shopping, part III

So, I've read in many places that maternity clothing pretty much sucks. However, I have also seen and read that that's all in the past, that no longer do women need to wear their husbands large dress shirts to work. Well, that's true, BUT finding not just flattering but nice things, is really hard.

First of all, paying $75 for a pair of regular pants I can do, especially if I wear them to work, etc. Doing that for pants I'll wear for four months is insane. The pants that cost $30...look like shit on me.

Also, this small, medium, large sizing thing just doesn't work. I need to find my SIZE.

Lastly, wearing that friggin panel thing is really uncomfortable. I'm sure that will change when I can fill it out but it sucks for now.

Jeans, on the other hand, seem easy to find....funny, I can't wear THEM to work!

So, I went to the only GAP that has a maternity section today--in Philly. I found great black pants---looked real, were in my normal size, had a half panel thing, and ONLY came in black. So, I went online when I got home and realized most pants ONLY come in black. I can't wear black everyday. So there's another problem. ugh.

I can't wear my normal pants....I can sort of get into my favorite suit, but that won't last much longer. I have a conference in two weeks so I really need something to wear.

Well, I'd rather be bitching about this than something else, I guess. At the same time, can't anything be easy?

christmas and the doctor, and a bit of snow...

Ah, the first overwhelming snow of the season. We got like a foot last night. Now, that in and of itself wouldn't have been that bad, but we had to visit my brother for Christmas number 3 but had to be back home because we had our first appointment with our real OB the next morning. State of Emergency in Philly...thankfully we are in the burbs. Still a hell of a ride home last night.

Anyway, the doctor was fine. I sound really healthy-minus the whole infertility thing. I did have to get weighed, after three Christmas celebrations. I figure that at least 3 of those pounds are holiday weight gain and bloating from too much sodium. SO, the 10 total pounds is really 7. I was so nervous about my blood pressure but it was actually really good. I guess I am looking for things that could go wrong. We heard the heartbeat but weren't surprised or overly excited which was probably odd to the doctor or nurse. I mean, we hear that on our own! The most dramatic part of the visit was getting there. We borrowed my in-laws four wheel drive car, which got us there in plenty of time. We got there before the doctor did, that's for sure. I like him. He's not arrogant like Dr. God, but he talks pretty fast and asked if we had any questions. My only question was are we behind the 8 ball since this is our first visit and we are 19 weeks. He said no, especially since Dr. God had such a hold on us for so long. AND I was doing fine, nothing to worry about. He did talk to us a bit about the other twin, but said it wasn't something to worry about. Little does he know of my google habit. I know all about vanishing twins.

Next hurdle is the 20 week ultrasound and blood tests and the second half of whatever genetic testing we need to do. I do hope we can see the sex, and I feel like people usually can. We don't see the OB again until the 24th. I'm cool with that. I have a lot of researching to do between now and then.

Surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of baby type stuff for Christmas. Actually the d-man and I exchanged little outfits. D-man bought Eagles onezies and I bought Phillies (mine were newborn, his were six months--that actually works with the seasons, not that d-man knew that). That's a big reason to have a baby--you get to dress it up! haha.

Okay, now to read the stuff we got at the doc's!

Reality Check

Scary things never stop happening. No, this isn’t with me, or in my head or whatever, but there are things happening around me that are a constant reminder of the fragility of this whole pregnancy.

An infertile friend of mine actually found out she was pregnant about six weeks ago. She had just put in her adoption paperwork so it was a bit odd. Her history is miscarriage so I’m sure she wasn’t totally confident. I hadn’t heard from her in almost two weeks so I feared the worst. She finally called and explained that she had been bleeding a lot and the heartbeat was kind of low. This doesn’t mean anything necessarily, but she was lying low and is pretty nervous. She’s now at eight weeks, which may be as long as she’s ever been. I can’t imagine continually getting to this point only to have it end in such a dramatic way. I’m praying for her.

A friend of the D-man’s wife was recently told to stay home from work—bed rest essentially because her blood pressure was high, too high. She is also an infertile and this was an IUI pregnancy. My first reaction was, okay, that sucks, but do what you gotta do. Then we found out that she was admitted to the hospital so they could monitor her. She was there maybe two days when the D-man got a text saying that she was having an emergency C-section. The baby was born yesterday at 25-26 weeks and one pound, nine ounces. I don’t know what will happen but we are praying for them, too.

This scares me, of course. Confident, I am anything but, which isn’t a surprise statement. However, these things are real, they are close. I don’t know what my blood pressure is to be honest. I still have two weeks until I actually see my OB for the first time. Aside from fearing everything that could possibly happen, I find these situations remarkably unfair. These are people who have struggled over and over and they do not deserve to have to go through anything like this. It makes me question a lot of things. It tests faith and hits on many emotions. I just have to think that these are people who are stronger because of their struggle and that will pull them through these temporary situations.

Shopping? Done.

So, I know you are all dying to know about the shopping excursion. I’ll leave out the details, but it was a success! I now have a good start to another wardrobe. “They” say that the best thing to do when you need maternity clothes is to borrow them. Well, a friend of mine jumped the gun on that and sent me a bunch of her stuff, size small. She’s about 130 pounds normally and I started at 164. You do the math on that one. Shopping and having family purchase the clothes because you used up all of your money on the fetus is the second best thing. I’m actually wearing a sweater from the trip today—it can go either way. I also let the office know, which was okay. I got bombarded by a couple of the older women but nothing too crazy. So, feeling pretty okay. I just have to figure out when to actually wear these new purchases. Maybe I’ll test a pair of pants out on Christmas. I’ll need the room anyway…..

shopping....

So, a couple of things....First of all, I definitely am getting fatter. I don't know if I look pregnant, though I would say no, but my pants are seriously uncomfortable if I can get them to actually button. It makes work rather interesting--especially since only three people that I work with even know. I really don't want everyone to think I am getting super fat, and well, lazy. I mean, shit I am even back going to the gym. So, this leaves me with two things to do: #1 tell my co-workers, and #2 shop.

My boss offered (jokingly...I think) to email everyone. Um, no...I'll just have to deal with the 50 year old secretaries on my own. Or, I wait until the department christmas party on Friday and maybe they'll notice I'm not drinking. I'll keep you posted.

Now, shopping. I got a text and several emails from my mother in law who, if you have been paying attention, has been overwhelming and annoying throughout this process. The reason is her excitement is not coinciding with my fear. I get that her daughter lives 3000 miles away so she missed all the pregnancy stuff, but I am very self-sufficient and I share the pregnancy stuff, along with everything else, with certain friends. I don't share with my own mom, so she can't expect me to offer up all details and want to shop with her for baby crap constantly, but she does.

Well, I did buy a bigger bra and two be-bands (target version of bella band) so that was really it. I am literally scared shitless to go to a maternity store...or well, I was. I felt that I still don't belong, that I'm not worthy of it. I asked the resolve message board for advice and they were all very responsive and helpful. I was told that it's just shopping, that I should try to bring a supportive friend first (can't really do that...) and that I shouldn't let infertility rob me of what should be fun. That kinda got to me, because that's exactly what's happening. They also said that I would be much more comfortable. Since I can't wear sweats to work, I'd agree with that one.

So, I am going with the MIL on Monday. She said her daughter really liked the maternity section at the GAP and somewhere else. I think I want to go to an actual maternity store, though. I am up to it. Especially if the MIL is going to buy some clothes for me. Wish me luck!

"But That's Harvesting Babies!!!"

That is exactly what a friend said to me at brunch over Thanksgiving. Now she is very supportive (I think) of what I have done and the conversation began with her asking me how many embryos we got, the process, etc. Another friend at brunch asked me what happens to those embryos that we don’t use. I said well, they are siblings, or can be, but we didn’t have any to freeze so we’ll have to go through this whole process again. I then talked about the paperwork that had to be filled out before we did the cycles, specifically about what happens to extra embryos. I mean, we had to answer questions of what happened if one of us died, if we both died, if we got divorced, etc. I said we put that we would donate everything to research (as was an option), that since they are now doing stem cell research anyway, it was perfect. Then the comment came.

I bring this up, not because I was angry that she said it, though I was ready to throw down if the fourth member of our group didn’t change the subject faster than you can say Christian Fundamentalist. I think for this friend, specifically, she is super conservative and religious. I mean, we definitely bashed Sarah Palin at that brunch (I mean, why not?) and this person was very quiet. She is also a scientist by profession so it’s all very odd to me. The thing is, there ARE people out there who think things completely in a way that I think is not only wrong but backwards. I’ve said this before, that the ignorance and beliefs of others may make me not want to share the conception process of my child with anyone.

My thoughts are these: there is no way to harvest a baby; that seems a propaganda line. You can harvest eggs and fertilize them with sperm, and I CANNOT imagine why anyone would want to do that (unless they were paid) for blatant research purposes. Also, most of these embryos will not become babies even if they are transferred. Our “extras” didn’t make it past four days and of the three we transferred, ONE made it. I’m not saying the science won’t get better, and I hope to God it does, but saying that you are creating a baby to test is not really the case. These are embryos that exist, and can be researched to help countless others to live, live longer and live a better life.

So I don't know exactly where I am going with this, whether it is a political piece on why I think we should continue stem cell research, or whether I don't feel comfortable around people who don't fully support my choices, or another reason to not tell people about the whole IVF thing. Ah, I was just pissed.