stress vent

Soooo, the baby is now 7 and a half months old. I can say that I have been so busy with everything that I haven't had a second to post anything and I wouldn't be totally lying. I am able to do so now because I am out of town for work. I've got two major things to write about, I guess you could say. The first is the baby, and all that goes with trying to figure out what the hell I/we are doing with her (she was recently seriously congested and had a bad cough--I of course assumed it was whooping cough, although cold was another option). The second is my state of mind in general, which has been suspect lately, although getting better, and dealing with constantly thinking about well, everything like IVF and infertility and things out of my control.

The baby seems to be doing well, meeting the milestones and what-not. She gets sick, then gets us sick, then gets better, then we get better, and the cycle continues. Apparently, that's the beauty of daycare, but in two years, she'll have the immunity of gold. great. I should just have $15 debited from my account to the pediatrician every month for the co-pay. I hope we are feeding her the right way. Of course I don't want advice on that from my MIL and I don't want to ask any of my friends because then I look like I don't know what I am doing, and I can't have that, right? So, we read articles and books and do what we think is right and then read something totally different and worry that what we read before was wrong. But the next day comes and the baby grows....It is THE most stressful thing about her so far. And dear God I don't have time to read a whole friggin book about it. By the time I get home from work and clean up and do whatever else needs to get done, I'm too tired. That is a goal for the new year...read more about what we should be doing with the baby, well, and you know, eat better.

As for the other thing, I don't know if I have been depressed or what but I did look into therapy or a counselor or something. I am not totally thinking that route now, though, because for whatever reason, I feel significantly better. Since I have been back at work, I've had a lot more stress there than ever for various reasons. That and taking care of the baby have me highly stressed. I've been blaming d-man for things, whether it is legit or not. I was having these thoughts that he felt like he was losing his life, and it wasn't good enough anymore because he wasn't traveling the world with his buddy. I don't know....I don't want to stop him from doing things that make him happy (although a potential week away on a boat without me was a bit much...not happening, by the way), but I guess since I am sort of happy just coming home and hanging out with him and the baby, that he should be too. So, we did talk about it, and he IS very happy.

I think part of the stress is money (isn't it always?). We don't have enough, we'll never have enough and there's a lot to think about. We want to buy a house and live in a neighborhood with families and yards...we rent right now. Where we are, the houses we like are about $400,000. The easy math on a down payment is $80,000. No, we don't have that lying around. We are both so friggin far behind our friends that it's depressing. We want another baby, too. To TRY for that is minimally $7,000-10,000 and that's with a cheap RE. I'm not going to get into the fairness of that, but I think about it, a lot. I had to go into the house/baby fund because I haven't been really good with budgeting all things baby (daycare, food, etc) and um, Christmas. So, new year, more tightening of the belt. The sick thing about this? We are in the top 10% in this country (not 1%....so we ARE in the 99%). The problem is we weren't when the housing market was booming.

Anyway, the having another baby (and ONE..which is another blog post) has me worried a lot. Can we, will we, how can we afford it? I get so angry that we have to go through all of this again. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant after IVF. In all honesty, my cycle is pretty normal now, but I am pretty sure my having a baby did nothing to d-man's sperm count. Plus I know some of my hormones are still out of whack. I mean, not everything changed. So, I have been focusing on it lately, and getting myself all upset. Why?? I have definitely realized that having a baby doesn't totally change the fact that we deal with this crap.

BUT, I digress.....I don't mean to have a long-ish vent, since I am supposed to be focused with this blog, though I guess it's changed. It's just that so many things affect life in general, and the IF thing keeps making it difficult. I am learning, to focus on good things, and plan, and live life. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of it. And I will try to write more...as along as it is relevant.

Don't worry...I actually feel pretty good right now.

wow....back at work

So, I've been back at work for like three weeks already. Honestly, work-wise, it's like I never left. Some people say "congrats, let me see a picture" while others don't really give a shit. It's interesting. I think being gone in the summer and working in higher ed has something to do with it.

So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?

Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.

So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.

how do teenagers do this?

I am watching the baby basically run the show everyday---as far as setting a schedule anyway. She goes where we do at this point, but we always need to be prepared. I am reading online and wherever about starting a routine for bedtime, but I don't know how to do that. Among other things, here are the things I am so completely unsure about and wonder how the 17-year-olds seem to be able to raise the unwanted pregnancies...

-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)

-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?

-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....

-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.

-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.

-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?

-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.

So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.

not happy baby....

Baby is groggy, sleepy, and NOT happy. I think she actually called me a bitch earlier today, but I can't confirm.

I am thinking it is because of the shots yesterday at the doctor's office. Everything is good...she's three pounds heavier than when she was born. Still some cord that hasn't come off yet, but that's not a big deal. So she got two shots, but like seven vaccines. Not sure how they get it all in there but whatever. In any case, the whole office got to see how pissed off she was. This was a new cry. I have to admit I was totally impressed with the speed of the nurse in injecting her and throwing her to me. Baby screamed like she was being stabbed....well...she was.

No fever, her legs are okay but man, she is so not herself. I keep picking her up when she starts fussing. She is sleeping it off, I suppose. I get it man, shots blow.

keeping on....

So, my nipples still hurt on occasion. I mean, nothing too crazy, but uncomfortable. It's been, oh about a week or so since I pumped at all. I don't need to, and there ain't much to pump anyway, but I'm noticing that I'm not back to normal yet. Maybe I won't get there, who knows?

I'm totally okay with moving on to the formula. I know I keep talking about it...well..on here anyway, but I'm happy we did what we did and I'd do it again. If and when we have another baby, I will. I may do more of a "let's make it to four weeks, now to six, now to eight, etc." I think saying I was going to breastfeed for six months made me feel like a failure, not someone trying to do something for my baby. So, lesson learned.

Short today....and I have to go and try to cut the baby's nails...she's asleep. It's frickin hard to get her when she's not squirming, but we go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't want to be a bad parent. We already forgot the blanket twice and had a naked kid in a cold room.

Damn, she's moving...dreaming, maybe? Here goes nothing.

Stir Crazy

So, a couple things here....first of all, even though I am actually really busy and occupied every day, both with the baby and the house (and things I have to do for work while I am using vacation days--figure THAT one out), I feel like I need out. Part of that is the continuous heat wave that pretty much keeps us in the house. That is not what I pictured. I was actually seeing us walking every day, going to the four coffee shops in town, blah blah blah. So far this summer's oppressive heat has really sucked.

SO, am I getting done what I want to? Um, no, not really. I am getting done what I have to and the house is relatively kept clean. For the first four weeks I was focusing on the breastfeeding thing and melting down and not really sleeping which just made me a complete mess. Now, I need to be productive but I'm still tired--even though she's really sleeping through the night. I'm going to bed too late, though.

Anyway, the two things that are on my mind are the fact that I AM getting a bit stir crazy and in need of adult contact, and that I feel a bit like this is temporary and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one I REALLY need to get over.

So, for example, I am almost needing d-man's approval when he comes home, making sure he notices what I've done (out of Good Housekeeping circa 1955). I feel like I need to have constant conversation and keep it happy because this is my time to have real conversation. It's just odd...yesterday HE was the one that said I seemed a bit stir crazy.

The other thing is more upsetting to me, I think. I constantly feel like I am going to drop the baby or fall down the stairs or something. I keep thinking that this whole parenting thing is temporary, that I am going back to normal soon. I don't know if this is a feeling of not deserving her or what, but it's a constant fear. When I am at the gym, I am constantly thinking that something is wrong. There is too much information about all things that can go wrong. Take that with my insecurities and it's pretty scary. So far she's doing great, so I know this is in my head.....but wow.

ugh...maybe just crazy.

things I have learned...top ten

So, I am thinking lately of the things that I have realized over the past year, well longer than that, but since this whole thing started. So, in no particular order:

1. people who shouldn't have multiple kids seem to have no problem doing so, while those who would make good parents have the issues.

2. either my pain tolerance really sucks, or there are a lot of women out there who totally kick ass...and I"m not one of them. no epidural, not an option

3. stretch marks appear AFTER you give birth...ahhhh, so I wasn't out of the woods

4. giving yourself a shot only hurts if you do it wrong

5. medicine is not a science, it's a crapshoot

6. all parents should have to go through what adoptive parents have to go through...AND "just adopting" is bullshit. First of all it's an upwards of 20k, you have to write an insane resume and history of your life (and partners), you have to be okay'd by the agency, a social worker, and the birth mom, and you still deal with ignorant people.

7. people judge for stupid reasons

8. its really hard to breastfeed, even when the books say you are an idiot if you can't do it.

9. I'm never going to lose the weight.

10. there is no limit to the number of baby shows on TLC that I am willing to watch during the day.

feeling summer is ending in July!

So, lots of goings on in the past few weeks, and yet nothing has happened. I mean, I am with the baby every day and all day and the time flies by. I have finally figured out ways to get to the gym and after my post-natal appointment , I have no restrictions so I am getting the bike ready and getting ON it. Of course my knee already hurts like a mother, but that's another blog.

So, anyway...still pumping but I am now down to once every 25-30 hours or so. I realize that I need to do it less and less in order for me to stop, or I'll keep getting the same 2 ounces out everyday. I'll admit, I don't feel guilty anymore. I think that baby A is totally thriving and starting to look chunk.

Now I only have a month left and the summer projects I needed to get done for work, still sit in my work bag. awesome. I also really have a tough time fitting in the cleaning that I need to do. I do get all the laundry done but the bathrooms are a mess and our bedroom is also a mess. Working on the hallways this afternoon. I wonder how all of this will get done when I go back to work. THAT should be interesting.

At least I won't be going out to buy things at Target or Babies R Us all the time....or online. It's not like I am not getting paid, but really. Thank god the baby IS here or I'd be broke.

protective instinct

So, here we are in the sixth week of the baby's life. It's been five weeks of groundhog day. feed her, change her, burp her, change her clothes because she peed all over herself, research the weird sound she made online, do baby laundry, do regular laundry, don't sleep.
And yet...I feel so happy to be around her-and way overprotective. I am overprotective of both her but also of me, of my parenting skills and non-skills.

My mom wrote in a card something like "make your own mistakes." Even when she was here and I would ask her things she would say she didn't remember...which was probably the case, but I think she also didn't want to piss me off by offering advice. I knew that MIL was going to do that, and she didn't disappoint, but she has toned it down a bit, thanks to my husband....

I was getting really angry when MIL would tell me how to feed her or what babies did...blah blah blah. She also assumed we were doing what she did with her babies that no one has done since the 80s. She can't seem to fathom that we don't bathe her everyday. It's okay, though, because we are letting her know that things have changed. I just hope she takes the stuff out of the crib when the baby starts to move a bit more....

Now, I am also protective of the baby and other than my mom and MIL (and d-man obviously), I am nervous about leaving her with anyone. My sister in law is babysitting two weeks from now and I am trying to make sure she stays in one room and doesn't move her too much. She doesn't seem to get that the baby can't control her neck yet...no matter how many times I let her know. I have to let it go...but I still plan to let her know!

So, hopefully I can let my protectiveness stay inside a bit, so I can let the baby go through life. She's practically grown now at six weeks anyway.

week 2-3....daddy back to work...mommy melting down

Okay, so this posting has to be about my experience with breastfeeding because that is really the only issue right now. When the baby cries, it's one of three things...diaper, burp, or feed. I think we have that down. It's just, it's the feeding thing that has made me a crazy mess for the past two weeks.

First of all, she lost weight from the freak out visit to the doc to her next visit four days later--four ounces, which to us seemed exponential. We were assured at the doc to keep trying to breastfeed, that we were doing okay, not to give up, blah blah blah. SO, we went home that night and she cried...and cried and cried bloody murder. Which made me cry and cry, and d-man was on the verge. So, we gave her formula because I tried to feed her for like two hours and there was nothing in there to give! She slept, she was good. She was fed. I called the lactation consultant the following day.

I knew that breastfeeding was going to be a challenge for me. We had talked about it. BUT, my challenge was going to be feeding her as often as I had to, pumping at work and storing milk. I hadn't even imagined that there could be something else, like not having enough. The books say that it is common to think that you don't have enough milk. In fact, the nurse at the pediatrician, friends, sisters of friends, my MIL, everyone said that my milk would come in and I'd feel it. I have yet to feel anything but a couple of hard spots, I guess you could say. I have also read that PCOS who have babies have like a 33% chance of having a low milk supply. That's a lot, I think. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't relate to me. I read too much about normal people...ever since the pregnancy became normal, I forgot that I wasn't. Well, it's come back with a vengeance now. Of course, I don't REALLY know if that is what is causing this, but it's a pretty good guess.

So, anyway...we met with the lactation consultant (LC) the day before she turned two weeks. She looked at the baby, at her latch, at how I was feeding her, etc. She dismissed the doctors, of course, and gave us a plan. I was to supplement (already was, of course), but with breastmilk if I had it, formula, if I didn't. I was then supposed to nurse her and then pump to get the milk supply to come in or up. SO, every 2-3 hours I gave her some breastmilk, nursed as long as she would, give her more supplement, then pump with a hospital grade pump. We rented the pump ($150), paid the LC ($130), bought organic formula and went for it. By we, I mean really me....

At first, I bawled my eyes out while pumping. I kept thinking how worried I was about other people (re:MIL) not watching out for her by putting her in the sun too much or if other people were manhandling her....but then I sat there thinking how I was the one hurting her. It was rough, and I am sure my raging hormones didn't help anything. Poor d-man didn't know what to do. Then, as the week progressed...and my mom came out to help...it was more disappointment than anything else. I was getting an ounce or a bit more each time-from both breasts with a super pump. It was 8-10 ounces, which WAS a third of her food at least, but the pumping with this thing hurts and doing it so much is really grading on me.

I talked to the LC throughout the week and she came by a week later to see how things were. Well, the baby DID gain 10 ounces and was almost to her birthweight at her two week appointment. We were super excited about that. So, now the baby was fine. I wasn't, but she was so that made us able to exhale a bit. At the meeting with the LC, she agreed that I probably wasn't going to make much more. I could try drugs. I was already taking herbs, but the drugs scare me a bit. D-man was on these same drugs for what they are FDA approved for (gastro issues) and I was debating using them for what the side-effect is (milk production). Would that have worked? I don't know. For some it does, for some it doesn't. No way to tell about the future effects on the baby....and I really don't want to take that chance. That being the case, we've decided to stop.

It was hard, but at the same time, not really. I feel confident about our decision, even though I know d-man really wanted her to be nursed for six months. I wanted to do what was best for her, but I really think that I am now. I mean if I am struggling, she'll know that. She is getting six weeks (after a long weaning) of breastmilk at some level. I'm still upset about it, but in the grand scheme of things, it's okay. I was formula-fed and I think I turned out pretty well. We are getting the good organic formula and she seems to be fine taking it.

Part of this is the overwhelming pressure I feel from everyone...books, relatives, friends..to nurse. I worry that people will think I am not doing enough because, yes, there is more I could try. The LC is supportive because she knows what it is like to pump all the time. I was never really excited to be pumping the little I thought I was going to so this is tough. I need to get over it. I know people are trying to be helpful by offering advice of my next step, but moving on to formula feeding IS our next step. I've also read that a happy mommy=a happy baby and I believe that as well. I will always feel like I failed, like my body again didn't do what it was supposed to, but again, we have a healthy baby, and that's all that matters.

first week home score: baby-1 mommy and daddy-0

I am completely exhausted right now. When the books say don't clean and leave the laundry...really, they mean it. I mean the bathtub looks amazing, but probably not worth it. Today is the two week mark, not of her birth, but of my going into labor. I should have realized that the labor was the easy part. I mean, I knew that the first week...well, almost two...were going to be hard, but this is ridiculous.

I'm wondering what it is like for those who do not attempt to breastfeed. I think that getting up to feed, even though if the baby is anything like my daughter, she'll fight getting up, isn't as hard when you can switch off who does it, and the food is dependent on mixing it, not making it. I knew that nursing was going to suck (no pun intended) but I didn't realize how much and why during this first couple of weeks. First of all, the books say it's easy. Everything says it's the best, which is why I am doing it...not for me or any crazy "I love to see the baby suckling" thing...it's all for her. I should just "get it" and so should she. Doctors say otherwise, that we are both learning. I think that is obvious. The other issue is the actual milk. It ain't exactly flowing...and everyone says that it WILL, but it is making things hard...it's there, but not in crazy amounts.

So, the first week was initiated with a visit from a home nurse to take blood from the baby and check her out because she was a bit jaundiced, nothing too crazy, though. That was fine, though I really didn't like seeing her get blood taken from her foot. That was the first of my protective instincts, I guess. I mean, I could slice my finger off and be better with that than see her in pain. That is unreal. I don't want to be overprotective or anything so I need to work on that. Anyway, the week was also filled with visits to the inlaws, where I had the same feelings. MIL wanted to dote on her (fine) and take her for walks down the bug-infested and sun/heat filled driveway. My pleas of "keep her out of the sun" were dismissed and I just wanted to take the baby away from all of this craziness. Something else to get used to....

Still throughout, I was nursing...attempting...I started to get real milk in, but not to the extent that she was jumping at sucking on me. She still isn't at that point. Neither am I. By the end of the weekend, she was not waking to eat, seemed lethargic and we actually called the doc. Things were okay...and that was our first freak out call to the doctor during off-hours.

And THAT was the first week.....

birth story......long

Okay...so after being overdue, I HAD to actually have the baby, right? Before I whine about my struggles dealing with having a five-day old baby, I will have to offer up the birth story.

Well...we had scheduled an induction for the Tuesday after memorial day. We were going to go in on Monday night to get some kind of drug that would take 8 hours to ripen my cervix (ever the problem..). So, we were going to spend the weekend doing memorial day things...hanging out my my inlaws' pool, going to the parade, etc.

Saturday morning we got up and went for a walk...about a three mile one, which for me at this point was a lot. Right afterwards, we went to brunch and then home to change and off to the pool. I was actually hoping to jump in since it was really friggin hot out, but the water was still pretty cold, so I only got the feet and legs in. I DID bust out my bikini, but with a tank top. I was HOT, let me tell you. So, anyway, about the time we started snacking by the pool, I started to get cramps. Since this was nothing new, I just ignored it, always thinking in the back of my mind, that it either meant something, or had to be helping. They got worse and more frequent throughout the afternoon and after dinner. So, we left after dessert, though the d-man had to help out with some computer issue (par for the course when we go over there). I was fine with the cramps, and was thinking that "what if they are real contractions and I have a high tolerance for pain and am late going to the hospital?" hahaha, no.

Things got a hell of a lot more interesting at home. For whatever reason, the cramps, and I will call them contractions now, started to really hurt. So, we went into stop the labor pain mode, as exemplified in the books and classes. I took a shower, d-man massaged my back, I got on the ball. Honestly, it still hurt. I was sworn to NOT call the doc until they were exactly five minutes apart. According to him, it was amazing that they actually were so accurately FIVE minutes apart. So, we started to time them on the iphone (you'd think there was app for that, but we just used the stopwatch). They were 12 minutes, then six, then two, then 17....you get the idea. I did NOT want to call if it wasn't where it was supposed to be but I had also read that the pre-labor contractions that weren't active labor, were not that bad. I know I read that you could do chores, or go to the movies, or whatever...um, no, not feeling like I wanted to do that, and the d-man saw that and called the doc anyway. They said, come on in.

So, we got everything...bag, carseat, money, and left around 3:20am for the hospital. We had to check in at the ER since it was the middle of the night, but got wheeled right up there pretty quickly. Contractions were still moving right along...but with no real consistency. I was always told, "you'll know" when it's the real deal, but now is where I was questioning things as well as my self-perceived pain tolerance. The nurse and the OB on call came in. The nurse was not memorable and we had communication issues with the doc. Not just because her accent was incredibly hard to understand but she was one of those people who didn't really listen to you, but rather waited until you were done so she could tell you the "right" information. Anyway, I went for a walk in the hall for a very short time period but had to go back to the room. Doc checked me and I was just about 100% effaced but only one centimeter dilated. At this point, we were told I was in early labor (not real) because I was probably dehydrated (spent the day at the pool) and since we were going to induce anyway, we would just be admitted and start the induction process in the morning. This, of course, means eight hours of getting the cervix ready BEFORE doing the pitocin, which I was NOT happy about....it was now about 4am and we were told to hang tight, take in fluid via IV and she'll come back around 6 to check again, but not to expect much.

So, I once played a softball game, well, half an inning of defense (catching!) with a broken arm. Not a total clean break, obviously, but still. Non-throwing arm, so it was fine... that and my numerous injuries led me to believe that I could handle this. BUT, I was just told I was in the "hey, you can still go to the mall" phase and things weren't going so well in the room. I would pace around, lay in the bed, go to the bathroom...didn't matter. This was easily the most pain I had ever felt and a LOT of it was in my back. I was later told this is back labor...if you can avoid it, DO SO. I was sort of able to go in and out of sleep but when a contraction came I was pretty much at a loss. It was at this point that I was contemplating the drugs...and NOT just the epidural, but the drugs I swore I wouldn't get. My thinking was eight hours of this was NOT going to fly.....

So at 7:15am (yep a FULL hour after they said) doc came in with the new nurse (7am change) and was ready to check me again. Just as she was ready to come in I swear I had like three intense contractions back to back to back. Not sure if this is possible but then it lasted forever. Finally she checked. 4-5 centimeters. BITCH!!! I couldn't believe it! I wasn't going to be waiting; I could get an epidural. (funny how the plan was...if I needed it...yeah...) So at 7:30 they did a shift change with the docs and my new nurse (who said we will re-meet each other after the epidural) was with me. Before the new on call doc came in, who was actually one of my regular OB's, the new anesthesiologist came in (the last one even came with a bad rep from my FIL) and we were good to go. I had one contraction during the process but then immediately felt a warmth like I was in a bath. I said this and apparently that wasn't what I was supposed to feel. So, I got back into bed with the monitors on and felt my legs go completely numb.

Okay, this wasn't how the epidural was supposed to go. He explained it to us how it went too far and he didn't see fluid so he injected (I had no idea what the hell he was talking about just that I couldn't feel my legs). So...my blood pressure started to drop. They gave me epinephrin and the baby's heart rate started to go up. awesome. They put an oxygen mask on me and I was basically monitored for the next two hours and they told us to get some sleep. Before that my doc (yeah) came in and I was at six centimeters. She broke my water, which I didn't feel and I guess there was a lot (yeah, baby not 10 pounds!) She left us to rest. I couldn't really, but I guess I relaxed. D-man and his dad (who was there "overseeing") went to get food. Then he came back and HE got some sleep.

The idea was that as I progressed, the numbness would subside. I had a pins and needles feeling in my hands and arms. It went up that high. Over the course of our resting period, feeling came back there and I started to get feeling moving down, so this was good. When the doc came back a couple of hours later, she checked and I was at nine. Talk about moving right along. We were getting ready at this point. Of course now the block was sort of wearing off and I could actually move (yes I couldn't even do this) my feet. Now d-man and I were just waiting it out. The exciting thing was that since the bolus (for the epidural to go in) was just hanging there, I was feeling the contractions...not all the way but still. The anesthesiologist came in and asked how I was (timing is great) and he put that in, eventually twice, so the feeling that I got back? gone. I could again not move my lower extremities. I was assured I could still push the kid out. And that was coming next.

Over the course of this, d-man got a text that his mom and sister were coming to sit in the waiting room. We didn't want them to, but they do what they want, so whatever. d-man made sure they knew that they were not to come to the labor room (they weren't allowed but with d-man's dad as a doc there, special privileges were abundant). My FIL said they would respect our wishes. He contradicted himself about an hour later when he asked to come in to watch but I nicely said no way to that. Thankfully my doc was very good about asking me first.

Push time was interesting. Since I was on an epidural, the contractions weren't that fast, so there was a lot of waiting around. Hanging with us was Karen the nurse (not the original one..she had an emergency c-section, but Karen was cool, too), Keli the resident, Jen the intern, my doc and d-man. The doc and Jen kept going in and out to check on the other rooms but everyone else stayed put. We basically shot the shit between contractions/pushes. It was weird. D-man, who's birth plan included looking me in the eye and counting from one to ten, ended up holding one of my legs and witnessing the whole gory thing. I think it traumatized him a little. I heard "is that normal?" at least once. It was difficult and odd with no real feeling, to push, not that I have anything to compare it to. Once it was clear she was actually coming, they put on battle gear--more scrubs, glasses...d-man was like, what the hell?? Anyway, she kind of came out on her own. It was the oddest feeling, like being emptied, similar when the placenta came out but obviously not as big. She seemed big to me, the baby, when they put her on my chest, but she was perfect. D-man cut the cord, thankfully. We were worried he wouldn't be able to because there was a small amount of miconium that could have been in her mouth, but she cried right out, so it was all good. They checked her out as d-man grabbed the camera and went to town. I was getting attended to, stitched up (yeah!) and then they put her back on my chest for some more pics and some feeding. At some point, D-man's mom and dad and sister came in to see her. Whatever they were there at that point, and I knew they wouldn't have to follow the regular rules. Who wouldn't want to see the perfect little girl?

My first nurse came in a bit later, they were a tag team, and basically cleaned me and the table up. I am sure its cool to see babies being born, but the other part of that is pretty disgusting. But then, being a nurse has the whole bedpan, catheter thing that goes along with it.

I got the epidural out, and moved to my room for the first time. They took the baby to the nursery for her first of MANY check-ups. They washed her too....she kinda needed that. Over the next two days we were hanging in the room with the baby (except when they stole her), nurses and whoever else came in unannounced many times for whatever, to check me, vitals, bring drugs, take blood. I had to make sure the d-man was dressed at all times. It's definitely NOT a hotel room! We DID have the sweet suite, though, with a room with the couchbed and chairs and TV that we didn't watch because you had to pay for it. We were NOT bored, so we didn't need it. D-man's family came with food at one point, which was good. The anesthesiologist came by to see how I was and my regular OB--the one I see most often--came by, once finding out that we weren't induced. We did one more class which was mostly about breastfeeding, something that was turning out to be quite a challenge by the end of the stay, and we were sent home with a slightly jaundiced baby. (she's fine now...and I'm healing up myself!)

41 weeks....and counting

Soooo, we went to the doctor's yesterday. I had the non-stress test (heart rate of the baby) and an ultrasound, which I hadn't had it a while (yes, it IS a girl). Baby is fine and there is more fluid than average but not too much. This is GOOD, because I totally though I was going to have a 10 pound baby. Afterwards we (yes, d-man came with me) had a usual appointment. I am, wait for it...not dilated. Now, as I am learning, I am not totally doing nothing down there, cervix is soft and short and something else....but not open. Well, maybe a tiny bit. BUT, it doesn't matter, I have to have everything working to be favorable.

The last appointment with the doc he told me that he was amazed that I was always in a good mood. Weakness is for wimps. This time I immediately asked about induction, which I TOTALLY don't/didn't want. He is not one of those docs who pushes it, in fact, he's the opposite. He said because I was making progress and because I never complain that I am pretty serious, so we went with Tuesday. I had talked about that date with d-man because it gives us a little more time to hope it will happen (HA) but it isn't too long...so that's it. We are either going in on Monday night or Tuesday morning. Because Monday is memorial day, we have to get VIP treatment to do this (d-mans dad is a senior member of the hospital staff, but we really don't want to piss off any nurses...). We'll probably go in Monday, though.

Plan is this, from what I understand....topical drug to "ripen" the cervix which is supposed to work overnight, then the from what I understand, horrible drug pitocin to start contractions the next day and because of the pitocin....probably epidural!

I am kinda wondering if we go in Monday if that means we leave on Wednesday morning, which is kind of scary, but maybe not. I never asked about that but maybe the two-night stay thing is after the baby is born?? who knows?

Anyway, memorial day weekend is beginning...well, tomorrow, and we are planning to swim, garden, and continue to prep. MAYBE I'll go into labor. hahahaha

wait is way more than two weeks...

Soooooo, woke up again to nothing. Well, I DID get to go to the bathroom every hour or so and each time I got into bed I felt cramping--that went away in a minute. I've never wanted to feel pain more in my life. I made the mistake of eating probably too much for dinner. UGH. My stomach is NOT big enough right now. Granted it was Indian (spicy food, check) but I need to realize that I can't eat a serving-even if I am hungry. At that point there is no way to get comfortable. AND it was friggin HOT last night in the living room.

Is this bitching? I think so. I put on facebook how I was annoyed with waiting and got so many people saying how they went a week late, etc. I don't know if that's reassuring or a guarantee that this kid is NOT coming until at least Friday. I hope not later than that because we have a wedding three four weeks from Friday and she needs to be able to take a bottle. I don't know that three weeks is enough time for that. That's not the real reason I want her to get here, tough. I am uncomfortable and bored out of my skull.

Damn kid is already showing traits of my husbands family by being LATE!!!

TMI and TMP

Okay, first of all, I am now officially overdue. My doctor did say that the due date is a median--half of his patients go before that and half go after. Riiight. I get that, but why am I in the "after" group? I am extremely uncomfortable. We did have a crazy picnic today and I probably ate too much, but I can't imagine THAT would make me feel THIS huge. There is no room for this girl in here. Trying all the labor induction stuff, but it doesn't work. Sex may have helped, since later that night, I actually saw a little blood (yes, that's good), so maybe there is some dilation going on. One can hope.

Anyway, my time at home has been sort of productive. I did put the bouncy seat together, got the thank you cards done and mostly sent, cleaned up, finished the nursery, watched "I didn't know I was pregnant" like eight times, and began to read the books from the labor class. So, yeah, this freaked me out. I'm only through the beginning and the part about all of the tests that they do when the baby is born. There's like six that they HAVE to do, but most hospitals do more. These are like the diseases that can't be cured but if you know right away that your kid needs to avoid food or something, you can sort of have a life with the baby?? But you have to know in like two days...and THEN it says you don't get the results for 10 days? WTF?!! So, again, more information is NOT good for me.

TMP is too much pink. There is too much pink in my house, but mainly in her room! The other day I had lunch with the MIL and she brought by one of THE boxes. We've gotten, or I should say I've gotten, because sometimes I wonder if she realizes the d-man is a part of this, too, like five or six of these boxes. They are from some baby boutique. That is the kiss of death. It is WHERE one gets prissy, ugly, mostly pink outfits that ONLY a 60-year-old can love. Honestly, I've really disliked all of these outfits. Of course I don't/can 't SAY that but they are in the back of the closet for the most part and will only be put on her at grandma's when I am not around.

Of course, not all pink was from the MIL, there is a lot elsewhere but I have a possibly (or completely, if it were up to the d-man) irrational uncomfortable feeling about the MIL. I understand that the grandparents love to just buy shit...and its what they like, not what I like, I mean I GET that, but I feel like she does that kind of thing for just about everything. She comes to the room and "offers" to help with it by doing things we didn't ask for and giving us advice that we don't want. I don't say a word. Maybe I should, because she isn't going to know me at all otherwise, she has a hard time understanding me in general, but my opinion is asked in this way..."this is beautiful, don't you think?" what?? I guess the idea that her not trying to get to know me is similar to my thinking that she is trying to mold my daughter into what she wants (and I see as prissy...onsies should NOT have collars). I don't know, but it does upset me. I know d-man thinks I am horrible since she IS trying in her own way to help or be nice. BUT, to someone as independent as me, and also wanting to share everything about parenting with my husband, it's frustrating to deal with the old-fashionedness of her thinking. She thinks some things the d-man says are "silly"...like the things we've read in the baby books (new research, etc). I mean, we agree on those things and we share everything.

Oh, anyway...this will be an ongoing frustration for me. I have to somehow try to feel comfortable around her and I'm sure things will change with the baby somewhat. (I did get the stare the other day, though...she stares at me and smiles at me at the same time. I think she's trying to exude an I care for you vibe, but it kind of freaks me out.) Now, if only this baby would actually come out...

Home....

So, it's my first day as a housewife. I am not a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) yet, since even though this kid is right HERE, she's not here yet. I do not like this and I've already checked my work email twice. I've gone grocery shopping, cleaned out my car, picked up the dining room and now I am playing online. I'm glad I am home, though, because I'm not exactly comfortable and I am peeing constantly.

The plan for today is to vacuum a bit, clean downstairs what I can, pack the bag, and start the damn thank-you cards. No, this is not nesting, just what I do when I am not at work. Also, I am anal about planning and being prepared for anything, so that's what I am doing, for the most part. I want to get things done so I can read up on labor and babies and everything (there's that preparedness thing again). I wanted to do that on the patio but the on and off showers all week are literally putting a damper on that.

In addition, I have a lunch planned with my SIL, MIL, BIL and his fiance, and hopefully d-man will come. That's tomorrow and the doctor is on Wednesday. After that...I really need it to stop raining! OR, she can be born, that would be fine with me. I guess I just keep walking and doing yoga. Not sure what else to do and of course I am freaking out that she'll be late and therefore huge (and therefore extra painful especially in the recovery..or need a c-section). But, due date has not yet arrived, so I am just going to try to relax.

I did get yet another exciting end of pregnancy symptom...charlie horse. Now, I've had these before, lots of times. I've even pulled my calf running...twice and pretty badly. BUT, this was amazingly painful. F-bombs flowing at 3am. All I could think of was how labor will be worse and that scared me of course. Who knows, though? Anyway, it still hurts and I need to stretch before I walk everyday. This, and I haven't been to the gym in like two months.

So....perhaps I can keep up with the blog, but I can't imagine I'll have any exciting reports until she gets here. She wants to come out alien style, I think....since she pushes that way all the time and refuses to drop down.

Well, guess I'd better get to work....

pain in the ass

Okay so I am icing my ass...and I have been fantasizing about doing it all day. The final days (God I hope) of pregnancy are initiating me, I think. I have a hemorrhoid, and I hope it stays one. Yes, I am sure that number will grow when I actually push this kid out, but I'll deal with that when I have to. Since I am sure there will be more than just a hemorrhoid to deal with (and I'll have drugs), it'll be a whole different experience. The thing is, though, this hurts like a mother. Yes, I realize labor will be worse, BUT I can yell and swear and well, I'll be in labor, so it's expected. Right now, at work, I have to act like all is well. People are constantly asking me how I am doing and of course I say "hanging in there" with a smile. Can't really say...."well, the hemorrhoid is kicking my ass and preparation H is a bullshit product." Nope, can't do that. I do have a reputation to uphold, here.

So, aside from right when I get up and actually go for a walk, I am walking like an old woman. I am to the point where I curse everything when I drop something (keys, phone, whatever). It's interesting.

So, anyway...went to the doc yesterday and I was told I had a stubborn cervix, meaning nothing is happening, well, except for all that swelling. There is no dropping going on and all those other signs are eluding me as well. So, as much as I want this to happen, I just have a feeling it will be later than sooner. Of course, I am hoping that isn't the case, but....man I HATE having no control. Kind of a theme with this blog.

commercial.......

First of all, I gotta say that when I saw this commercial on tv, I cried. LOVED IT!!!!! I had the same reaction the first time I saw it on you tube, too. Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Pampers?blend=1&ob=5#p/u/6/OxbRdxbBROI

I mean, the references to howEVER the baby gets here and how it doesn't matter made me feel great. There is a huge company (who is yes, selling diapers, but appease me here) who sees so many other points of view that I felt legitimized, no matter what the church says.

Then I read the comments. It always brings me back to reality. Most seemed to be nice, but then there were the ones that pissed me off. First of all the abortion people---one said this was propaganda by the pro-lifers since there was a preggers woman in a wedding dress. Seriously? People are REACHING to get their OWN agenda out there. Of course there was the woman who commented on the opposite end, or had to agree with that. I just saw it as someone who probably didn't plan it but was having a baby anyway (her choice, just saying....). But then there was of course one that went into how wrong IVF was--unnatural! (though I was still so happy how prominent it was in the commercial) and how you should just adopt. People who are not in the situation are so friggin ignorant. I won't get into that but there is a lot that has to happen emotionally before you even get to the adoption thing, and THEN you need about 20k, so just adopting, is a big deal.

But anyway....I'm going to still love this ad, and the diapers we get will be the best bang for the buck, regardless of where they are made. So, it didn't do what it wanted necessarily for me, but I am a fan of pampers without giving them money...hahaha.

tired....

I'm tired. Really. It is directly related to being pregnant but not totally because I am pregnant. It's amazing how much stress this brings...or I am putting on myself, probably a bit of both. I thought about calling one of the 27 people that I told I would call, but I just don't have the energy. Typing isn't quite as strenuous. I guess I just feel like I have too much to do, and with so much going on around me, I CAN'T bitch about how I feel, because I just don't have time to do it.

First, work. I have a lot to do...and 2 weeks to do it. I can't complete some things until I get information from other people and sometimes that is the most frustrating thing. Plus, I feel like I have this deadline, but need to be prepared in case that deadline moves up. I have to teach my colleagues to do my job in the summer (thank GOD it's the summer...not as much going on in higher ed). It's becoming crunch time, so it's becoming stressful. I am doing something constantly! I did get a nice and unexpected shower at work. I was pretty surprised and it was great. Had to go back to doing more than I have time for afterwards but I guess I felt appreciated, so that was really good to see. I'm still overwhelmed, but I don't save lives.

Getting the house ready is the next thing. Thankfully this doesn't fall totally on me, though I feel like I am more nervous about getting everything ready than the d-man. I mean, we are putting the baby in our bedroom that is dusty and actually now has pollen on the dresser from blowing in the past few days. Plus the baby's room is now again full of unopened stuff. We got through most of the shower gifts but had to buy a lot of what we did not get and now THAT's sitting there...I got through the clothes, the gifts and the hand-me-downs. This is wear the frilly dresses come in. My SIL on d-man's side had nice stuff but also a ton of dresses. She said that I should remember that her mom gave her a lot of stuff (yes, my MIL) so be aware. It's a way to circumvent actually GIVING me the pink dresses, haha. I need to get this chick some jeans and sp0rty outfits. But anyway, most of the clothes are put away, washed first and filling up the dresser. It's the rest of the room that's the problem Plus, the house has an ant problem, I have to work ALL weekend and when I get home from work, I can't do anything comfortably. This includes sitting on the couch, but at least THAT doesn't really hurt. So I really need d-man to get at the dust bunnies under our bed and clean up....really. So, not sure if I can get it all done, especially since I have to be AT work so much. ugh.

Also as I said, so much going on around me that it's stressful. Other members of the fam are having marital issues, job issues, illness issues. I feel like we need to help everyone and I am jealous since I want people to just ask me how I feel and the both of us how ready we are. Also, one of my infertile friends is ignoring me. She lost her baby, and I understand...but it still hurts that I'm not getting a response from phone calls and emails, etc. I get it, but I am emotional about everything right now (everything...) so that doesn't help. I don't know what to do about it, either...

I'm hoping this isn't a rant, but really...tired, emotional. I mean, I could feel tears welling up in a meeting I ran this morning because someone challenged me. I am usually up for that! Well, as much as I want her to come out...it'll be nice to have at least a week to myself before she gets here. 2 more weeks of work!

less than a week....til the damn shower

So, I CAN'T be alone in saying that I am not a fan of baby showers. I've always said that I don't like bridal showers and the only thing worse is a baby shower. Why? well....it could be the ooohing and ahhing over all of the little clothes and as the guest of honor, the pretending that I like everything. It's VERY much like the bridal shower. I feel that women over 55 LOVE these things and just have to see the plates you registered for, get all excited about sheets, etc. The same goes for the baby shower but even more so because they absolutely adore babies. They only remember the good things about their own babies...30 years ago. Here's the thing about the gifts: styles liked by those in their 20s and 30s vary greatly between those of women in their 50s and 60s. I expect a lot of clothing that I will not put on my daughter, and lots of blankets that I won't use. I've checked (they make it really easy now) my registries and there is a LOT of stuff left! I am visualizing pink frilly dresses and prissy little outfits that I wouldn't dare put on her. I mean, we bought a onzie today that had a darth vader head on it. (and another that says "my mommy doesn't want your advice" that will cause some angry stares by the very women who will BE at my shower). I am praying for receipts so we can actually go and get the stuff we want or need...

The other part of it is that it is hosted by my mother-in-law who is super excited about it. I mean, like I said, women over 55 LOVE it! She is also very much into etiquette and how things are supposed to be so this will be very much what I don't like about showers.....that's okay. I can pretend I like pink dresses (though I totally regret sharing that info with people now). I didn't get much say in the shower, but that would have caused problems anyway (I would have like to have been able to have my friends kids there...since a couple asked) But it is nice, not cheap I'm sure, and should get us some of the things we need, so....I can do it!

getting real....

Okay, so we got the furniture in yesterday and it looks awesome! Okay, so I totally bawled my eyes out when I went in there and sat in the glider. Not sure why, exactly but I had to leave the room. I guess it's partly because I am so happy, partly because of everything it took to get here. It's just very overwhelming. It's not bad, it's just a lot. I do hope I don't cry every time I got in there because that will make decorating pretty hellish.

Well, anyway, I saw the furniture all in place since I have been away for a few days for work. I surprised many of my colleagues that I see only a few times a year with the pregnancy. I definitely got the "you look great" a few times. I mean, I feel absolutely huge, so when people say that, I find it odd. Everyone was very nice and made a point to say good luck and congrats...well, all the women did and a lot of the men. I didn't know if anyone would say anything, so it was nice. I also got to hear about how some of the women were able to handle (successfully) their kids and their careers. The baby was super active during the meetings. I guess she was as bored as I was....

small world...

So, we went to a breastfeeding class this evening, which was significantly overwhelming to me, but that's not where I am going with this.... At the class was the Indian couple that was one of the other two that were there the day we did our retrieval and transfer. They are having twin boys! AND, they told us that the other couple got pregnant, too! I guess Dr. God was on his game that day. Also, if he put the wrong embryo in one of us, well, we can just trade.

Anyway, it was nice to see others who succeeded. They told us that they had tried with a different doctor prior to Dr. God and it was $20,000 for ONE try. Damn....see, I knew that Dr. God had some good qualities. hahaha.

So, the breastfeeding thing...well, the d-man is ALL into it. I am too, but seriously nervous about the whole thing, from latching on to storing it in the fridge. I'm pretty smart, or was before I hit the third trimester, so I'm sure with the d-man's help, we'll figure it out.

back to reality...

So perhaps I’ve been getting off topic, lately. That’s a good thing because it means that everything is moving along how it is supposed to. Even the doctor continually says I am having a boring pregnancy. My girth was larger but my weight even stayed the same (which is good since it is not where I want it to be). Well, things have come crashing down for a friend of mine and it just brings home how fragile all of this actually is.

She is one of my best infertile friends. She goes, or went to Dr God, too and thought he was the same arrogant doc that I do. We still talk about it. Anyway, about 23 weeks ago, she got pregnant—the normal way. This, after 5 years of trying, miscarriages, doctors, etc. So, I did mention that at her 20 week ultrasound they found out that the baby had a cleft palate. She had an amnio and through that all of the other “bad” stuff was ruled out—the chromosomal stuff. Yesterday, they met with specialists and had more tests and more ultrasounds and found out it was a lot worse—hole in his heart, brain damage, etc. They are terminating the pregnancy at this point.

I know she is devastated and I found out through a facebook message to a select few what happened. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean, is she going to not want to see me because I am 32 weeks and doing well? Should I stay away or should I try to get together? I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now, and to be honest, I’m scared to think about it. I mean, I feel awful, but I don’t want to think about it, I want to focus on me, but that’s being an awful friend, I know. It really brings up what can happen and scares the hell out of me. Until I see my baby, I won’t be settled with this pregnancy, and then I am sure I’ll worry about SIDS or something constantly. I haven’t been able to relax this whole time, and now seeing how unfair it all can be…again…it’s pretty intense.

I will get over my issues for her sake and at least let her know that I am here if she needs me, but honestly, she may not want to see me for a while. I totally understand... but I really hope that in some way that isn't what I want.

apparently, I am a bitch, one who compromises, but a bitch

Okay so I should explain since after reading all of my posts, I look like to most likable, sweet person ever, right? Well, I am learning that I must be harsh, because I feel like I am getting it from all sides right now.

I have to express myself over my husband's issue right now...he doesn't think I am a bitch I don't think, but he is pulling his every month or two irrational (to me) desire for me to be best buds with his ex-GF. I don't THINK it is a sexual fantasy thing but it IS odd to me. Long history but basically she hurt him significantly years ago (before me) and yet he feels like he needs to be friends with her now. I'm okay with that but he ALSO needs me to be friends with her. He says he just wants me to meet her, but I KNOW that his fantasy is to have us hit it off so she can come over and hang with the baby (not gonna happen). No I don't believe he'll leave me for her or anything, but I don't get the need. He used to have to save her all the time and I am sure there's a little bit of that there because this girl is one of those with multiple issues ALL THE TIME. I really have to desire for any stories about her but I am NOW going to waste my Tuesday and meet her and her boyfriend. Maybe it will be loud in the restaurant. One can hope.

The other revelation is how my sister in law, who is a bit odd and has trouble with socialization, thinks I don't like her and she has to walk on egg shells around me. I am not quite sure I get that one because the opposite is true. I tend to be sarcastic and she really doesn't ever get the joke and gets offended. All of her siblings do the exact same thing, but I am the one who doesn't like her....obviously it isn't true but d-man and I are going to try to be nicer. Part of it is she is much like her mom....which leads me to that...

I know I have complained about the MIL much on here, and I feel justified. I also know that I make things worse by taking them personally and may seem irrational at times. Well, d-man and I had a talk about how to have a good relationship with her. Part of it is letting comments slide...they aren't bad, but annoying as hell most of the time. I realize she is the exact (and I mean exact) opposite of who I am and she ain't changing. I am not changing, so I need to just let it go. I don't really want to but perhaps if I do, then she'll start to figure out or make an effort to get to know who I am....meaning a different perspective. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted on this....it shall be interesting.

So, on top of being pregnant, I have to be different....sweet....well, I'll put on a happy face Tuesday. ONCE shouldn't be the end of the world, as long as d-man knows it's once. Who know being independent was so hard?

good weekend!

So, for a change, we actually did things pretty much all weekend and I was able to be fairly comfortable throughout. yeah! I've been feeling old and blah since I basically hit the couch by 7 or 8 every night do to the rib thing. I've neglected things I SHOULD be doing, like laundry and cleaning. Thankfully the d-man has been beginning to pick up the slack. THIS is what the third trimester beginning is like. awesome...BUT, like I said, I managed pretty well this weekend.

Okay, I AM on the couch, today was pretty active. We actually had sex this morning and I really can't tell you how long it's been. Thankfully, I have a sweet and awesome husband who has been able to deal with preggers me and all that comes with it, regarding that anyway. He is also been figuring out the rest of my uncomfortableness, etc. So, anyway, we also went for a long walk around town, to brunch, read the paper and watched a baseball game on TV (yeah!!), went to the irish pub to listen to live music and hung with the old manager (who bought d-man a pint and told us that in Ireland, pregnant women are instructed to drink a half pint everyday), went to Borders and bought a book on breast-feeding AND d-man bought two books on research studies on raising kids, and basically how most people are doing it wrong by constant praising. I agree due to my working with college kids....We also went grocery shopping. sweet.

Oh, yeah, Friday we saw Dick Vermiel speak about leadership, Saturday we went to the gym (I went to work--boo) and we went out to a good dinner. The best part? I was able to fend off rib pain. My lower back started to hurt on Saturday, but then I got a d-man massage...nice.

I've also noticed that she's been quite active this weekend. That was my worry, that she wasn't moving enough. Well, she is showing me up, that's for sure. I still think she stays in the same place, but she is more central in her moving now, so maybe she's dancing a bit.

Let's see if I can keep it up.

made it to the gym

I just had to acknowledge that....it's been too long (well, for me). I feel so awkward there and none of my work out clothing fits, but I got my ass out of bed and feel pretty good about it. Now to find a sports bra that fits for the next time....

worry...but all good with me..

constant worry. I am getting a little bit away from it, though I think. I keep worrying now about the kicking, though lately she's pretty friggin active. Now I am just trying to be comfortable enough to work out. But anyway, back to the worry...

why? because everything is so fragile. It totally blows my mind how so many kids are born everyday and thrive after all of this. One of my infertile friends was having a fairly normal pregnancy thus far. I mean, she had her issues but it had been going well for the most part. At her 20 week ultrasound, however, they found her baby had a cleft palate. There could have been other issues as well, but so far that's been the major issue. But it IS major. I mean, that's a lifetime of surgeries and other issues. She has to deal with the baby at birth. I couldn't do it, I mean, I would, but how do you prepare for that?

I guess I don't know what to think about it all. I feel bad because I feel so horrible for her but so glad that's not my baby. I do worry about how we will raise her, god I worry about how to wash her. I am preparing as much as I can, but it's still pretty scary. I feel pretty excited for her to get here, though. We'll figure it out together..with daddy.

religion decison

So, since this whole thing started, I have known about the church's stance on IVF. By church, I mean the Catholics, of which I have been brought up to be. Personally, I've thought of leaving the church since before we got married. I disagree with what I believe are the small things, like sex before marriage, living together, masturbation, contraception and the big things, like homosexuality, abortion, and I think covering up molesting little boys is wrong. But now it's more of a big deal since the church believes our child is a product of evil, that IVF doesn't assist those who are infertile, but rather goes against god. Obviously, I don't agree.

Our decision has been ongoing. We've gone to an Episcopal church to check it out and found that there is way more pomp and circumstance than we are used to or feel comfortable with. The other Christian denominations seem too far off of what we actually believe. The thing is that I (not as much d-man) want to baptize our daughter. I mean, I do believe in my religion, just not what the pope says is right or wrong.

The hypocrisy is overwhelming. The church believes in all life, at conception, but has killed millions over the years. It believes in treating others in the name of Jesus, but seems to tolerate its priests' abhorrent behavior. That, in and of itself, almost had me out a few weeks ago. But, I digress...this is about the stance on IVF. I've mentioned the gist and tonight went online to read more. As usual, I just got angry. I don't get upset, I just get blown away by the ignorance and lack of understanding of how things actually work. People hold beliefs based on what they know...not new, that's everything, but with this issue, they get so holier than thou and it's annoying.

So, what are we going to do? Well, we will probably baptize her. We have to officially join the church together, so we'll see how that goes. I mean, we can always leave at a later date, and I don't want to make a mistake. Besides, I am a godmother three times over, and I don't want to disappoint. At least, not yet.

workouts

So, I have been expressing how much I love the yoga, and I do, but I skipped today. My reasoning? I was TIRED. I walked (walked!) with a friend for about a half hour this morning. It was hilly, and I was winded! I've run three marathons...did four spinning classes a week until I started stimming and I was tired walking?? Ugh, that totally frustrates me. But even so...I skipped yoga tonight. I had to bake something and I figured I wanted to get that done earlier than later. (raw eggs are bad, I know, but in chocolate, so GOOD...I'll be okay..I didn't lick off too much...)

Now I am in my rib pain position. It's rough tonight, man. Feels better at the moment, though. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to yoga!

never ceases to amaze me

Okay, so first of all, I was pretty pissed off this past weekend because the d-man went to visit friends. I had to work on Saturday, so I couldn't go. I did spend much time cleaning and was realizing that I do much of that around here. This of course, made me angry...then I started thinking about how d-man was seemingly, at least to me, going away on weekends (well, 2) and having fun while I had to stay here and work or do baby things. So, yes, I was seriously jealous, but also had to have a talk about the cleaning thing. I really do like my job, so I understand the issues, it just sucks if he wants to go away, especially if he wants to go with his friends...out. Now, I don't need to drink to have fun, but I can't hang lately, unless I can lean back. ugh. So, we had a discussion....I think that things will be good, unless d-man wants to go away again...not sure how I will react to that one.

Anyway, on his trip, he saw some friends, mainly friends of his best friend, but close enough where they came to our wedding. He was able to see two new-ish babies, too! One of the babies' parents, he found out did IVF. It is now getting seriously common, or I am now noticing, I guess. I mean, this is a couple our age, not in their 40s or whatever....their issues had nothing to do with waiting too long. I mean, have people had these issues forever? Are we now more infertile as a whole because of hormones in milk or something else? Well, whatever the reason, I feel almost comforted to know it's not just us. It was siblings of friends, and neighbors of relatives, and now it's people I work with, friends, people I went to school with. I am not saying I am happy that so many people struggle with this, in fact, it's not a good thing, but I don't feel as alone about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but it is NOT abnormal.

Update on the actual pregnancy...well, not much to report. I think I am supposed to be counting movements now, which of course makes me nervous that she's not moving enough. I think she is but I always worry. Shouldn't she be moving more? OH, I don't know...doc next week. I'll see what he says.

still hanging in there...

If it's possible to grow exponentially overnight in the belly area, I think I did it. Plus, I seemed to have put on 3 pounds since yesterday. Of course, that happened last week and went away. I think I obsess about the weight thing, because I'll bet I go down again tomorrow.

So, things are progressing...obviously getting bigger but thankfully my issues have stayed the same...the rib thing, which I will bring up every time I write, and damn I pee all the time. But that's been my life for 34 years, so I guess I'm used to it. The big issue now is all of the research that me and d-man have been reading about the vitamins I am or was taking. So vitamin D is good, or bad, but now good. Folic acid is apparently in everything we eat, plus all vitamins and guess what...causes cancer. Awesome. So, hopefully I have not screwed myself or my daughter.

There is so much crap to worry about. I feel like it's much worse now... I mean plastics are now horrible to heat up and cause cancer. The coloring in soda now causes cancer. Cell phones F up our brains. I'm not even gonna mention the texting. I suppose I can let the d-man continue to worry about it for now.

So, we got a tour of the maternity unit at our latest class. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised at it. I don't know, I figured that since much of the hospital is old and on the crappy side, it would be too. Not so. There was even a room for staff that was a suite. IF no other staff or family of staff have a baby when I do, we score. Of course if my FIL is the only anesthesiologist on when I have the baby, the epidural should be interesting. Lots of surprises...along with the whole labor and pain and blood and all that shit. Well, I've always thought of myself as tough. Guess we'll see....

Third trimester, holy shit!

So, it's official. According to my doctor, I am at 27 weeks as of yesterday, which by most of what I have been reading is the beginning of the third trimester. I feel like this has been the longest six months of my life...or almost 12 months, whatever. I mean I feel like we have so much to do since we have been putting things off....like getting a pediatrician, and figuring out how to friggin breast feed. But, that's okay. Three months is enough time. I hope.

Okay, the excitement this week, other than the pain and the visit to the doctor, which has gone away, was our first labor and delivery class. We are enrolled for three Thursdays. AND, we are the only couple in the class. There were two nursing students there, too, but other than that, just us. It was good. I was surprised at how, um, natural, or non-medical, it was. She was explaining (or pushing, I couldn't tell) natural labor without drugs. It was basic what happens when you go into labor stuff, but very down to earth. Next week we get a tour of the maternity ward...and we talk drugs. Should be fun!

So, the physical update is that although I wanted to gain three lbs in four weeks, it's looking like four. ugh....I suck, but it's okay. I was off the gym with the abdominal pain. Next week will be good, I swear. I feel huge, and I'm not hiding anything anymore, that's for sure. I'm still kind of pissed off that the ribs get smushed since I could totally hang if THAT felt okay. Ah, well, I'll get it back in three months.

Happy Valentine's Day, doc!

Okay, so today is v-day, which isn't that exciting, but today has been! I had a visit to the doctor that was unexpected. This wasn't because I wanted to say hi to him, but rather because somethings up, maybe, possibly...

We spent Saturday afternoon and night with some friends and we stayed overnight in Philly. I slept horribly on a double bed with the d-man and small pillows (not the crazy preggers pillow that I have graduated to). We went to breakfast and on the walk home I started getting achy pains on my abdomen but didn't think much of it. We ran some errands, finally ordered our expensive glider, and then went home to chill out. My achy pains started to get pretty bad.

I assumed it was what I have researched as round ligament pain. It was in that location, but it was pretty constant as opposed to the sudden shooting pain that seemed to be more common with that. Well, I decided that a yoga dvd would help...nope. Then the d-man actually drew a bath for me. That was awesome, even though I made him clean the tub first and it isn't exactly a soaking tub...probably way too hot for the baby, but I felt good while I was in there. Of course, the minute I got out it came back....was pretty bad when I went to bed, but the 4 times I went to the bathroom, I was okay, just moving gingerly...on purpose.

It was better but still there so I called the doctor this morning. He said to come in this afternoon, though he doesn't think it's anything. So, I did. He said that obstetrically, all is well (which is what I was afraid of..pre term labor or something). He said that if I feel worse to call him and he could send me for an ultrasound to see if something was wrong with my right ovary (it's on the right side), or if he'll check if it's something else, like appendicitis or something. SO, I am to call if it gets worse or I get scared that it isn't getting better. I like the doc...so I have no problem doing that.

The good thing is, d-man and I get to go to the peanut butter restaurant (yes, really) that we wanted to go to tonight. Funky peanut butter sandwiches..affordable. We are so romantic. Well, d-man gave me an awesome bath WITH candles, so I guess he is ;)

SO....hopefully, the pain will subside. I'll keep you posted.

Pain and ohm.....

So, first of all, I am reclining right now, not looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws, not because I don't wan t to have dinner with them, exactly, but because I'll have to sit in a chair. I went out with a friend on Tuesday and it was good up until the check came. Oh my god, my back ribs were on fire and they are getting there now. I REALIZE there isn't much room in there, and I don't have a looooong torso, but this sucks. I always thought I'd be able to go out and hang when I was preggers, as long as I didn't have high BP or something crazy. I figured later on, the back would hurt and I'd get tired, but this I hadn't heard of. So, my intestines are getting shoved up there and that only works for so long until the pain hits.

At work, I can sort of lean back in my chair and it actually feels okay...I've figured that out, but the books all say to stand up straight or sit up straight. That totally doesn't work for me. Only in a reclining position can I stretch my torso out. I'm not going to show weakness!!!! not yet.

I went to yoga last night and I thought it would alleviate some of this. Well, no, but it rocked. I haven't been to an actual class in years so it was great. It was actually difficult. I figured prenatal yoga would be easy stretches and almost a waste, but this was pretty hard core. I'm going back! I was greeted by a guy in some kind of samurai outfit when I got there...if that's not a reason to go back, I don't know what is!

I decided to post on facebook about my experience at yoga, and it totally outed me. I hadn't really done that, and I have a friend who puts on every time the baby kicks, which is annoying as hell, so I have been the opposite. That won't change, but the response was really cool. People are happy for me and I got a lot of congrats. If they only knew....

glucose, ice cream, and low gas

Sooooo, yesterday was eventful. I mean I started out with my glucose tolerance test. I fear that the eating of crap the week before wasn't good, but I can't give myself diabetes in a week, can I? I've had this before, when I had all the tests for PCOS. I wasn't diabetic or even pre-diabetic then. I didn't have insulin resistance, either. My glucose DID spike, however. That was a two-hour test, I believe. This one was the amateur one hour test. If I fail, though, it's a three-hour test. I don't want to fail. I need to eat better anyway, so maybe I can do so without the threat of gestational diabetes?

I guess I need to start today, however, because for some reason I thought it a good idea to buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's last night. I figured I'd have some while watching Up.....okay side note on Up. I knew it was about a man whose wife and he couldn't have kids and so they have a good life anyway, blah blah blah, but let me tell you, I lost it. I mean, it IS Disney and therefore, you are supposed to cry at some point, but I was really upset. I'm glad I waited until I got pregnant to see it though....anyway, the ice cream. It turned out to be the whole pint consumed. I'm not so worried about the calories, which in my old life would be four good beers (and a hangover, presumably) but was it the sugar? Was it me needing something to soothe me? I don't know. I wish it had been a pint of broccoli.

So the gas...this is where I lost it again, but after some Googling, have regained my composure. I came home from work today around five. I went to the kitchen to make some bran muffins while I cleaned the kitchen. As I went to pre-heat the oven, I noticed that the burner was on--very low. I don't know if I hit it..but then I remembered that I had it on high for the soup I had (prior to ice cream) last night and I believe that I turned it low but apparently not all the way off. I rightfully freaked out. I didn't smell gas, the carbon monoxide detectors didn't go off, I didn't feel sick, headache, nothing. I even actually turned on the oven for the muffins while opening the windows and turning on the fan.
I did what I always do in times of fear, I Googled. I found several articles about people who left gas on and woke up to a smell and headache, and called the gas company..but that's not what happened. I feel okay now because I read about people making broth and how it has to simmer for 24-72 hours! The people on the boards (and it was a mothering board) had no problem with this. I'm thinking there is something to the fact that the stove was not LEAKING gas but was on as if I were cooking something. I guess I am glad I don't have a cat that could have caught on fire. Because it would have a really stupid owner.

I'll be asking the doctor about this, but if I feel okay....I aired it out, still have the fan on...feel fine...and made the muffins with no incident.

YES, I'm worried about her...and also about my parenting skills.

less than four months to go....seems long...

So...I am still supposed to feel good, but I've accepted the fact that it ain't happening. So now I am counting down and trying to figure out ways to make myself feel better. The other side of this..baby prep on the consumer side is coming along fine, with the MIL being a constant struggle, but I'm up for the challenge.

My biggest problem is my rib pain. I've read online that it's common, my doctor said my intestines are getting shoved up there and that can cause pain. Well, at some point everyday, usually around lunch, or after I eat, I get the pain in my back. I feel it in the front, under my left boob, but it actually hurts in the back. All the websites say to sit up straight, do yoga, but there isn't too much you can do...sitting up straight, doesn't work. BUT, if I lean back, I'm okay. Work is a challenge, but I just look like I'm relaxing at my desk. Yoga I plan to get to, but the only prenatal class around here is on Wednesdays, which have been snow and ice covered for the past few weeks...
As for the commonality of this...I know no one who even knows what I am talking about. One person I work with said she felt it with one of her kids one time. great. My mom said she blessed me with a short torso and that may be part of the problem. My MIL didn't really understand, which is kind of normal for her (if she didn't or doesn't experience it, she has a hard time accepting it). I have no one to bitch to about it! I do have one friend who went to a chiropractor because of back pain in her pregnancy, but I don't think that will help me. I'll ask the doc next time what else I can do.

The other stuff...registry, baby's room...it's getting done. I'm happy with it. My MIL is constantly emailing and "helping." We were over there yesterday and before I could say hi she had a magazine in my face of the rug that we "should" buy. The thing is, aside from the fact that all the stuff she shows us is way out of our price range, the more she pushes the less likely I am to even want to get it, just because she wants us to. ugh, I don't know....we did buy a rug, bigger and $400 cheaper. We are NOT made of money and our savings made this kid so...we are kinda trying to conserve. I AM grateful that my in-laws and my parents are going to help out with the stuff. The shower will help (if I can make it to that without going off). Basically, she's overwhelming. I usually just at some point get to the ignoring stage. I don't want to have the d-man say anything so I think that works out better. She backs off, for a while.

I am SURE this will carry on to the parenting advice, and I'm sure that will come at us from ALL angles and lots of different people. So, I see this as a warm-up. And a learning experience....

Dr. visit number 2....

I went to the doc on Monday. I didn't really know what to expect and thought it would be short but it was record timing.

I see the doctor (well, eventually three different ones) at the hospital with Dr. God, my GP, and where my FIL works. Also, it's pretty close....BUT in not so nice an area. Scary, actually.

I went to the waiting room and it is pretty shabby looking (this doesn't make me happy, but I DO like the doctor) There are people in there who are local. This ain't no suburban hospital. Oddly, Dr. God's office upstairs is super nice....I think I had mentioned before that when you don't take insurance, you tend to make more money??? yep. Anyway, I got right in and got the BP taken, which was perfect, according the nurse, peed in a cup (and I really don't know what for, but that seemed to work out alright, too), and got weighed.....

Okay, up four pounds in four weeks. They say that's "normal" BUT I started out in the overweight range, according to my BMI. I am trying/hoping to not gain more than 25 pounds. um...may push that a little since I have 17 weeks and only 11 pounds to play with. I'll try to keep it under 30. I really don't want a fat kid with weight problems. She already has our genes to deal with...

When the doc came in, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if he was going to check me out or what? He just measured my uterus, which he said was perfect. Of course my latest worry is that my cervix will weaken and I'll lose the baby. That's the last line of defense right now, so I have to be crazy about something. He didn't check it, I guess he won't. So, I'll just keep on worrying.

He also said to notice the movements (uh, I do) and see how I want to start counting them. After 28 weeks I have to either compare them to the previous day to make sure she's moving consistently, or actually chart them. Of course now that I have to pay attention I feel like she's moving less. I'm a bit paranoid. Wonder where that comes from???

So, overall good appointment. I have the glucose test soon and I hope the BP stays where it is and I don't swell up (I'm also terrified of pre-eclampsia).

Now, if I could just stop the ribs from feeling like they are on fire for most of the day.....

big shopping weekend...with MIL

So.....in the great tradition of this blog, I must talk about the overwhelming mother-in-law. Let me back up, though.

This past weekend, I had planned to go to Babies R Us to register with my sister in law. We've had our differences in the past but I think we get along fine, and I've always had a good relationship with my brother. My niece, her youngest, is four, so she hasn't been out of the game too long and I figured it would be good to go with someone not too far removed from all of the gadgets of motherhood.

It was great. She showed me to the big stuff, what I would really need, took things out and checked on ease of use, use of space, all of that. She shared advice that she got and showed me what I should get that she ended up buying herself. We were there for like two and a half hours and my poor niece was stuck in the shopping cart making drawings of her family.

I specifically didn't share with my MIL when we were going to do this. Going with her would not be the best day for me. Her baby advice is 25 years old (d-man's brother is 25). Plus, she already has this push of everything that her daughter does, uses, thinks is great...on me. It's annoying but I have to suck it up, and here's why....

We went shopping for a crib and dresser on Sunday. MIL had said that she wanted to buy us a crib (well, my in-laws, but FIL didn't come), which is awesome. We went to a store with really nice furniture. I made sure d-man was coming along. I liked the store a lot. She ended up buying both the crib and the dresser, and now I feel like we are in her debt a bit, which frustrates me. At least she didn't push the white crib she sent me in an email. (I HATE white bedroom furniture....her daughter of course has that). I made the mistake of saying we should stop by Babies R Us to look at bedding...since d-man was with us, we were in that mode. Well, not the best idea by me.

I looked with d-man and we didn't get anywhere with the bedding, but I figured I'd show them what we had registered for since we were there. That was fine, but then she wanted to look at other things....and started telling me that I needed this and that, and I had to register for what she thought was right. One thing that stuck out was the swaddling blankets that she said I should get since her daughter had them. I registered for the basically ready to go, just stick the baby in it swaddler thing and her comment was, "well, d-man can use that but you can use this..it's better." First of all, why is it better, and second of all, what makes her think d-man won't be able to do it and more importantly that I will be?? I've never done it! I think the last time I changed a diaper I put it on the wrong way (my poor nephew...who is now 8).

The other part of the day that was annoying was as we were leaving when she started saying how I'll be calling her asking her to come over ALL THE TIME, that I will need help and she'll be right there with all the answers. Um, no, maybe on occasion, but I am NOT MY SISTER IN LAW! (who totally does that, d-man's sisters both do, and one doesn't have any kids). AND, I have a mom. I actually may call her, go figure.

to be continued with this one....

Honeymoon trimester? Seems like BS to me...

I've read that I am supposed to feel much of the following in the 2nd trimester:

-good
-not tired
-horny (for lack of a better word)
-not having to pee every 20 minutes
-not that big
-not nauseous
-more flexible
-able to feel kicking

Of those....well, I don't feel sick. I feel her moving around at times, but only from the inside so that's not really as reassuring as it could be (could be something I ate everyday).

What I REALLY feel:

-fat
-tired
-huge
-not horny
-frustrated with my clothing options (whoever thinks that whole panel thing was a good idea is a moron)
-the need to pee ALL THE TIME (which, in reality, is not THAT different from my non-pregnant life, though I haven't slept through the night since August)
-emotional
-heartburn
-rib pain

This seems like more negative than positive, and I don't think I am, necessarily.

Now, the sex thing has me pissed off, and I am sure the d-man as well. I know that will be off the table for a while after the baby but I'm not that into it. I know the uncomfortableness of my body has a lot to do with it, so maybe I need to work on that, but I keep getting the shaft in the hormone department! Or not getting it...(sorry it just came to me....and I could comment on the comment but I won't)

Perhaps this "honeymoon trimester" is based on the whole picture. I'm sure it is, which makes me so not excited about the third trimester. Of course, I am constantly worried about what can go wrong, what IS wrong, that I will fall on my face and therefore my stomach, that someone will punch me in the stomach (not sure where that fear comes from), that I ate something wrong and Listeria is just around the corner....

Well, someone I know was talking about someone who got pregnant after years of infertility and she was saying how this particular woman was complaining about pregnancy. Her statement was she should just be happy she got there since she complained so much about NOT being pregnant. SO....I should let her know that it isn't fun regardless of how you get there, and everyone has the right to complain. Actually, it feels like I am normal for a change....uncomfortable, but normal.

Anatomically Correct

This morning was the 20 week scan. So, hopefully due to the clever title, you have figured out that it went well. The scan itself was I guess pretty normal. Everything measured about 20 weeks and like five days, and we have a new due date of May 20th (which makes sense since that is a Friday and retrieval day was a Friday). The coolest thing was seeing the spine. It was almost the only thing that I could actually make out well. I was totally spoiled by the 90 thousand dollar ultrasound in Dr. God's office.

Of course it can't be without drama, though....we left a little later than I wanted. Not too much, but I tend to freak out when I am late and traffic sucked and was upset. The d-man was in one of his famous funks, so therefore not talkative. We got up there and the receptionist asked if we had our AFT (I think?) bloodwork taken. Never heard of it....our doctor is supposed to have us do that around 15-16 weeks. Well, due to our f'd up situation, I didn't get to my doctor until 19 weeks. I honestly think, though, that my OB thought we'd be getting bloodwork this morning. In the end, we got a script for the bloodwork and I am going tomorrow morning. The funny thing is that my OB called me to apologize this morning. I mean, he did kinda screw it up, but I did looked pissed this morning. We both did.

Anyway, we sent the pics of our little baby girl (or half-way to her) to the families and the d-man's mom called him almost crying. I got a voicemail too. Everyone was happy and I couldn't understand why. The d-man seems to think it's because it's the first time we really shared any of this with them. That's kinda true. Maybe this is the beginning of a new era.

you got me feeling emotion...

Okay so I never had any side effects from all the hormones I injected into my stomach and ass. I laughed at those weak women who couldn't handle their clomid, with their stories of crying and yelling at their husbands. Mere child's play. I therefore, assumed that my own hormones would not cause me any issues. I now think I may have been wrong with that.

Of course, I will need support from the d-man with this, even though I do know that lately I have been both a bit overly dramatic and maybe well, sad. The odd thing is that I've been getting upset about going through the whole IVF thing. I am going back to pity and it probably mixes with fear a little bit, but first I was crying because I couldn't get pregnant and now I am crying because I could? What the hell?

The other thing is my reaction to things. Normally I'd be pissed off or upset and now it's just enhanced. I don't think d-man really gets it, but he's beginning to. Well, crying in front of him helps. NOT doing it to be manipulative, I swear. I couldn't not do it and it felt like it was justified. That's kinda what bothers me a bit.

SO, this gets worse, right? sweet.