worry...but all good with me..

constant worry. I am getting a little bit away from it, though I think. I keep worrying now about the kicking, though lately she's pretty friggin active. Now I am just trying to be comfortable enough to work out. But anyway, back to the worry...

why? because everything is so fragile. It totally blows my mind how so many kids are born everyday and thrive after all of this. One of my infertile friends was having a fairly normal pregnancy thus far. I mean, she had her issues but it had been going well for the most part. At her 20 week ultrasound, however, they found her baby had a cleft palate. There could have been other issues as well, but so far that's been the major issue. But it IS major. I mean, that's a lifetime of surgeries and other issues. She has to deal with the baby at birth. I couldn't do it, I mean, I would, but how do you prepare for that?

I guess I don't know what to think about it all. I feel bad because I feel so horrible for her but so glad that's not my baby. I do worry about how we will raise her, god I worry about how to wash her. I am preparing as much as I can, but it's still pretty scary. I feel pretty excited for her to get here, though. We'll figure it out together..with daddy.

religion decison

So, since this whole thing started, I have known about the church's stance on IVF. By church, I mean the Catholics, of which I have been brought up to be. Personally, I've thought of leaving the church since before we got married. I disagree with what I believe are the small things, like sex before marriage, living together, masturbation, contraception and the big things, like homosexuality, abortion, and I think covering up molesting little boys is wrong. But now it's more of a big deal since the church believes our child is a product of evil, that IVF doesn't assist those who are infertile, but rather goes against god. Obviously, I don't agree.

Our decision has been ongoing. We've gone to an Episcopal church to check it out and found that there is way more pomp and circumstance than we are used to or feel comfortable with. The other Christian denominations seem too far off of what we actually believe. The thing is that I (not as much d-man) want to baptize our daughter. I mean, I do believe in my religion, just not what the pope says is right or wrong.

The hypocrisy is overwhelming. The church believes in all life, at conception, but has killed millions over the years. It believes in treating others in the name of Jesus, but seems to tolerate its priests' abhorrent behavior. That, in and of itself, almost had me out a few weeks ago. But, I digress...this is about the stance on IVF. I've mentioned the gist and tonight went online to read more. As usual, I just got angry. I don't get upset, I just get blown away by the ignorance and lack of understanding of how things actually work. People hold beliefs based on what they know...not new, that's everything, but with this issue, they get so holier than thou and it's annoying.

So, what are we going to do? Well, we will probably baptize her. We have to officially join the church together, so we'll see how that goes. I mean, we can always leave at a later date, and I don't want to make a mistake. Besides, I am a godmother three times over, and I don't want to disappoint. At least, not yet.

workouts

So, I have been expressing how much I love the yoga, and I do, but I skipped today. My reasoning? I was TIRED. I walked (walked!) with a friend for about a half hour this morning. It was hilly, and I was winded! I've run three marathons...did four spinning classes a week until I started stimming and I was tired walking?? Ugh, that totally frustrates me. But even so...I skipped yoga tonight. I had to bake something and I figured I wanted to get that done earlier than later. (raw eggs are bad, I know, but in chocolate, so GOOD...I'll be okay..I didn't lick off too much...)

Now I am in my rib pain position. It's rough tonight, man. Feels better at the moment, though. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to yoga!

never ceases to amaze me

Okay, so first of all, I was pretty pissed off this past weekend because the d-man went to visit friends. I had to work on Saturday, so I couldn't go. I did spend much time cleaning and was realizing that I do much of that around here. This of course, made me angry...then I started thinking about how d-man was seemingly, at least to me, going away on weekends (well, 2) and having fun while I had to stay here and work or do baby things. So, yes, I was seriously jealous, but also had to have a talk about the cleaning thing. I really do like my job, so I understand the issues, it just sucks if he wants to go away, especially if he wants to go with his friends...out. Now, I don't need to drink to have fun, but I can't hang lately, unless I can lean back. ugh. So, we had a discussion....I think that things will be good, unless d-man wants to go away again...not sure how I will react to that one.

Anyway, on his trip, he saw some friends, mainly friends of his best friend, but close enough where they came to our wedding. He was able to see two new-ish babies, too! One of the babies' parents, he found out did IVF. It is now getting seriously common, or I am now noticing, I guess. I mean, this is a couple our age, not in their 40s or whatever....their issues had nothing to do with waiting too long. I mean, have people had these issues forever? Are we now more infertile as a whole because of hormones in milk or something else? Well, whatever the reason, I feel almost comforted to know it's not just us. It was siblings of friends, and neighbors of relatives, and now it's people I work with, friends, people I went to school with. I am not saying I am happy that so many people struggle with this, in fact, it's not a good thing, but I don't feel as alone about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but it is NOT abnormal.

Update on the actual pregnancy...well, not much to report. I think I am supposed to be counting movements now, which of course makes me nervous that she's not moving enough. I think she is but I always worry. Shouldn't she be moving more? OH, I don't know...doc next week. I'll see what he says.

still hanging in there...

If it's possible to grow exponentially overnight in the belly area, I think I did it. Plus, I seemed to have put on 3 pounds since yesterday. Of course, that happened last week and went away. I think I obsess about the weight thing, because I'll bet I go down again tomorrow.

So, things are progressing...obviously getting bigger but thankfully my issues have stayed the same...the rib thing, which I will bring up every time I write, and damn I pee all the time. But that's been my life for 34 years, so I guess I'm used to it. The big issue now is all of the research that me and d-man have been reading about the vitamins I am or was taking. So vitamin D is good, or bad, but now good. Folic acid is apparently in everything we eat, plus all vitamins and guess what...causes cancer. Awesome. So, hopefully I have not screwed myself or my daughter.

There is so much crap to worry about. I feel like it's much worse now... I mean plastics are now horrible to heat up and cause cancer. The coloring in soda now causes cancer. Cell phones F up our brains. I'm not even gonna mention the texting. I suppose I can let the d-man continue to worry about it for now.

So, we got a tour of the maternity unit at our latest class. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised at it. I don't know, I figured that since much of the hospital is old and on the crappy side, it would be too. Not so. There was even a room for staff that was a suite. IF no other staff or family of staff have a baby when I do, we score. Of course if my FIL is the only anesthesiologist on when I have the baby, the epidural should be interesting. Lots of surprises...along with the whole labor and pain and blood and all that shit. Well, I've always thought of myself as tough. Guess we'll see....

Third trimester, holy shit!

So, it's official. According to my doctor, I am at 27 weeks as of yesterday, which by most of what I have been reading is the beginning of the third trimester. I feel like this has been the longest six months of my life...or almost 12 months, whatever. I mean I feel like we have so much to do since we have been putting things off....like getting a pediatrician, and figuring out how to friggin breast feed. But, that's okay. Three months is enough time. I hope.

Okay, the excitement this week, other than the pain and the visit to the doctor, which has gone away, was our first labor and delivery class. We are enrolled for three Thursdays. AND, we are the only couple in the class. There were two nursing students there, too, but other than that, just us. It was good. I was surprised at how, um, natural, or non-medical, it was. She was explaining (or pushing, I couldn't tell) natural labor without drugs. It was basic what happens when you go into labor stuff, but very down to earth. Next week we get a tour of the maternity ward...and we talk drugs. Should be fun!

So, the physical update is that although I wanted to gain three lbs in four weeks, it's looking like four. ugh....I suck, but it's okay. I was off the gym with the abdominal pain. Next week will be good, I swear. I feel huge, and I'm not hiding anything anymore, that's for sure. I'm still kind of pissed off that the ribs get smushed since I could totally hang if THAT felt okay. Ah, well, I'll get it back in three months.

Happy Valentine's Day, doc!

Okay, so today is v-day, which isn't that exciting, but today has been! I had a visit to the doctor that was unexpected. This wasn't because I wanted to say hi to him, but rather because somethings up, maybe, possibly...

We spent Saturday afternoon and night with some friends and we stayed overnight in Philly. I slept horribly on a double bed with the d-man and small pillows (not the crazy preggers pillow that I have graduated to). We went to breakfast and on the walk home I started getting achy pains on my abdomen but didn't think much of it. We ran some errands, finally ordered our expensive glider, and then went home to chill out. My achy pains started to get pretty bad.

I assumed it was what I have researched as round ligament pain. It was in that location, but it was pretty constant as opposed to the sudden shooting pain that seemed to be more common with that. Well, I decided that a yoga dvd would help...nope. Then the d-man actually drew a bath for me. That was awesome, even though I made him clean the tub first and it isn't exactly a soaking tub...probably way too hot for the baby, but I felt good while I was in there. Of course, the minute I got out it came back....was pretty bad when I went to bed, but the 4 times I went to the bathroom, I was okay, just moving gingerly...on purpose.

It was better but still there so I called the doctor this morning. He said to come in this afternoon, though he doesn't think it's anything. So, I did. He said that obstetrically, all is well (which is what I was afraid of..pre term labor or something). He said that if I feel worse to call him and he could send me for an ultrasound to see if something was wrong with my right ovary (it's on the right side), or if he'll check if it's something else, like appendicitis or something. SO, I am to call if it gets worse or I get scared that it isn't getting better. I like the doc...so I have no problem doing that.

The good thing is, d-man and I get to go to the peanut butter restaurant (yes, really) that we wanted to go to tonight. Funky peanut butter sandwiches..affordable. We are so romantic. Well, d-man gave me an awesome bath WITH candles, so I guess he is ;)

SO....hopefully, the pain will subside. I'll keep you posted.