Okay, so this posting has to be about my experience with breastfeeding because that is really the only issue right now. When the baby cries, it's one of three things...diaper, burp, or feed. I think we have that down. It's just, it's the feeding thing that has made me a crazy mess for the past two weeks.
First of all, she lost weight from the freak out visit to the doc to her next visit four days later--four ounces, which to us seemed exponential. We were assured at the doc to keep trying to breastfeed, that we were doing okay, not to give up, blah blah blah. SO, we went home that night and she cried...and cried and cried bloody murder. Which made me cry and cry, and d-man was on the verge. So, we gave her formula because I tried to feed her for like two hours and there was nothing in there to give! She slept, she was good. She was fed. I called the lactation consultant the following day.
I knew that breastfeeding was going to be a challenge for me. We had talked about it. BUT, my challenge was going to be feeding her as often as I had to, pumping at work and storing milk. I hadn't even imagined that there could be something else, like not having enough. The books say that it is common to think that you don't have enough milk. In fact, the nurse at the pediatrician, friends, sisters of friends, my MIL, everyone said that my milk would come in and I'd feel it. I have yet to feel anything but a couple of hard spots, I guess you could say. I have also read that PCOS who have babies have like a 33% chance of having a low milk supply. That's a lot, I think. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't relate to me. I read too much about normal people...ever since the pregnancy became normal, I forgot that I wasn't. Well, it's come back with a vengeance now. Of course, I don't REALLY know if that is what is causing this, but it's a pretty good guess.
So, anyway...we met with the lactation consultant (LC) the day before she turned two weeks. She looked at the baby, at her latch, at how I was feeding her, etc. She dismissed the doctors, of course, and gave us a plan. I was to supplement (already was, of course), but with breastmilk if I had it, formula, if I didn't. I was then supposed to nurse her and then pump to get the milk supply to come in or up. SO, every 2-3 hours I gave her some breastmilk, nursed as long as she would, give her more supplement, then pump with a hospital grade pump. We rented the pump ($150), paid the LC ($130), bought organic formula and went for it. By we, I mean really me....
At first, I bawled my eyes out while pumping. I kept thinking how worried I was about other people (re:MIL) not watching out for her by putting her in the sun too much or if other people were manhandling her....but then I sat there thinking how I was the one hurting her. It was rough, and I am sure my raging hormones didn't help anything. Poor d-man didn't know what to do. Then, as the week progressed...and my mom came out to help...it was more disappointment than anything else. I was getting an ounce or a bit more each time-from both breasts with a super pump. It was 8-10 ounces, which WAS a third of her food at least, but the pumping with this thing hurts and doing it so much is really grading on me.
I talked to the LC throughout the week and she came by a week later to see how things were. Well, the baby DID gain 10 ounces and was almost to her birthweight at her two week appointment. We were super excited about that. So, now the baby was fine. I wasn't, but she was so that made us able to exhale a bit. At the meeting with the LC, she agreed that I probably wasn't going to make much more. I could try drugs. I was already taking herbs, but the drugs scare me a bit. D-man was on these same drugs for what they are FDA approved for (gastro issues) and I was debating using them for what the side-effect is (milk production). Would that have worked? I don't know. For some it does, for some it doesn't. No way to tell about the future effects on the baby....and I really don't want to take that chance. That being the case, we've decided to stop.
It was hard, but at the same time, not really. I feel confident about our decision, even though I know d-man really wanted her to be nursed for six months. I wanted to do what was best for her, but I really think that I am now. I mean if I am struggling, she'll know that. She is getting six weeks (after a long weaning) of breastmilk at some level. I'm still upset about it, but in the grand scheme of things, it's okay. I was formula-fed and I think I turned out pretty well. We are getting the good organic formula and she seems to be fine taking it.
Part of this is the overwhelming pressure I feel from everyone...books, relatives, friends..to nurse. I worry that people will think I am not doing enough because, yes, there is more I could try. The LC is supportive because she knows what it is like to pump all the time. I was never really excited to be pumping the little I thought I was going to so this is tough. I need to get over it. I know people are trying to be helpful by offering advice of my next step, but moving on to formula feeding IS our next step. I've also read that a happy mommy=a happy baby and I believe that as well. I will always feel like I failed, like my body again didn't do what it was supposed to, but again, we have a healthy baby, and that's all that matters.
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