stress vent

Soooo, the baby is now 7 and a half months old. I can say that I have been so busy with everything that I haven't had a second to post anything and I wouldn't be totally lying. I am able to do so now because I am out of town for work. I've got two major things to write about, I guess you could say. The first is the baby, and all that goes with trying to figure out what the hell I/we are doing with her (she was recently seriously congested and had a bad cough--I of course assumed it was whooping cough, although cold was another option). The second is my state of mind in general, which has been suspect lately, although getting better, and dealing with constantly thinking about well, everything like IVF and infertility and things out of my control.

The baby seems to be doing well, meeting the milestones and what-not. She gets sick, then gets us sick, then gets better, then we get better, and the cycle continues. Apparently, that's the beauty of daycare, but in two years, she'll have the immunity of gold. great. I should just have $15 debited from my account to the pediatrician every month for the co-pay. I hope we are feeding her the right way. Of course I don't want advice on that from my MIL and I don't want to ask any of my friends because then I look like I don't know what I am doing, and I can't have that, right? So, we read articles and books and do what we think is right and then read something totally different and worry that what we read before was wrong. But the next day comes and the baby grows....It is THE most stressful thing about her so far. And dear God I don't have time to read a whole friggin book about it. By the time I get home from work and clean up and do whatever else needs to get done, I'm too tired. That is a goal for the new year...read more about what we should be doing with the baby, well, and you know, eat better.

As for the other thing, I don't know if I have been depressed or what but I did look into therapy or a counselor or something. I am not totally thinking that route now, though, because for whatever reason, I feel significantly better. Since I have been back at work, I've had a lot more stress there than ever for various reasons. That and taking care of the baby have me highly stressed. I've been blaming d-man for things, whether it is legit or not. I was having these thoughts that he felt like he was losing his life, and it wasn't good enough anymore because he wasn't traveling the world with his buddy. I don't know....I don't want to stop him from doing things that make him happy (although a potential week away on a boat without me was a bit much...not happening, by the way), but I guess since I am sort of happy just coming home and hanging out with him and the baby, that he should be too. So, we did talk about it, and he IS very happy.

I think part of the stress is money (isn't it always?). We don't have enough, we'll never have enough and there's a lot to think about. We want to buy a house and live in a neighborhood with families and yards...we rent right now. Where we are, the houses we like are about $400,000. The easy math on a down payment is $80,000. No, we don't have that lying around. We are both so friggin far behind our friends that it's depressing. We want another baby, too. To TRY for that is minimally $7,000-10,000 and that's with a cheap RE. I'm not going to get into the fairness of that, but I think about it, a lot. I had to go into the house/baby fund because I haven't been really good with budgeting all things baby (daycare, food, etc) and um, Christmas. So, new year, more tightening of the belt. The sick thing about this? We are in the top 10% in this country (not 1%....so we ARE in the 99%). The problem is we weren't when the housing market was booming.

Anyway, the having another baby (and ONE..which is another blog post) has me worried a lot. Can we, will we, how can we afford it? I get so angry that we have to go through all of this again. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant after IVF. In all honesty, my cycle is pretty normal now, but I am pretty sure my having a baby did nothing to d-man's sperm count. Plus I know some of my hormones are still out of whack. I mean, not everything changed. So, I have been focusing on it lately, and getting myself all upset. Why?? I have definitely realized that having a baby doesn't totally change the fact that we deal with this crap.

BUT, I digress.....I don't mean to have a long-ish vent, since I am supposed to be focused with this blog, though I guess it's changed. It's just that so many things affect life in general, and the IF thing keeps making it difficult. I am learning, to focus on good things, and plan, and live life. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of it. And I will try to write more...as along as it is relevant.

Don't worry...I actually feel pretty good right now.

wow....back at work

So, I've been back at work for like three weeks already. Honestly, work-wise, it's like I never left. Some people say "congrats, let me see a picture" while others don't really give a shit. It's interesting. I think being gone in the summer and working in higher ed has something to do with it.

So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?

Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.

So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.

how do teenagers do this?

I am watching the baby basically run the show everyday---as far as setting a schedule anyway. She goes where we do at this point, but we always need to be prepared. I am reading online and wherever about starting a routine for bedtime, but I don't know how to do that. Among other things, here are the things I am so completely unsure about and wonder how the 17-year-olds seem to be able to raise the unwanted pregnancies...

-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)

-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?

-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....

-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.

-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.

-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?

-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.

So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.

not happy baby....

Baby is groggy, sleepy, and NOT happy. I think she actually called me a bitch earlier today, but I can't confirm.

I am thinking it is because of the shots yesterday at the doctor's office. Everything is good...she's three pounds heavier than when she was born. Still some cord that hasn't come off yet, but that's not a big deal. So she got two shots, but like seven vaccines. Not sure how they get it all in there but whatever. In any case, the whole office got to see how pissed off she was. This was a new cry. I have to admit I was totally impressed with the speed of the nurse in injecting her and throwing her to me. Baby screamed like she was being stabbed....well...she was.

No fever, her legs are okay but man, she is so not herself. I keep picking her up when she starts fussing. She is sleeping it off, I suppose. I get it man, shots blow.

keeping on....

So, my nipples still hurt on occasion. I mean, nothing too crazy, but uncomfortable. It's been, oh about a week or so since I pumped at all. I don't need to, and there ain't much to pump anyway, but I'm noticing that I'm not back to normal yet. Maybe I won't get there, who knows?

I'm totally okay with moving on to the formula. I know I keep talking about it...well..on here anyway, but I'm happy we did what we did and I'd do it again. If and when we have another baby, I will. I may do more of a "let's make it to four weeks, now to six, now to eight, etc." I think saying I was going to breastfeed for six months made me feel like a failure, not someone trying to do something for my baby. So, lesson learned.

Short today....and I have to go and try to cut the baby's nails...she's asleep. It's frickin hard to get her when she's not squirming, but we go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't want to be a bad parent. We already forgot the blanket twice and had a naked kid in a cold room.

Damn, she's moving...dreaming, maybe? Here goes nothing.

Stir Crazy

So, a couple things here....first of all, even though I am actually really busy and occupied every day, both with the baby and the house (and things I have to do for work while I am using vacation days--figure THAT one out), I feel like I need out. Part of that is the continuous heat wave that pretty much keeps us in the house. That is not what I pictured. I was actually seeing us walking every day, going to the four coffee shops in town, blah blah blah. So far this summer's oppressive heat has really sucked.

SO, am I getting done what I want to? Um, no, not really. I am getting done what I have to and the house is relatively kept clean. For the first four weeks I was focusing on the breastfeeding thing and melting down and not really sleeping which just made me a complete mess. Now, I need to be productive but I'm still tired--even though she's really sleeping through the night. I'm going to bed too late, though.

Anyway, the two things that are on my mind are the fact that I AM getting a bit stir crazy and in need of adult contact, and that I feel a bit like this is temporary and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one I REALLY need to get over.

So, for example, I am almost needing d-man's approval when he comes home, making sure he notices what I've done (out of Good Housekeeping circa 1955). I feel like I need to have constant conversation and keep it happy because this is my time to have real conversation. It's just odd...yesterday HE was the one that said I seemed a bit stir crazy.

The other thing is more upsetting to me, I think. I constantly feel like I am going to drop the baby or fall down the stairs or something. I keep thinking that this whole parenting thing is temporary, that I am going back to normal soon. I don't know if this is a feeling of not deserving her or what, but it's a constant fear. When I am at the gym, I am constantly thinking that something is wrong. There is too much information about all things that can go wrong. Take that with my insecurities and it's pretty scary. So far she's doing great, so I know this is in my head.....but wow.

ugh...maybe just crazy.

things I have learned...top ten

So, I am thinking lately of the things that I have realized over the past year, well longer than that, but since this whole thing started. So, in no particular order:

1. people who shouldn't have multiple kids seem to have no problem doing so, while those who would make good parents have the issues.

2. either my pain tolerance really sucks, or there are a lot of women out there who totally kick ass...and I"m not one of them. no epidural, not an option

3. stretch marks appear AFTER you give birth...ahhhh, so I wasn't out of the woods

4. giving yourself a shot only hurts if you do it wrong

5. medicine is not a science, it's a crapshoot

6. all parents should have to go through what adoptive parents have to go through...AND "just adopting" is bullshit. First of all it's an upwards of 20k, you have to write an insane resume and history of your life (and partners), you have to be okay'd by the agency, a social worker, and the birth mom, and you still deal with ignorant people.

7. people judge for stupid reasons

8. its really hard to breastfeed, even when the books say you are an idiot if you can't do it.

9. I'm never going to lose the weight.

10. there is no limit to the number of baby shows on TLC that I am willing to watch during the day.