So, I've been going to a support group since January, with a month off in July, where I quickly had my many car accidents and the frustrating trip with my girlfriends (sign not to leave, I suppose). Today I found out I needed to pay for a day I didn't attend group and well, I got pissed off at the group leader. Then, my two group friends both decided they were leaving (one because she's pregnant--not the best for an infertility support group, and the other because she is moving on to adoption). Then, I found out there were four people joining today. I don't feel like telling my story again and hearing everyone's new story. I think I'm done with that--for a while anyway.
I have my group friends, my other friends, the d-man, to get me through the two-week wait. I am sure that will be cool! I feel good about that. Plus, I don't feel like paying for it so I figured this was a good decision for so many reasons....I feel like I am approaching the end of my infertility hell. I am at least better equipped to deal with all of it.
In other news, the PIO shot did NOT hurt tonight. Last night, I felt sick and almost passed out. Not only did it hurt, but the slow process of injecting it takes like 5 hours when it hurts and I started sweating, felt sick, the whole deal. The d-man has figured out that heating it IS important. I know if I felt nauseous that he definitely did. I now have one of those famous lumps....let's hope that doesn't continue.
See, I didn't have to share that with group! Writing about it is just as helpful...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
transferred!
Today we did the embryo transfer--3 day. I am sure it went well, it's very quick and you pretty much know if it gets messed up. I mean, I would assume....
So, the actual transfer goes like this...wheeled into the same room Dr. God did the retrieval in but the d-man was there with me, and one of the nurses from the office. I had to have a full-ish bladder because they use ultrasound (the regular one) to watch them go in. The embryologist hands them to the doc, he shoots them in via catheter (watching the screen) and hands the tube back to the embryologist (who is in the lab through a window). She makes sure it's clear and I am sent back to the recovery room to wait it out, on an angle, for 45 minutes.
Here's the odd parts of this process....and I believe that it started with the retrieval.
I, or we, were not alone. This is of course, a good thing. But kinda weird in a way. There were two other couples having the retrieval last Friday and we were all in the recovery room together. It was like we were all connected, in a strange way, even though I don't know them or anything. Then this morning, all of us were there again, in the same order. It's not like we all chatted or anything, but the awkward connection is still bizarre.
So, I had my full-ish bladder when I got to the office...it quickly turned to way too full. The nurse said I could pee, try to keep some in there if I could, but not to worry if I couldn't. I did my best. I was rolled on in and when she began to do the ultrasound, she made some kind of comment indicating that I will probably have to go again soon...so, when I went back to wait it out, I had to go, and bad. I waited until the third woman was back in and grabbed the nurse for the bedpan. Needless to say, she was NOT surprised, but very cool about it. I probably shouldn't dwell on the pee thing, since when this friggin works, I'll be doing it a lot.
So, we transferred in three embryos, and two looked amazing, according to Dr. God. He came in and said he only wanted to do two, since two looked so great. BUT, then we asked about last time and he didn't remember what we did last time. So, we had him look at the file, and he went with the three. The d-man is NOT into Dr. God, and I am not sure I am a fan, either. If we do this again, we will probably be doing it in another office. BUT, the best of the embryos looked textbook, the second one looked great, too, and I don't know about the third one. I am glad we got three in there---ups the chances, obviously.
Now it really is a two week wait.
So, the actual transfer goes like this...wheeled into the same room Dr. God did the retrieval in but the d-man was there with me, and one of the nurses from the office. I had to have a full-ish bladder because they use ultrasound (the regular one) to watch them go in. The embryologist hands them to the doc, he shoots them in via catheter (watching the screen) and hands the tube back to the embryologist (who is in the lab through a window). She makes sure it's clear and I am sent back to the recovery room to wait it out, on an angle, for 45 minutes.
Here's the odd parts of this process....and I believe that it started with the retrieval.
I, or we, were not alone. This is of course, a good thing. But kinda weird in a way. There were two other couples having the retrieval last Friday and we were all in the recovery room together. It was like we were all connected, in a strange way, even though I don't know them or anything. Then this morning, all of us were there again, in the same order. It's not like we all chatted or anything, but the awkward connection is still bizarre.
So, I had my full-ish bladder when I got to the office...it quickly turned to way too full. The nurse said I could pee, try to keep some in there if I could, but not to worry if I couldn't. I did my best. I was rolled on in and when she began to do the ultrasound, she made some kind of comment indicating that I will probably have to go again soon...so, when I went back to wait it out, I had to go, and bad. I waited until the third woman was back in and grabbed the nurse for the bedpan. Needless to say, she was NOT surprised, but very cool about it. I probably shouldn't dwell on the pee thing, since when this friggin works, I'll be doing it a lot.
So, we transferred in three embryos, and two looked amazing, according to Dr. God. He came in and said he only wanted to do two, since two looked so great. BUT, then we asked about last time and he didn't remember what we did last time. So, we had him look at the file, and he went with the three. The d-man is NOT into Dr. God, and I am not sure I am a fan, either. If we do this again, we will probably be doing it in another office. BUT, the best of the embryos looked textbook, the second one looked great, too, and I don't know about the third one. I am glad we got three in there---ups the chances, obviously.
Now it really is a two week wait.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
oooooohhhhkay. deep breath...GROW
Well, I kept waking up this morning--early, waiting for the phone to ring with the fertilization report. I was thinking that if it was too late, it would be bad news, and I'd lose it before going to work! Got the call around 8, and all 10 were mature (I guess I did the shots right) and seven fertilized. Shit. I really wanted more. Last time we also had seven and then it was down to five and then only the two we transferred...
So, I am not sure if I am disappointed or not, oddly. I mean, I am because I really wanted some to freeze (and technically could still have like four) and this maxes out at now two chances. But I know it is better than a lot of women out there and I really believe the eggs, and hopefully the sperm, are good.
So, I am not sure if I am disappointed or not, oddly. I mean, I am because I really wanted some to freeze (and technically could still have like four) and this maxes out at now two chances. But I know it is better than a lot of women out there and I really believe the eggs, and hopefully the sperm, are good.
They ICSI'd (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) all of them. That means they injected the egg with one sperm--picked it out on purpose since some of them are shaped funny. I guess they didn't pick well on three of them, or sometimes it just doesn't happen, I don't know.
Now we wait again....24 hours, for the next call. It's out of my hands now, not that it hasn't been the whole time, but for real now. We should transfer on Monday and then we wait for two weeks! Seems so easy....hahahaha
Now we wait again....24 hours, for the next call. It's out of my hands now, not that it hasn't been the whole time, but for real now. We should transfer on Monday and then we wait for two weeks! Seems so easy....hahahaha
Friday, August 27, 2010
PIO shots! yeah
This isn't one of those blog posts that gives tips on how to make this awful shot work, just that we did it tonight for the first time (of three months, hopefully) and it wasn't so bad! It didn't hurt and none of the after effects.
So, what is a PIO injection? Well, progesterone, from what I understand, is necessary to keep a pregnancy and under normal conditions, the body produces it. Not so, since I have totally controlled my cycle with the drugs, and injected all my hormones. So, this is the next one to be injected. If I get pregnant, I need to continue with these injections until the second trimester.
Why is it awful? Hmmmm, well, it goes in my ass (or hip, if you want to lie about that) and PIO stands for progesterone in oil. Yes, it is in friggin oil! I asked the nurse once why and she said, "don't know, ask the pharmacist." Okay....so, it's mostly peanut oil I have read. The thing is the oil makes it go in REALLY slow, so once you actually get it in your ass (and the d-man typically is the one to do this), check to see you haven't hit a blood vessel, and start injecting it, it takes like 45 seconds to get it all in. This doesn't really hurt, but it is going in my muscle. Last time, I sadly only did this for two weeks and it was like I pulled my ass. Better than a hammy, but really. Also, I have heard that the oil can essentially coagulate in there an become lumpy, and THAT can be painful.
The nurse didn't initially call it the worst shot ever for nothing! But, if this works, it's the best shot ever....
So, what is a PIO injection? Well, progesterone, from what I understand, is necessary to keep a pregnancy and under normal conditions, the body produces it. Not so, since I have totally controlled my cycle with the drugs, and injected all my hormones. So, this is the next one to be injected. If I get pregnant, I need to continue with these injections until the second trimester.
Why is it awful? Hmmmm, well, it goes in my ass (or hip, if you want to lie about that) and PIO stands for progesterone in oil. Yes, it is in friggin oil! I asked the nurse once why and she said, "don't know, ask the pharmacist." Okay....so, it's mostly peanut oil I have read. The thing is the oil makes it go in REALLY slow, so once you actually get it in your ass (and the d-man typically is the one to do this), check to see you haven't hit a blood vessel, and start injecting it, it takes like 45 seconds to get it all in. This doesn't really hurt, but it is going in my muscle. Last time, I sadly only did this for two weeks and it was like I pulled my ass. Better than a hammy, but really. Also, I have heard that the oil can essentially coagulate in there an become lumpy, and THAT can be painful.
The nurse didn't initially call it the worst shot ever for nothing! But, if this works, it's the best shot ever....
Retrieval Day!
Two and a half hours ago I was having my eggs sucked out. Now I am chilling on the couch. I stopped icing my swollen hand (from IV) so I could give an update. He got 10. I am a bit disappointed because he did say there could be 15 in there and we REALLY need to freeze some embryos. Last time we also got 10 and 7 fertilized, we put in two and the rest didn't make it...hence IVF #2.
The d-man was pretty disappointed in the recovery room but he is making an effort to be super positive at this point. As am I.
So, how was it? Well....I went down there with two other women who were doing the same thing. I put the gown on, got the hot towels on and talked with the anesthesia team. Of course my father-in-law stopped by, since he is also an anesthesiologist and wished me well! Once the IV was in the nurse asked if I had any questions for Dr. God, and if not she'd give me something to take the edge off. I opted for the drugs! yeah!!! It was fast, it only takes 20 minutes and I was the usual groggy coming out of it. I was initially not happy with 10, but Dr. God, as always, was pleased. Saw my father-in-law again after and the d-man of course and waited with the other women as they went in one after the other. Crazy how many people are doing this. They were nice. There is a solidarity among the fertility challenged-especially when it comes to this point, I think. I left once I was able to walk around and that's really it.
I'm in a little pain, not too bad, like cramps, which I guess they are, go figure. I plan to relax and read. I have some work to do but nothing too crazy. I'm on some antibiotics and plan to get lots of yogurt in me too.
Perhaps I'll make it outside to read. That counts as bedrest, I'm sure.
Update on the embryos tomorrow morning. I'm nervous but it's out of my hands now...
PIO shots tonight. I'll update on that for sure!
The d-man was pretty disappointed in the recovery room but he is making an effort to be super positive at this point. As am I.
So, how was it? Well....I went down there with two other women who were doing the same thing. I put the gown on, got the hot towels on and talked with the anesthesia team. Of course my father-in-law stopped by, since he is also an anesthesiologist and wished me well! Once the IV was in the nurse asked if I had any questions for Dr. God, and if not she'd give me something to take the edge off. I opted for the drugs! yeah!!! It was fast, it only takes 20 minutes and I was the usual groggy coming out of it. I was initially not happy with 10, but Dr. God, as always, was pleased. Saw my father-in-law again after and the d-man of course and waited with the other women as they went in one after the other. Crazy how many people are doing this. They were nice. There is a solidarity among the fertility challenged-especially when it comes to this point, I think. I left once I was able to walk around and that's really it.
I'm in a little pain, not too bad, like cramps, which I guess they are, go figure. I plan to relax and read. I have some work to do but nothing too crazy. I'm on some antibiotics and plan to get lots of yogurt in me too.
Perhaps I'll make it outside to read. That counts as bedrest, I'm sure.
Update on the embryos tomorrow morning. I'm nervous but it's out of my hands now...
PIO shots tonight. I'll update on that for sure!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Butter or Bravelle?
So yesterday was our anniversary. It was somewhat anticlimactic considering we are in the middle of stims. That, and we can't afford anything. We got each other t-shirts (the second is the cotton anniversary). We DID, however go to an overpriced restaurant that I wanted to try. When I say too much butter, that's an understatement. It was ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but wow. I felt totally bloated and gross the rest of the night. I still feel that way. I can't imagine that the butter is still affecting me so I am going to say that it has to be the Bravelle.
I went in for bloodwork and an unltrasound yesterday and will go back tomorrow. They said that I'd feel worse in the next few days (yep) and that the trigger would be Wednesday and the retrieval would be Friday. Thank GOD! Work-wise, any other day would have been bad (so I hope things don't change tomorrow). I'm feeling like I just want Friday to get here...not sure if the bloat will go away, it's due to my now 15 follicles, but here we go!
I went in for bloodwork and an unltrasound yesterday and will go back tomorrow. They said that I'd feel worse in the next few days (yep) and that the trigger would be Wednesday and the retrieval would be Friday. Thank GOD! Work-wise, any other day would have been bad (so I hope things don't change tomorrow). I'm feeling like I just want Friday to get here...not sure if the bloat will go away, it's due to my now 15 follicles, but here we go!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
still stimming.....
I can't believe that I am giving myself another shot of Bravelle tonight. I mean, I've been at this for almost two weeks! I guess I am getting antsy. I am definitely better at mixing it and injecting it at this point, though I still always have that small hesitation and "I can't believe I am sticking a needle in my stomach" moment.
Dr. God said the 11 or so follicles I have look good, that's what he wants. The D-man swears that Dr. God had said he wanted more when we first talked about this round, but I don't know. They all look the same size, which is good, and they are growing bigger. I'm so worried about none to freeze. I realize the frosties as they call them, is a back up plan, but just having that is nice...they could also be siblings!
I think I am starting to feel something...not softball sized ovaries or anything but something. I wonder if that's in my head, since the doc said I'd probably feel it by the next appointment (tomorrow morning).
So...Wed..or thursday, or friday.....which conflicts with work of course, but it's gonna happen again here. It's bizarre, so freaking bizarre, to even have to do this, but I'm all in. I feel different, seasoned or something, but still scared out of my mind. I have to trust, even though Dr. God is way full of himself. So, here I am, ready to shoot up again tonight, and see where the week goes!
Dr. God said the 11 or so follicles I have look good, that's what he wants. The D-man swears that Dr. God had said he wanted more when we first talked about this round, but I don't know. They all look the same size, which is good, and they are growing bigger. I'm so worried about none to freeze. I realize the frosties as they call them, is a back up plan, but just having that is nice...they could also be siblings!
I think I am starting to feel something...not softball sized ovaries or anything but something. I wonder if that's in my head, since the doc said I'd probably feel it by the next appointment (tomorrow morning).
So...Wed..or thursday, or friday.....which conflicts with work of course, but it's gonna happen again here. It's bizarre, so freaking bizarre, to even have to do this, but I'm all in. I feel different, seasoned or something, but still scared out of my mind. I have to trust, even though Dr. God is way full of himself. So, here I am, ready to shoot up again tonight, and see where the week goes!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
my new friends...
So, I had dinner with one of my infertile friends tonight. How awful does that sound? I've got categories of friends now. I mean I've had the "high school friends" and the "college friends" and the "work friends" and whatever but now the categories are the supportive friends, the not supportive friends and the infertile friends. Thank god for some support, and damn the not supportive friends but the infertiles, that's a whole new type. Our connection? Obviously, infertility, going through treatments, understanding getting upset when seeing a baby..
So, it's a new type of connection, we can talk about all things infertility and not hold back because we wonder what someone will think or if it will offend someone. It was the beginning of the friendship and only after hanging out some do we really learn that we have absolutely nothing else in common, and that's totally fine! It's actually nice to venture out.
The big hope and also the big fear is when one of us gets (and stays) pregnant. Do we stay friends? How does it work? The infertile friend I ate with tonight actually got a positive the other day. I see that as hopeful. There is no jealousy there, more respect for going through IVF and landing on the other side.
Only time will tell how the infertile relationships go, and also if I can remain friends with the "non-supporters" who were once some of my best friends.
I truly believe that some people enter your life at certain times to help you through things. Perhaps there are also people who just aren't supposed to be there for you, but don't go away. I don't know...it's all too deep! I do know that support is there, just the form at times changes.
So, it's a new type of connection, we can talk about all things infertility and not hold back because we wonder what someone will think or if it will offend someone. It was the beginning of the friendship and only after hanging out some do we really learn that we have absolutely nothing else in common, and that's totally fine! It's actually nice to venture out.
The big hope and also the big fear is when one of us gets (and stays) pregnant. Do we stay friends? How does it work? The infertile friend I ate with tonight actually got a positive the other day. I see that as hopeful. There is no jealousy there, more respect for going through IVF and landing on the other side.
Only time will tell how the infertile relationships go, and also if I can remain friends with the "non-supporters" who were once some of my best friends.
I truly believe that some people enter your life at certain times to help you through things. Perhaps there are also people who just aren't supposed to be there for you, but don't go away. I don't know...it's all too deep! I do know that support is there, just the form at times changes.
Monday, August 16, 2010
stims day # 7
Okay, it's been a week and I don't yet feel any different. Last time I was totally bloated around this time and when they told me not to work out, I was actually okay with it. Now I am just....grrrr. The mixing of the new drugs gives me anxiety. But I am also anxious that things aren't progressing?? I mean, I was on the Lupron Depot so I wouldn't start with too many follicles. I guess that's what this feels like. He did say my lining was thin...I don't like to hear that. Got an appointment tomorrow so more on that later!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I didn't go to nursing school!!!!
I am not a nurse, not a doctor, not a heroin addict. So, when I freak out about giving myself an injection, I'd say that's pretty normal. The last time I did IVF, the drugs were all pre-mixed. Well, one wasn't but that was one night and to be honest, the d-man did it because it was the trigger shot.
This time I am using Bravelle, which has to be mixed. It's in powder form and you mix it with sodium chloride. At first I thought that was difficult enough. I had to suck out the water right, inject it into the powder, then move half of that mixture to another powder because my dose was all crazy. I figured I had that down tonight, but there were bubbles in the syringe. and I somehow got some of it to shoot out onto the counter. Rather than going crazy, I depressed the syringe and shot it all out into the sink. This cost about $300. Plus I probably put some local kids into early puberty but I didn't know what else to do.
Try number two......I started out much better, slower. I injected the now half mix into the new powder and the dose was perfect. However, when I tried to pull it back into the new syringe (must have all new everything so nothing gets contaminated, right?)there was another friggin air bubble. Only this one seemed much worse. I tapped and tapped, and TAPPED the damn thing but nothing was happening. It was like an air pocket. I put it down and started to freak out a bit.
I called a friend of mine and convinced myself it was a vacuum and not air.
I went back and started to inject it, just up until the air bubble. I stopped and took it out. AND noticed I only actually injected like half of it, maybe a bit more, I don't know. I was bleeding, too, of course. of COURSE! There goes another $150 and some poor girls childhood.
The fact that this is something I have to do is f'ing nuts! I'll be a patient but being the nurse too is not cool. ugh, it amazes me how I can endure shots, since I used to be afraid of needles but now I am more upset about reconstitution of drugs and doing the injections. Funny how things change....stay tuned.
This time I am using Bravelle, which has to be mixed. It's in powder form and you mix it with sodium chloride. At first I thought that was difficult enough. I had to suck out the water right, inject it into the powder, then move half of that mixture to another powder because my dose was all crazy. I figured I had that down tonight, but there were bubbles in the syringe. and I somehow got some of it to shoot out onto the counter. Rather than going crazy, I depressed the syringe and shot it all out into the sink. This cost about $300. Plus I probably put some local kids into early puberty but I didn't know what else to do.
Try number two......I started out much better, slower. I injected the now half mix into the new powder and the dose was perfect. However, when I tried to pull it back into the new syringe (must have all new everything so nothing gets contaminated, right?)there was another friggin air bubble. Only this one seemed much worse. I tapped and tapped, and TAPPED the damn thing but nothing was happening. It was like an air pocket. I put it down and started to freak out a bit.
I called a friend of mine and convinced myself it was a vacuum and not air.
I went back and started to inject it, just up until the air bubble. I stopped and took it out. AND noticed I only actually injected like half of it, maybe a bit more, I don't know. I was bleeding, too, of course. of COURSE! There goes another $150 and some poor girls childhood.
The fact that this is something I have to do is f'ing nuts! I'll be a patient but being the nurse too is not cool. ugh, it amazes me how I can endure shots, since I used to be afraid of needles but now I am more upset about reconstitution of drugs and doing the injections. Funny how things change....stay tuned.
my personal babymoon
I've been talking about this vacation for a while so I should mention it, right? In the past month I've had two car accidents, major ongoing drama with the insurance company, a failed reunion with high school "friends," a finding of nodules on my thyroid (turned out okay), and another work pregnancy announcement.
BUT, the six days and five nights I was in the Dominican Republic were awe...sommmme. It was like the other stuff wasn't even happening. Oh, sure there were at least two pregnant staff and I saw like five or six babymooners, but that DIDN'T EVEN MATTER!! We actually JOKED about it!!! ha!
We spent our days on the beach with someone coming to our cabana every 25-30 minutes asking us what kind of drink we wanted. We played tennis, hit the gym, sailed a bit, went horseback riding, swam, had romantic evenings beginning with dinner....it put our honeymoon to shame. That, my friends, was a vacation!
Reality has hit hard, but I have the memories!!!
We have started stims....here we go!
BUT, the six days and five nights I was in the Dominican Republic were awe...sommmme. It was like the other stuff wasn't even happening. Oh, sure there were at least two pregnant staff and I saw like five or six babymooners, but that DIDN'T EVEN MATTER!! We actually JOKED about it!!! ha!
We spent our days on the beach with someone coming to our cabana every 25-30 minutes asking us what kind of drink we wanted. We played tennis, hit the gym, sailed a bit, went horseback riding, swam, had romantic evenings beginning with dinner....it put our honeymoon to shame. That, my friends, was a vacation!
Reality has hit hard, but I have the memories!!!
We have started stims....here we go!
worse than baby story?
There is a show called "Pregnant and..." Not sure if it's on Discovery or TLC or what but it's about odd situations like pregnant and in prison, pregnant and 3 foot 2, pregnant and a man, whatever. Are you f'ing kidding me? THESE people have no problem reproducing. How about NOT pregnant and 33 and married with a stable income? Not as exciting, maybe???
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