wow....back at work

So, I've been back at work for like three weeks already. Honestly, work-wise, it's like I never left. Some people say "congrats, let me see a picture" while others don't really give a shit. It's interesting. I think being gone in the summer and working in higher ed has something to do with it.

So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?

Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.

So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.

how do teenagers do this?

I am watching the baby basically run the show everyday---as far as setting a schedule anyway. She goes where we do at this point, but we always need to be prepared. I am reading online and wherever about starting a routine for bedtime, but I don't know how to do that. Among other things, here are the things I am so completely unsure about and wonder how the 17-year-olds seem to be able to raise the unwanted pregnancies...

-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)

-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?

-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....

-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.

-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.

-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?

-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.

So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.

not happy baby....

Baby is groggy, sleepy, and NOT happy. I think she actually called me a bitch earlier today, but I can't confirm.

I am thinking it is because of the shots yesterday at the doctor's office. Everything is good...she's three pounds heavier than when she was born. Still some cord that hasn't come off yet, but that's not a big deal. So she got two shots, but like seven vaccines. Not sure how they get it all in there but whatever. In any case, the whole office got to see how pissed off she was. This was a new cry. I have to admit I was totally impressed with the speed of the nurse in injecting her and throwing her to me. Baby screamed like she was being stabbed....well...she was.

No fever, her legs are okay but man, she is so not herself. I keep picking her up when she starts fussing. She is sleeping it off, I suppose. I get it man, shots blow.

keeping on....

So, my nipples still hurt on occasion. I mean, nothing too crazy, but uncomfortable. It's been, oh about a week or so since I pumped at all. I don't need to, and there ain't much to pump anyway, but I'm noticing that I'm not back to normal yet. Maybe I won't get there, who knows?

I'm totally okay with moving on to the formula. I know I keep talking about it...well..on here anyway, but I'm happy we did what we did and I'd do it again. If and when we have another baby, I will. I may do more of a "let's make it to four weeks, now to six, now to eight, etc." I think saying I was going to breastfeed for six months made me feel like a failure, not someone trying to do something for my baby. So, lesson learned.

Short today....and I have to go and try to cut the baby's nails...she's asleep. It's frickin hard to get her when she's not squirming, but we go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't want to be a bad parent. We already forgot the blanket twice and had a naked kid in a cold room.

Damn, she's moving...dreaming, maybe? Here goes nothing.

Stir Crazy

So, a couple things here....first of all, even though I am actually really busy and occupied every day, both with the baby and the house (and things I have to do for work while I am using vacation days--figure THAT one out), I feel like I need out. Part of that is the continuous heat wave that pretty much keeps us in the house. That is not what I pictured. I was actually seeing us walking every day, going to the four coffee shops in town, blah blah blah. So far this summer's oppressive heat has really sucked.

SO, am I getting done what I want to? Um, no, not really. I am getting done what I have to and the house is relatively kept clean. For the first four weeks I was focusing on the breastfeeding thing and melting down and not really sleeping which just made me a complete mess. Now, I need to be productive but I'm still tired--even though she's really sleeping through the night. I'm going to bed too late, though.

Anyway, the two things that are on my mind are the fact that I AM getting a bit stir crazy and in need of adult contact, and that I feel a bit like this is temporary and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one I REALLY need to get over.

So, for example, I am almost needing d-man's approval when he comes home, making sure he notices what I've done (out of Good Housekeeping circa 1955). I feel like I need to have constant conversation and keep it happy because this is my time to have real conversation. It's just odd...yesterday HE was the one that said I seemed a bit stir crazy.

The other thing is more upsetting to me, I think. I constantly feel like I am going to drop the baby or fall down the stairs or something. I keep thinking that this whole parenting thing is temporary, that I am going back to normal soon. I don't know if this is a feeling of not deserving her or what, but it's a constant fear. When I am at the gym, I am constantly thinking that something is wrong. There is too much information about all things that can go wrong. Take that with my insecurities and it's pretty scary. So far she's doing great, so I know this is in my head.....but wow.

ugh...maybe just crazy.

things I have learned...top ten

So, I am thinking lately of the things that I have realized over the past year, well longer than that, but since this whole thing started. So, in no particular order:

1. people who shouldn't have multiple kids seem to have no problem doing so, while those who would make good parents have the issues.

2. either my pain tolerance really sucks, or there are a lot of women out there who totally kick ass...and I"m not one of them. no epidural, not an option

3. stretch marks appear AFTER you give birth...ahhhh, so I wasn't out of the woods

4. giving yourself a shot only hurts if you do it wrong

5. medicine is not a science, it's a crapshoot

6. all parents should have to go through what adoptive parents have to go through...AND "just adopting" is bullshit. First of all it's an upwards of 20k, you have to write an insane resume and history of your life (and partners), you have to be okay'd by the agency, a social worker, and the birth mom, and you still deal with ignorant people.

7. people judge for stupid reasons

8. its really hard to breastfeed, even when the books say you are an idiot if you can't do it.

9. I'm never going to lose the weight.

10. there is no limit to the number of baby shows on TLC that I am willing to watch during the day.

feeling summer is ending in July!

So, lots of goings on in the past few weeks, and yet nothing has happened. I mean, I am with the baby every day and all day and the time flies by. I have finally figured out ways to get to the gym and after my post-natal appointment , I have no restrictions so I am getting the bike ready and getting ON it. Of course my knee already hurts like a mother, but that's another blog.

So, anyway...still pumping but I am now down to once every 25-30 hours or so. I realize that I need to do it less and less in order for me to stop, or I'll keep getting the same 2 ounces out everyday. I'll admit, I don't feel guilty anymore. I think that baby A is totally thriving and starting to look chunk.

Now I only have a month left and the summer projects I needed to get done for work, still sit in my work bag. awesome. I also really have a tough time fitting in the cleaning that I need to do. I do get all the laundry done but the bathrooms are a mess and our bedroom is also a mess. Working on the hallways this afternoon. I wonder how all of this will get done when I go back to work. THAT should be interesting.

At least I won't be going out to buy things at Target or Babies R Us all the time....or online. It's not like I am not getting paid, but really. Thank god the baby IS here or I'd be broke.