So, how do I feel now….? Well, I’ll be honest, I’m not ready to be pregnant again so soon. Selfishly, I wanted this summer to get in shape, get on my bike (with my new helmet), play on the softball team at the Y, have some Margarita’s and hang with my husband and daughter. So, honestly, I’m not looking forward to being uncomfortable, unable to do much, dry, and even fatter. But, I don’t want to say that, because if something happens, then it is my fault, right?
This is what I wanted….in a year and a half, but I can’t control that.
So there are a lot of other things going through my head right now. Are we ready for another newborn? Damn, that was hard. I mean, the sleep thing and the feeding thing and the worrying thing. Also, can we afford it? Well, yes, but now we need to buy a new car as well as the house. These are things we needed anyway, but there are in our face now. The car has to happen soon, and the house I think of longingly…..Also, I don’t want people to now buy into that “you just relaxed…” or “you weren’t thinking about it” bullshit. It’s all the rage and it really irks me. I wasn’t completely NOT thinking about it and having Baby A gave me an actual menstrual cycle, so it’s not like this is too farfetched. Of course even my OB said I am like that happy infertility story that people love to hear. Perhaps, but I don’t want to be the false hope chick, either.
But I am of course, still thinking the worst. Just like last time but without the bi-weekly ultrasounds. I do have one tomorrow to verify that I am actually pregnant and check the age. I know it is early. I keep telling myself that. I also keep reading awful stories of women who had ultrasounds and found out that their babies had those crazy diseases or were going to die in the womb and had to go through hell to get an abortion(thanks Tea Party bastards) . Ugh. So, that’s on my mind. That’s why I don’t want to tell like anyone right now.
It is so weird, that I have to accept the thing that I was so longing for a year and a half ago.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
for real now
Okay, so I called the doctor's office. Yes, it was positive but after five tests on my own, I kinda figured as much. Now I wait to go to my first appointment next week. At that point I'll be eight and a half weeks. Hopefully I can get it together here. I keep eating crap i.e., sugar, I haven't been to the gym in three days (yes that is actually a long time for me) and I still can't seem to believe this. I tried to order a steamer at Starbucks and ended up with some frozen vanilla concoction. More sugar and I didn't mean this one. I don't consider this behavior crazy; I haven't succumbed to many shamrock shakes or anything but I need to get healthy. I have no problem staying away from booze and I "gave it up for lent." Of course, if I get into any conversations about the pope's stance on IVF no one will buy that.
Anyway, I am rambling. I feel like I am in limbo. I need a doctor to say to my face that I am pregnant. I need to feel it. I haven't felt nauseous since Saturday, so that freaks me out too. At least last time I was bloated as all hell. Now I don't feel any different. I'm really scared that this won't last or I did something to mess it up. It really is a gift and if I did something when I didn't know, I blew it.
I'll just wait and see, and see the response of my doc on Thursday. Starting now......less sugar.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
WTF?!?!
I am writing this on February 28th but I have no idea when I will actually post it. So, I don’t know how to feel or if this is real or what? I was freaking this morning and I’m not sure if I should be happy or what? Why? Positive pee test. Seriously.
Okay, aside from the fact that (and d-man will hate me for saying this) we don’t have sex all that often, I swear we didn’t during the “window of opportunity” and I feel totally normal as far as symptoms go, we were TOLD we CAN’T. D-man has a LOW SPERM COUNT. Like low. True, my cycle completely normalized after having the baby, but we did IVF because of what they called male factor, aka, low sperm count.
My period was late. I know this because it has been like clockwork and because I have an app on my phone that tells me this. I thought, I should test, just to check, you never know….we aren’t using any birth control or anything, why would we? But I’d forget. I’m so used to not getting a period that I just thought it was my body back to its old self. Went out a few times, went to a beer fest (ugh), took some Advil for a neck pain issue, consumed a LOT of coffee….but last night I took an old, expired test. When it was positive, I took another old expired test. I waited until the morning to take the not expired test. Positive. I wasn’t sure if I was upset or just not believing or what. I went to the gym and told d-man when I got home.
He didn’t believe it. I bought four more tests to see what happens. BUT, he’s giddy now. I think he feels vindicated. I mean, yes, this is WAY too early. Baby A is only nine months old and the plan was to try again like a year from now, or a little more. This was IF I could convince d-man, since it was a huge expense. Now, although the timing is off, it will be harder with work, daycare just doubled and all the newborn stuff is summer, if this is for real, this is quite a gift.
March 3rd. I had a blood test on Wednesday but they haven't called. I forgot to call them in time on Friday so I wait. I've felt kinda sick but off and on. I don't feel this is real and I really feel like it cannot last. I need the call from the doc.
What the hell? Was Dr. God lying to make 15k? I'm so waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must be pregnant because I felt the same way last to time. Well, I guess I'm back to blogging...
Friday, January 20, 2012
Infertile forever
This week has been kind of emotional. I'm sure my period (yes, I get that now) may have something to do with it since I truly feel what my hormones actually do to me after all of this. But I can't blame that anymore. It's been a tough week because I realized that even though everything has changed, a lot has not.
I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.
So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).
Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.
I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.
I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.
So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).
Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.
I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
stress vent
Soooo, the baby is now 7 and a half months old. I can say that I have been so busy with everything that I haven't had a second to post anything and I wouldn't be totally lying. I am able to do so now because I am out of town for work. I've got two major things to write about, I guess you could say. The first is the baby, and all that goes with trying to figure out what the hell I/we are doing with her (she was recently seriously congested and had a bad cough--I of course assumed it was whooping cough, although cold was another option). The second is my state of mind in general, which has been suspect lately, although getting better, and dealing with constantly thinking about well, everything like IVF and infertility and things out of my control.
The baby seems to be doing well, meeting the milestones and what-not. She gets sick, then gets us sick, then gets better, then we get better, and the cycle continues. Apparently, that's the beauty of daycare, but in two years, she'll have the immunity of gold. great. I should just have $15 debited from my account to the pediatrician every month for the co-pay. I hope we are feeding her the right way. Of course I don't want advice on that from my MIL and I don't want to ask any of my friends because then I look like I don't know what I am doing, and I can't have that, right? So, we read articles and books and do what we think is right and then read something totally different and worry that what we read before was wrong. But the next day comes and the baby grows....It is THE most stressful thing about her so far. And dear God I don't have time to read a whole friggin book about it. By the time I get home from work and clean up and do whatever else needs to get done, I'm too tired. That is a goal for the new year...read more about what we should be doing with the baby, well, and you know, eat better.
As for the other thing, I don't know if I have been depressed or what but I did look into therapy or a counselor or something. I am not totally thinking that route now, though, because for whatever reason, I feel significantly better. Since I have been back at work, I've had a lot more stress there than ever for various reasons. That and taking care of the baby have me highly stressed. I've been blaming d-man for things, whether it is legit or not. I was having these thoughts that he felt like he was losing his life, and it wasn't good enough anymore because he wasn't traveling the world with his buddy. I don't know....I don't want to stop him from doing things that make him happy (although a potential week away on a boat without me was a bit much...not happening, by the way), but I guess since I am sort of happy just coming home and hanging out with him and the baby, that he should be too. So, we did talk about it, and he IS very happy.
I think part of the stress is money (isn't it always?). We don't have enough, we'll never have enough and there's a lot to think about. We want to buy a house and live in a neighborhood with families and yards...we rent right now. Where we are, the houses we like are about $400,000. The easy math on a down payment is $80,000. No, we don't have that lying around. We are both so friggin far behind our friends that it's depressing. We want another baby, too. To TRY for that is minimally $7,000-10,000 and that's with a cheap RE. I'm not going to get into the fairness of that, but I think about it, a lot. I had to go into the house/baby fund because I haven't been really good with budgeting all things baby (daycare, food, etc) and um, Christmas. So, new year, more tightening of the belt. The sick thing about this? We are in the top 10% in this country (not 1%....so we ARE in the 99%). The problem is we weren't when the housing market was booming.
Anyway, the having another baby (and ONE..which is another blog post) has me worried a lot. Can we, will we, how can we afford it? I get so angry that we have to go through all of this again. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant after IVF. In all honesty, my cycle is pretty normal now, but I am pretty sure my having a baby did nothing to d-man's sperm count. Plus I know some of my hormones are still out of whack. I mean, not everything changed. So, I have been focusing on it lately, and getting myself all upset. Why?? I have definitely realized that having a baby doesn't totally change the fact that we deal with this crap.
BUT, I digress.....I don't mean to have a long-ish vent, since I am supposed to be focused with this blog, though I guess it's changed. It's just that so many things affect life in general, and the IF thing keeps making it difficult. I am learning, to focus on good things, and plan, and live life. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of it. And I will try to write more...as along as it is relevant.
Don't worry...I actually feel pretty good right now.
The baby seems to be doing well, meeting the milestones and what-not. She gets sick, then gets us sick, then gets better, then we get better, and the cycle continues. Apparently, that's the beauty of daycare, but in two years, she'll have the immunity of gold. great. I should just have $15 debited from my account to the pediatrician every month for the co-pay. I hope we are feeding her the right way. Of course I don't want advice on that from my MIL and I don't want to ask any of my friends because then I look like I don't know what I am doing, and I can't have that, right? So, we read articles and books and do what we think is right and then read something totally different and worry that what we read before was wrong. But the next day comes and the baby grows....It is THE most stressful thing about her so far. And dear God I don't have time to read a whole friggin book about it. By the time I get home from work and clean up and do whatever else needs to get done, I'm too tired. That is a goal for the new year...read more about what we should be doing with the baby, well, and you know, eat better.
As for the other thing, I don't know if I have been depressed or what but I did look into therapy or a counselor or something. I am not totally thinking that route now, though, because for whatever reason, I feel significantly better. Since I have been back at work, I've had a lot more stress there than ever for various reasons. That and taking care of the baby have me highly stressed. I've been blaming d-man for things, whether it is legit or not. I was having these thoughts that he felt like he was losing his life, and it wasn't good enough anymore because he wasn't traveling the world with his buddy. I don't know....I don't want to stop him from doing things that make him happy (although a potential week away on a boat without me was a bit much...not happening, by the way), but I guess since I am sort of happy just coming home and hanging out with him and the baby, that he should be too. So, we did talk about it, and he IS very happy.
I think part of the stress is money (isn't it always?). We don't have enough, we'll never have enough and there's a lot to think about. We want to buy a house and live in a neighborhood with families and yards...we rent right now. Where we are, the houses we like are about $400,000. The easy math on a down payment is $80,000. No, we don't have that lying around. We are both so friggin far behind our friends that it's depressing. We want another baby, too. To TRY for that is minimally $7,000-10,000 and that's with a cheap RE. I'm not going to get into the fairness of that, but I think about it, a lot. I had to go into the house/baby fund because I haven't been really good with budgeting all things baby (daycare, food, etc) and um, Christmas. So, new year, more tightening of the belt. The sick thing about this? We are in the top 10% in this country (not 1%....so we ARE in the 99%). The problem is we weren't when the housing market was booming.
Anyway, the having another baby (and ONE..which is another blog post) has me worried a lot. Can we, will we, how can we afford it? I get so angry that we have to go through all of this again. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant after IVF. In all honesty, my cycle is pretty normal now, but I am pretty sure my having a baby did nothing to d-man's sperm count. Plus I know some of my hormones are still out of whack. I mean, not everything changed. So, I have been focusing on it lately, and getting myself all upset. Why?? I have definitely realized that having a baby doesn't totally change the fact that we deal with this crap.
BUT, I digress.....I don't mean to have a long-ish vent, since I am supposed to be focused with this blog, though I guess it's changed. It's just that so many things affect life in general, and the IF thing keeps making it difficult. I am learning, to focus on good things, and plan, and live life. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of it. And I will try to write more...as along as it is relevant.
Don't worry...I actually feel pretty good right now.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
wow....back at work
So, I've been back at work for like three weeks already. Honestly, work-wise, it's like I never left. Some people say "congrats, let me see a picture" while others don't really give a shit. It's interesting. I think being gone in the summer and working in higher ed has something to do with it.
So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?
Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.
So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.
So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?
Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.
So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
how do teenagers do this?
I am watching the baby basically run the show everyday---as far as setting a schedule anyway. She goes where we do at this point, but we always need to be prepared. I am reading online and wherever about starting a routine for bedtime, but I don't know how to do that. Among other things, here are the things I am so completely unsure about and wonder how the 17-year-olds seem to be able to raise the unwanted pregnancies...
-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)
-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?
-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....
-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.
-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.
-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?
-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.
So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.
-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)
-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?
-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....
-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.
-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.
-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?
-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.
So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.
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