back to reality...

So perhaps I’ve been getting off topic, lately. That’s a good thing because it means that everything is moving along how it is supposed to. Even the doctor continually says I am having a boring pregnancy. My girth was larger but my weight even stayed the same (which is good since it is not where I want it to be). Well, things have come crashing down for a friend of mine and it just brings home how fragile all of this actually is.

She is one of my best infertile friends. She goes, or went to Dr God, too and thought he was the same arrogant doc that I do. We still talk about it. Anyway, about 23 weeks ago, she got pregnant—the normal way. This, after 5 years of trying, miscarriages, doctors, etc. So, I did mention that at her 20 week ultrasound they found out that the baby had a cleft palate. She had an amnio and through that all of the other “bad” stuff was ruled out—the chromosomal stuff. Yesterday, they met with specialists and had more tests and more ultrasounds and found out it was a lot worse—hole in his heart, brain damage, etc. They are terminating the pregnancy at this point.

I know she is devastated and I found out through a facebook message to a select few what happened. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean, is she going to not want to see me because I am 32 weeks and doing well? Should I stay away or should I try to get together? I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now, and to be honest, I’m scared to think about it. I mean, I feel awful, but I don’t want to think about it, I want to focus on me, but that’s being an awful friend, I know. It really brings up what can happen and scares the hell out of me. Until I see my baby, I won’t be settled with this pregnancy, and then I am sure I’ll worry about SIDS or something constantly. I haven’t been able to relax this whole time, and now seeing how unfair it all can be…again…it’s pretty intense.

I will get over my issues for her sake and at least let her know that I am here if she needs me, but honestly, she may not want to see me for a while. I totally understand... but I really hope that in some way that isn't what I want.