to tell or not to tell

So, in the beginning of all of this, the d-man and I decided that we were going to share this struggle with our families. Okay, that was awkward, but whatever, it worked out since we were seeing everyone for the holidays. The more questionable thing was who of our friends were we to tell and how much should we share?

So...I went with the friends around me. I have some girlfriends that I hang out with pretty often, all of whom are single (well, one will be married soon) and none of whom have kids. I was embarrassed that I had these issues but I felt like I was holding back if I didn't share...so I did. At first it felt good, but they couldn't relate--and not because they weren't married or anything, but because you can't, I've realized, unless you go through it. I also shared with close friends who have kids and got similar reactions, except for my best friend who actually gets it. She is it, though. She said that I probably feel like I am scared that I won't have kids, that I am angry that this happened to me and terrified of what I am in for. That helped, not because those are good things, but that she kind of understood where I was coming from.

Since then, I have shared with others, and now I share with less. I've found that people don't know what to say or how to react, or think they are helping,...
Some seem to listen, only to not ask how I am doing. I know that people don't know what I want to hear, or maybe they don't think it's a big deal. The thing is, there are times when no one can say the right thing, and there are times when they really say something hurtful. People just don't seem to get it.

I've met others going through the same issues and they are invaluable...and the best people to listen. I joined a support group and it has been the best for me. The d-man is great but I can't keep burdening him. I think it comes down to the initial reaction. I have friends I share with, and those I don't. I have friends I initially shared with and don't update, and others who know every time I inject myself. There is a very small support group, but that works for me. Testing the waters may be the way to go.....

how did I get here??

So, I've been asking myself this question for quite some time now, or my dear husband (the d-man) and I have been asking it of each other. It seems bizarre, like we are on a different planet and keep trying to get back down to earth. I feel the need to let others know that I DON'T KNOW how we got here and hopefully this will provide an opportunity to share that.

Well, let me back up since this is the first ever blog I have ever written. I've been doing it the old fashioned way, keeping a journal, but it's too hard for me to remember to write or to actually read what I had written so this just seemed easier. Anyway, I or rather we, are what we have come to know as infertile. Interestingly, our doctor never actually used the word infertile, but after reading about 10 books on my own and perusing many websites concerning our condition, I've pretty much made the diagnosis. The rule of thumb is that if you've been trying for a year and are under 35 (I am ) then you are infertile. We knew after about six months that something was wrong, but the extent to our infertility we only found out about six months ago.

Here's the history, it's sadly short and sweet, and yet kinda feels long and drawn out. I found out after not getting my period (and disregard what you may think is TMI, because infertility is ALL TMI) that I had PCOS. Basically, I went to my gyno who did some blood tests and guessed at what I had. I wasn't ovulating, which if you know anything about TTC (trying to conceive) ovulating is pretty important. After giving me a drug to try to get me to ovulate and it not working, we were sent to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), better known as a Fertility Specialist to the rest of the world, for a barrage of tests. BOTH of us went through bloodwork, and tests on all the good things, ovaries, fallopian tubes, and sperm. Then we met with Dr. God and we got the news. Now, at this point I honestly thought we'd go in and be told to take a pill or god forbid, get an injection, but instead, two days before Christmas we found out that aside from PCOS, I have a blocked tube and the d-man has a low sperm count. On top of that, most of the sperm that he does have are shaped funny. We were told that our only option was in vitro fertilization (IVF). IVF is something that other people do, older people, the sister of a friend, that kind of thing. Needless to say, the holidays kinda sucked.

Where are we now? Well, the emotional roller coaster of the past six months will provide fodder for this blog but my reasoning for writing it is because we just went through IVF..and it didn't work. We had a chemical pregnancy, which is an early miscarriage. I won't go into IVF right now, but it's pretty intense. Now the roller coaster continues, and people must think I'm certifiably crazy. If so, I hope I can be somewhat entertaining, though, I do realize THIS particular blog isn't that exciting. What I want to do is educate people, not just about procedures and treatment, but about what I am feeling, how to act around me and how much this sucks. Really, I just want to get through it and if I can provide some insight into the work of infertility, so be it.