what I have done, my knowing doesn’t explain my actions.
No, I haven’t done anything that crazy I don’t think. I’ve avoided people, told “white” lies, ignored things and events and haven’t been a friend for a while. I was hit with this by more than one person in the past few days and now that I am approaching myself again, I feel like I can go back to calling people on the phone, or listening to work issues over dinner. I did write that this experience may have changed my friendships because of me, and I think it has. I do think that I have the power to bring them back.
But that’s not the point of this post. I think it’s more of an account of what I’ve been going through. I wanted this blog to help people understand infertility and to be a place where I could vent. I think both are important.
From the beginning of this blog, I’ve been out of sorts emotionally. I was completely devastated by the news that the first IVF failed. I’d never cried like that in my life, and it was kind of overwhelming at first. BUT, I did realize the possibility of that and that we were ready to go again. I didn’t want to really share my disappointment because, well, I don’t do that. I hide my emotions from others (except d-man, he gets the brunt). That’s why I went right to therapy in January. I couldn’t let others know this was hard—so I had to tell perfect strangers. Now some of them aren’t strangers, and they are the most supportive.
If you read about everything that happened this summer, before we did the second round, you may be able to tell that it had quite an effect on me. I felt very alone when my friends didn’t really respond to an email I sent explaining what I was going through. Even before that, when I got reactions about infertility that weren’t supportive or they didn’t get it, I made the effort to avoid that person. I GET that some people can’t understand, or really just think it’s not that big of a deal. That actually prompted this blog idea. This also may be the first time that I have shared anything really traumatic in my life. I mean my good friends didn’t know my parents were divorced for years! I’ve always just moved on with my life. This summer, though, hit me kind of hard, I guess, and I went in to the cycle thinking it was me and d-man vs. the world. No one else.
The cycle part is the easy part. It’s like any medical treatment. I did the shots, which I had some problems with, but once I got the hang of it, I was fine. We got to the transfer and even the desperate waiting to see if any eggs fertilized wasn’t that bad. The two week wait was okay, because once I got the OHSS, I knew I was pregnant. At that point, I was dealing with looking six months pregnant and feeling seriously horrible. I wasn’t in group, couldn’t go out, had to work a lot and wasn’t enjoying much of anything. But it worked. I hated that people knew that already. That’s when the fear set in.
It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I mean, I’ve had my breakdowns about being infertile-usually alone, in the car, but that was shear self-pity. No question. Now I was scared about losing this pregnancy to an insane degree. One of my friends had said to me over the summer that she had a miscarriage so now she knew how I felt. Well, first of all, I haven’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know what that feels like, and she got pregnant two months after that. That isn’t possible for me. She was trying to relate and that made it harder. If I have a miscarriage, it throws us back to the beginning. All the infertility stuff comes rushing back. Not to mention, we can’t really afford to do it again right away. We spent 15 thousand dollars trying this. And unfortunately, a lot if it is about the money. Plus it was painful, time consuming, nerve-wracking, etc. Being pregnant is all those things, too, but that’s expected and normal. This is the most abnormal thing I have ever done.
The past eight weeks have been nothing like I have ever felt. I remember when the d-man was away and not answering his phone (because he was at dinner with friends and I knew that). I was a wreck, balling, for about two hours. I couldn’t fall asleep, and it was late. I couldn’t talk to d-man and I was alone. My reasoning for this breakdown? I hadn’t had morning sickness for two days. That’s when I took a mental health day from work and went in for an ultrasound. Also when Dr. God said I can’t handle this. I remember a few weeks ago trying to look up things on the babies r us website and I got so freaked out I started crying and shut down the computer. I don’t have an OB yet, have not bought one pregnancy book, and have no hint of anything baby in the apartment. It’s denial, yeah, but almost protection.
So, now that I feel a bit more confident about everything, I don’t know what to think. I’m kind of scared to even feel that way, I don’t want to jinx anything. The whole thing has fucked me up pretty bad, but I’ve always known it would be temporary. As the quote on my computer says, “It will work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end.”
No comments:
Post a Comment