not happy baby....

Baby is groggy, sleepy, and NOT happy. I think she actually called me a bitch earlier today, but I can't confirm.

I am thinking it is because of the shots yesterday at the doctor's office. Everything is good...she's three pounds heavier than when she was born. Still some cord that hasn't come off yet, but that's not a big deal. So she got two shots, but like seven vaccines. Not sure how they get it all in there but whatever. In any case, the whole office got to see how pissed off she was. This was a new cry. I have to admit I was totally impressed with the speed of the nurse in injecting her and throwing her to me. Baby screamed like she was being stabbed....well...she was.

No fever, her legs are okay but man, she is so not herself. I keep picking her up when she starts fussing. She is sleeping it off, I suppose. I get it man, shots blow.

keeping on....

So, my nipples still hurt on occasion. I mean, nothing too crazy, but uncomfortable. It's been, oh about a week or so since I pumped at all. I don't need to, and there ain't much to pump anyway, but I'm noticing that I'm not back to normal yet. Maybe I won't get there, who knows?

I'm totally okay with moving on to the formula. I know I keep talking about it...well..on here anyway, but I'm happy we did what we did and I'd do it again. If and when we have another baby, I will. I may do more of a "let's make it to four weeks, now to six, now to eight, etc." I think saying I was going to breastfeed for six months made me feel like a failure, not someone trying to do something for my baby. So, lesson learned.

Short today....and I have to go and try to cut the baby's nails...she's asleep. It's frickin hard to get her when she's not squirming, but we go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't want to be a bad parent. We already forgot the blanket twice and had a naked kid in a cold room.

Damn, she's moving...dreaming, maybe? Here goes nothing.

Stir Crazy

So, a couple things here....first of all, even though I am actually really busy and occupied every day, both with the baby and the house (and things I have to do for work while I am using vacation days--figure THAT one out), I feel like I need out. Part of that is the continuous heat wave that pretty much keeps us in the house. That is not what I pictured. I was actually seeing us walking every day, going to the four coffee shops in town, blah blah blah. So far this summer's oppressive heat has really sucked.

SO, am I getting done what I want to? Um, no, not really. I am getting done what I have to and the house is relatively kept clean. For the first four weeks I was focusing on the breastfeeding thing and melting down and not really sleeping which just made me a complete mess. Now, I need to be productive but I'm still tired--even though she's really sleeping through the night. I'm going to bed too late, though.

Anyway, the two things that are on my mind are the fact that I AM getting a bit stir crazy and in need of adult contact, and that I feel a bit like this is temporary and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one I REALLY need to get over.

So, for example, I am almost needing d-man's approval when he comes home, making sure he notices what I've done (out of Good Housekeeping circa 1955). I feel like I need to have constant conversation and keep it happy because this is my time to have real conversation. It's just odd...yesterday HE was the one that said I seemed a bit stir crazy.

The other thing is more upsetting to me, I think. I constantly feel like I am going to drop the baby or fall down the stairs or something. I keep thinking that this whole parenting thing is temporary, that I am going back to normal soon. I don't know if this is a feeling of not deserving her or what, but it's a constant fear. When I am at the gym, I am constantly thinking that something is wrong. There is too much information about all things that can go wrong. Take that with my insecurities and it's pretty scary. So far she's doing great, so I know this is in my head.....but wow.

ugh...maybe just crazy.

things I have learned...top ten

So, I am thinking lately of the things that I have realized over the past year, well longer than that, but since this whole thing started. So, in no particular order:

1. people who shouldn't have multiple kids seem to have no problem doing so, while those who would make good parents have the issues.

2. either my pain tolerance really sucks, or there are a lot of women out there who totally kick ass...and I"m not one of them. no epidural, not an option

3. stretch marks appear AFTER you give birth...ahhhh, so I wasn't out of the woods

4. giving yourself a shot only hurts if you do it wrong

5. medicine is not a science, it's a crapshoot

6. all parents should have to go through what adoptive parents have to go through...AND "just adopting" is bullshit. First of all it's an upwards of 20k, you have to write an insane resume and history of your life (and partners), you have to be okay'd by the agency, a social worker, and the birth mom, and you still deal with ignorant people.

7. people judge for stupid reasons

8. its really hard to breastfeed, even when the books say you are an idiot if you can't do it.

9. I'm never going to lose the weight.

10. there is no limit to the number of baby shows on TLC that I am willing to watch during the day.

feeling summer is ending in July!

So, lots of goings on in the past few weeks, and yet nothing has happened. I mean, I am with the baby every day and all day and the time flies by. I have finally figured out ways to get to the gym and after my post-natal appointment , I have no restrictions so I am getting the bike ready and getting ON it. Of course my knee already hurts like a mother, but that's another blog.

So, anyway...still pumping but I am now down to once every 25-30 hours or so. I realize that I need to do it less and less in order for me to stop, or I'll keep getting the same 2 ounces out everyday. I'll admit, I don't feel guilty anymore. I think that baby A is totally thriving and starting to look chunk.

Now I only have a month left and the summer projects I needed to get done for work, still sit in my work bag. awesome. I also really have a tough time fitting in the cleaning that I need to do. I do get all the laundry done but the bathrooms are a mess and our bedroom is also a mess. Working on the hallways this afternoon. I wonder how all of this will get done when I go back to work. THAT should be interesting.

At least I won't be going out to buy things at Target or Babies R Us all the time....or online. It's not like I am not getting paid, but really. Thank god the baby IS here or I'd be broke.

protective instinct

So, here we are in the sixth week of the baby's life. It's been five weeks of groundhog day. feed her, change her, burp her, change her clothes because she peed all over herself, research the weird sound she made online, do baby laundry, do regular laundry, don't sleep.
And yet...I feel so happy to be around her-and way overprotective. I am overprotective of both her but also of me, of my parenting skills and non-skills.

My mom wrote in a card something like "make your own mistakes." Even when she was here and I would ask her things she would say she didn't remember...which was probably the case, but I think she also didn't want to piss me off by offering advice. I knew that MIL was going to do that, and she didn't disappoint, but she has toned it down a bit, thanks to my husband....

I was getting really angry when MIL would tell me how to feed her or what babies did...blah blah blah. She also assumed we were doing what she did with her babies that no one has done since the 80s. She can't seem to fathom that we don't bathe her everyday. It's okay, though, because we are letting her know that things have changed. I just hope she takes the stuff out of the crib when the baby starts to move a bit more....

Now, I am also protective of the baby and other than my mom and MIL (and d-man obviously), I am nervous about leaving her with anyone. My sister in law is babysitting two weeks from now and I am trying to make sure she stays in one room and doesn't move her too much. She doesn't seem to get that the baby can't control her neck yet...no matter how many times I let her know. I have to let it go...but I still plan to let her know!

So, hopefully I can let my protectiveness stay inside a bit, so I can let the baby go through life. She's practically grown now at six weeks anyway.