a little anxious or friggin terrified? (and I really want Tom Cruise's ultrasound)

Okay, so today is the d-man's birthday. Mine was actually on Tuesday. It makes for a week of celebration. Since we are out of money, however, it consisted of small gifts and cheap dinners. Works for me. WELL...today was also the next ultrasound.

Last time I went in, Dr. God was afraid that there was either a third embryo (or whatever they are called at this point) or an ectopic in my ovary. He said he wasn't worried, but wanted to be sure. So, today I am 6 weeks 3 days. I went in for the ultrasound and the first thing he asks me is why am I always alone, meaning where is the d-man. I guess I never thought about that before...but not a big deal. He'll come next time.

Sooooo, here's what we sort of saw today, or what he told me/showed me. Dr. God confuses the hell out of me sometimes, but I think I have reason to be scared. He showed me one of the gestational sacs, but he said he couldn't see a heart beating....he said it could have been because it was close to the edge and turned an odd way, but I don't know. Then he showed the other heartbeat and did something to bring audio. It was pretty awesome. It was around 120 beats per minute, which I know is good. BUT, he said that he is concerned that there may be two yolk sacs in there and THAT would be very complicated. Then he talks about how if the one isn't growing, that we would just be down to one and that he thinks everything is okay. Okay, THEN he brings up how women with PCOS have a 50% chance of miscarriage. I wonder if that ever goes down? I think he said that to prepare me for the inevitable, but you know what?? It may be okay.

I'm worried about the friggin conjoined twin (okay, maybe that's a bit much). I've read about vanishing twin syndrome or worse, two in one amniotic sac, which has a 50% mortality rate. great. I was really nervous and upset this morning, but I'm thinking I feel like I am just going to wait and see. Dr. God couldn't really see things, he was guessing....I can't do anything about it, so we'll just wait and see. It's still so friggin EARLY!

This whole process is so crazy....I wish I could have an ultrasound everyday just to see it. THAT is why we aren't really sharing it with anyone. No one can understand why I am not yet happy..I'm scared. Gonna keep pluggin away.....

waiting for the fasten seatbelt sign to go off

Not to bring up the movie Say Anything again but it totally describes where I'm at right now. I mean, I haven't watched it in a long time and it isn't one I quote constantly like Ghostbusters or something (Where do these stairs go? They go up!). However, the last scene in that movie is my life right now. I'll describe, if I can. Lloyd Daubler and girl (Jennifer Connelly--see I haven't seen it in a while) are on a plane and it's a big step. She's never been on a plane before and she's pretty scared. Lloyd, who has the perfect thing to say throughout the movie, said that all she has to do is wait for the "fasten seat belt" light to go off, and when she hears a "ding," they are safe and on their way. It's pretty apropos for me right now.

So, we are 5 weeks 5 days. In some calculations, we'd be 6 weeks and a day, but Dr. God measures it from transfer day, not retrieval day. In any case, the time is moving insanely slow. I had another appointment yesterday and had a ultrasound. The cool thing, that I could even get excited about because I am probably more scared than Jennifer Connelly, is the little heartbeats that he showed me. I mean, the picture is hard to make out anything, but all the right things were on there for the two little sacs. Of course, he throws out there that there is still a possibility that the other one is hiding somewhere....great. Don't friggin say that. He also said that he must monitor my right ovary because he's not sure why it's bigger than the other one (to clarify...one is a baseball and one is one of those little league softballs) in case the embryo shot up there. And THEN he asks me why I am so worried?!

Why am I so worried...I of course was like, well, you just said THAT, but also, and I said this, "I mean, it took so long to get here, we've gone through so much and I am terrified of it going away." He was like, "I understand, but there is no need to worry. I am not worried (the nurse said he was being thorough...). Just relax." Right.

So, I feel like I am sitting in that airplane seat, staring at the fasten seat belt sign, hoping for the ding to come soon. I'll never be able to actually take the seatbelt off, because I'm going to be anxious the whole time, but once I hear the ding, I'll breathe a little easier.

Not the end of the world...

So I spent 3 hours of my life watching the movie 2012, about the apocalypse. Lloyd Daubler now has a family....they end up on an arc. I started watching at 620, about the time we usually do the PIO shot. I stopped watching at 9, when the d-man left to get our take-out. Soooo, totally FORGOT about the shot...UNTIL I was thinking of how we have dinner plans next week and really need to do the shot early...the SHOT!!! OH shit!!! Okay, so maybe d-man will be right back. I got the oil in the syringe and called and texted him, no answer. I am sure I'll find his damn phone here somewhere. SO, I stuck my own ass, for the second Saturday in a row! We've done an 8:30, but never a 9:10. I try to keep it between 5-9. I am not too concerned, but now I am scared that I will do this again. I think I am going to start setting an alarm on my damn phone.

Babies need progesterone, people!!!! It's funny how when you have to do things, you just do them (and they hurt less than when your husband does them). ahhhhhhhh! I'm okay, crisis averted but I gotta be more diligent here.

Beta 3000 sounds like a car....

So, I didn't hear exactly what the number was because I was in the car, but it was like 3600 or 3060 or something. The number is supposed to double every two days. If it was 524 on Monday and today is Friday, that's a little more than doubling, wouldn't you say?

I am calmer after the visit. I was freaking out big-time even while I was there. Lately, I had been feeling better and not as bloated. My over-google research (which I was told today not to keep doing by the nurse) indicated that if I felt better, that meant that there wasn't hcg in there that was continuing to rise. Well, that idea is shot to hell. So, I'm a little better in that there isn't too much fluid. BUT, my ovaries are huge. I can tell when I push on my abdomen. Dr. God made a fist and said the right one is about that size and the left one is probably half of it. So, the pants are still tight, but I can breathe better. The other interesting part of the ultrasound was seeing two black spots. It's too early to really see anything, but they are embryos, or whatever they are at 4 weeks 4 days. Guess that's why the number is so high.

So, I am excited but still pretty scared....NOT on the verge of tears like I was in the office, but we are taking it day by day now...

beta beta beta

524. That's pretty high. I haven't done my beta research, other than it is a measure of HCG in my blood. It seems as though the number doesn't matter that much, as long as it is over 100 and doubles every 72 hours or so. Of course 524 could indicate there are two in there.

So, that was good news yesterday. Today I feel physically much better, 3 pounds lighter (though still pretty fat looking) and significantly more nervous and scared. I don't have another appointment until Friday for blood and another look at my gut for fluid.

I kinda hope I start feeling worse and have more fluid because that could indicate more HCG. I don't have any actual pregnancy symptoms so I can't really go off of that. I'm way more nervous this week than I was last week.....but I have no control. That is the theme of all of this.

So, this whole process has had me doing things that I've never heard of and I really never thought I would have to do. I mean, life is full of that, I understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that this stuff is friggin crazy.

I went in for my beta test today and told the nurse that I had a positive pee test. She was excited wanted to know how I felt, etc. I told/showed her my gut and she checked to see if Dr. God wanted to do an ultrasound. He came in and said, "I think that there are three in there...if not three, then two." Um....well, he didn't even look at me so not sure about that. He did an ultrasound and decided he wanted to drain me. I've heard this makes you feel better but the chat boards seemed to indicate that this was an IV/hospital stay kind of deal. Because it wasn't too much, though, I can do it in the office. He said he didn't want other people touching me so he wanted to do it in the office and not wait until I had to go to the hospital. I would like to avoid that as well.

Odd, as usual. It didn't hurt too much, but not the most comfortable experience. I feel better, though, than I did when I woke up...for sure.... Dr. God said he was thinking he'd do this twice a week! Um, we'll see. Could be interesting. I shouldn't have looked at the massive needle-like thing that he stuck up in there, and what came out looked like, well, it looked like beer. I didn't say that, though, but I guess I am missing that! haha. In any case, add this on to the WHOLE experience.

Now, I am waiting on the phone call.....

Pee test

Tomorrow is the beta test; they will be testing my blood for the level of hcg. HCG is what is detected in my pee (on the stick). So, we did that tonight. The d-man wanted to wait until he got back from a sailing weekend (which, by the way, had me doing my OWN PIO injection!). Since we weren't doing this first thing in the morning, I had to not GO for like 3 hours. That was rough, which for me is ALWAYS an issue....

Anyway, YES, it was positive, but my big belly kinda told me that already. Tomorrow I find out what the level is. It has to keep doubling in order to stay viable. One hurdle...no like seven hurdles down, 1000 to go!

OHSS update

I just ate breakfast---about 25 of my 100 grams of protein I am supposed to eat each day (I really have no idea why). I go to work in two hours, so that should be good. If I wasn't looking five months preggers right now (and I am guessing...never been there, believe it or not), the 1600-1800 calories I am resistively shoving in, mostly protein, each day would have me looking svelte. But, alas, I am not exercising, so I just feel pretty fat.

My ovaries are large, which is pushing my organs around. There may be fluid in there, too. I am really glad that I am not gaining weight, though I am probably losing to some degree, so I am probably gaining even though I am staying the same.(got that?) In any case, it isn't the 3-7 pounds per day that people who have a severe case of this deal with. I can't even imagine and I am terrified that it will get worse. It gets worse due to the HCG being secreted by my embryo(s). Big blood test on Monday, but if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

SO, I am living a life of a pregnant teen trying to hide her belly by buying bigger clothes and wearing bigger shirts (tough in the heat, man!). I am also drinking lots of gatorade (apparently this f's up your electrolytes) along with the protein. That, my friends, is ALL I CAN DO. Modern medicine is great because it got me here, but sucks at the same time.....

I've heard horror stories about this putting women in the hospital for 3 months, having to get drained every week, etc. I mean, I really need to work so that can't happen. If I use up the sick days now, what happens when I actually have to take maternity leave...this isn't Europe, sick and vacation days have to be used. I've read lots of different things about how long it lasts. The theory is when the placenta takes over the pregnancy, after the ovaries, that this goes away...um, that's the second trimester. I want it to go away like you wouldn't believe, but I am scared to death it will and that means the end of the pregnancy as well....

Well, add this to the drama.....I'll act as I usually do, that it sucks but no big deal. You know what, though? It IS a big deal, and it totally sucks and isn't fair. AND, I can't really tell anyone but some family and friends for obvious reasons. Sounds like a theme.... BUT, I'm keeping the blog updated because I will get through it and I'll even have a record of that!

back to school....

I am not going to bash facebook or anything. I mean, I am on it everyday just like the rest of you all (except d-man, you are better than I). BUT, it can be torturous at times.

Example #1: this week. It's the first day of school/day care/ nursery school....the house is empty, we went to Staples, you name it, it's on there. If I don't like things on facebook, I typically hide them (re: bedazzled-wtf IS that anyway??), but I know this is one or ten posts and it will be over. Besides, I hope to do it myself someday.

Example #2: honeymoon conceptions. TWO facebook friends had this happen. It went from wedding pictures to "we are going to be three!" in literally two months. ugh.

Example #3: ultrasound pictures. I have some, too, but they are 8-cell embryos, probably not the same thing. If it is one up there, it's okay, but when it becomes the profile picture, well, that's just odd.

Example #4: Mommie questions....like "all you mommies out there, what do you do when junior won't take the bottle and it's been 3 years?"

Example #5: the facebook "post in your status if you agree" things like "I love my daughter/son and she/he is my reason for living, if you agree post this as your status...." If you don't you pretty much suck, right?

I find myself reading the posts of those who are running marathons, seeing funny things on the street, talking about work. It's been brutal lately, but I can handle it. I mean, I keep going back!

The big BLOAT

Since the transfer, I've felt fine. I mean, I had some lingering cramping from the retrieval but other than that, I didn't feel too different. I figured that Dr. God did a good job with the stims, the trigger shot didn't put my large ovaries into a tailspin and I wasn't bloated at all. In all the reading that I did (online thus far) I learned a lot about ovarian hyperstimulation sydrome (OHSS) and that I would be bloated and uncomfortable and probably gain some weight if I had it
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So, over the weekend I had some pizza, and some wings, and some other indulgences (hey Labor Day weekend!) However, It wasn't a binge or anything, even though I started feeling bloated. I immediately assumed I overate and the lapse from the gym was now catching up to me. Last night, which is seven days past transfer (7dp3dt for those in the know) I was noticeably bloated and feeling pretty gross. I did what I always do and consulted Dr. Google. I read about late onset OHSS, which occurs when the HCG is secreted by the embryo once implantation occurs and the ovaries and follicles react to that. I'm not sure how I made it past the shot and have to deal with the actual hormone but if you are following me, I basically read that implantation actually happened.
I shared that with the d-man. We were both going to ask about it at Dr. God's this morning. Turns out, I didn't even need to. I had an ultrasound after telling him I felt bloated. He took a quick look and was like "oh yeah, very full." My ovaries are baseballs. There is also fluid in there. Dr. God actually said I was pregnant, a full week before my blood test! He verified what I had read online and I am feeling it still, let me tell you. I believe him. I am waiting for the blood test, of course, though I will probably pee on a stick before then, but this is more of a sign than any sore boob could ever be.

Now I wait and see. If I have a multiple pregnancy, it will be even worse. I don't know how bad it can get and I am pretty nervous about it. He said eat a lot of protein, drink fluids and rest and watch my weight. It's crazy, I mean this is good, and yet I have to NOW deal with THIS shit! Normal pregnant people have no idea and no room to bitch. That may be mean, but come on!
I am cautiously optimistic....but pretty confident. The resting thing will be tough with work right now, but I am gonna keep going...