moving right along...

So, we've had a series of illnesses here in our household.  I, well, I was sick constantly, but one day just couldn't keep anything down.  soooo fun.  I missed two days of work and lost 4 pounds.  I was actually lighter than I had been since having A.  BUT, with a gut.  So, there's that.  Anyway, d-man got sick after that and then A.  She apparently has picked up hand, foot, and mouth disease from daycare.  She is going to get EVERYTHING from daycare.  Tough kid.  Frustratingly stubborn, too.  She doesn't like to eat real food.  She's lazy.  God forbid she has to put a banana or chicken into her mouth.  What the hell, she HAS teeth.  We don't want to continue with the baby food, but sometimes, that's all we got.  Of course with this new disease, she isn't eating much of anything. 
Anyway, so I told my buddy at the gym of the impending baby, since I hadn't been there in a while.  The whole nausea thing makes that not so inviting.  He told the whole class and the teachers of the class so everyone I come in contact with at the gym now knows.   I also told my boss, but I want to wait until after the next appointment for anyone else.  I'm still nervous.  I mean, I feel better which scares me.  I mean, I don't like feeling sick but at least I knew I was pregnant.  It's friggin nerve wracking.  I have accepted that I cannot have a margarita on cinco de mayo.  I'm still pissed I can't go biking this summer.  I'm working on it....

Happy Easter!

So, we told the fam last Sunday, hopefully not prematurely, since the first screening test is in a couple days. I honestly didn’t really want to tell anyone. I don’t know why, but I didn’t find this an exciting thing. But, I had to put a date out there for the d-man since he DID want the world to know. We settled for Easter Sunday before really knowing what we were doing, but figuring we’d be at the in-laws (my in-laws). Easter Sunday became Easter Saturday due to my FIL having to work on Sunday.

So…we waited until everyone was there, which wasn’t until we were ready to eat dinner, really. D-man just kind of interrupted everyone and said, “K’s pregnant.” Just like that. Now…okay, I knew my MIL would have some crazy reaction, and she did. She shrieked and kissed me like eight times. Super Uncomfortable since my family is quite different but whatever. She did also ask why I took a test, did I feel sick? Really? I said, no the usual reason one takes a pregnancy test. Side note….even though baby A is almost 11 months old, so I am 11 months into this parenthood thing, she actually asked me if I could watch baby A while she left the room at some point on Sunday. Good lord, I wonder how two is going to be? We also got the “I knew sorta because you weren’t drinking” from everyone. Really? I’m usually two sheets to the wind on Easter Sunday? Apparently.

For my family, it was all phone calls, except my little brother who we told on a visit to see him in Florida. I wasn’t drinking so….oh, wait, I guess I am a lush. Anyway, the others were happy and surprised but nothing too crazy. I think my older brother was the most shocked as the whole previous IVF thing and now this just didn’t compute. Well, he’s not the only one…

So, cat is out of the family bag. Not so much with the rest of the world, and I am really nervous about the screening tests. I am also running through my head how to organize my life in late fall, typically a very busy time at work.

But, I can honestly say that I am at least still pregnant. I feel like shit every night. I am usually kind of sick throughout the day and when I am not concentrating on something, it’s worse. So, yea. I do hope that goes away as it is supposed to in a couple weeks. I am not a nausea fan.

"So, I hear you're pregnant." These are the exact words I heard two weeks ago when I was meeting some old college friends on the old campus with the families. Now, this wasn't a good friend and she was referring to the fact that the last time I saw her, I wasn't even pregnant with baby A. D-man looked like a deer in headlights. He really didn't think her comment was funny at all.

So, we were at a loss for words for a bit because we had not told anyone but a couple friends and my little brother (we were in vacation visiting him and I wasn't drinking...it was easier that way). The thing is, that hasn't changed. I don't know, I guess I am hiding it, I mean I know I am hiding it, but I don't know why. I am so afraid of something bad happening and having to deal with people KNOWING that, that I would rather wait. It's completely the same feeling as last time. I may be more scared this time, because I was drunk a few times and had raw tuna and advil. At the same time, I have no desire to rent a doplar. But, I know I am still pregnant because I feel awful. I am sick every day. This is new. Typically, I am feeling seriously nauseous after dinner through the evening. Although this morning I felt kinda sick, too, which made the gym difficult. I read today that higher levels of nausea could mean a girl....d-man will be upset. He keeps referring to to it as "little man."

Well, we will let the cat out of the bag at Easter...I'll be 11 weeks. I am a week less that I had originally thought. That's good because one of the times I know I had too many beers was BEFORE then....and oddly d-man is certain he knows when it happened. He's right, mathematically speaking. Pushing the due date later is better for work, so I hope that sticks.

Anyway...I am really trying to push through this being sick thing. It is not fun. I get to travel for work next week and have another(!) event at night on Wednesday, so I hope I make it!

what I am thinking??

So, how do I feel now….? Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to be pregnant again so soon. Selfishly, I wanted this summer to get in shape, get on my bike (with my new helmet), play on the softball team at the Y, have some Margarita’s and hang with my husband and daughter. So, honestly, I’m not looking forward to being uncomfortable, unable to do much, dry, and even fatter. But, I don’t want to say that, because if something happens, then it is my fault, right?
This is what I wanted….in a year and a half, but I can’t control that.

So there are a lot of other things going through my head right now. Are we ready for another newborn? Damn, that was hard. I mean, the sleep thing and the feeding thing and the worrying thing. Also, can we afford it? Well, yes, but now we need to buy a new car as well as the house. These are things we needed anyway, but there are in our face now. The car has to happen soon, and the house I think of longingly…..Also, I don’t want people to now buy into that “you just relaxed…” or “you weren’t thinking about it” bullshit. It’s all the rage and it really irks me. I wasn’t completely NOT thinking about it and having Baby A gave me an actual menstrual cycle, so it’s not like this is too farfetched. Of course even my OB said I am like that happy infertility story that people love to hear. Perhaps, but I don’t want to be the false hope chick, either.

But I am of course, still thinking the worst. Just like last time but without the bi-weekly ultrasounds. I do have one tomorrow to verify that I am actually pregnant and check the age. I know it is early. I keep telling myself that. I also keep reading awful stories of women who had ultrasounds and found out that their babies had those crazy diseases or were going to die in the womb and had to go through hell to get an abortion(thanks Tea Party bastards) . Ugh. So, that’s on my mind. That’s why I don’t want to tell like anyone right now.

It is so weird, that I have to accept the thing that I was so longing for a year and a half ago.

for real now

Okay, so I called the doctor's office. Yes, it was positive but after five tests on my own, I kinda figured as much. Now I wait to go to my first appointment next week. At that point I'll be eight and a half weeks. Hopefully I can get it together here. I keep eating crap i.e., sugar, I haven't been to the gym in three days (yes that is actually a long time for me) and I still can't seem to believe this. I tried to order a steamer at Starbucks and ended up with some frozen vanilla concoction. More sugar and I didn't mean this one. I don't consider this behavior crazy; I haven't succumbed to many shamrock shakes or anything but I need to get healthy. I have no problem staying away from booze and I "gave it up for lent." Of course, if I get into any conversations about the pope's stance on IVF no one will buy that.

Anyway, I am rambling. I feel like I am in limbo. I need a doctor to say to my face that I am pregnant. I need to feel it. I haven't felt nauseous since Saturday, so that freaks me out too. At least last time I was bloated as all hell. Now I don't feel any different. I'm really scared that this won't last or I did something to mess it up. It really is a gift and if I did something when I didn't know, I blew it.

I'll just wait and see, and see the response of my doc on Thursday. Starting now......less sugar.

WTF?!?!

I am writing this on February 28th but I have no idea when I will actually post it. So, I don’t know how to feel or if this is real or what? I was freaking this morning and I’m not sure if I should be happy or what? Why? Positive pee test. Seriously.

Okay, aside from the fact that (and d-man will hate me for saying this) we don’t have sex all that often, I swear we didn’t during the “window of opportunity” and I feel totally normal as far as symptoms go, we were TOLD we CAN’T. D-man has a LOW SPERM COUNT. Like low. True, my cycle completely normalized after having the baby, but we did IVF because of what they called male factor, aka, low sperm count.

My period was late. I know this because it has been like clockwork and because I have an app on my phone that tells me this. I thought, I should test, just to check, you never know….we aren’t using any birth control or anything, why would we? But I’d forget. I’m so used to not getting a period that I just thought it was my body back to its old self. Went out a few times, went to a beer fest (ugh), took some Advil for a neck pain issue, consumed a LOT of coffee….but last night I took an old, expired test. When it was positive, I took another old expired test. I waited until the morning to take the not expired test. Positive. I wasn’t sure if I was upset or just not believing or what. I went to the gym and told d-man when I got home.

He didn’t believe it. I bought four more tests to see what happens. BUT, he’s giddy now. I think he feels vindicated. I mean, yes, this is WAY too early. Baby A is only nine months old and the plan was to try again like a year from now, or a little more. This was IF I could convince d-man, since it was a huge expense. Now, although the timing is off, it will be harder with work, daycare just doubled and all the newborn stuff is summer, if this is for real, this is quite a gift.

March 3rd. I had a blood test on Wednesday but they haven't called. I forgot to call them in time on Friday so I wait. I've felt kinda sick but off and on. I don't feel this is real and I really feel like it cannot last. I need the call from the doc.

What the hell? Was Dr. God lying to make 15k? I'm so waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must be pregnant because I felt the same way last to time. Well, I guess I'm back to blogging...

Infertile forever

This week has been kind of emotional. I'm sure my period (yes, I get that now) may have something to do with it since I truly feel what my hormones actually do to me after all of this. But I can't blame that anymore. It's been a tough week because I realized that even though everything has changed, a lot has not.

I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.

So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).

Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.

I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.