interesting day at the office

So, I went in this morning feeling pretty fat. Oh, and looking pretty fat. Again, do I look pregnant? I don't know, but I am beginning to feel like I ate too much (oh yeah, Thanksgiving and 8 pieces of pie...). I am officially up 4 pounds since this all started, and 2 of those are from this past week I think!

Anyway, things were moving along quite well. I had lunch with my best work friend and told him I was pregnant. He was happy for me, so I felt better telling at least someone. Then I went to get something signed in the office of someone I see about once every three weeks or so. He's a talker and I tend to get stuck there for about 45 minutes or so. This time, as I was listening to another story about Miami's football team, I started to feel odd, like kind of sick and all I could think was that I needed to get out of there. Then I got super dizzy and told the talker I needed to sit. My hearing got odd, like the volume was turned down or something. Eventually, I felt better but for a few minutes I thought I was going to pass out. ugh....so I have read that dizziness is somewhat common right now, but I am not a fan.

I also told my boss. He was happy for me. I knew he wouldn't be the issue, it's more the secretaries that I am dreading finding out. They constantly barrage pregnant women and I literally share the suite with them so it should be interesting....

Tis the season for germs and looking fat

So, first of all let me just say that I have gained one or two pounds depending on when I weigh myself. I'm not happy about that and I attribute that to birthdays at the office and not going to the gym for three months. I was bloated with hormones, then when I got to stop injecting them, I was good for a week, and now I am friggin bloated again! I don't look pregnant, I look fat. No question about it. And let me tell you, I wasn't thin to begin with. I'd be fine except I have to accept that people at work think I have let myself go, or that's how I see it. I am wondering when this whole belly thing happens, and I PRAY that I can stay sort of fit otherwise...of course I have heard horror stories of other swollen body parts.

Now, just as I got the go ahead to work out, I also got an annoying cough, post-nasal drip, and lots of mucus. I was waiting for it to clear up while I was unable to fall asleep or feel good enough to go anywhere in the morning, and well, it didn't. I called Dr. God's office and the nurse said I could take cold meds and cough drops. I guess that's good, but it didn't do much so I called my GP. I am on Amoxicillin now but who knows how long this will last. Last night I was hacking so hard I made myself throw up. That may be TMI, worse that you all knowing how many times I've had an ultrasound wand up my vagina. Even worse than that, though, is that the d-man got seriously ill last night. Came out of nowhere! Diarrhea, vomiting, now a fever. It's like someone up there really wants us to practice abstinence. His comment this morning was "how can I be a father if I am always sick?" Um, I think everyone is sick once in a while, dude.

Of course we are headed three hours away to see family and friends for Thanksgiving...so let's hope he can fight this off. Let's hope my antibiotics work! I did get to tell my GP that I was pregnant. He knew about the whole IVF thing so I think he was happy about that. He is NOT the Dr. God type.

Well, anyway, here's to health and us finding it! This trip could be quite interesting...

Graduation Day!

So today was officially our last appointment with Dr. God. The ultrasound looked good..we got to see how the 90 thousand dollar machine transformed our little fetus into a 3 dimensional cute little alien. I'd like to think that we paid for some of that.

So, the visit was very lighthearted. Dr. God was joking around with the nurse. When we said that the NT scan looked good on the screen, he of course said that he'd been checking the whole time so he already knew that (right). Toward the end he asked us if we wanted to know the sex. Now, the sonographer during the NT scan said that Dr. God tends to do that and is right about 50% of the time..okay... So, anyway, he showed us why and that he thought it was a girl. After he left the room, the nurse said not to bank on that, that she thinks it may be a boy, that he just likes to guess. So, after all that, it's about a 50/50 chance it's a girl, or a boy.

I have this fear that if it's a girl, someone will take our chosen name. I do know eight people who are due before us (seems like a bunch) and I am almost wondering if I should tell everyone that they can't use our name. Stay away from H!

Anyway, the nurses wished us well and said to stop by to show off the belly. I don't think I really want to do that to the infertiles in the waiting room. Maybe....

So, now we have like 2 months before the next appointment. Are you kidding me?!?! I guess that's normal but it seems crazy to me! I'm not even sure if I am supposed to call the doctor that Dr. God referred us to.

Well, I am super psyched to get to this point, but still nervous as hell, of course. We'll be telling the rest of the fam this worst kept secret we have. Then a whole new can of worms opens....

feeling sick and I hate the Duggars...

So, I stayed home today. My boss was out yesterday morning and I think whatever he had, I got....I also got a flu shot on Wednesday so my crappy immunity is to blame. No drugs? hmmm. I am sure if I was not pregnant or actually had something important to do at work, I'd go in, but since I have to work on Saturday, I am entitled. I may just forget to fill out my sick slip, too...

I am thinking cold that is deciding whether or not to turn into a full-on sinus infection, that I am prone to. I hope not. I'm okay with being sick but I do fear a fever. I've had lots of tea (decaf, since d-man fears me ingesting any caffeine) and I've been peeing like its my job. The coughing sucks but I'll live.

What I am dealing with is crappy daytime tv. I figure I should lay around all day. I actually thought of going to the gym, and in another situation, I would have but I'm proud that I am lounging. I did OnDemand some shows and I've been watching TLC most of the day. Now that I am more positive, I don't cry during Baby Story, so there's that, What Not to Wear, and Bringing Home Baby. I view all of that as research. (yes, I need some more professional clothes, too). There is a constant commercial about the Duggars grandchild's first birthday. That whole family and show is a huge slap in the face to anyone struggling to get pregnant, and now the friggin KID is having the 2nd grandchild...according to the commercial. Makes me want to puke. And I thought that part was over. I'm going to forever hate that damn show.

That's an ultrasound? But it's not in my vajay-jay?

Today was the NT testing and the ultrasound at the Antepartum Center. The d-man and I went in and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Oh my god, this was actually covered by insurance. We were asked who are doctor was. I stumbled a bit and said, "well, we don't actually have one, yet but we are seeing Dr. God right now." Okay, she said. Apparently Dr. God has been referring his patients to a specific doctor. I think that was who were were going to go to so we said, sure, that's him.

Anyway, after getting blood from my finger (I hate that), we went in and got a regular ultrasound. I looked at the nurse like why was she here? She kind of laughed and said all of Dr. God's patients expect a vaginal ultrasound. Well, it went pretty well, every measured how it was supposed to. The skin and fluid around the neck were normal, the size was right on, it was moving around. The blood test we'll get back soon. If it's normal, it's a letter, if not, we get a phone call. Now they did say that the other 6 week old embryo that's still kind of just in there may screw up the results a bit, but we'll just have to wait and see. D-man is all about the ultrasound and thinks we can't rely on the blood test but I don't know, I kind of want a clean bill of health.

So, I am feeling a bit better about this. We have an appointment for the 20 week scan. The one doctor said that will check for birth defects. He kept friggin saying that too. I'm looking at it as we get to see the sex. I can't believe it's not until January. UGH!

looking at it all....

So, I have been probably doing a disservice to some extent with my blog here. In an effort to be toned down and readable, I’ve focused on things that have happened, but not on how I felt about them. I was faced with this today, to figure out where my emotions were for the past few months and though I know how I have felt and what I have done, my knowing doesn’t explain my actions.

No, I haven’t done anything that crazy I don’t think. I’ve avoided people, told “white” lies, ignored things and events and haven’t been a friend for a while. I was hit with this by more than one person in the past few days and now that I am approaching myself again, I feel like I can go back to calling people on the phone, or listening to work issues over dinner. I did write that this experience may have changed my friendships because of me, and I think it has. I do think that I have the power to bring them back.

But that’s not the point of this post. I think it’s more of an account of what I’ve been going through. I wanted this blog to help people understand infertility and to be a place where I could vent. I think both are important.

From the beginning of this blog, I’ve been out of sorts emotionally. I was completely devastated by the news that the first IVF failed. I’d never cried like that in my life, and it was kind of overwhelming at first. BUT, I did realize the possibility of that and that we were ready to go again. I didn’t want to really share my disappointment because, well, I don’t do that. I hide my emotions from others (except d-man, he gets the brunt). That’s why I went right to therapy in January. I couldn’t let others know this was hard—so I had to tell perfect strangers. Now some of them aren’t strangers, and they are the most supportive.

If you read about everything that happened this summer, before we did the second round, you may be able to tell that it had quite an effect on me. I felt very alone when my friends didn’t really respond to an email I sent explaining what I was going through. Even before that, when I got reactions about infertility that weren’t supportive or they didn’t get it, I made the effort to avoid that person. I GET that some people can’t understand, or really just think it’s not that big of a deal. That actually prompted this blog idea. This also may be the first time that I have shared anything really traumatic in my life. I mean my good friends didn’t know my parents were divorced for years! I’ve always just moved on with my life. This summer, though, hit me kind of hard, I guess, and I went in to the cycle thinking it was me and d-man vs. the world. No one else.

The cycle part is the easy part. It’s like any medical treatment. I did the shots, which I had some problems with, but once I got the hang of it, I was fine. We got to the transfer and even the desperate waiting to see if any eggs fertilized wasn’t that bad. The two week wait was okay, because once I got the OHSS, I knew I was pregnant. At that point, I was dealing with looking six months pregnant and feeling seriously horrible. I wasn’t in group, couldn’t go out, had to work a lot and wasn’t enjoying much of anything. But it worked. I hated that people knew that already. That’s when the fear set in.

It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I mean, I’ve had my breakdowns about being infertile-usually alone, in the car, but that was shear self-pity. No question. Now I was scared about losing this pregnancy to an insane degree. One of my friends had said to me over the summer that she had a miscarriage so now she knew how I felt. Well, first of all, I haven’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know what that feels like, and she got pregnant two months after that. That isn’t possible for me. She was trying to relate and that made it harder. If I have a miscarriage, it throws us back to the beginning. All the infertility stuff comes rushing back. Not to mention, we can’t really afford to do it again right away. We spent 15 thousand dollars trying this. And unfortunately, a lot if it is about the money. Plus it was painful, time consuming, nerve-wracking, etc. Being pregnant is all those things, too, but that’s expected and normal. This is the most abnormal thing I have ever done.

The past eight weeks have been nothing like I have ever felt. I remember when the d-man was away and not answering his phone (because he was at dinner with friends and I knew that). I was a wreck, balling, for about two hours. I couldn’t fall asleep, and it was late. I couldn’t talk to d-man and I was alone. My reasoning for this breakdown? I hadn’t had morning sickness for two days. That’s when I took a mental health day from work and went in for an ultrasound. Also when Dr. God said I can’t handle this. I remember a few weeks ago trying to look up things on the babies r us website and I got so freaked out I started crying and shut down the computer. I don’t have an OB yet, have not bought one pregnancy book, and have no hint of anything baby in the apartment. It’s denial, yeah, but almost protection.

So, now that I feel a bit more confident about everything, I don’t know what to think. I’m kind of scared to even feel that way, I don’t want to jinx anything. The whole thing has fucked me up pretty bad, but I’ve always known it would be temporary. As the quote on my computer says, “It will work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end.”

Telling People....

So, I've put a lot of thought into when we would let people know that we are pregnant. Obviously, with the exception of the few who have been in the know and with us throughout the treatment already know but there are those who don't know anything about it, who know about it but don't know where we are, and those who know around when we did it and are waiting for news either way...

We've told all different groups already, though on a very small scale and kind of when it was "necessary." The reactions thus far have been kind of what I thought. So far, here's what we've gotten:

We've told the friends who knew the dates for everything. They weren't pushy in asking, they continue to be supportive and know we are still fragile. I think we made the right move with these people. There was only one instance where on of the d-man's friends wives was a little too excited and started talking about baby things and how I'll feel later, etc. I was sort of uncomfortable but it was at a point when npp's tell everyone anyway.

We were at a party with pretty significant drinking, okay college-level drinking games, of which I was the only one not participating. The d-man right away said, "K's not drinking since she's pregnant." Okay, well, cat was definitely out of the bag there. They were the d-man's friends and a few of them had babies as well. They were super happy and asked when and how I was and told us how excited they were. I actually really liked that. I wasn't totally scared, I was happy. None of them knew about IVF.

I told some of my friends today (the 12 week mark is tomorrow) and they were happy but one reaction was significantly annoying. It was a friend who I am not particularly close with, though since I am closer to the other friend who completed our threesome for brunch, I told them both. They know of IVF, but early on I stopped updating because I didn't get the "I understand" vibe from either of them. The reaction I got from the less closer one was that it didn't take as long as I thought, almost like a "see...." I feel like she kind of poo poo'd the whole IVF and infertility deal as not that significant. I know that's not an uncommon thing for those who haven't gone through it, but it's annoying to see it. It really shows how people just don't understand....

I know that there are some friends who will be annoyed that I have not yet told them, and that I will probably do it over email, but I don't care. Work will happen in a month or so. Not sure when I will start showing, but I think I should tell my boss and co-workers before our week-long winter break. I don't want to come back looking preggers if they don't know! I'm not too worried about work, other than our shitty FMLA and the non-paid maternity leave. (using all vacation days and hopefully whatever sick days I can)

We planned on telling the rest of the family (brothers and sisters) at Thanksgiving. We may do that beforehand (not much beforehand), I don't know. The parents will be told that they can now share....As you know my MIL is about to explode and my parents want to share too. That'll be nice.

So, I am not stressing about all of this at this point, but it's very interesting how it is playing out.

very funny....

I saw this somewhere else this morning and HAD to post it, just so I can go back. It's sickeningly true! Sadly, the Peach Pit isn't even mentioned....

http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies

Approaching hurdle that I put in front of myself

In case you were wondering, no issues with not going since the last one. I've been pretty diligent about getting to where I need to go, when I need to...go. So I figure more cranberry juice can't hurt me anyway, right?

Okay, so Monday is 12 weeks. That is a big day--off the progesterone shots (which terrifies me, even though NOT getting a shot in the ass every day sounds lovely), okay for sex, okay for gym (we'll see how those both work out) and if I was a "normal" pregnant person, or npp as one of my infertile friends so eloquently puts it, I'd be shouting from the rooftops and hitting Babies R Us! I'm not, of course, going to do that. In fact, I am now super worried for Wednesday.

We were given the option of doing the prenatal tests to see if you are at a higher than normal risk of chromosomal abnormalities (down's, etc) since we went through IVF. Usually women over 35 are asked if they want to. It's not like I'm 25, I'm 34, so it isn't a huge leap. From what I have read, it's a blood test and ultrasound where they check everything but specifically the skin around the fetus' neck area. If it is thick, there is a risk. This test does NOT indicate if the baby will be born with any problems, but if you are seen as high risk, you can opt for amniocentesis or another similar test.

So, now I am scared about this. We chose it, but I am worried to death. I wouldn't even have thought of it if I was a npp, but now I'm thinking bad eggs + bad sperm = bad chromosomes?? I don't know. Was the egg so bad? They picked the damn sperm. I tend to worry, if you haven't noticed. So far the ultrasounds have been a terrifying worry until I see the baby and then I am cool. Now I'll see the baby but there is something else that I can't see?? ugh. Well, we go in a week. Another long wait....

something else to worry about??

Okay, so I am sitting at the kitchen table drinking what looks like blood and tastes like shit. Why, you ask? Well, I'll just start from the beginning, and sorry if its TMI.

When I was significantly bloated, I was looking up all things OHSS. One thing said to worry if you couldn't pee. At one point, I had to go, but couldn't. Took a little perseverance and I got there, but that scared me. That only happened once, though so I didn't worry about it, especially since I knew it could happen. (not sure why, the whole OHSS thing is so beyond me).

Fast forward to this past weekend. I spent Saturday at the Rally to Restore Sanity in DC. I had like nothing to drink because going to the bathroom and getting back to my spot wasn't happening. SO, on the way home, about a 2.5 hour drive, we hit a rest stop. I had to pee like a racehorse, as they say. I went in there and nothing happened. I really freaked out. I was in there for a while and got as much out as I could. Then I went back to the car and got on the internet. SO, no blood in urine, check, no other pain, check, can it be a UTI? The d-man said to drink up and maybe I was just dehydrated. Seemed to be the case.

Monday...I drank a lot at work. On my way home I had to go, but hit the usual traffic. Once I got home, SAME DAMN THING. This upset me so I googled again! No other symptoms except that I really have to go and nothing happens, which is seriously uncomfortable. Again, I persevered. It has to be a bladder infection, or UTI, whatever, right? I always thought that happened after sex. Well, sex hasn't happened in THREE MONTHS (not a typo). What the hell? So, since I hate more issues with the doctor, I hit the grocery store. I grabbed two 32 ounce bottles of 100% organic cranberry juice with no sugar and nothing added to it. I brought it to the checkout--$8.99 a bottle! ugh. Can I add this to my taxes for medical expenses (already 17k plus)???

Well, I am HOPING this goes away or is nothing. I am trying to go whenever I get the slightest urge, which is interesting at work. I am drinking the expensive shitty cranberry juice. I did read the pregnancy can also cause a UTI. of course it does.