trying to figure out when/how I lost my friends

I don't feel alone, don't get me wrong. I've had times in my life when I didn't go out and felt like a total loser but that's long since past. I also feel like I have friends, but at the same time, I think that something has gone in my social abilities.

Admittedly, some of my friendships changed when I got married and moved to the suburbs. How could they not? I wasn't hitting the bars on a thursday night, taking a cab home and getting ready to do the same thing all weekend. Going out in the city takes considerably more effort now and when there is no attempt, for me, at meeting guys, it takes away some of the desire to get all decked out. I've always been low-maintenance but now it's more pronounced. SO, having said all of that, I don't see those friends that much, and in the three years since I moved, the groups have changed, there are a lot more (and seemingly younger) people who hang out that I don't know. When I do, I almost find myself talking to the married people (if there are any).

Wanting to have a baby changes things even further, and finding out that you can't GET pregnant (on your own, okay on OUR own) makes the commonality even less. I told my friends, but they can't relate. Even the married suburbanites can't relate to that! So I see that as another way that everything has changed with my friendships.

There is another thing that I don't pretend doesn't exist. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I have changed. I changed when I moved out here, I changed when I realized I wanted (we, sorry goose) to start a family, and I definitely changed when we were told that would be significantly difficult. I worry that I have changed so much that I won't be able to revitalize my friendships. Now it's the "let's get together for dinner...in the next four weeks" relationships that I worry are pretty much ending. I also worry about the long-standing friendships that I have had where I've been hurt by the reactions of my friends. Will I be able to overlook that, considering that they didn't know they were hurting me (and I know that)? Or can I continually say, "oh that's just her..." and believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell, I suppose.

I'm not saying that I don't have really good friendships, even now. I also know that I'll make friends in my life as it changes, or go back to others whose lives have moved ahead at a quicker pace than mine and I needed to "catch up" (or really just be into the same things--single people go out to meet other single people, people with kids do things with their kids). I guess I just worry that this whole experience has made me different, though I hope it's made me stronger and willing to accept things and people. I don't know. I've let things slide because I needed to. I've totally ignored people because I couldn't deal with them and their comments. I just really don't want that to bite me in the ass.

Like I said, we'll see what happens. I do think friends are hugely important, though, and I'll make sure that I always am one (even if I feel like I haven't been in the past year)

Okay, so I've been told that this post is whiny (thanks, d-man). Perhaps it is, must be the hormones, hahaha. I think that I am in a transition period...waiting and hoping and praying for the family to GET here, which would put us into that next level, if you will. But, the d-man makes a good point. I was never a party girl. I guess that maybe I feel even more distant from the city girls, but in all honesty, I'm okay with that.

one more RE visit...

We went to another ultrasound appointment this morning and I wasn't nervous (okay I was nervous before we went in there) or scared or crying! D-man wanted me to blog because he seems to think my blogs aren't positive, or I think that's what he is getting at. Anyway, Dr. God came in and shook the d-man's hand and I got the obligatory hug (we've moved to that at this point).

The ultrasound was good! We saw the big one and it actually looked like a baby, or well, a fetus. It was dancing, takes after d-man there, very similar styles. The cool factor was the technology considering it's like an inch long or whatever.

The other one is still there, which kind of isn't great, but it's smaller and going away so we aren't so worried about it. Also, my ovaries are half the size of a baseball! Sadly, that's good.

So after Dr. God left, the nurse was there to answer some questions. The d-man asked when we could be normal again. I translated that to when can we have sex? 12 weeks. Then I asked when can I go to the gym? 12 weeks...or no, I could go now, no wait, if I started bleeding due to the other one "vanishing" then I would freak out. She used those words...she's right and I didn't argue with it. SO, looks like some more walking and chastity for a couple weeks. The good news is the progesterone is almost done! After 12 weeks, that goes away too!

So, there's my positive blog!

the calming effect of a train...

I am feeling better lately. I mean, physically, was fine today, not sick but that's not what I mean. Obviously, I've been a headcase throughout the entire pregnancy. I think partly because we are approaching week 10 (and it officially becomes a fetus) and because I think my large ovaries are getting smaller (though I won't know for sure until Thursday) and there is something about double digits that is refreshing. BUT, the d-man and I did something to ease both of our nerves. We rented a fetal Doppler monitor.

I'd read about it on the many message boards, to calm nerves and give a piece of mind between ultrasounds (which I HEAR are not every week or every other week once I leave the RE). It wasn't me who brought it up, though. When the d-man was off windsurfing, he stayed at a guesthouse belonging to a woman who spent most of her life as a mid-wife (and a lot as a windsurfer). She suggested getting it soon, since it works at 8 weeks. She even said that we should record the heartbeat on our phones so we could play it when we needed to hear it.

So, we got online and found one for $20 a month. Why not? It came the other day and we busted it right out. We quickly found a heartbeat but it didn't sound like the train or galloping horses, like the book said. When we counted the beats per minute, it was like 86. That is NOT the 171 it was at the office. We thought it had to be the smaller one....or we were counting wrong. I wasn't that confident and I didn't know if this was helpful or not...

Well, this morning I decided to look into how we were doing this whole Doppler thing....the hint I found was to keep one hand on my pulse and feel that as I was looking for a heartbeat. So, d-man was out this morning and I tried again. For the first 10 minutes I kept finding that same heartbeat, my heartbeat. It was the same as my pulse. Not sure why I didn't think of this before. MY heartrate was about 86 bpm. hmmmm. I slowly moved the knob around right where they said and finally heard a train, no question about it. It was so fast it was hard to count. I counted somewhere between 28 and 29 beats in ten seconds. I used 28.5 and multiplied by 60. 171. exhale.....

The d-man wanted to hear so we tried again this afternoon. It took another 10 minutes but I found it. The d-man lit up. I lost the heartbeat when I tried to move around and get it "louder" to record it on d-man's phone, but we were both okay with that.

I am getting closer to excited and moving away from terrified. Not there yet....but this is nice!

meat for the holidays....

Not to worry, this isn't turning into a mother in law blog. If that were the case, I'd probably not let my husband read it! But I had to....we were over there yesterday (and I did get a question of when is my next doctor's appointment and am I going tomorrow?? I really want to experience this pregnancy thing on our own, but that's hard when the d-man caves so quickly)

Anyway...

So in the middle of dinner, my MIL says out of the blue, "I am thinking I am going to get practical Christmas gifts this year, instead of things no one really needs. I'd like to get you two meat from the butcher to freeze. You could clean out your freezer, and have different cuts of beef wrapped in paper." I didn't really know what to say, so I said that we didn't really have a large freezer. My FIL said we could keep it in their big freezer downstairs and come over when we wanted our meat. The d-man continued to take sips of his wine; I heard nothing from him. I later said I really hope we don't get meat for Christmas. We laughed at that one.

The conversation moved on from there, but I really hope I don't open a sirloin on Christmas morning.

okay.....I can relax for at least another 2 weeks

I went in and waited for what seemed like an hour (but wasn't) for Dr. God to come in. He asked why I had come in, if I was having any bleeding or anything. I said no, I was here because I wasn't having any symptoms. The nurse got that right away. Dr. God went on some diatribe about how I started with bad symptoms and was getting better, as opposed to other women (because of the OHSS, etc.) I think that's crap, because morning sickness seems pretty common to me.

Anyway, the small one still had a heartbeat, the big one went up to 171 bpm and looked good. The nurse and Dr. God said there may be another yolk sac in the smaller one. I'm so confused with all of that crap. Well, after he basically said I need to relax, something about not being able to handle it? WTF? He actually wondered what I was scared of ....um, losing the pregnancy you asshole!

Thankfully, I was able to talk to the nurse during a blood draw afterwards (for the screening tests) and she was a lot easier to talk to. She asked how the PIO shots were going and I said fine, that I had to do my own this weekend. She then said she didn't think she could do that herself. I guess I win? I said Dr. God calls me crazy every time I come in and she called me a nervous mother. hahaha.

So, at least I have today off of work. Mental health day...for sure.

feeling good, so I am headed to the doc

Okay, last night was bad. Didn't help matters that the d-man is out of town. This week was going pretty well, at least at the beginning. I had no doubt that I would make it to next Friday and the ultrasound. For some reason, the universe or god or something had other plans.

Yesterday I felt pretty much okay, meaning not really sick at all. I didn't think too much about it (though I freaked out a bit after lunch when I realized I had Mexican cheese). After work I went to the store and started to feel tired so I though that was okay but then once I got home I was totally fine. I got online and started messaging a friend who knows everything about what we've been through. I was telling her how scared I am and everything. She has a beautiful 18 month old daughter so I'm sure her perspective is different. She was trying to make me feel better saying that she was nervous her whole pregnancy but that she tried not to focus on what she couldn't control and whatever happened happened. I know that. I do, but there is so much more weight here. Our savings is gone, I am almost DONE giving myself daily injections, we've come so FAR. I tried to refocus and went to bed.

That's when things got bad. D-man was not answering his phone. I knew where he was--he's on a mini vacation windsurfing with his dad and they were hanging with the neighbors down in the outer banks. I've been there, doing the same thing. The thing is, I really needed him to answer his phone. I was losing it the longer I stayed awake and I made the mistake of googling "loss of morning sickness." This is a reoccurring theme on my blog, here, I know, but I read AGAIN how it could mean the end of it. I finally text'd my father in law and after midnight got a call from d-man. He didn't have his phone, he felt really bad (that wasn't my intention, I just really needed to talk to him). So, when he's not windsurfing, he's going to have the phone on him.

So, now it's 8:24 am. I've emailed work and said I am not coming in because I was sick all night (not an untruth) and still am. I am going in for an ultrasound at 10:15. I already feel better that I am at least doing that, but it's going to be a long couple of hours in any case.

just because I'm not puking, doesn't mean I am miscarrying...

And yet, I spent the day at work online (on my phone) looking up "morning sickness going away" to see what I am up against. I got the every pregnancy is different thing, but I still think that the more constantly one is sick, it seems better. Of course my mom had four kids and never had morning sickness. She also didn't pass on her fertility to me, now did she???

So, now I feel sick. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but it's more of a queasy feeling and I feel awful in bed, but a lot of that is the LARGE ovaries and trying to get comfortable.

I really wish I could think about having a baby, but I can't. I'm so scared to think about what the room will look like or even buying a pregnancy book (which is ironic as hell since I have about 11 infertility books....) I am ignoring not only my mother in law, but some friends who I know just want to gush about pregnancy (did I mention that I know of three fertiles and four infertiles other than me, who are pregnant right now?--not including the two at work) I know I am missing out but until I get to the second trimester at the earliest, I'm going to be pretty crazy....

I guess I should be sad but I'm calmer...

So, d-man and I went to see Dr. God yesterday for the almost 8 week ultrasound. After last weeks ridiculous I-don't-know-if-I-should-be-scared-or-not result, I was not going by myself and we set off for the 8am appointment together.

While in the waiting room, we saw a girl in tears hugging Dr. God (I call everyone a girl who looks my age, I say that because no one I have ever seen in the waiting room looks older than me) She left crying and we were called in next. The d-man was more nauseous than me yesterday, which is different.

We went in and the nurse I like set me up for the ultrasound. Dr. God came in and said hello and I of course said how nervous I was. He made a comment to d-man (who hates Dr. God) that he can't ever seem to calm me down. Really. Am I the ONLY crazy pregnant IVFer? I can't imagine that. So he showed us a fetus (not sure what stage we are in here) that looked, well, almost human, sort of. Saw the umbilical cord, heart beating (165 bpm) looked like a shape and not a black spot.... Then he showed us the other one, MUCH smaller and a heartbeat of 90 bpm. He basically said that one would be gone soon.

So, after trying not to get excited or think about ANYTHING related to raising a child, I am not sure what I feel about this. I did look at costs of raising twins and the risks of a twin pregnancy and the idea of doing this once was really nice. Now that I know one is pretty much dying, I am focusing on the good one. I feel like I have a better chance with one (doesn't make sense, I know) and that twins was insurance for just this circumstance. He said that women with PCOS (here we go again) tend to have "bad" embryos so he is glad we decided on three. {read about the transfer, if d-man didn't speak up, we wouldn't have even put three in!!!}

I'm still scared and probably won't tell people until the end of the year but the d-man says he went from hopeful to excited. getting there....slowly.....but surely

What do you REALLY think?

So, Robert Edwards, the inventor of IVF (I had no idea who that was a year ago) won the Nobel Prize for his and his colleague's scientific research and I guess invention?? Anyway, there are many reasons why it took 32 years, many seem to be acceptance and backlash related. Ethics, it seems, is a major issue when it comes to IVF. I find that when you are going through it, it doesn't feel like ethics, it feels like medical treatment.

Here is the article, not bad, gives you the facts, etc.... BUT, the comments are extremely hurtful and full of ignorance. I laugh off the Catholics; I'm in the process of finding a new denomination myself for this and many other reasons....but when people say things that are meant to be mean and evil, I just cringe. Read some of them:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/05/health/research/05nobel.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=robert%20edwards%20ivf&st=cse

Okay, so of the over 300 comments, not ALL are evil, some people struggling or sympathizing feel the need to fight back but I have to respond to some of it.

First of all, the argument that he shouldn't be celebrated for adding to an overpopulation problem...um, I feel like that problem is with the fertile people who have too many children or third world countries who don't have access to or knowledge of birth control. It doesn't have anything to do with sacrificing parents who put all they have into conceiving one or two children and usually end up pretty decent parents, I would assume.

The statement about how infertility is nature or God's way of controlling population and that those who are infertile were supposed to be that way. Well, my father and grandfather both had cancer--different kinds. My father is now cancer-free and my grandfather was with us for an extra ten years because they sought treatment. Was that out of God's plan? Should that science be banned because it isn't natural? No one would argue that.

The "why don't you just adopt--there a soooo many babies who need good homes" Well, in my admittedly minimal research, that's not true. It is way more expensive than IVF, unless you can foster to adopt. Just because someone is not prepared for a child with known emotional or physical issues, or wants a child with their own biology, doesn't make them bad. I think adoption is great, but it takes a special person to do it. Some agencies make sure you have come to terms with your infertility before they even let you begin the grueling process of adoption. There is also the issue of raising a child of another race/ethnicity, that may bring out some of the same asinine comments as these against IVF. Also, and I'll get off this because I really don't know it in detail, international adoption is increasingly difficult because countries either don't allow it or make it extremely difficult and expensive. "Just" adopting is huge.

The idea that IVF is for older women who are not fertile because of age or that it results in 6 children with CP is everywhere. The media perpetuates that one by highlighting the crazy people who are actually considered poor results (or crazy like octo-mom). Read my blog...if I was 24 and not 34, it would be the SAME ISSUE!!! We only put in three embryos because of said issues.....and we ain't having three.

SO! This is why I hesitate telling people. I was going to not worry once I had a successful live birth and tell the world what we did, but I am re-thinking that. I don't want my children ridiculed and looked down upon. It's rare that a disease or condition brings about a hateful attitude but it's out there.

"Don't Move That Chair!!!"

So, it was impossible to not share the dates of our IVF with our parents, especially my in-laws since my father-in-law is an anesthesiologist at the hospital I had my retrieval at. Totally fine, even though I keep things relatively quiet for the most part and when any of the ‘rents asked how things were going, a simple fine would suffice—during the cycle. Now things are getting tricky. My parents are fine, they live pretty far away from me and I can say that things are fine, and things are scary but I’m hanging in there. Then the conversation changes to baseball or the weather and all is well. My FIL is easy, too. I think because of the medical aspect of his life, he doesn’t pry and treats me the same as he did a year ago. I really appreciate that.

That brings us to my mother-in-law. (I’m sorry d-man, and if you don’t want to read on, I understand but I need to vent somewhere!)

I’ve always been completely different from my MIL, which is totally okay. She is a stay-at-home mom who is very much into typical girly-type things and will always have make-up on and look good. I drag myself home from work, immediately change into my sweats (I call them play clothes) and watch sportscenter or read. I’m not a complete tomboy, but I wonder if my PCOS plays a role in my lifestyle sometimes -read: testosterone levels!…but most of my friends are the same way so I'm thinking I'm cool.

So, since we found out that we were indeed positive (I use that p-word instead), I have been insanely scared and nervous. The last trip to Dr. God didn't help matters, but it's been difficult. I can't be happy right now because of that and although that does suck, it's the way it is. What makes it harder is my MIL and her reaction to all of this. This is going to sound nit-picky but she tends to look at me with this excited, caring-type of smile and I hate it. So, I don't really look at her and that's not good. She said at one point that this is the hardest secret that she's ever kept and I am truly worried that she has or will tell someone...it's almost as if she wants to tell people without telling them. We were out the other night at a dinner with 13 people for her birthday. The only people who "know" were me, d-man, FIL and her. At one point I went to move the table and chair and she was like "no, you can't touch that." Then she made a point to ask me if I wanted the ginger beer that they brought (everyone else had WINE)--from across the table. She asked if I could eat certain things (shellfish, etc) ALL in front of what seemed to me as many people as possible.

SO, do I think she's malicious? No. I just know that she doesn't understand where I am coming from. D-man said he had a long talk with her and she gets it now. That was before this party. Since then I have also gotten a text where she said I had a "glow"about me. THAT is the sweat on my brow from the insane nervousness. Then she asked if the saltines were helping because she gave me crackers....she thinks I am normal and there is nothing that I or d-man can say that will change that and it probably kills her as much as it does me. I am going to have to deal with it, though I can't avoid being around her forever (even alone). Well, hopefully in 33 or so weeks this will all be forgotten and I'll be complaining about how she keeps telling me how to raise my kid(s)!

Anyway, she is pushing me away more than bringing me close and I hope she gets it sooner than later.