more than two week wait

Infertile forever

2012-01-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

This week has been kind of emotional. I'm sure my period (yes, I get that now) may have something to do with it since I truly feel what my hormones actually do to me after all of this. But I can't blame that anymore. It's been a tough week because I realized that even though everything has changed, a lot has not.

I remember thinking, and actually reading in a lot of cases, that going through infertility was just that, going through it. I thought that once you "resolved" it, you went back to normal or came out on the other side weary but stronger. So, that's really not the case. I've changed through all of this and I what I went through was acceptance and treatment, and a successful pregnancy, but that didn't change anything. This may be a bad analogy, but when someone close to us dies, we grieve and get through it, but that person never comes back to life. We will always be sad that that person isn't here. It's the same thing, meaning, I'll always have to deal with the fact that I have this disease, we have this disease, and all that goes with that.

So, what brought this on? Well....two good friends of mine are pregnant with number 2. One member of my spinning class is having number 2. I found out about a number two with one co-worker about a month ago and another on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I lost it. No, not in front of anyone, but in the usual spot, my car. I don't know what happened. I do this to myself, I feel like. I mean, what is wrong? We have a beautiful child who is our life, so what am I so upset about? Someone else's happiness? Of course not, and that is so exactly like it was before. It's not that, it's a jealousy, it's a fear, it's a depressed state of mind and realization of where I am. It's not that we are trying to get pregnant, but that is just it. Even if it took them months to get there, it was still easy (and yes, I know these people so I do know none of them went through any kind of fertility treatment).

Even as soon as the baby was born I started thinking about having another one. I mean, I just always have had that in my mind. I want her to have a sibling. But, that may not ever happen. It's more money than we can afford, it will be harder since I am now over 35, we can't keep doing it. D-man has a fear that something will be wrong with the baby, because we would have to do this through treatments and my age, I guess. Also, we had a brief talk about it that got me more upset.

I don't know where he is with it, and his initial reaction was that it may be too expensive to try...or to try more than once. I see the point. Doing it a number of times takes the house completely away from us. But I don't care. I would do all of the shots and the pain and the emotional roller coaster again in a second. But it sucks that we have to. And it isn't fair. And if I want to be upset by that, I feel like I can. It doesn't take away from my loving the family I have. I just long for the family I dreamed of.

stress vent

2011-12-29T18:58:00.000-08:00

Soooo, the baby is now 7 and a half months old. I can say that I have been so busy with everything that I haven't had a second to post anything and I wouldn't be totally lying. I am able to do so now because I am out of town for work. I've got two major things to write about, I guess you could say. The first is the baby, and all that goes with trying to figure out what the hell I/we are doing with her (she was recently seriously congested and had a bad cough--I of course assumed it was whooping cough, although cold was another option). The second is my state of mind in general, which has been suspect lately, although getting better, and dealing with constantly thinking about well, everything like IVF and infertility and things out of my control.

The baby seems to be doing well, meeting the milestones and what-not. She gets sick, then gets us sick, then gets better, then we get better, and the cycle continues. Apparently, that's the beauty of daycare, but in two years, she'll have the immunity of gold. great. I should just have $15 debited from my account to the pediatrician every month for the co-pay. I hope we are feeding her the right way. Of course I don't want advice on that from my MIL and I don't want to ask any of my friends because then I look like I don't know what I am doing, and I can't have that, right? So, we read articles and books and do what we think is right and then read something totally different and worry that what we read before was wrong. But the next day comes and the baby grows....It is THE most stressful thing about her so far. And dear God I don't have time to read a whole friggin book about it. By the time I get home from work and clean up and do whatever else needs to get done, I'm too tired. That is a goal for the new year...read more about what we should be doing with the baby, well, and you know, eat better.

As for the other thing, I don't know if I have been depressed or what but I did look into therapy or a counselor or something. I am not totally thinking that route now, though, because for whatever reason, I feel significantly better. Since I have been back at work, I've had a lot more stress there than ever for various reasons. That and taking care of the baby have me highly stressed. I've been blaming d-man for things, whether it is legit or not. I was having these thoughts that he felt like he was losing his life, and it wasn't good enough anymore because he wasn't traveling the world with his buddy. I don't know....I don't want to stop him from doing things that make him happy (although a potential week away on a boat without me was a bit much...not happening, by the way), but I guess since I am sort of happy just coming home and hanging out with him and the baby, that he should be too. So, we did talk about it, and he IS very happy.

I think part of the stress is money (isn't it always?). We don't have enough, we'll never have enough and there's a lot to think about. We want to buy a house and live in a neighborhood with families and yards...we rent right now. Where we are, the houses we like are about $400,000. The easy math on a down payment is $80,000. No, we don't have that lying around. We are both so friggin far behind our friends that it's depressing. We want another baby, too. To TRY for that is minimally $7,000-10,000 and that's with a cheap RE. I'm not going to get into the fairness of that, but I think about it, a lot. I had to go into the house/baby fund because I haven't been really good with budgeting all things baby (daycare, food, etc) and um, Christmas. So, new year, more tightening of the belt. The sick thing about this? We are in the top 10% in this country (not 1%....so we ARE in the 99%). The problem is we weren't when the housing market was booming.

Anyway, the having another baby (and ONE..which is another blog post) has me worried a lot. Can we, will we, how can we afford it? I get so angry that we have to go through all of this again. I have heard of stories where people get pregnant after IVF. In all honesty, my cycle is pretty normal now, but I am pretty sure my having a baby did nothing to d-man's sperm count. Plus I know some of my hormones are still out of whack. I mean, not everything changed. So, I have been focusing on it lately, and getting myself all upset. Why?? I have definitely realized that having a baby doesn't totally change the fact that we deal with this crap.

BUT, I digress.....I don't mean to have a long-ish vent, since I am supposed to be focused with this blog, though I guess it's changed. It's just that so many things affect life in general, and the IF thing keeps making it difficult. I am learning, to focus on good things, and plan, and live life. I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of it. And I will try to write more...as along as it is relevant.

Don't worry...I actually feel pretty good right now.

wow....back at work

2011-08-30T18:58:00.001-07:00

So, I've been back at work for like three weeks already. Honestly, work-wise, it's like I never left. Some people say "congrats, let me see a picture" while others don't really give a shit. It's interesting. I think being gone in the summer and working in higher ed has something to do with it.

So, anyway...baby is at daycare. We are finally figuring out how to eat there, though it is never as much as we want or as much as the d-man and I have no problem getting her to eat on the weekends. Its the same with the MIL, who watches her on Fridays. No one can feed her, I think, like we can. The eating thing will always confuse the hell out of me. ALL the books say she should have like 30 ounces or 2.5 x her weight....which is over 30. She's had 30 ounces like once. It's way too much for her. She's gaining weight, peeing like a champ, etc etc. so I'm not too concerned about it, but what the hell?

Other than that, I think daycare is fine. It's three really fat women taking care of eight babies. Not being around her everyday kind of sucks and I really like the weekends. It makes it worse when we hang out with the inlaws because she gets taken over...maybe that will slow down now that the summer is over. I want her all to myself; well with the d-man.

So the other interesting thing about being a working mom is that I've been sick for over a week...I am positive I got it from the baby. She has a runny nose and I have that plus congestion, coughing, etc. First of many! Hell, MY immune system is hard at work.

how do teenagers do this?

2011-08-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I am watching the baby basically run the show everyday---as far as setting a schedule anyway. She goes where we do at this point, but we always need to be prepared. I am reading online and wherever about starting a routine for bedtime, but I don't know how to do that. Among other things, here are the things I am so completely unsure about and wonder how the 17-year-olds seem to be able to raise the unwanted pregnancies...

-so nothing in the crib and I am now terrified to put a blanket anywhere near her after reading about all of the kids suffocating. So, onsie is too cold, pajamas are hopefully not too hot? Sleep sack definitely too hot. Grandma says all blankets are fine. (AND keeps mentioning that it's a shame we can't put her to sleep on her stomach--yes, she's watching her on Fridays when I go back to work)

-eating amount is based on weight, but she doesn't go to the doc til the end of september. I guess I can try the bathroom scale since she never says "hey, can I have another ounce?" Who knows if it will work...?

-is it worse to be in a bouncy seat all day or to lay on her back? She's gotta be bored....

-what time IS bedtime? We are trying for 10, but does that mean she'll get up at five? And not to complain, but is it bad that she sleeps seven or eight hours sometimes? when do we give her a kid bedtime, like 8, and do we still feed her at 10? If she eats every three hours, we have to in order to get to the magic amount of formula.

-she always rolls on her side when she goes to bed. Of course I read that's bad. She doesn't listen to me.

-why does everyone always ask if she's sleeping through the night anyway?

-how the hell can the same toys dangling in front of her provide her with hours of entertainment? And sometimes they actually piss her off.

So there are so many uneducated people with kids....granted some give them kool-aid in bottles, but most of them seem to do it okay. I am more paranoid than most and am still in constant fear of something happening to her--but I think that's because of all the shit we went through to get her here. I guess it's a constant learning process....I just need to be told that everything is fine.

not happy baby....

2011-07-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

Baby is groggy, sleepy, and NOT happy. I think she actually called me a bitch earlier today, but I can't confirm.

I am thinking it is because of the shots yesterday at the doctor's office. Everything is good...she's three pounds heavier than when she was born. Still some cord that hasn't come off yet, but that's not a big deal. So she got two shots, but like seven vaccines. Not sure how they get it all in there but whatever. In any case, the whole office got to see how pissed off she was. This was a new cry. I have to admit I was totally impressed with the speed of the nurse in injecting her and throwing her to me. Baby screamed like she was being stabbed....well...she was.

No fever, her legs are okay but man, she is so not herself. I keep picking her up when she starts fussing. She is sleeping it off, I suppose. I get it man, shots blow.

keeping on....

2011-07-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

So, my nipples still hurt on occasion. I mean, nothing too crazy, but uncomfortable. It's been, oh about a week or so since I pumped at all. I don't need to, and there ain't much to pump anyway, but I'm noticing that I'm not back to normal yet. Maybe I won't get there, who knows?

I'm totally okay with moving on to the formula. I know I keep talking about it...well..on here anyway, but I'm happy we did what we did and I'd do it again. If and when we have another baby, I will. I may do more of a "let's make it to four weeks, now to six, now to eight, etc." I think saying I was going to breastfeed for six months made me feel like a failure, not someone trying to do something for my baby. So, lesson learned.

Short today....and I have to go and try to cut the baby's nails...she's asleep. It's frickin hard to get her when she's not squirming, but we go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't want to be a bad parent. We already forgot the blanket twice and had a naked kid in a cold room.

Damn, she's moving...dreaming, maybe? Here goes nothing.

Stir Crazy

2011-07-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, a couple things here....first of all, even though I am actually really busy and occupied every day, both with the baby and the house (and things I have to do for work while I am using vacation days--figure THAT one out), I feel like I need out. Part of that is the continuous heat wave that pretty much keeps us in the house. That is not what I pictured. I was actually seeing us walking every day, going to the four coffee shops in town, blah blah blah. So far this summer's oppressive heat has really sucked.

SO, am I getting done what I want to? Um, no, not really. I am getting done what I have to and the house is relatively kept clean. For the first four weeks I was focusing on the breastfeeding thing and melting down and not really sleeping which just made me a complete mess. Now, I need to be productive but I'm still tired--even though she's really sleeping through the night. I'm going to bed too late, though.

Anyway, the two things that are on my mind are the fact that I AM getting a bit stir crazy and in need of adult contact, and that I feel a bit like this is temporary and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. That one I REALLY need to get over.

So, for example, I am almost needing d-man's approval when he comes home, making sure he notices what I've done (out of Good Housekeeping circa 1955). I feel like I need to have constant conversation and keep it happy because this is my time to have real conversation. It's just odd...yesterday HE was the one that said I seemed a bit stir crazy.

The other thing is more upsetting to me, I think. I constantly feel like I am going to drop the baby or fall down the stairs or something. I keep thinking that this whole parenting thing is temporary, that I am going back to normal soon. I don't know if this is a feeling of not deserving her or what, but it's a constant fear. When I am at the gym, I am constantly thinking that something is wrong. There is too much information about all things that can go wrong. Take that with my insecurities and it's pretty scary. So far she's doing great, so I know this is in my head.....but wow.

ugh...maybe just crazy.

things I have learned...top ten

2011-07-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, I am thinking lately of the things that I have realized over the past year, well longer than that, but since this whole thing started. So, in no particular order:

1. people who shouldn't have multiple kids seem to have no problem doing so, while those who would make good parents have the issues.

2. either my pain tolerance really sucks, or there are a lot of women out there who totally kick ass...and I"m not one of them. no epidural, not an option

3. stretch marks appear AFTER you give birth...ahhhh, so I wasn't out of the woods

4. giving yourself a shot only hurts if you do it wrong

5. medicine is not a science, it's a crapshoot

6. all parents should have to go through what adoptive parents have to go through...AND "just adopting" is bullshit. First of all it's an upwards of 20k, you have to write an insane resume and history of your life (and partners), you have to be okay'd by the agency, a social worker, and the birth mom, and you still deal with ignorant people.

7. people judge for stupid reasons

8. its really hard to breastfeed, even when the books say you are an idiot if you can't do it.

9. I'm never going to lose the weight.

10. there is no limit to the number of baby shows on TLC that I am willing to watch during the day.

feeling summer is ending in July!

2011-07-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

So, lots of goings on in the past few weeks, and yet nothing has happened. I mean, I am with the baby every day and all day and the time flies by. I have finally figured out ways to get to the gym and after my post-natal appointment , I have no restrictions so I am getting the bike ready and getting ON it. Of course my knee already hurts like a mother, but that's another blog.

So, anyway...still pumping but I am now down to once every 25-30 hours or so. I realize that I need to do it less and less in order for me to stop, or I'll keep getting the same 2 ounces out everyday. I'll admit, I don't feel guilty anymore. I think that baby A is totally thriving and starting to look chunk.

Now I only have a month left and the summer projects I needed to get done for work, still sit in my work bag. awesome. I also really have a tough time fitting in the cleaning that I need to do. I do get all the laundry done but the bathrooms are a mess and our bedroom is also a mess. Working on the hallways this afternoon. I wonder how all of this will get done when I go back to work. THAT should be interesting.

At least I won't be going out to buy things at Target or Babies R Us all the time....or online. It's not like I am not getting paid, but really. Thank god the baby IS here or I'd be broke.

protective instinct

2011-07-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

So, here we are in the sixth week of the baby's life. It's been five weeks of groundhog day. feed her, change her, burp her, change her clothes because she peed all over herself, research the weird sound she made online, do baby laundry, do regular laundry, don't sleep.
And yet...I feel so happy to be around her-and way overprotective. I am overprotective of both her but also of me, of my parenting skills and non-skills.

My mom wrote in a card something like "make your own mistakes." Even when she was here and I would ask her things she would say she didn't remember...which was probably the case, but I think she also didn't want to piss me off by offering advice. I knew that MIL was going to do that, and she didn't disappoint, but she has toned it down a bit, thanks to my husband....

I was getting really angry when MIL would tell me how to feed her or what babies did...blah blah blah. She also assumed we were doing what she did with her babies that no one has done since the 80s. She can't seem to fathom that we don't bathe her everyday. It's okay, though, because we are letting her know that things have changed. I just hope she takes the stuff out of the crib when the baby starts to move a bit more....

Now, I am also protective of the baby and other than my mom and MIL (and d-man obviously), I am nervous about leaving her with anyone. My sister in law is babysitting two weeks from now and I am trying to make sure she stays in one room and doesn't move her too much. She doesn't seem to get that the baby can't control her neck yet...no matter how many times I let her know. I have to let it go...but I still plan to let her know!

So, hopefully I can let my protectiveness stay inside a bit, so I can let the baby go through life. She's practically grown now at six weeks anyway.

week 2-3....daddy back to work...mommy melting down

2011-06-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this posting has to be about my experience with breastfeeding because that is really the only issue right now. When the baby cries, it's one of three things...diaper, burp, or feed. I think we have that down. It's just, it's the feeding thing that has made me a crazy mess for the past two weeks.

First of all, she lost weight from the freak out visit to the doc to her next visit four days later--four ounces, which to us seemed exponential. We were assured at the doc to keep trying to breastfeed, that we were doing okay, not to give up, blah blah blah. SO, we went home that night and she cried...and cried and cried bloody murder. Which made me cry and cry, and d-man was on the verge. So, we gave her formula because I tried to feed her for like two hours and there was nothing in there to give! She slept, she was good. She was fed. I called the lactation consultant the following day.

I knew that breastfeeding was going to be a challenge for me. We had talked about it. BUT, my challenge was going to be feeding her as often as I had to, pumping at work and storing milk. I hadn't even imagined that there could be something else, like not having enough. The books say that it is common to think that you don't have enough milk. In fact, the nurse at the pediatrician, friends, sisters of friends, my MIL, everyone said that my milk would come in and I'd feel it. I have yet to feel anything but a couple of hard spots, I guess you could say. I have also read that PCOS who have babies have like a 33% chance of having a low milk supply. That's a lot, I think. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't relate to me. I read too much about normal people...ever since the pregnancy became normal, I forgot that I wasn't. Well, it's come back with a vengeance now. Of course, I don't REALLY know if that is what is causing this, but it's a pretty good guess.

So, anyway...we met with the lactation consultant (LC) the day before she turned two weeks. She looked at the baby, at her latch, at how I was feeding her, etc. She dismissed the doctors, of course, and gave us a plan. I was to supplement (already was, of course), but with breastmilk if I had it, formula, if I didn't. I was then supposed to nurse her and then pump to get the milk supply to come in or up. SO, every 2-3 hours I gave her some breastmilk, nursed as long as she would, give her more supplement, then pump with a hospital grade pump. We rented the pump ($150), paid the LC ($130), bought organic formula and went for it. By we, I mean really me....

At first, I bawled my eyes out while pumping. I kept thinking how worried I was about other people (re:MIL) not watching out for her by putting her in the sun too much or if other people were manhandling her....but then I sat there thinking how I was the one hurting her. It was rough, and I am sure my raging hormones didn't help anything. Poor d-man didn't know what to do. Then, as the week progressed...and my mom came out to help...it was more disappointment than anything else. I was getting an ounce or a bit more each time-from both breasts with a super pump. It was 8-10 ounces, which WAS a third of her food at least, but the pumping with this thing hurts and doing it so much is really grading on me.

I talked to the LC throughout the week and she came by a week later to see how things were. Well, the baby DID gain 10 ounces and was almost to her birthweight at her two week appointment. We were super excited about that. So, now the baby was fine. I wasn't, but she was so that made us able to exhale a bit. At the meeting with the LC, she agreed that I probably wasn't going to make much more. I could try drugs. I was already taking herbs, but the drugs scare me a bit. D-man was on these same drugs for what they are FDA approved for (gastro issues) and I was debating using them for what the side-effect is (milk production). Would that have worked? I don't know. For some it does, for some it doesn't. No way to tell about the future effects on the baby....and I really don't want to take that chance. That being the case, we've decided to stop.

It was hard, but at the same time, not really. I feel confident about our decision, even though I know d-man really wanted her to be nursed for six months. I wanted to do what was best for her, but I really think that I am now. I mean if I am struggling, she'll know that. She is getting six weeks (after a long weaning) of breastmilk at some level. I'm still upset about it, but in the grand scheme of things, it's okay. I was formula-fed and I think I turned out pretty well. We are getting the good organic formula and she seems to be fine taking it.

Part of this is the overwhelming pressure I feel from everyone...books, relatives, friends..to nurse. I worry that people will think I am not doing enough because, yes, there is more I could try. The LC is supportive because she knows what it is like to pump all the time. I was never really excited to be pumping the little I thought I was going to so this is tough. I need to get over it. I know people are trying to be helpful by offering advice of my next step, but moving on to formula feeding IS our next step. I've also read that a happy mommy=a happy baby and I believe that as well. I will always feel like I failed, like my body again didn't do what it was supposed to, but again, we have a healthy baby, and that's all that matters.

first week home score: baby-1 mommy and daddy-0

2011-06-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am completely exhausted right now. When the books say don't clean and leave the laundry...really, they mean it. I mean the bathtub looks amazing, but probably not worth it. Today is the two week mark, not of her birth, but of my going into labor. I should have realized that the labor was the easy part. I mean, I knew that the first week...well, almost two...were going to be hard, but this is ridiculous.

I'm wondering what it is like for those who do not attempt to breastfeed. I think that getting up to feed, even though if the baby is anything like my daughter, she'll fight getting up, isn't as hard when you can switch off who does it, and the food is dependent on mixing it, not making it. I knew that nursing was going to suck (no pun intended) but I didn't realize how much and why during this first couple of weeks. First of all, the books say it's easy. Everything says it's the best, which is why I am doing it...not for me or any crazy "I love to see the baby suckling" thing...it's all for her. I should just "get it" and so should she. Doctors say otherwise, that we are both learning. I think that is obvious. The other issue is the actual milk. It ain't exactly flowing...and everyone says that it WILL, but it is making things hard...it's there, but not in crazy amounts.

So, the first week was initiated with a visit from a home nurse to take blood from the baby and check her out because she was a bit jaundiced, nothing too crazy, though. That was fine, though I really didn't like seeing her get blood taken from her foot. That was the first of my protective instincts, I guess. I mean, I could slice my finger off and be better with that than see her in pain. That is unreal. I don't want to be overprotective or anything so I need to work on that. Anyway, the week was also filled with visits to the inlaws, where I had the same feelings. MIL wanted to dote on her (fine) and take her for walks down the bug-infested and sun/heat filled driveway. My pleas of "keep her out of the sun" were dismissed and I just wanted to take the baby away from all of this craziness. Something else to get used to....

Still throughout, I was nursing...attempting...I started to get real milk in, but not to the extent that she was jumping at sucking on me. She still isn't at that point. Neither am I. By the end of the weekend, she was not waking to eat, seemed lethargic and we actually called the doc. Things were okay...and that was our first freak out call to the doctor during off-hours.

And THAT was the first week.....

birth story......long

2011-06-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Okay...so after being overdue, I HAD to actually have the baby, right? Before I whine about my struggles dealing with having a five-day old baby, I will have to offer up the birth story.

Well...we had scheduled an induction for the Tuesday after memorial day. We were going to go in on Monday night to get some kind of drug that would take 8 hours to ripen my cervix (ever the problem..). So, we were going to spend the weekend doing memorial day things...hanging out my my inlaws' pool, going to the parade, etc.

Saturday morning we got up and went for a walk...about a three mile one, which for me at this point was a lot. Right afterwards, we went to brunch and then home to change and off to the pool. I was actually hoping to jump in since it was really friggin hot out, but the water was still pretty cold, so I only got the feet and legs in. I DID bust out my bikini, but with a tank top. I was HOT, let me tell you. So, anyway, about the time we started snacking by the pool, I started to get cramps. Since this was nothing new, I just ignored it, always thinking in the back of my mind, that it either meant something, or had to be helping. They got worse and more frequent throughout the afternoon and after dinner. So, we left after dessert, though the d-man had to help out with some computer issue (par for the course when we go over there). I was fine with the cramps, and was thinking that "what if they are real contractions and I have a high tolerance for pain and am late going to the hospital?" hahaha, no.

Things got a hell of a lot more interesting at home. For whatever reason, the cramps, and I will call them contractions now, started to really hurt. So, we went into stop the labor pain mode, as exemplified in the books and classes. I took a shower, d-man massaged my back, I got on the ball. Honestly, it still hurt. I was sworn to NOT call the doc until they were exactly five minutes apart. According to him, it was amazing that they actually were so accurately FIVE minutes apart. So, we started to time them on the iphone (you'd think there was app for that, but we just used the stopwatch). They were 12 minutes, then six, then two, then 17....you get the idea. I did NOT want to call if it wasn't where it was supposed to be but I had also read that the pre-labor contractions that weren't active labor, were not that bad. I know I read that you could do chores, or go to the movies, or whatever...um, no, not feeling like I wanted to do that, and the d-man saw that and called the doc anyway. They said, come on in.

So, we got everything...bag, carseat, money, and left around 3:20am for the hospital. We had to check in at the ER since it was the middle of the night, but got wheeled right up there pretty quickly. Contractions were still moving right along...but with no real consistency. I was always told, "you'll know" when it's the real deal, but now is where I was questioning things as well as my self-perceived pain tolerance. The nurse and the OB on call came in. The nurse was not memorable and we had communication issues with the doc. Not just because her accent was incredibly hard to understand but she was one of those people who didn't really listen to you, but rather waited until you were done so she could tell you the "right" information. Anyway, I went for a walk in the hall for a very short time period but had to go back to the room. Doc checked me and I was just about 100% effaced but only one centimeter dilated. At this point, we were told I was in early labor (not real) because I was probably dehydrated (spent the day at the pool) and since we were going to induce anyway, we would just be admitted and start the induction process in the morning. This, of course, means eight hours of getting the cervix ready BEFORE doing the pitocin, which I was NOT happy about....it was now about 4am and we were told to hang tight, take in fluid via IV and she'll come back around 6 to check again, but not to expect much.

So, I once played a softball game, well, half an inning of defense (catching!) with a broken arm. Not a total clean break, obviously, but still. Non-throwing arm, so it was fine... that and my numerous injuries led me to believe that I could handle this. BUT, I was just told I was in the "hey, you can still go to the mall" phase and things weren't going so well in the room. I would pace around, lay in the bed, go to the bathroom...didn't matter. This was easily the most pain I had ever felt and a LOT of it was in my back. I was later told this is back labor...if you can avoid it, DO SO. I was sort of able to go in and out of sleep but when a contraction came I was pretty much at a loss. It was at this point that I was contemplating the drugs...and NOT just the epidural, but the drugs I swore I wouldn't get. My thinking was eight hours of this was NOT going to fly.....

So at 7:15am (yep a FULL hour after they said) doc came in with the new nurse (7am change) and was ready to check me again. Just as she was ready to come in I swear I had like three intense contractions back to back to back. Not sure if this is possible but then it lasted forever. Finally she checked. 4-5 centimeters. BITCH!!! I couldn't believe it! I wasn't going to be waiting; I could get an epidural. (funny how the plan was...if I needed it...yeah...) So at 7:30 they did a shift change with the docs and my new nurse (who said we will re-meet each other after the epidural) was with me. Before the new on call doc came in, who was actually one of my regular OB's, the new anesthesiologist came in (the last one even came with a bad rep from my FIL) and we were good to go. I had one contraction during the process but then immediately felt a warmth like I was in a bath. I said this and apparently that wasn't what I was supposed to feel. So, I got back into bed with the monitors on and felt my legs go completely numb.

Okay, this wasn't how the epidural was supposed to go. He explained it to us how it went too far and he didn't see fluid so he injected (I had no idea what the hell he was talking about just that I couldn't feel my legs). So...my blood pressure started to drop. They gave me epinephrin and the baby's heart rate started to go up. awesome. They put an oxygen mask on me and I was basically monitored for the next two hours and they told us to get some sleep. Before that my doc (yeah) came in and I was at six centimeters. She broke my water, which I didn't feel and I guess there was a lot (yeah, baby not 10 pounds!) She left us to rest. I couldn't really, but I guess I relaxed. D-man and his dad (who was there "overseeing") went to get food. Then he came back and HE got some sleep.

The idea was that as I progressed, the numbness would subside. I had a pins and needles feeling in my hands and arms. It went up that high. Over the course of our resting period, feeling came back there and I started to get feeling moving down, so this was good. When the doc came back a couple of hours later, she checked and I was at nine. Talk about moving right along. We were getting ready at this point. Of course now the block was sort of wearing off and I could actually move (yes I couldn't even do this) my feet. Now d-man and I were just waiting it out. The exciting thing was that since the bolus (for the epidural to go in) was just hanging there, I was feeling the contractions...not all the way but still. The anesthesiologist came in and asked how I was (timing is great) and he put that in, eventually twice, so the feeling that I got back? gone. I could again not move my lower extremities. I was assured I could still push the kid out. And that was coming next.

Over the course of this, d-man got a text that his mom and sister were coming to sit in the waiting room. We didn't want them to, but they do what they want, so whatever. d-man made sure they knew that they were not to come to the labor room (they weren't allowed but with d-man's dad as a doc there, special privileges were abundant). My FIL said they would respect our wishes. He contradicted himself about an hour later when he asked to come in to watch but I nicely said no way to that. Thankfully my doc was very good about asking me first.

Push time was interesting. Since I was on an epidural, the contractions weren't that fast, so there was a lot of waiting around. Hanging with us was Karen the nurse (not the original one..she had an emergency c-section, but Karen was cool, too), Keli the resident, Jen the intern, my doc and d-man. The doc and Jen kept going in and out to check on the other rooms but everyone else stayed put. We basically shot the shit between contractions/pushes. It was weird. D-man, who's birth plan included looking me in the eye and counting from one to ten, ended up holding one of my legs and witnessing the whole gory thing. I think it traumatized him a little. I heard "is that normal?" at least once. It was difficult and odd with no real feeling, to push, not that I have anything to compare it to. Once it was clear she was actually coming, they put on battle gear--more scrubs, glasses...d-man was like, what the hell?? Anyway, she kind of came out on her own. It was the oddest feeling, like being emptied, similar when the placenta came out but obviously not as big. She seemed big to me, the baby, when they put her on my chest, but she was perfect. D-man cut the cord, thankfully. We were worried he wouldn't be able to because there was a small amount of miconium that could have been in her mouth, but she cried right out, so it was all good. They checked her out as d-man grabbed the camera and went to town. I was getting attended to, stitched up (yeah!) and then they put her back on my chest for some more pics and some feeding. At some point, D-man's mom and dad and sister came in to see her. Whatever they were there at that point, and I knew they wouldn't have to follow the regular rules. Who wouldn't want to see the perfect little girl?

My first nurse came in a bit later, they were a tag team, and basically cleaned me and the table up. I am sure its cool to see babies being born, but the other part of that is pretty disgusting. But then, being a nurse has the whole bedpan, catheter thing that goes along with it.

I got the epidural out, and moved to my room for the first time. They took the baby to the nursery for her first of MANY check-ups. They washed her too....she kinda needed that. Over the next two days we were hanging in the room with the baby (except when they stole her), nurses and whoever else came in unannounced many times for whatever, to check me, vitals, bring drugs, take blood. I had to make sure the d-man was dressed at all times. It's definitely NOT a hotel room! We DID have the sweet suite, though, with a room with the couchbed and chairs and TV that we didn't watch because you had to pay for it. We were NOT bored, so we didn't need it. D-man's family came with food at one point, which was good. The anesthesiologist came by to see how I was and my regular OB--the one I see most often--came by, once finding out that we weren't induced. We did one more class which was mostly about breastfeeding, something that was turning out to be quite a challenge by the end of the stay, and we were sent home with a slightly jaundiced baby. (she's fine now...and I'm healing up myself!)

41 weeks....and counting

2011-05-27T05:20:00.001-07:00

Soooo, we went to the doctor's yesterday. I had the non-stress test (heart rate of the baby) and an ultrasound, which I hadn't had it a while (yes, it IS a girl). Baby is fine and there is more fluid than average but not too much. This is GOOD, because I totally though I was going to have a 10 pound baby. Afterwards we (yes, d-man came with me) had a usual appointment. I am, wait for it...not dilated. Now, as I am learning, I am not totally doing nothing down there, cervix is soft and short and something else....but not open. Well, maybe a tiny bit. BUT, it doesn't matter, I have to have everything working to be favorable.

The last appointment with the doc he told me that he was amazed that I was always in a good mood. Weakness is for wimps. This time I immediately asked about induction, which I TOTALLY don't/didn't want. He is not one of those docs who pushes it, in fact, he's the opposite. He said because I was making progress and because I never complain that I am pretty serious, so we went with Tuesday. I had talked about that date with d-man because it gives us a little more time to hope it will happen (HA) but it isn't too long...so that's it. We are either going in on Monday night or Tuesday morning. Because Monday is memorial day, we have to get VIP treatment to do this (d-mans dad is a senior member of the hospital staff, but we really don't want to piss off any nurses...). We'll probably go in Monday, though.

Plan is this, from what I understand....topical drug to "ripen" the cervix which is supposed to work overnight, then the from what I understand, horrible drug pitocin to start contractions the next day and because of the pitocin....probably epidural!

I am kinda wondering if we go in Monday if that means we leave on Wednesday morning, which is kind of scary, but maybe not. I never asked about that but maybe the two-night stay thing is after the baby is born?? who knows?

Anyway, memorial day weekend is beginning...well, tomorrow, and we are planning to swim, garden, and continue to prep. MAYBE I'll go into labor. hahahaha

wait is way more than two weeks...

2011-05-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

Soooooo, woke up again to nothing. Well, I DID get to go to the bathroom every hour or so and each time I got into bed I felt cramping--that went away in a minute. I've never wanted to feel pain more in my life. I made the mistake of eating probably too much for dinner. UGH. My stomach is NOT big enough right now. Granted it was Indian (spicy food, check) but I need to realize that I can't eat a serving-even if I am hungry. At that point there is no way to get comfortable. AND it was friggin HOT last night in the living room.

Is this bitching? I think so. I put on facebook how I was annoyed with waiting and got so many people saying how they went a week late, etc. I don't know if that's reassuring or a guarantee that this kid is NOT coming until at least Friday. I hope not later than that because we have a wedding three four weeks from Friday and she needs to be able to take a bottle. I don't know that three weeks is enough time for that. That's not the real reason I want her to get here, tough. I am uncomfortable and bored out of my skull.

Damn kid is already showing traits of my husbands family by being LATE!!!

TMI and TMP

2011-05-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, first of all, I am now officially overdue. My doctor did say that the due date is a median--half of his patients go before that and half go after. Riiight. I get that, but why am I in the "after" group? I am extremely uncomfortable. We did have a crazy picnic today and I probably ate too much, but I can't imagine THAT would make me feel THIS huge. There is no room for this girl in here. Trying all the labor induction stuff, but it doesn't work. Sex may have helped, since later that night, I actually saw a little blood (yes, that's good), so maybe there is some dilation going on. One can hope.

Anyway, my time at home has been sort of productive. I did put the bouncy seat together, got the thank you cards done and mostly sent, cleaned up, finished the nursery, watched "I didn't know I was pregnant" like eight times, and began to read the books from the labor class. So, yeah, this freaked me out. I'm only through the beginning and the part about all of the tests that they do when the baby is born. There's like six that they HAVE to do, but most hospitals do more. These are like the diseases that can't be cured but if you know right away that your kid needs to avoid food or something, you can sort of have a life with the baby?? But you have to know in like two days...and THEN it says you don't get the results for 10 days? WTF?!! So, again, more information is NOT good for me.

TMP is too much pink. There is too much pink in my house, but mainly in her room! The other day I had lunch with the MIL and she brought by one of THE boxes. We've gotten, or I should say I've gotten, because sometimes I wonder if she realizes the d-man is a part of this, too, like five or six of these boxes. They are from some baby boutique. That is the kiss of death. It is WHERE one gets prissy, ugly, mostly pink outfits that ONLY a 60-year-old can love. Honestly, I've really disliked all of these outfits. Of course I don't/can 't SAY that but they are in the back of the closet for the most part and will only be put on her at grandma's when I am not around.

Of course, not all pink was from the MIL, there is a lot elsewhere but I have a possibly (or completely, if it were up to the d-man) irrational uncomfortable feeling about the MIL. I understand that the grandparents love to just buy shit...and its what they like, not what I like, I mean I GET that, but I feel like she does that kind of thing for just about everything. She comes to the room and "offers" to help with it by doing things we didn't ask for and giving us advice that we don't want. I don't say a word. Maybe I should, because she isn't going to know me at all otherwise, she has a hard time understanding me in general, but my opinion is asked in this way..."this is beautiful, don't you think?" what?? I guess the idea that her not trying to get to know me is similar to my thinking that she is trying to mold my daughter into what she wants (and I see as prissy...onsies should NOT have collars). I don't know, but it does upset me. I know d-man thinks I am horrible since she IS trying in her own way to help or be nice. BUT, to someone as independent as me, and also wanting to share everything about parenting with my husband, it's frustrating to deal with the old-fashionedness of her thinking. She thinks some things the d-man says are "silly"...like the things we've read in the baby books (new research, etc). I mean, we agree on those things and we share everything.

Oh, anyway...this will be an ongoing frustration for me. I have to somehow try to feel comfortable around her and I'm sure things will change with the baby somewhat. (I did get the stare the other day, though...she stares at me and smiles at me at the same time. I think she's trying to exude an I care for you vibe, but it kind of freaks me out.) Now, if only this baby would actually come out...

Home....

2011-05-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

So, it's my first day as a housewife. I am not a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) yet, since even though this kid is right HERE, she's not here yet. I do not like this and I've already checked my work email twice. I've gone grocery shopping, cleaned out my car, picked up the dining room and now I am playing online. I'm glad I am home, though, because I'm not exactly comfortable and I am peeing constantly.

The plan for today is to vacuum a bit, clean downstairs what I can, pack the bag, and start the damn thank-you cards. No, this is not nesting, just what I do when I am not at work. Also, I am anal about planning and being prepared for anything, so that's what I am doing, for the most part. I want to get things done so I can read up on labor and babies and everything (there's that preparedness thing again). I wanted to do that on the patio but the on and off showers all week are literally putting a damper on that.

In addition, I have a lunch planned with my SIL, MIL, BIL and his fiance, and hopefully d-man will come. That's tomorrow and the doctor is on Wednesday. After that...I really need it to stop raining! OR, she can be born, that would be fine with me. I guess I just keep walking and doing yoga. Not sure what else to do and of course I am freaking out that she'll be late and therefore huge (and therefore extra painful especially in the recovery..or need a c-section). But, due date has not yet arrived, so I am just going to try to relax.

I did get yet another exciting end of pregnancy symptom...charlie horse. Now, I've had these before, lots of times. I've even pulled my calf running...twice and pretty badly. BUT, this was amazingly painful. F-bombs flowing at 3am. All I could think of was how labor will be worse and that scared me of course. Who knows, though? Anyway, it still hurts and I need to stretch before I walk everyday. This, and I haven't been to the gym in like two months.

So....perhaps I can keep up with the blog, but I can't imagine I'll have any exciting reports until she gets here. She wants to come out alien style, I think....since she pushes that way all the time and refuses to drop down.

Well, guess I'd better get to work....

pain in the ass

2011-05-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am icing my ass...and I have been fantasizing about doing it all day. The final days (God I hope) of pregnancy are initiating me, I think. I have a hemorrhoid, and I hope it stays one. Yes, I am sure that number will grow when I actually push this kid out, but I'll deal with that when I have to. Since I am sure there will be more than just a hemorrhoid to deal with (and I'll have drugs), it'll be a whole different experience. The thing is, though, this hurts like a mother. Yes, I realize labor will be worse, BUT I can yell and swear and well, I'll be in labor, so it's expected. Right now, at work, I have to act like all is well. People are constantly asking me how I am doing and of course I say "hanging in there" with a smile. Can't really say...."well, the hemorrhoid is kicking my ass and preparation H is a bullshit product." Nope, can't do that. I do have a reputation to uphold, here.

So, aside from right when I get up and actually go for a walk, I am walking like an old woman. I am to the point where I curse everything when I drop something (keys, phone, whatever). It's interesting.

So, anyway...went to the doc yesterday and I was told I had a stubborn cervix, meaning nothing is happening, well, except for all that swelling. There is no dropping going on and all those other signs are eluding me as well. So, as much as I want this to happen, I just have a feeling it will be later than sooner. Of course, I am hoping that isn't the case, but....man I HATE having no control. Kind of a theme with this blog.

commercial.......

2011-05-04T17:09:00.001-07:00

First of all, I gotta say that when I saw this commercial on tv, I cried. LOVED IT!!!!! I had the same reaction the first time I saw it on you tube, too. Take a look:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Pampers?blend=1&ob=5#p/u/6/OxbRdxbBROI

I mean, the references to howEVER the baby gets here and how it doesn't matter made me feel great. There is a huge company (who is yes, selling diapers, but appease me here) who sees so many other points of view that I felt legitimized, no matter what the church says.

Then I read the comments. It always brings me back to reality. Most seemed to be nice, but then there were the ones that pissed me off. First of all the abortion people---one said this was propaganda by the pro-lifers since there was a preggers woman in a wedding dress. Seriously? People are REACHING to get their OWN agenda out there. Of course there was the woman who commented on the opposite end, or had to agree with that. I just saw it as someone who probably didn't plan it but was having a baby anyway (her choice, just saying....). But then there was of course one that went into how wrong IVF was--unnatural! (though I was still so happy how prominent it was in the commercial) and how you should just adopt. People who are not in the situation are so friggin ignorant. I won't get into that but there is a lot that has to happen emotionally before you even get to the adoption thing, and THEN you need about 20k, so just adopting, is a big deal.

But anyway....I'm going to still love this ad, and the diapers we get will be the best bang for the buck, regardless of where they are made. So, it didn't do what it wanted necessarily for me, but I am a fan of pampers without giving them money...hahaha.

tired....

2011-04-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Really. It is directly related to being pregnant but not totally because I am pregnant. It's amazing how much stress this brings...or I am putting on myself, probably a bit of both. I thought about calling one of the 27 people that I told I would call, but I just don't have the energy. Typing isn't quite as strenuous. I guess I just feel like I have too much to do, and with so much going on around me, I CAN'T bitch about how I feel, because I just don't have time to do it.

First, work. I have a lot to do...and 2 weeks to do it. I can't complete some things until I get information from other people and sometimes that is the most frustrating thing. Plus, I feel like I have this deadline, but need to be prepared in case that deadline moves up. I have to teach my colleagues to do my job in the summer (thank GOD it's the summer...not as much going on in higher ed). It's becoming crunch time, so it's becoming stressful. I am doing something constantly! I did get a nice and unexpected shower at work. I was pretty surprised and it was great. Had to go back to doing more than I have time for afterwards but I guess I felt appreciated, so that was really good to see. I'm still overwhelmed, but I don't save lives.

Getting the house ready is the next thing. Thankfully this doesn't fall totally on me, though I feel like I am more nervous about getting everything ready than the d-man. I mean, we are putting the baby in our bedroom that is dusty and actually now has pollen on the dresser from blowing in the past few days. Plus the baby's room is now again full of unopened stuff. We got through most of the shower gifts but had to buy a lot of what we did not get and now THAT's sitting there...I got through the clothes, the gifts and the hand-me-downs. This is wear the frilly dresses come in. My SIL on d-man's side had nice stuff but also a ton of dresses. She said that I should remember that her mom gave her a lot of stuff (yes, my MIL) so be aware. It's a way to circumvent actually GIVING me the pink dresses, haha. I need to get this chick some jeans and sp0rty outfits. But anyway, most of the clothes are put away, washed first and filling up the dresser. It's the rest of the room that's the problem Plus, the house has an ant problem, I have to work ALL weekend and when I get home from work, I can't do anything comfortably. This includes sitting on the couch, but at least THAT doesn't really hurt. So I really need d-man to get at the dust bunnies under our bed and clean up....really. So, not sure if I can get it all done, especially since I have to be AT work so much. ugh.

Also as I said, so much going on around me that it's stressful. Other members of the fam are having marital issues, job issues, illness issues. I feel like we need to help everyone and I am jealous since I want people to just ask me how I feel and the both of us how ready we are. Also, one of my infertile friends is ignoring me. She lost her baby, and I understand...but it still hurts that I'm not getting a response from phone calls and emails, etc. I get it, but I am emotional about everything right now (everything...) so that doesn't help. I don't know what to do about it, either...

I'm hoping this isn't a rant, but really...tired, emotional. I mean, I could feel tears welling up in a meeting I ran this morning because someone challenged me. I am usually up for that! Well, as much as I want her to come out...it'll be nice to have at least a week to myself before she gets here. 2 more weeks of work!

less than a week....til the damn shower

2011-04-10T13:21:00.001-07:00

So, I CAN'T be alone in saying that I am not a fan of baby showers. I've always said that I don't like bridal showers and the only thing worse is a baby shower. Why? well....it could be the ooohing and ahhing over all of the little clothes and as the guest of honor, the pretending that I like everything. It's VERY much like the bridal shower. I feel that women over 55 LOVE these things and just have to see the plates you registered for, get all excited about sheets, etc. The same goes for the baby shower but even more so because they absolutely adore babies. They only remember the good things about their own babies...30 years ago. Here's the thing about the gifts: styles liked by those in their 20s and 30s vary greatly between those of women in their 50s and 60s. I expect a lot of clothing that I will not put on my daughter, and lots of blankets that I won't use. I've checked (they make it really easy now) my registries and there is a LOT of stuff left! I am visualizing pink frilly dresses and prissy little outfits that I wouldn't dare put on her. I mean, we bought a onzie today that had a darth vader head on it. (and another that says "my mommy doesn't want your advice" that will cause some angry stares by the very women who will BE at my shower). I am praying for receipts so we can actually go and get the stuff we want or need...

The other part of it is that it is hosted by my mother-in-law who is super excited about it. I mean, like I said, women over 55 LOVE it! She is also very much into etiquette and how things are supposed to be so this will be very much what I don't like about showers.....that's okay. I can pretend I like pink dresses (though I totally regret sharing that info with people now). I didn't get much say in the shower, but that would have caused problems anyway (I would have like to have been able to have my friends kids there...since a couple asked) But it is nice, not cheap I'm sure, and should get us some of the things we need, so....I can do it!

getting real....

2011-04-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we got the furniture in yesterday and it looks awesome! Okay, so I totally bawled my eyes out when I went in there and sat in the glider. Not sure why, exactly but I had to leave the room. I guess it's partly because I am so happy, partly because of everything it took to get here. It's just very overwhelming. It's not bad, it's just a lot. I do hope I don't cry every time I got in there because that will make decorating pretty hellish.

Well, anyway, I saw the furniture all in place since I have been away for a few days for work. I surprised many of my colleagues that I see only a few times a year with the pregnancy. I definitely got the "you look great" a few times. I mean, I feel absolutely huge, so when people say that, I find it odd. Everyone was very nice and made a point to say good luck and congrats...well, all the women did and a lot of the men. I didn't know if anyone would say anything, so it was nice. I also got to hear about how some of the women were able to handle (successfully) their kids and their careers. The baby was super active during the meetings. I guess she was as bored as I was....

small world...

2011-03-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, we went to a breastfeeding class this evening, which was significantly overwhelming to me, but that's not where I am going with this.... At the class was the Indian couple that was one of the other two that were there the day we did our retrieval and transfer. They are having twin boys! AND, they told us that the other couple got pregnant, too! I guess Dr. God was on his game that day. Also, if he put the wrong embryo in one of us, well, we can just trade.

Anyway, it was nice to see others who succeeded. They told us that they had tried with a different doctor prior to Dr. God and it was $20,000 for ONE try. Damn....see, I knew that Dr. God had some good qualities. hahaha.

So, the breastfeeding thing...well, the d-man is ALL into it. I am too, but seriously nervous about the whole thing, from latching on to storing it in the fridge. I'm pretty smart, or was before I hit the third trimester, so I'm sure with the d-man's help, we'll figure it out.

back to reality...

2011-03-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

So perhaps I’ve been getting off topic, lately. That’s a good thing because it means that everything is moving along how it is supposed to. Even the doctor continually says I am having a boring pregnancy. My girth was larger but my weight even stayed the same (which is good since it is not where I want it to be). Well, things have come crashing down for a friend of mine and it just brings home how fragile all of this actually is.

She is one of my best infertile friends. She goes, or went to Dr God, too and thought he was the same arrogant doc that I do. We still talk about it. Anyway, about 23 weeks ago, she got pregnant—the normal way. This, after 5 years of trying, miscarriages, doctors, etc. So, I did mention that at her 20 week ultrasound they found out that the baby had a cleft palate. She had an amnio and through that all of the other “bad” stuff was ruled out—the chromosomal stuff. Yesterday, they met with specialists and had more tests and more ultrasounds and found out it was a lot worse—hole in his heart, brain damage, etc. They are terminating the pregnancy at this point.

I know she is devastated and I found out through a facebook message to a select few what happened. I don’t know how to deal with this. I mean, is she going to not want to see me because I am 32 weeks and doing well? Should I stay away or should I try to get together? I can’t even imagine what she’s going through right now, and to be honest, I’m scared to think about it. I mean, I feel awful, but I don’t want to think about it, I want to focus on me, but that’s being an awful friend, I know. It really brings up what can happen and scares the hell out of me. Until I see my baby, I won’t be settled with this pregnancy, and then I am sure I’ll worry about SIDS or something constantly. I haven’t been able to relax this whole time, and now seeing how unfair it all can be…again…it’s pretty intense.

I will get over my issues for her sake and at least let her know that I am here if she needs me, but honestly, she may not want to see me for a while. I totally understand... but I really hope that in some way that isn't what I want.

apparently, I am a bitch, one who compromises, but a bitch

2011-03-23T04:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so I should explain since after reading all of my posts, I look like to most likable, sweet person ever, right? Well, I am learning that I must be harsh, because I feel like I am getting it from all sides right now.

I have to express myself over my husband's issue right now...he doesn't think I am a bitch I don't think, but he is pulling his every month or two irrational (to me) desire for me to be best buds with his ex-GF. I don't THINK it is a sexual fantasy thing but it IS odd to me. Long history but basically she hurt him significantly years ago (before me) and yet he feels like he needs to be friends with her now. I'm okay with that but he ALSO needs me to be friends with her. He says he just wants me to meet her, but I KNOW that his fantasy is to have us hit it off so she can come over and hang with the baby (not gonna happen). No I don't believe he'll leave me for her or anything, but I don't get the need. He used to have to save her all the time and I am sure there's a little bit of that there because this girl is one of those with multiple issues ALL THE TIME. I really have to desire for any stories about her but I am NOW going to waste my Tuesday and meet her and her boyfriend. Maybe it will be loud in the restaurant. One can hope.

The other revelation is how my sister in law, who is a bit odd and has trouble with socialization, thinks I don't like her and she has to walk on egg shells around me. I am not quite sure I get that one because the opposite is true. I tend to be sarcastic and she really doesn't ever get the joke and gets offended. All of her siblings do the exact same thing, but I am the one who doesn't like her....obviously it isn't true but d-man and I are going to try to be nicer. Part of it is she is much like her mom....which leads me to that...

I know I have complained about the MIL much on here, and I feel justified. I also know that I make things worse by taking them personally and may seem irrational at times. Well, d-man and I had a talk about how to have a good relationship with her. Part of it is letting comments slide...they aren't bad, but annoying as hell most of the time. I realize she is the exact (and I mean exact) opposite of who I am and she ain't changing. I am not changing, so I need to just let it go. I don't really want to but perhaps if I do, then she'll start to figure out or make an effort to get to know who I am....meaning a different perspective. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted on this....it shall be interesting.

So, on top of being pregnant, I have to be different....sweet....well, I'll put on a happy face Tuesday. ONCE shouldn't be the end of the world, as long as d-man knows it's once. Who know being independent was so hard?

good weekend!

2011-03-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

So, for a change, we actually did things pretty much all weekend and I was able to be fairly comfortable throughout. yeah! I've been feeling old and blah since I basically hit the couch by 7 or 8 every night do to the rib thing. I've neglected things I SHOULD be doing, like laundry and cleaning. Thankfully the d-man has been beginning to pick up the slack. THIS is what the third trimester beginning is like. awesome...BUT, like I said, I managed pretty well this weekend.

Okay, I AM on the couch, today was pretty active. We actually had sex this morning and I really can't tell you how long it's been. Thankfully, I have a sweet and awesome husband who has been able to deal with preggers me and all that comes with it, regarding that anyway. He is also been figuring out the rest of my uncomfortableness, etc. So, anyway, we also went for a long walk around town, to brunch, read the paper and watched a baseball game on TV (yeah!!), went to the irish pub to listen to live music and hung with the old manager (who bought d-man a pint and told us that in Ireland, pregnant women are instructed to drink a half pint everyday), went to Borders and bought a book on breast-feeding AND d-man bought two books on research studies on raising kids, and basically how most people are doing it wrong by constant praising. I agree due to my working with college kids....We also went grocery shopping. sweet.

Oh, yeah, Friday we saw Dick Vermiel speak about leadership, Saturday we went to the gym (I went to work--boo) and we went out to a good dinner. The best part? I was able to fend off rib pain. My lower back started to hurt on Saturday, but then I got a d-man massage...nice.

I've also noticed that she's been quite active this weekend. That was my worry, that she wasn't moving enough. Well, she is showing me up, that's for sure. I still think she stays in the same place, but she is more central in her moving now, so maybe she's dancing a bit.

Let's see if I can keep it up.

made it to the gym

2011-03-16T04:26:00.001-07:00

I just had to acknowledge that....it's been too long (well, for me). I feel so awkward there and none of my work out clothing fits, but I got my ass out of bed and feel pretty good about it. Now to find a sports bra that fits for the next time....

worry...but all good with me..

2011-03-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

constant worry. I am getting a little bit away from it, though I think. I keep worrying now about the kicking, though lately she's pretty friggin active. Now I am just trying to be comfortable enough to work out. But anyway, back to the worry...

why? because everything is so fragile. It totally blows my mind how so many kids are born everyday and thrive after all of this. One of my infertile friends was having a fairly normal pregnancy thus far. I mean, she had her issues but it had been going well for the most part. At her 20 week ultrasound, however, they found her baby had a cleft palate. There could have been other issues as well, but so far that's been the major issue. But it IS major. I mean, that's a lifetime of surgeries and other issues. She has to deal with the baby at birth. I couldn't do it, I mean, I would, but how do you prepare for that?

I guess I don't know what to think about it all. I feel bad because I feel so horrible for her but so glad that's not my baby. I do worry about how we will raise her, god I worry about how to wash her. I am preparing as much as I can, but it's still pretty scary. I feel pretty excited for her to get here, though. We'll figure it out together..with daddy.

religion decison

2011-03-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, since this whole thing started, I have known about the church's stance on IVF. By church, I mean the Catholics, of which I have been brought up to be. Personally, I've thought of leaving the church since before we got married. I disagree with what I believe are the small things, like sex before marriage, living together, masturbation, contraception and the big things, like homosexuality, abortion, and I think covering up molesting little boys is wrong. But now it's more of a big deal since the church believes our child is a product of evil, that IVF doesn't assist those who are infertile, but rather goes against god. Obviously, I don't agree.

Our decision has been ongoing. We've gone to an Episcopal church to check it out and found that there is way more pomp and circumstance than we are used to or feel comfortable with. The other Christian denominations seem too far off of what we actually believe. The thing is that I (not as much d-man) want to baptize our daughter. I mean, I do believe in my religion, just not what the pope says is right or wrong.

The hypocrisy is overwhelming. The church believes in all life, at conception, but has killed millions over the years. It believes in treating others in the name of Jesus, but seems to tolerate its priests' abhorrent behavior. That, in and of itself, almost had me out a few weeks ago. But, I digress...this is about the stance on IVF. I've mentioned the gist and tonight went online to read more. As usual, I just got angry. I don't get upset, I just get blown away by the ignorance and lack of understanding of how things actually work. People hold beliefs based on what they know...not new, that's everything, but with this issue, they get so holier than thou and it's annoying.

So, what are we going to do? Well, we will probably baptize her. We have to officially join the church together, so we'll see how that goes. I mean, we can always leave at a later date, and I don't want to make a mistake. Besides, I am a godmother three times over, and I don't want to disappoint. At least, not yet.

workouts

2011-03-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

So, I have been expressing how much I love the yoga, and I do, but I skipped today. My reasoning? I was TIRED. I walked (walked!) with a friend for about a half hour this morning. It was hilly, and I was winded! I've run three marathons...did four spinning classes a week until I started stimming and I was tired walking?? Ugh, that totally frustrates me. But even so...I skipped yoga tonight. I had to bake something and I figured I wanted to get that done earlier than later. (raw eggs are bad, I know, but in chocolate, so GOOD...I'll be okay..I didn't lick off too much...)

Now I am in my rib pain position. It's rough tonight, man. Feels better at the moment, though. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to yoga!

never ceases to amaze me

2011-02-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, so first of all, I was pretty pissed off this past weekend because the d-man went to visit friends. I had to work on Saturday, so I couldn't go. I did spend much time cleaning and was realizing that I do much of that around here. This of course, made me angry...then I started thinking about how d-man was seemingly, at least to me, going away on weekends (well, 2) and having fun while I had to stay here and work or do baby things. So, yes, I was seriously jealous, but also had to have a talk about the cleaning thing. I really do like my job, so I understand the issues, it just sucks if he wants to go away, especially if he wants to go with his friends...out. Now, I don't need to drink to have fun, but I can't hang lately, unless I can lean back. ugh. So, we had a discussion....I think that things will be good, unless d-man wants to go away again...not sure how I will react to that one.

Anyway, on his trip, he saw some friends, mainly friends of his best friend, but close enough where they came to our wedding. He was able to see two new-ish babies, too! One of the babies' parents, he found out did IVF. It is now getting seriously common, or I am now noticing, I guess. I mean, this is a couple our age, not in their 40s or whatever....their issues had nothing to do with waiting too long. I mean, have people had these issues forever? Are we now more infertile as a whole because of hormones in milk or something else? Well, whatever the reason, I feel almost comforted to know it's not just us. It was siblings of friends, and neighbors of relatives, and now it's people I work with, friends, people I went to school with. I am not saying I am happy that so many people struggle with this, in fact, it's not a good thing, but I don't feel as alone about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but it is NOT abnormal.

Update on the actual pregnancy...well, not much to report. I think I am supposed to be counting movements now, which of course makes me nervous that she's not moving enough. I think she is but I always worry. Shouldn't she be moving more? OH, I don't know...doc next week. I'll see what he says.

still hanging in there...

2011-02-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

If it's possible to grow exponentially overnight in the belly area, I think I did it. Plus, I seemed to have put on 3 pounds since yesterday. Of course, that happened last week and went away. I think I obsess about the weight thing, because I'll bet I go down again tomorrow.

So, things are progressing...obviously getting bigger but thankfully my issues have stayed the same...the rib thing, which I will bring up every time I write, and damn I pee all the time. But that's been my life for 34 years, so I guess I'm used to it. The big issue now is all of the research that me and d-man have been reading about the vitamins I am or was taking. So vitamin D is good, or bad, but now good. Folic acid is apparently in everything we eat, plus all vitamins and guess what...causes cancer. Awesome. So, hopefully I have not screwed myself or my daughter.

There is so much crap to worry about. I feel like it's much worse now... I mean plastics are now horrible to heat up and cause cancer. The coloring in soda now causes cancer. Cell phones F up our brains. I'm not even gonna mention the texting. I suppose I can let the d-man continue to worry about it for now.

So, we got a tour of the maternity unit at our latest class. I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised at it. I don't know, I figured that since much of the hospital is old and on the crappy side, it would be too. Not so. There was even a room for staff that was a suite. IF no other staff or family of staff have a baby when I do, we score. Of course if my FIL is the only anesthesiologist on when I have the baby, the epidural should be interesting. Lots of surprises...along with the whole labor and pain and blood and all that shit. Well, I've always thought of myself as tough. Guess we'll see....

Third trimester, holy shit!

2011-02-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

So, it's official. According to my doctor, I am at 27 weeks as of yesterday, which by most of what I have been reading is the beginning of the third trimester. I feel like this has been the longest six months of my life...or almost 12 months, whatever. I mean I feel like we have so much to do since we have been putting things off....like getting a pediatrician, and figuring out how to friggin breast feed. But, that's okay. Three months is enough time. I hope.

Okay, the excitement this week, other than the pain and the visit to the doctor, which has gone away, was our first labor and delivery class. We are enrolled for three Thursdays. AND, we are the only couple in the class. There were two nursing students there, too, but other than that, just us. It was good. I was surprised at how, um, natural, or non-medical, it was. She was explaining (or pushing, I couldn't tell) natural labor without drugs. It was basic what happens when you go into labor stuff, but very down to earth. Next week we get a tour of the maternity ward...and we talk drugs. Should be fun!

So, the physical update is that although I wanted to gain three lbs in four weeks, it's looking like four. ugh....I suck, but it's okay. I was off the gym with the abdominal pain. Next week will be good, I swear. I feel huge, and I'm not hiding anything anymore, that's for sure. I'm still kind of pissed off that the ribs get smushed since I could totally hang if THAT felt okay. Ah, well, I'll get it back in three months.

Happy Valentine's Day, doc!

2011-02-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today is v-day, which isn't that exciting, but today has been! I had a visit to the doctor that was unexpected. This wasn't because I wanted to say hi to him, but rather because somethings up, maybe, possibly...

We spent Saturday afternoon and night with some friends and we stayed overnight in Philly. I slept horribly on a double bed with the d-man and small pillows (not the crazy preggers pillow that I have graduated to). We went to breakfast and on the walk home I started getting achy pains on my abdomen but didn't think much of it. We ran some errands, finally ordered our expensive glider, and then went home to chill out. My achy pains started to get pretty bad.

I assumed it was what I have researched as round ligament pain. It was in that location, but it was pretty constant as opposed to the sudden shooting pain that seemed to be more common with that. Well, I decided that a yoga dvd would help...nope. Then the d-man actually drew a bath for me. That was awesome, even though I made him clean the tub first and it isn't exactly a soaking tub...probably way too hot for the baby, but I felt good while I was in there. Of course, the minute I got out it came back....was pretty bad when I went to bed, but the 4 times I went to the bathroom, I was okay, just moving gingerly...on purpose.

It was better but still there so I called the doctor this morning. He said to come in this afternoon, though he doesn't think it's anything. So, I did. He said that obstetrically, all is well (which is what I was afraid of..pre term labor or something). He said that if I feel worse to call him and he could send me for an ultrasound to see if something was wrong with my right ovary (it's on the right side), or if he'll check if it's something else, like appendicitis or something. SO, I am to call if it gets worse or I get scared that it isn't getting better. I like the doc...so I have no problem doing that.

The good thing is, d-man and I get to go to the peanut butter restaurant (yes, really) that we wanted to go to tonight. Funky peanut butter sandwiches..affordable. We are so romantic. Well, d-man gave me an awesome bath WITH candles, so I guess he is ;)

SO....hopefully, the pain will subside. I'll keep you posted.

Pain and ohm.....

2011-02-10T15:23:00.001-08:00

So, first of all, I am reclining right now, not looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws, not because I don't wan t to have dinner with them, exactly, but because I'll have to sit in a chair. I went out with a friend on Tuesday and it was good up until the check came. Oh my god, my back ribs were on fire and they are getting there now. I REALIZE there isn't much room in there, and I don't have a looooong torso, but this sucks. I always thought I'd be able to go out and hang when I was preggers, as long as I didn't have high BP or something crazy. I figured later on, the back would hurt and I'd get tired, but this I hadn't heard of. So, my intestines are getting shoved up there and that only works for so long until the pain hits.

At work, I can sort of lean back in my chair and it actually feels okay...I've figured that out, but the books all say to stand up straight or sit up straight. That totally doesn't work for me. Only in a reclining position can I stretch my torso out. I'm not going to show weakness!!!! not yet.

I went to yoga last night and I thought it would alleviate some of this. Well, no, but it rocked. I haven't been to an actual class in years so it was great. It was actually difficult. I figured prenatal yoga would be easy stretches and almost a waste, but this was pretty hard core. I'm going back! I was greeted by a guy in some kind of samurai outfit when I got there...if that's not a reason to go back, I don't know what is!

I decided to post on facebook about my experience at yoga, and it totally outed me. I hadn't really done that, and I have a friend who puts on every time the baby kicks, which is annoying as hell, so I have been the opposite. That won't change, but the response was really cool. People are happy for me and I got a lot of congrats. If they only knew....

glucose, ice cream, and low gas

2011-02-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

Sooooo, yesterday was eventful. I mean I started out with my glucose tolerance test. I fear that the eating of crap the week before wasn't good, but I can't give myself diabetes in a week, can I? I've had this before, when I had all the tests for PCOS. I wasn't diabetic or even pre-diabetic then. I didn't have insulin resistance, either. My glucose DID spike, however. That was a two-hour test, I believe. This one was the amateur one hour test. If I fail, though, it's a three-hour test. I don't want to fail. I need to eat better anyway, so maybe I can do so without the threat of gestational diabetes?

I guess I need to start today, however, because for some reason I thought it a good idea to buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's last night. I figured I'd have some while watching Up.....okay side note on Up. I knew it was about a man whose wife and he couldn't have kids and so they have a good life anyway, blah blah blah, but let me tell you, I lost it. I mean, it IS Disney and therefore, you are supposed to cry at some point, but I was really upset. I'm glad I waited until I got pregnant to see it though....anyway, the ice cream. It turned out to be the whole pint consumed. I'm not so worried about the calories, which in my old life would be four good beers (and a hangover, presumably) but was it the sugar? Was it me needing something to soothe me? I don't know. I wish it had been a pint of broccoli.

So the gas...this is where I lost it again, but after some Googling, have regained my composure. I came home from work today around five. I went to the kitchen to make some bran muffins while I cleaned the kitchen. As I went to pre-heat the oven, I noticed that the burner was on--very low. I don't know if I hit it..but then I remembered that I had it on high for the soup I had (prior to ice cream) last night and I believe that I turned it low but apparently not all the way off. I rightfully freaked out. I didn't smell gas, the carbon monoxide detectors didn't go off, I didn't feel sick, headache, nothing. I even actually turned on the oven for the muffins while opening the windows and turning on the fan.
I did what I always do in times of fear, I Googled. I found several articles about people who left gas on and woke up to a smell and headache, and called the gas company..but that's not what happened. I feel okay now because I read about people making broth and how it has to simmer for 24-72 hours! The people on the boards (and it was a mothering board) had no problem with this. I'm thinking there is something to the fact that the stove was not LEAKING gas but was on as if I were cooking something. I guess I am glad I don't have a cat that could have caught on fire. Because it would have a really stupid owner.

I'll be asking the doctor about this, but if I feel okay....I aired it out, still have the fan on...feel fine...and made the muffins with no incident.

YES, I'm worried about her...and also about my parenting skills.

less than four months to go....seems long...

2011-01-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

So...I am still supposed to feel good, but I've accepted the fact that it ain't happening. So now I am counting down and trying to figure out ways to make myself feel better. The other side of this..baby prep on the consumer side is coming along fine, with the MIL being a constant struggle, but I'm up for the challenge.

My biggest problem is my rib pain. I've read online that it's common, my doctor said my intestines are getting shoved up there and that can cause pain. Well, at some point everyday, usually around lunch, or after I eat, I get the pain in my back. I feel it in the front, under my left boob, but it actually hurts in the back. All the websites say to sit up straight, do yoga, but there isn't too much you can do...sitting up straight, doesn't work. BUT, if I lean back, I'm okay. Work is a challenge, but I just look like I'm relaxing at my desk. Yoga I plan to get to, but the only prenatal class around here is on Wednesdays, which have been snow and ice covered for the past few weeks...
As for the commonality of this...I know no one who even knows what I am talking about. One person I work with said she felt it with one of her kids one time. great. My mom said she blessed me with a short torso and that may be part of the problem. My MIL didn't really understand, which is kind of normal for her (if she didn't or doesn't experience it, she has a hard time accepting it). I have no one to bitch to about it! I do have one friend who went to a chiropractor because of back pain in her pregnancy, but I don't think that will help me. I'll ask the doc next time what else I can do.

The other stuff...registry, baby's room...it's getting done. I'm happy with it. My MIL is constantly emailing and "helping." We were over there yesterday and before I could say hi she had a magazine in my face of the rug that we "should" buy. The thing is, aside from the fact that all the stuff she shows us is way out of our price range, the more she pushes the less likely I am to even want to get it, just because she wants us to. ugh, I don't know....we did buy a rug, bigger and $400 cheaper. We are NOT made of money and our savings made this kid so...we are kinda trying to conserve. I AM grateful that my in-laws and my parents are going to help out with the stuff. The shower will help (if I can make it to that without going off). Basically, she's overwhelming. I usually just at some point get to the ignoring stage. I don't want to have the d-man say anything so I think that works out better. She backs off, for a while.

I am SURE this will carry on to the parenting advice, and I'm sure that will come at us from ALL angles and lots of different people. So, I see this as a warm-up. And a learning experience....

Dr. visit number 2....

2011-01-26T08:02:00.001-08:00

I went to the doc on Monday. I didn't really know what to expect and thought it would be short but it was record timing.

I see the doctor (well, eventually three different ones) at the hospital with Dr. God, my GP, and where my FIL works. Also, it's pretty close....BUT in not so nice an area. Scary, actually.

I went to the waiting room and it is pretty shabby looking (this doesn't make me happy, but I DO like the doctor) There are people in there who are local. This ain't no suburban hospital. Oddly, Dr. God's office upstairs is super nice....I think I had mentioned before that when you don't take insurance, you tend to make more money??? yep. Anyway, I got right in and got the BP taken, which was perfect, according the nurse, peed in a cup (and I really don't know what for, but that seemed to work out alright, too), and got weighed.....

Okay, up four pounds in four weeks. They say that's "normal" BUT I started out in the overweight range, according to my BMI. I am trying/hoping to not gain more than 25 pounds. um...may push that a little since I have 17 weeks and only 11 pounds to play with. I'll try to keep it under 30. I really don't want a fat kid with weight problems. She already has our genes to deal with...

When the doc came in, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if he was going to check me out or what? He just measured my uterus, which he said was perfect. Of course my latest worry is that my cervix will weaken and I'll lose the baby. That's the last line of defense right now, so I have to be crazy about something. He didn't check it, I guess he won't. So, I'll just keep on worrying.

He also said to notice the movements (uh, I do) and see how I want to start counting them. After 28 weeks I have to either compare them to the previous day to make sure she's moving consistently, or actually chart them. Of course now that I have to pay attention I feel like she's moving less. I'm a bit paranoid. Wonder where that comes from???

So, overall good appointment. I have the glucose test soon and I hope the BP stays where it is and I don't swell up (I'm also terrified of pre-eclampsia).

Now, if I could just stop the ribs from feeling like they are on fire for most of the day.....

big shopping weekend...with MIL

2011-01-26T07:41:00.001-08:00

So.....in the great tradition of this blog, I must talk about the overwhelming mother-in-law. Let me back up, though.

This past weekend, I had planned to go to Babies R Us to register with my sister in law. We've had our differences in the past but I think we get along fine, and I've always had a good relationship with my brother. My niece, her youngest, is four, so she hasn't been out of the game too long and I figured it would be good to go with someone not too far removed from all of the gadgets of motherhood.

It was great. She showed me to the big stuff, what I would really need, took things out and checked on ease of use, use of space, all of that. She shared advice that she got and showed me what I should get that she ended up buying herself. We were there for like two and a half hours and my poor niece was stuck in the shopping cart making drawings of her family.

I specifically didn't share with my MIL when we were going to do this. Going with her would not be the best day for me. Her baby advice is 25 years old (d-man's brother is 25). Plus, she already has this push of everything that her daughter does, uses, thinks is great...on me. It's annoying but I have to suck it up, and here's why....

We went shopping for a crib and dresser on Sunday. MIL had said that she wanted to buy us a crib (well, my in-laws, but FIL didn't come), which is awesome. We went to a store with really nice furniture. I made sure d-man was coming along. I liked the store a lot. She ended up buying both the crib and the dresser, and now I feel like we are in her debt a bit, which frustrates me. At least she didn't push the white crib she sent me in an email. (I HATE white bedroom furniture....her daughter of course has that). I made the mistake of saying we should stop by Babies R Us to look at bedding...since d-man was with us, we were in that mode. Well, not the best idea by me.

I looked with d-man and we didn't get anywhere with the bedding, but I figured I'd show them what we had registered for since we were there. That was fine, but then she wanted to look at other things....and started telling me that I needed this and that, and I had to register for what she thought was right. One thing that stuck out was the swaddling blankets that she said I should get since her daughter had them. I registered for the basically ready to go, just stick the baby in it swaddler thing and her comment was, "well, d-man can use that but you can use this..it's better." First of all, why is it better, and second of all, what makes her think d-man won't be able to do it and more importantly that I will be?? I've never done it! I think the last time I changed a diaper I put it on the wrong way (my poor nephew...who is now 8).

The other part of the day that was annoying was as we were leaving when she started saying how I'll be calling her asking her to come over ALL THE TIME, that I will need help and she'll be right there with all the answers. Um, no, maybe on occasion, but I am NOT MY SISTER IN LAW! (who totally does that, d-man's sisters both do, and one doesn't have any kids). AND, I have a mom. I actually may call her, go figure.

to be continued with this one....

Honeymoon trimester? Seems like BS to me...

2011-01-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

I've read that I am supposed to feel much of the following in the 2nd trimester:

-good
-not tired
-horny (for lack of a better word)
-not having to pee every 20 minutes
-not that big
-not nauseous
-more flexible
-able to feel kicking

Of those....well, I don't feel sick. I feel her moving around at times, but only from the inside so that's not really as reassuring as it could be (could be something I ate everyday).

What I REALLY feel:

-fat
-tired
-huge
-not horny
-frustrated with my clothing options (whoever thinks that whole panel thing was a good idea is a moron)
-the need to pee ALL THE TIME (which, in reality, is not THAT different from my non-pregnant life, though I haven't slept through the night since August)
-emotional
-heartburn
-rib pain

This seems like more negative than positive, and I don't think I am, necessarily.

Now, the sex thing has me pissed off, and I am sure the d-man as well. I know that will be off the table for a while after the baby but I'm not that into it. I know the uncomfortableness of my body has a lot to do with it, so maybe I need to work on that, but I keep getting the shaft in the hormone department! Or not getting it...(sorry it just came to me....and I could comment on the comment but I won't)

Perhaps this "honeymoon trimester" is based on the whole picture. I'm sure it is, which makes me so not excited about the third trimester. Of course, I am constantly worried about what can go wrong, what IS wrong, that I will fall on my face and therefore my stomach, that someone will punch me in the stomach (not sure where that fear comes from), that I ate something wrong and Listeria is just around the corner....

Well, someone I know was talking about someone who got pregnant after years of infertility and she was saying how this particular woman was complaining about pregnancy. Her statement was she should just be happy she got there since she complained so much about NOT being pregnant. SO....I should let her know that it isn't fun regardless of how you get there, and everyone has the right to complain. Actually, it feels like I am normal for a change....uncomfortable, but normal.

Anatomically Correct

2011-01-05T18:16:00.000-08:00

This morning was the 20 week scan. So, hopefully due to the clever title, you have figured out that it went well. The scan itself was I guess pretty normal. Everything measured about 20 weeks and like five days, and we have a new due date of May 20th (which makes sense since that is a Friday and retrieval day was a Friday). The coolest thing was seeing the spine. It was almost the only thing that I could actually make out well. I was totally spoiled by the 90 thousand dollar ultrasound in Dr. God's office.

Of course it can't be without drama, though....we left a little later than I wanted. Not too much, but I tend to freak out when I am late and traffic sucked and was upset. The d-man was in one of his famous funks, so therefore not talkative. We got up there and the receptionist asked if we had our AFT (I think?) bloodwork taken. Never heard of it....our doctor is supposed to have us do that around 15-16 weeks. Well, due to our f'd up situation, I didn't get to my doctor until 19 weeks. I honestly think, though, that my OB thought we'd be getting bloodwork this morning. In the end, we got a script for the bloodwork and I am going tomorrow morning. The funny thing is that my OB called me to apologize this morning. I mean, he did kinda screw it up, but I did looked pissed this morning. We both did.

Anyway, we sent the pics of our little baby girl (or half-way to her) to the families and the d-man's mom called him almost crying. I got a voicemail too. Everyone was happy and I couldn't understand why. The d-man seems to think it's because it's the first time we really shared any of this with them. That's kinda true. Maybe this is the beginning of a new era.

you got me feeling emotion...

2011-01-02T17:18:00.000-08:00

Okay so I never had any side effects from all the hormones I injected into my stomach and ass. I laughed at those weak women who couldn't handle their clomid, with their stories of crying and yelling at their husbands. Mere child's play. I therefore, assumed that my own hormones would not cause me any issues. I now think I may have been wrong with that.

Of course, I will need support from the d-man with this, even though I do know that lately I have been both a bit overly dramatic and maybe well, sad. The odd thing is that I've been getting upset about going through the whole IVF thing. I am going back to pity and it probably mixes with fear a little bit, but first I was crying because I couldn't get pregnant and now I am crying because I could? What the hell?

The other thing is my reaction to things. Normally I'd be pissed off or upset and now it's just enhanced. I don't think d-man really gets it, but he's beginning to. Well, crying in front of him helps. NOT doing it to be manipulative, I swear. I couldn't not do it and it felt like it was justified. That's kinda what bothers me a bit.

SO, this gets worse, right? sweet.

shopping, part III

2010-12-29T17:33:00.000-08:00

So, I've read in many places that maternity clothing pretty much sucks. However, I have also seen and read that that's all in the past, that no longer do women need to wear their husbands large dress shirts to work. Well, that's true, BUT finding not just flattering but nice things, is really hard.

First of all, paying $75 for a pair of regular pants I can do, especially if I wear them to work, etc. Doing that for pants I'll wear for four months is insane. The pants that cost $30...look like shit on me.

Also, this small, medium, large sizing thing just doesn't work. I need to find my SIZE.

Lastly, wearing that friggin panel thing is really uncomfortable. I'm sure that will change when I can fill it out but it sucks for now.

Jeans, on the other hand, seem easy to find....funny, I can't wear THEM to work!

So, I went to the only GAP that has a maternity section today--in Philly. I found great black pants---looked real, were in my normal size, had a half panel thing, and ONLY came in black. So, I went online when I got home and realized most pants ONLY come in black. I can't wear black everyday. So there's another problem. ugh.

I can't wear my normal pants....I can sort of get into my favorite suit, but that won't last much longer. I have a conference in two weeks so I really need something to wear.

Well, I'd rather be bitching about this than something else, I guess. At the same time, can't anything be easy?

christmas and the doctor, and a bit of snow...

2010-12-27T07:56:00.001-08:00

Ah, the first overwhelming snow of the season. We got like a foot last night. Now, that in and of itself wouldn't have been that bad, but we had to visit my brother for Christmas number 3 but had to be back home because we had our first appointment with our real OB the next morning. State of Emergency in Philly...thankfully we are in the burbs. Still a hell of a ride home last night.

Anyway, the doctor was fine. I sound really healthy-minus the whole infertility thing. I did have to get weighed, after three Christmas celebrations. I figure that at least 3 of those pounds are holiday weight gain and bloating from too much sodium. SO, the 10 total pounds is really 7. I was so nervous about my blood pressure but it was actually really good. I guess I am looking for things that could go wrong. We heard the heartbeat but weren't surprised or overly excited which was probably odd to the doctor or nurse. I mean, we hear that on our own! The most dramatic part of the visit was getting there. We borrowed my in-laws four wheel drive car, which got us there in plenty of time. We got there before the doctor did, that's for sure. I like him. He's not arrogant like Dr. God, but he talks pretty fast and asked if we had any questions. My only question was are we behind the 8 ball since this is our first visit and we are 19 weeks. He said no, especially since Dr. God had such a hold on us for so long. AND I was doing fine, nothing to worry about. He did talk to us a bit about the other twin, but said it wasn't something to worry about. Little does he know of my google habit. I know all about vanishing twins.

Next hurdle is the 20 week ultrasound and blood tests and the second half of whatever genetic testing we need to do. I do hope we can see the sex, and I feel like people usually can. We don't see the OB again until the 24th. I'm cool with that. I have a lot of researching to do between now and then.

Surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of baby type stuff for Christmas. Actually the d-man and I exchanged little outfits. D-man bought Eagles onezies and I bought Phillies (mine were newborn, his were six months--that actually works with the seasons, not that d-man knew that). That's a big reason to have a baby--you get to dress it up! haha.

Okay, now to read the stuff we got at the doc's!

Reality Check

2010-12-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

Scary things never stop happening. No, this isn’t with me, or in my head or whatever, but there are things happening around me that are a constant reminder of the fragility of this whole pregnancy.

An infertile friend of mine actually found out she was pregnant about six weeks ago. She had just put in her adoption paperwork so it was a bit odd. Her history is miscarriage so I’m sure she wasn’t totally confident. I hadn’t heard from her in almost two weeks so I feared the worst. She finally called and explained that she had been bleeding a lot and the heartbeat was kind of low. This doesn’t mean anything necessarily, but she was lying low and is pretty nervous. She’s now at eight weeks, which may be as long as she’s ever been. I can’t imagine continually getting to this point only to have it end in such a dramatic way. I’m praying for her.

A friend of the D-man’s wife was recently told to stay home from work—bed rest essentially because her blood pressure was high, too high. She is also an infertile and this was an IUI pregnancy. My first reaction was, okay, that sucks, but do what you gotta do. Then we found out that she was admitted to the hospital so they could monitor her. She was there maybe two days when the D-man got a text saying that she was having an emergency C-section. The baby was born yesterday at 25-26 weeks and one pound, nine ounces. I don’t know what will happen but we are praying for them, too.

This scares me, of course. Confident, I am anything but, which isn’t a surprise statement. However, these things are real, they are close. I don’t know what my blood pressure is to be honest. I still have two weeks until I actually see my OB for the first time. Aside from fearing everything that could possibly happen, I find these situations remarkably unfair. These are people who have struggled over and over and they do not deserve to have to go through anything like this. It makes me question a lot of things. It tests faith and hits on many emotions. I just have to think that these are people who are stronger because of their struggle and that will pull them through these temporary situations.

Shopping? Done.

2010-12-15T18:46:00.001-08:00

So, I know you are all dying to know about the shopping excursion. I’ll leave out the details, but it was a success! I now have a good start to another wardrobe. “They” say that the best thing to do when you need maternity clothes is to borrow them. Well, a friend of mine jumped the gun on that and sent me a bunch of her stuff, size small. She’s about 130 pounds normally and I started at 164. You do the math on that one. Shopping and having family purchase the clothes because you used up all of your money on the fetus is the second best thing. I’m actually wearing a sweater from the trip today—it can go either way. I also let the office know, which was okay. I got bombarded by a couple of the older women but nothing too crazy. So, feeling pretty okay. I just have to figure out when to actually wear these new purchases. Maybe I’ll test a pair of pants out on Christmas. I’ll need the room anyway…..

shopping....

2010-12-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

So, a couple of things....First of all, I definitely am getting fatter. I don't know if I look pregnant, though I would say no, but my pants are seriously uncomfortable if I can get them to actually button. It makes work rather interesting--especially since only three people that I work with even know. I really don't want everyone to think I am getting super fat, and well, lazy. I mean, shit I am even back going to the gym. So, this leaves me with two things to do: #1 tell my co-workers, and #2 shop.

My boss offered (jokingly...I think) to email everyone. Um, no...I'll just have to deal with the 50 year old secretaries on my own. Or, I wait until the department christmas party on Friday and maybe they'll notice I'm not drinking. I'll keep you posted.

Now, shopping. I got a text and several emails from my mother in law who, if you have been paying attention, has been overwhelming and annoying throughout this process. The reason is her excitement is not coinciding with my fear. I get that her daughter lives 3000 miles away so she missed all the pregnancy stuff, but I am very self-sufficient and I share the pregnancy stuff, along with everything else, with certain friends. I don't share with my own mom, so she can't expect me to offer up all details and want to shop with her for baby crap constantly, but she does.

Well, I did buy a bigger bra and two be-bands (target version of bella band) so that was really it. I am literally scared shitless to go to a maternity store...or well, I was. I felt that I still don't belong, that I'm not worthy of it. I asked the resolve message board for advice and they were all very responsive and helpful. I was told that it's just shopping, that I should try to bring a supportive friend first (can't really do that...) and that I shouldn't let infertility rob me of what should be fun. That kinda got to me, because that's exactly what's happening. They also said that I would be much more comfortable. Since I can't wear sweats to work, I'd agree with that one.

So, I am going with the MIL on Monday. She said her daughter really liked the maternity section at the GAP and somewhere else. I think I want to go to an actual maternity store, though. I am up to it. Especially if the MIL is going to buy some clothes for me. Wish me luck!

"But That's Harvesting Babies!!!"

2010-12-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

That is exactly what a friend said to me at brunch over Thanksgiving. Now she is very supportive (I think) of what I have done and the conversation began with her asking me how many embryos we got, the process, etc. Another friend at brunch asked me what happens to those embryos that we don’t use. I said well, they are siblings, or can be, but we didn’t have any to freeze so we’ll have to go through this whole process again. I then talked about the paperwork that had to be filled out before we did the cycles, specifically about what happens to extra embryos. I mean, we had to answer questions of what happened if one of us died, if we both died, if we got divorced, etc. I said we put that we would donate everything to research (as was an option), that since they are now doing stem cell research anyway, it was perfect. Then the comment came.

I bring this up, not because I was angry that she said it, though I was ready to throw down if the fourth member of our group didn’t change the subject faster than you can say Christian Fundamentalist. I think for this friend, specifically, she is super conservative and religious. I mean, we definitely bashed Sarah Palin at that brunch (I mean, why not?) and this person was very quiet. She is also a scientist by profession so it’s all very odd to me. The thing is, there ARE people out there who think things completely in a way that I think is not only wrong but backwards. I’ve said this before, that the ignorance and beliefs of others may make me not want to share the conception process of my child with anyone.

My thoughts are these: there is no way to harvest a baby; that seems a propaganda line. You can harvest eggs and fertilize them with sperm, and I CANNOT imagine why anyone would want to do that (unless they were paid) for blatant research purposes. Also, most of these embryos will not become babies even if they are transferred. Our “extras” didn’t make it past four days and of the three we transferred, ONE made it. I’m not saying the science won’t get better, and I hope to God it does, but saying that you are creating a baby to test is not really the case. These are embryos that exist, and can be researched to help countless others to live, live longer and live a better life.

So I don't know exactly where I am going with this, whether it is a political piece on why I think we should continue stem cell research, or whether I don't feel comfortable around people who don't fully support my choices, or another reason to not tell people about the whole IVF thing. Ah, I was just pissed.

interesting day at the office

2010-11-30T17:27:00.000-08:00

So, I went in this morning feeling pretty fat. Oh, and looking pretty fat. Again, do I look pregnant? I don't know, but I am beginning to feel like I ate too much (oh yeah, Thanksgiving and 8 pieces of pie...). I am officially up 4 pounds since this all started, and 2 of those are from this past week I think!

Anyway, things were moving along quite well. I had lunch with my best work friend and told him I was pregnant. He was happy for me, so I felt better telling at least someone. Then I went to get something signed in the office of someone I see about once every three weeks or so. He's a talker and I tend to get stuck there for about 45 minutes or so. This time, as I was listening to another story about Miami's football team, I started to feel odd, like kind of sick and all I could think was that I needed to get out of there. Then I got super dizzy and told the talker I needed to sit. My hearing got odd, like the volume was turned down or something. Eventually, I felt better but for a few minutes I thought I was going to pass out. ugh....so I have read that dizziness is somewhat common right now, but I am not a fan.

I also told my boss. He was happy for me. I knew he wouldn't be the issue, it's more the secretaries that I am dreading finding out. They constantly barrage pregnant women and I literally share the suite with them so it should be interesting....

Tis the season for germs and looking fat

2010-11-23T12:05:00.000-08:00

So, first of all let me just say that I have gained one or two pounds depending on when I weigh myself. I'm not happy about that and I attribute that to birthdays at the office and not going to the gym for three months. I was bloated with hormones, then when I got to stop injecting them, I was good for a week, and now I am friggin bloated again! I don't look pregnant, I look fat. No question about it. And let me tell you, I wasn't thin to begin with. I'd be fine except I have to accept that people at work think I have let myself go, or that's how I see it. I am wondering when this whole belly thing happens, and I PRAY that I can stay sort of fit otherwise...of course I have heard horror stories of other swollen body parts.

Now, just as I got the go ahead to work out, I also got an annoying cough, post-nasal drip, and lots of mucus. I was waiting for it to clear up while I was unable to fall asleep or feel good enough to go anywhere in the morning, and well, it didn't. I called Dr. God's office and the nurse said I could take cold meds and cough drops. I guess that's good, but it didn't do much so I called my GP. I am on Amoxicillin now but who knows how long this will last. Last night I was hacking so hard I made myself throw up. That may be TMI, worse that you all knowing how many times I've had an ultrasound wand up my vagina. Even worse than that, though, is that the d-man got seriously ill last night. Came out of nowhere! Diarrhea, vomiting, now a fever. It's like someone up there really wants us to practice abstinence. His comment this morning was "how can I be a father if I am always sick?" Um, I think everyone is sick once in a while, dude.

Of course we are headed three hours away to see family and friends for Thanksgiving...so let's hope he can fight this off. Let's hope my antibiotics work! I did get to tell my GP that I was pregnant. He knew about the whole IVF thing so I think he was happy about that. He is NOT the Dr. God type.

Well, anyway, here's to health and us finding it! This trip could be quite interesting...

Graduation Day!

2010-11-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

So today was officially our last appointment with Dr. God. The ultrasound looked good..we got to see how the 90 thousand dollar machine transformed our little fetus into a 3 dimensional cute little alien. I'd like to think that we paid for some of that.

So, the visit was very lighthearted. Dr. God was joking around with the nurse. When we said that the NT scan looked good on the screen, he of course said that he'd been checking the whole time so he already knew that (right). Toward the end he asked us if we wanted to know the sex. Now, the sonographer during the NT scan said that Dr. God tends to do that and is right about 50% of the time..okay... So, anyway, he showed us why and that he thought it was a girl. After he left the room, the nurse said not to bank on that, that she thinks it may be a boy, that he just likes to guess. So, after all that, it's about a 50/50 chance it's a girl, or a boy.

I have this fear that if it's a girl, someone will take our chosen name. I do know eight people who are due before us (seems like a bunch) and I am almost wondering if I should tell everyone that they can't use our name. Stay away from H!

Anyway, the nurses wished us well and said to stop by to show off the belly. I don't think I really want to do that to the infertiles in the waiting room. Maybe....

So, now we have like 2 months before the next appointment. Are you kidding me?!?! I guess that's normal but it seems crazy to me! I'm not even sure if I am supposed to call the doctor that Dr. God referred us to.

Well, I am super psyched to get to this point, but still nervous as hell, of course. We'll be telling the rest of the fam this worst kept secret we have. Then a whole new can of worms opens....

feeling sick and I hate the Duggars...

2010-11-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

So, I stayed home today. My boss was out yesterday morning and I think whatever he had, I got....I also got a flu shot on Wednesday so my crappy immunity is to blame. No drugs? hmmm. I am sure if I was not pregnant or actually had something important to do at work, I'd go in, but since I have to work on Saturday, I am entitled. I may just forget to fill out my sick slip, too...

I am thinking cold that is deciding whether or not to turn into a full-on sinus infection, that I am prone to. I hope not. I'm okay with being sick but I do fear a fever. I've had lots of tea (decaf, since d-man fears me ingesting any caffeine) and I've been peeing like its my job. The coughing sucks but I'll live.

What I am dealing with is crappy daytime tv. I figure I should lay around all day. I actually thought of going to the gym, and in another situation, I would have but I'm proud that I am lounging. I did OnDemand some shows and I've been watching TLC most of the day. Now that I am more positive, I don't cry during Baby Story, so there's that, What Not to Wear, and Bringing Home Baby. I view all of that as research. (yes, I need some more professional clothes, too). There is a constant commercial about the Duggars grandchild's first birthday. That whole family and show is a huge slap in the face to anyone struggling to get pregnant, and now the friggin KID is having the 2nd grandchild...according to the commercial. Makes me want to puke. And I thought that part was over. I'm going to forever hate that damn show.

That's an ultrasound? But it's not in my vajay-jay?

2010-11-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

Today was the NT testing and the ultrasound at the Antepartum Center. The d-man and I went in and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Oh my god, this was actually covered by insurance. We were asked who are doctor was. I stumbled a bit and said, "well, we don't actually have one, yet but we are seeing Dr. God right now." Okay, she said. Apparently Dr. God has been referring his patients to a specific doctor. I think that was who were were going to go to so we said, sure, that's him.

Anyway, after getting blood from my finger (I hate that), we went in and got a regular ultrasound. I looked at the nurse like why was she here? She kind of laughed and said all of Dr. God's patients expect a vaginal ultrasound. Well, it went pretty well, every measured how it was supposed to. The skin and fluid around the neck were normal, the size was right on, it was moving around. The blood test we'll get back soon. If it's normal, it's a letter, if not, we get a phone call. Now they did say that the other 6 week old embryo that's still kind of just in there may screw up the results a bit, but we'll just have to wait and see. D-man is all about the ultrasound and thinks we can't rely on the blood test but I don't know, I kind of want a clean bill of health.

So, I am feeling a bit better about this. We have an appointment for the 20 week scan. The one doctor said that will check for birth defects. He kept friggin saying that too. I'm looking at it as we get to see the sex. I can't believe it's not until January. UGH!

looking at it all....

2010-11-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

So, I have been probably doing a disservice to some extent with my blog here. In an effort to be toned down and readable, I’ve focused on things that have happened, but not on how I felt about them. I was faced with this today, to figure out where my emotions were for the past few months and though I know how I have felt and what I have done, my knowing doesn’t explain my actions.

No, I haven’t done anything that crazy I don’t think. I’ve avoided people, told “white” lies, ignored things and events and haven’t been a friend for a while. I was hit with this by more than one person in the past few days and now that I am approaching myself again, I feel like I can go back to calling people on the phone, or listening to work issues over dinner. I did write that this experience may have changed my friendships because of me, and I think it has. I do think that I have the power to bring them back.

But that’s not the point of this post. I think it’s more of an account of what I’ve been going through. I wanted this blog to help people understand infertility and to be a place where I could vent. I think both are important.

From the beginning of this blog, I’ve been out of sorts emotionally. I was completely devastated by the news that the first IVF failed. I’d never cried like that in my life, and it was kind of overwhelming at first. BUT, I did realize the possibility of that and that we were ready to go again. I didn’t want to really share my disappointment because, well, I don’t do that. I hide my emotions from others (except d-man, he gets the brunt). That’s why I went right to therapy in January. I couldn’t let others know this was hard—so I had to tell perfect strangers. Now some of them aren’t strangers, and they are the most supportive.

If you read about everything that happened this summer, before we did the second round, you may be able to tell that it had quite an effect on me. I felt very alone when my friends didn’t really respond to an email I sent explaining what I was going through. Even before that, when I got reactions about infertility that weren’t supportive or they didn’t get it, I made the effort to avoid that person. I GET that some people can’t understand, or really just think it’s not that big of a deal. That actually prompted this blog idea. This also may be the first time that I have shared anything really traumatic in my life. I mean my good friends didn’t know my parents were divorced for years! I’ve always just moved on with my life. This summer, though, hit me kind of hard, I guess, and I went in to the cycle thinking it was me and d-man vs. the world. No one else.

The cycle part is the easy part. It’s like any medical treatment. I did the shots, which I had some problems with, but once I got the hang of it, I was fine. We got to the transfer and even the desperate waiting to see if any eggs fertilized wasn’t that bad. The two week wait was okay, because once I got the OHSS, I knew I was pregnant. At that point, I was dealing with looking six months pregnant and feeling seriously horrible. I wasn’t in group, couldn’t go out, had to work a lot and wasn’t enjoying much of anything. But it worked. I hated that people knew that already. That’s when the fear set in.

It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I mean, I’ve had my breakdowns about being infertile-usually alone, in the car, but that was shear self-pity. No question. Now I was scared about losing this pregnancy to an insane degree. One of my friends had said to me over the summer that she had a miscarriage so now she knew how I felt. Well, first of all, I haven’t had a miscarriage. I don’t know what that feels like, and she got pregnant two months after that. That isn’t possible for me. She was trying to relate and that made it harder. If I have a miscarriage, it throws us back to the beginning. All the infertility stuff comes rushing back. Not to mention, we can’t really afford to do it again right away. We spent 15 thousand dollars trying this. And unfortunately, a lot if it is about the money. Plus it was painful, time consuming, nerve-wracking, etc. Being pregnant is all those things, too, but that’s expected and normal. This is the most abnormal thing I have ever done.

The past eight weeks have been nothing like I have ever felt. I remember when the d-man was away and not answering his phone (because he was at dinner with friends and I knew that). I was a wreck, balling, for about two hours. I couldn’t fall asleep, and it was late. I couldn’t talk to d-man and I was alone. My reasoning for this breakdown? I hadn’t had morning sickness for two days. That’s when I took a mental health day from work and went in for an ultrasound. Also when Dr. God said I can’t handle this. I remember a few weeks ago trying to look up things on the babies r us website and I got so freaked out I started crying and shut down the computer. I don’t have an OB yet, have not bought one pregnancy book, and have no hint of anything baby in the apartment. It’s denial, yeah, but almost protection.

So, now that I feel a bit more confident about everything, I don’t know what to think. I’m kind of scared to even feel that way, I don’t want to jinx anything. The whole thing has fucked me up pretty bad, but I’ve always known it would be temporary. As the quote on my computer says, “It will work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, it’s not the end.”

Telling People....

2010-11-07T16:27:00.001-08:00

So, I've put a lot of thought into when we would let people know that we are pregnant. Obviously, with the exception of the few who have been in the know and with us throughout the treatment already know but there are those who don't know anything about it, who know about it but don't know where we are, and those who know around when we did it and are waiting for news either way...

We've told all different groups already, though on a very small scale and kind of when it was "necessary." The reactions thus far have been kind of what I thought. So far, here's what we've gotten:

We've told the friends who knew the dates for everything. They weren't pushy in asking, they continue to be supportive and know we are still fragile. I think we made the right move with these people. There was only one instance where on of the d-man's friends wives was a little too excited and started talking about baby things and how I'll feel later, etc. I was sort of uncomfortable but it was at a point when npp's tell everyone anyway.

We were at a party with pretty significant drinking, okay college-level drinking games, of which I was the only one not participating. The d-man right away said, "K's not drinking since she's pregnant." Okay, well, cat was definitely out of the bag there. They were the d-man's friends and a few of them had babies as well. They were super happy and asked when and how I was and told us how excited they were. I actually really liked that. I wasn't totally scared, I was happy. None of them knew about IVF.

I told some of my friends today (the 12 week mark is tomorrow) and they were happy but one reaction was significantly annoying. It was a friend who I am not particularly close with, though since I am closer to the other friend who completed our threesome for brunch, I told them both. They know of IVF, but early on I stopped updating because I didn't get the "I understand" vibe from either of them. The reaction I got from the less closer one was that it didn't take as long as I thought, almost like a "see...." I feel like she kind of poo poo'd the whole IVF and infertility deal as not that significant. I know that's not an uncommon thing for those who haven't gone through it, but it's annoying to see it. It really shows how people just don't understand....

I know that there are some friends who will be annoyed that I have not yet told them, and that I will probably do it over email, but I don't care. Work will happen in a month or so. Not sure when I will start showing, but I think I should tell my boss and co-workers before our week-long winter break. I don't want to come back looking preggers if they don't know! I'm not too worried about work, other than our shitty FMLA and the non-paid maternity leave. (using all vacation days and hopefully whatever sick days I can)

We planned on telling the rest of the family (brothers and sisters) at Thanksgiving. We may do that beforehand (not much beforehand), I don't know. The parents will be told that they can now share....As you know my MIL is about to explode and my parents want to share too. That'll be nice.

So, I am not stressing about all of this at this point, but it's very interesting how it is playing out.

very funny....

2010-11-05T04:48:00.001-07:00

I saw this somewhere else this morning and HAD to post it, just so I can go back. It's sickeningly true! Sadly, the Peach Pit isn't even mentioned....

http://jezebel.com/5680665/what-facebook-feed-looks-like-when-all-your-friends-have-babies

Approaching hurdle that I put in front of myself

2010-11-04T16:02:00.001-07:00

In case you were wondering, no issues with not going since the last one. I've been pretty diligent about getting to where I need to go, when I need to...go. So I figure more cranberry juice can't hurt me anyway, right?

Okay, so Monday is 12 weeks. That is a big day--off the progesterone shots (which terrifies me, even though NOT getting a shot in the ass every day sounds lovely), okay for sex, okay for gym (we'll see how those both work out) and if I was a "normal" pregnant person, or npp as one of my infertile friends so eloquently puts it, I'd be shouting from the rooftops and hitting Babies R Us! I'm not, of course, going to do that. In fact, I am now super worried for Wednesday.

We were given the option of doing the prenatal tests to see if you are at a higher than normal risk of chromosomal abnormalities (down's, etc) since we went through IVF. Usually women over 35 are asked if they want to. It's not like I'm 25, I'm 34, so it isn't a huge leap. From what I have read, it's a blood test and ultrasound where they check everything but specifically the skin around the fetus' neck area. If it is thick, there is a risk. This test does NOT indicate if the baby will be born with any problems, but if you are seen as high risk, you can opt for amniocentesis or another similar test.

So, now I am scared about this. We chose it, but I am worried to death. I wouldn't even have thought of it if I was a npp, but now I'm thinking bad eggs + bad sperm = bad chromosomes?? I don't know. Was the egg so bad? They picked the damn sperm. I tend to worry, if you haven't noticed. So far the ultrasounds have been a terrifying worry until I see the baby and then I am cool. Now I'll see the baby but there is something else that I can't see?? ugh. Well, we go in a week. Another long wait....

something else to worry about??

2010-11-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am sitting at the kitchen table drinking what looks like blood and tastes like shit. Why, you ask? Well, I'll just start from the beginning, and sorry if its TMI.

When I was significantly bloated, I was looking up all things OHSS. One thing said to worry if you couldn't pee. At one point, I had to go, but couldn't. Took a little perseverance and I got there, but that scared me. That only happened once, though so I didn't worry about it, especially since I knew it could happen. (not sure why, the whole OHSS thing is so beyond me).

Fast forward to this past weekend. I spent Saturday at the Rally to Restore Sanity in DC. I had like nothing to drink because going to the bathroom and getting back to my spot wasn't happening. SO, on the way home, about a 2.5 hour drive, we hit a rest stop. I had to pee like a racehorse, as they say. I went in there and nothing happened. I really freaked out. I was in there for a while and got as much out as I could. Then I went back to the car and got on the internet. SO, no blood in urine, check, no other pain, check, can it be a UTI? The d-man said to drink up and maybe I was just dehydrated. Seemed to be the case.

Monday...I drank a lot at work. On my way home I had to go, but hit the usual traffic. Once I got home, SAME DAMN THING. This upset me so I googled again! No other symptoms except that I really have to go and nothing happens, which is seriously uncomfortable. Again, I persevered. It has to be a bladder infection, or UTI, whatever, right? I always thought that happened after sex. Well, sex hasn't happened in THREE MONTHS (not a typo). What the hell? So, since I hate more issues with the doctor, I hit the grocery store. I grabbed two 32 ounce bottles of 100% organic cranberry juice with no sugar and nothing added to it. I brought it to the checkout--$8.99 a bottle! ugh. Can I add this to my taxes for medical expenses (already 17k plus)???

Well, I am HOPING this goes away or is nothing. I am trying to go whenever I get the slightest urge, which is interesting at work. I am drinking the expensive shitty cranberry juice. I did read the pregnancy can also cause a UTI. of course it does.

trying to figure out when/how I lost my friends

2010-10-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

I don't feel alone, don't get me wrong. I've had times in my life when I didn't go out and felt like a total loser but that's long since past. I also feel like I have friends, but at the same time, I think that something has gone in my social abilities.

Admittedly, some of my friendships changed when I got married and moved to the suburbs. How could they not? I wasn't hitting the bars on a thursday night, taking a cab home and getting ready to do the same thing all weekend. Going out in the city takes considerably more effort now and when there is no attempt, for me, at meeting guys, it takes away some of the desire to get all decked out. I've always been low-maintenance but now it's more pronounced. SO, having said all of that, I don't see those friends that much, and in the three years since I moved, the groups have changed, there are a lot more (and seemingly younger) people who hang out that I don't know. When I do, I almost find myself talking to the married people (if there are any).

Wanting to have a baby changes things even further, and finding out that you can't GET pregnant (on your own, okay on OUR own) makes the commonality even less. I told my friends, but they can't relate. Even the married suburbanites can't relate to that! So I see that as another way that everything has changed with my friendships.

There is another thing that I don't pretend doesn't exist. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I have changed. I changed when I moved out here, I changed when I realized I wanted (we, sorry goose) to start a family, and I definitely changed when we were told that would be significantly difficult. I worry that I have changed so much that I won't be able to revitalize my friendships. Now it's the "let's get together for dinner...in the next four weeks" relationships that I worry are pretty much ending. I also worry about the long-standing friendships that I have had where I've been hurt by the reactions of my friends. Will I be able to overlook that, considering that they didn't know they were hurting me (and I know that)? Or can I continually say, "oh that's just her..." and believe it? I don't know. Only time will tell, I suppose.

I'm not saying that I don't have really good friendships, even now. I also know that I'll make friends in my life as it changes, or go back to others whose lives have moved ahead at a quicker pace than mine and I needed to "catch up" (or really just be into the same things--single people go out to meet other single people, people with kids do things with their kids). I guess I just worry that this whole experience has made me different, though I hope it's made me stronger and willing to accept things and people. I don't know. I've let things slide because I needed to. I've totally ignored people because I couldn't deal with them and their comments. I just really don't want that to bite me in the ass.

Like I said, we'll see what happens. I do think friends are hugely important, though, and I'll make sure that I always am one (even if I feel like I haven't been in the past year)

Okay, so I've been told that this post is whiny (thanks, d-man). Perhaps it is, must be the hormones, hahaha. I think that I am in a transition period...waiting and hoping and praying for the family to GET here, which would put us into that next level, if you will. But, the d-man makes a good point. I was never a party girl. I guess that maybe I feel even more distant from the city girls, but in all honesty, I'm okay with that.

one more RE visit...

2010-10-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

We went to another ultrasound appointment this morning and I wasn't nervous (okay I was nervous before we went in there) or scared or crying! D-man wanted me to blog because he seems to think my blogs aren't positive, or I think that's what he is getting at. Anyway, Dr. God came in and shook the d-man's hand and I got the obligatory hug (we've moved to that at this point).

The ultrasound was good! We saw the big one and it actually looked like a baby, or well, a fetus. It was dancing, takes after d-man there, very similar styles. The cool factor was the technology considering it's like an inch long or whatever.

The other one is still there, which kind of isn't great, but it's smaller and going away so we aren't so worried about it. Also, my ovaries are half the size of a baseball! Sadly, that's good.

So after Dr. God left, the nurse was there to answer some questions. The d-man asked when we could be normal again. I translated that to when can we have sex? 12 weeks. Then I asked when can I go to the gym? 12 weeks...or no, I could go now, no wait, if I started bleeding due to the other one "vanishing" then I would freak out. She used those words...she's right and I didn't argue with it. SO, looks like some more walking and chastity for a couple weeks. The good news is the progesterone is almost done! After 12 weeks, that goes away too!

So, there's my positive blog!

the calming effect of a train...

2010-10-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better lately. I mean, physically, was fine today, not sick but that's not what I mean. Obviously, I've been a headcase throughout the entire pregnancy. I think partly because we are approaching week 10 (and it officially becomes a fetus) and because I think my large ovaries are getting smaller (though I won't know for sure until Thursday) and there is something about double digits that is refreshing. BUT, the d-man and I did something to ease both of our nerves. We rented a fetal Doppler monitor.

I'd read about it on the many message boards, to calm nerves and give a piece of mind between ultrasounds (which I HEAR are not every week or every other week once I leave the RE). It wasn't me who brought it up, though. When the d-man was off windsurfing, he stayed at a guesthouse belonging to a woman who spent most of her life as a mid-wife (and a lot as a windsurfer). She suggested getting it soon, since it works at 8 weeks. She even said that we should record the heartbeat on our phones so we could play it when we needed to hear it.

So, we got online and found one for $20 a month. Why not? It came the other day and we busted it right out. We quickly found a heartbeat but it didn't sound like the train or galloping horses, like the book said. When we counted the beats per minute, it was like 86. That is NOT the 171 it was at the office. We thought it had to be the smaller one....or we were counting wrong. I wasn't that confident and I didn't know if this was helpful or not...

Well, this morning I decided to look into how we were doing this whole Doppler thing....the hint I found was to keep one hand on my pulse and feel that as I was looking for a heartbeat. So, d-man was out this morning and I tried again. For the first 10 minutes I kept finding that same heartbeat, my heartbeat. It was the same as my pulse. Not sure why I didn't think of this before. MY heartrate was about 86 bpm. hmmmm. I slowly moved the knob around right where they said and finally heard a train, no question about it. It was so fast it was hard to count. I counted somewhere between 28 and 29 beats in ten seconds. I used 28.5 and multiplied by 60. 171. exhale.....

The d-man wanted to hear so we tried again this afternoon. It took another 10 minutes but I found it. The d-man lit up. I lost the heartbeat when I tried to move around and get it "louder" to record it on d-man's phone, but we were both okay with that.

I am getting closer to excited and moving away from terrified. Not there yet....but this is nice!

meat for the holidays....

2010-10-21T17:16:00.001-07:00

Not to worry, this isn't turning into a mother in law blog. If that were the case, I'd probably not let my husband read it! But I had to....we were over there yesterday (and I did get a question of when is my next doctor's appointment and am I going tomorrow?? I really want to experience this pregnancy thing on our own, but that's hard when the d-man caves so quickly)

Anyway...

So in the middle of dinner, my MIL says out of the blue, "I am thinking I am going to get practical Christmas gifts this year, instead of things no one really needs. I'd like to get you two meat from the butcher to freeze. You could clean out your freezer, and have different cuts of beef wrapped in paper." I didn't really know what to say, so I said that we didn't really have a large freezer. My FIL said we could keep it in their big freezer downstairs and come over when we wanted our meat. The d-man continued to take sips of his wine; I heard nothing from him. I later said I really hope we don't get meat for Christmas. We laughed at that one.

The conversation moved on from there, but I really hope I don't open a sirloin on Christmas morning.

okay.....I can relax for at least another 2 weeks

2010-10-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

I went in and waited for what seemed like an hour (but wasn't) for Dr. God to come in. He asked why I had come in, if I was having any bleeding or anything. I said no, I was here because I wasn't having any symptoms. The nurse got that right away. Dr. God went on some diatribe about how I started with bad symptoms and was getting better, as opposed to other women (because of the OHSS, etc.) I think that's crap, because morning sickness seems pretty common to me.

Anyway, the small one still had a heartbeat, the big one went up to 171 bpm and looked good. The nurse and Dr. God said there may be another yolk sac in the smaller one. I'm so confused with all of that crap. Well, after he basically said I need to relax, something about not being able to handle it? WTF? He actually wondered what I was scared of ....um, losing the pregnancy you asshole!

Thankfully, I was able to talk to the nurse during a blood draw afterwards (for the screening tests) and she was a lot easier to talk to. She asked how the PIO shots were going and I said fine, that I had to do my own this weekend. She then said she didn't think she could do that herself. I guess I win? I said Dr. God calls me crazy every time I come in and she called me a nervous mother. hahaha.

So, at least I have today off of work. Mental health day...for sure.

feeling good, so I am headed to the doc

2010-10-15T05:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, last night was bad. Didn't help matters that the d-man is out of town. This week was going pretty well, at least at the beginning. I had no doubt that I would make it to next Friday and the ultrasound. For some reason, the universe or god or something had other plans.

Yesterday I felt pretty much okay, meaning not really sick at all. I didn't think too much about it (though I freaked out a bit after lunch when I realized I had Mexican cheese). After work I went to the store and started to feel tired so I though that was okay but then once I got home I was totally fine. I got online and started messaging a friend who knows everything about what we've been through. I was telling her how scared I am and everything. She has a beautiful 18 month old daughter so I'm sure her perspective is different. She was trying to make me feel better saying that she was nervous her whole pregnancy but that she tried not to focus on what she couldn't control and whatever happened happened. I know that. I do, but there is so much more weight here. Our savings is gone, I am almost DONE giving myself daily injections, we've come so FAR. I tried to refocus and went to bed.

That's when things got bad. D-man was not answering his phone. I knew where he was--he's on a mini vacation windsurfing with his dad and they were hanging with the neighbors down in the outer banks. I've been there, doing the same thing. The thing is, I really needed him to answer his phone. I was losing it the longer I stayed awake and I made the mistake of googling "loss of morning sickness." This is a reoccurring theme on my blog, here, I know, but I read AGAIN how it could mean the end of it. I finally text'd my father in law and after midnight got a call from d-man. He didn't have his phone, he felt really bad (that wasn't my intention, I just really needed to talk to him). So, when he's not windsurfing, he's going to have the phone on him.

So, now it's 8:24 am. I've emailed work and said I am not coming in because I was sick all night (not an untruth) and still am. I am going in for an ultrasound at 10:15. I already feel better that I am at least doing that, but it's going to be a long couple of hours in any case.

just because I'm not puking, doesn't mean I am miscarrying...

2010-10-12T17:42:00.001-07:00

And yet, I spent the day at work online (on my phone) looking up "morning sickness going away" to see what I am up against. I got the every pregnancy is different thing, but I still think that the more constantly one is sick, it seems better. Of course my mom had four kids and never had morning sickness. She also didn't pass on her fertility to me, now did she???

So, now I feel sick. I haven't actually thrown up at all, but it's more of a queasy feeling and I feel awful in bed, but a lot of that is the LARGE ovaries and trying to get comfortable.

I really wish I could think about having a baby, but I can't. I'm so scared to think about what the room will look like or even buying a pregnancy book (which is ironic as hell since I have about 11 infertility books....) I am ignoring not only my mother in law, but some friends who I know just want to gush about pregnancy (did I mention that I know of three fertiles and four infertiles other than me, who are pregnant right now?--not including the two at work) I know I am missing out but until I get to the second trimester at the earliest, I'm going to be pretty crazy....

I guess I should be sad but I'm calmer...

2010-10-09T07:57:00.000-07:00

So, d-man and I went to see Dr. God yesterday for the almost 8 week ultrasound. After last weeks ridiculous I-don't-know-if-I-should-be-scared-or-not result, I was not going by myself and we set off for the 8am appointment together.

While in the waiting room, we saw a girl in tears hugging Dr. God (I call everyone a girl who looks my age, I say that because no one I have ever seen in the waiting room looks older than me) She left crying and we were called in next. The d-man was more nauseous than me yesterday, which is different.

We went in and the nurse I like set me up for the ultrasound. Dr. God came in and said hello and I of course said how nervous I was. He made a comment to d-man (who hates Dr. God) that he can't ever seem to calm me down. Really. Am I the ONLY crazy pregnant IVFer? I can't imagine that. So he showed us a fetus (not sure what stage we are in here) that looked, well, almost human, sort of. Saw the umbilical cord, heart beating (165 bpm) looked like a shape and not a black spot.... Then he showed us the other one, MUCH smaller and a heartbeat of 90 bpm. He basically said that one would be gone soon.

So, after trying not to get excited or think about ANYTHING related to raising a child, I am not sure what I feel about this. I did look at costs of raising twins and the risks of a twin pregnancy and the idea of doing this once was really nice. Now that I know one is pretty much dying, I am focusing on the good one. I feel like I have a better chance with one (doesn't make sense, I know) and that twins was insurance for just this circumstance. He said that women with PCOS (here we go again) tend to have "bad" embryos so he is glad we decided on three. {read about the transfer, if d-man didn't speak up, we wouldn't have even put three in!!!}

I'm still scared and probably won't tell people until the end of the year but the d-man says he went from hopeful to excited. getting there....slowly.....but surely

What do you REALLY think?

2010-10-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

So, Robert Edwards, the inventor of IVF (I had no idea who that was a year ago) won the Nobel Prize for his and his colleague's scientific research and I guess invention?? Anyway, there are many reasons why it took 32 years, many seem to be acceptance and backlash related. Ethics, it seems, is a major issue when it comes to IVF. I find that when you are going through it, it doesn't feel like ethics, it feels like medical treatment.

Here is the article, not bad, gives you the facts, etc.... BUT, the comments are extremely hurtful and full of ignorance. I laugh off the Catholics; I'm in the process of finding a new denomination myself for this and many other reasons....but when people say things that are meant to be mean and evil, I just cringe. Read some of them:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/05/health/research/05nobel.html?_r=1&scp=3&sq=robert%20edwards%20ivf&st=cse

Okay, so of the over 300 comments, not ALL are evil, some people struggling or sympathizing feel the need to fight back but I have to respond to some of it.

First of all, the argument that he shouldn't be celebrated for adding to an overpopulation problem...um, I feel like that problem is with the fertile people who have too many children or third world countries who don't have access to or knowledge of birth control. It doesn't have anything to do with sacrificing parents who put all they have into conceiving one or two children and usually end up pretty decent parents, I would assume.

The statement about how infertility is nature or God's way of controlling population and that those who are infertile were supposed to be that way. Well, my father and grandfather both had cancer--different kinds. My father is now cancer-free and my grandfather was with us for an extra ten years because they sought treatment. Was that out of God's plan? Should that science be banned because it isn't natural? No one would argue that.

The "why don't you just adopt--there a soooo many babies who need good homes" Well, in my admittedly minimal research, that's not true. It is way more expensive than IVF, unless you can foster to adopt. Just because someone is not prepared for a child with known emotional or physical issues, or wants a child with their own biology, doesn't make them bad. I think adoption is great, but it takes a special person to do it. Some agencies make sure you have come to terms with your infertility before they even let you begin the grueling process of adoption. There is also the issue of raising a child of another race/ethnicity, that may bring out some of the same asinine comments as these against IVF. Also, and I'll get off this because I really don't know it in detail, international adoption is increasingly difficult because countries either don't allow it or make it extremely difficult and expensive. "Just" adopting is huge.

The idea that IVF is for older women who are not fertile because of age or that it results in 6 children with CP is everywhere. The media perpetuates that one by highlighting the crazy people who are actually considered poor results (or crazy like octo-mom). Read my blog...if I was 24 and not 34, it would be the SAME ISSUE!!! We only put in three embryos because of said issues.....and we ain't having three.

SO! This is why I hesitate telling people. I was going to not worry once I had a successful live birth and tell the world what we did, but I am re-thinking that. I don't want my children ridiculed and looked down upon. It's rare that a disease or condition brings about a hateful attitude but it's out there.

"Don't Move That Chair!!!"

2010-10-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, it was impossible to not share the dates of our IVF with our parents, especially my in-laws since my father-in-law is an anesthesiologist at the hospital I had my retrieval at. Totally fine, even though I keep things relatively quiet for the most part and when any of the ‘rents asked how things were going, a simple fine would suffice—during the cycle. Now things are getting tricky. My parents are fine, they live pretty far away from me and I can say that things are fine, and things are scary but I’m hanging in there. Then the conversation changes to baseball or the weather and all is well. My FIL is easy, too. I think because of the medical aspect of his life, he doesn’t pry and treats me the same as he did a year ago. I really appreciate that.

That brings us to my mother-in-law. (I’m sorry d-man, and if you don’t want to read on, I understand but I need to vent somewhere!)

I’ve always been completely different from my MIL, which is totally okay. She is a stay-at-home mom who is very much into typical girly-type things and will always have make-up on and look good. I drag myself home from work, immediately change into my sweats (I call them play clothes) and watch sportscenter or read. I’m not a complete tomboy, but I wonder if my PCOS plays a role in my lifestyle sometimes -read: testosterone levels!…but most of my friends are the same way so I'm thinking I'm cool.

So, since we found out that we were indeed positive (I use that p-word instead), I have been insanely scared and nervous. The last trip to Dr. God didn't help matters, but it's been difficult. I can't be happy right now because of that and although that does suck, it's the way it is. What makes it harder is my MIL and her reaction to all of this. This is going to sound nit-picky but she tends to look at me with this excited, caring-type of smile and I hate it. So, I don't really look at her and that's not good. She said at one point that this is the hardest secret that she's ever kept and I am truly worried that she has or will tell someone...it's almost as if she wants to tell people without telling them. We were out the other night at a dinner with 13 people for her birthday. The only people who "know" were me, d-man, FIL and her. At one point I went to move the table and chair and she was like "no, you can't touch that." Then she made a point to ask me if I wanted the ginger beer that they brought (everyone else had WINE)--from across the table. She asked if I could eat certain things (shellfish, etc) ALL in front of what seemed to me as many people as possible.

SO, do I think she's malicious? No. I just know that she doesn't understand where I am coming from. D-man said he had a long talk with her and she gets it now. That was before this party. Since then I have also gotten a text where she said I had a "glow"about me. THAT is the sweat on my brow from the insane nervousness. Then she asked if the saltines were helping because she gave me crackers....she thinks I am normal and there is nothing that I or d-man can say that will change that and it probably kills her as much as it does me. I am going to have to deal with it, though I can't avoid being around her forever (even alone). Well, hopefully in 33 or so weeks this will all be forgotten and I'll be complaining about how she keeps telling me how to raise my kid(s)!

Anyway, she is pushing me away more than bringing me close and I hope she gets it sooner than later.

a little anxious or friggin terrified? (and I really want Tom Cruise's ultrasound)

2010-09-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today is the d-man's birthday. Mine was actually on Tuesday. It makes for a week of celebration. Since we are out of money, however, it consisted of small gifts and cheap dinners. Works for me. WELL...today was also the next ultrasound.

Last time I went in, Dr. God was afraid that there was either a third embryo (or whatever they are called at this point) or an ectopic in my ovary. He said he wasn't worried, but wanted to be sure. So, today I am 6 weeks 3 days. I went in for the ultrasound and the first thing he asks me is why am I always alone, meaning where is the d-man. I guess I never thought about that before...but not a big deal. He'll come next time.

Sooooo, here's what we sort of saw today, or what he told me/showed me. Dr. God confuses the hell out of me sometimes, but I think I have reason to be scared. He showed me one of the gestational sacs, but he said he couldn't see a heart beating....he said it could have been because it was close to the edge and turned an odd way, but I don't know. Then he showed the other heartbeat and did something to bring audio. It was pretty awesome. It was around 120 beats per minute, which I know is good. BUT, he said that he is concerned that there may be two yolk sacs in there and THAT would be very complicated. Then he talks about how if the one isn't growing, that we would just be down to one and that he thinks everything is okay. Okay, THEN he brings up how women with PCOS have a 50% chance of miscarriage. I wonder if that ever goes down? I think he said that to prepare me for the inevitable, but you know what?? It may be okay.

I'm worried about the friggin conjoined twin (okay, maybe that's a bit much). I've read about vanishing twin syndrome or worse, two in one amniotic sac, which has a 50% mortality rate. great. I was really nervous and upset this morning, but I'm thinking I feel like I am just going to wait and see. Dr. God couldn't really see things, he was guessing....I can't do anything about it, so we'll just wait and see. It's still so friggin EARLY!

This whole process is so crazy....I wish I could have an ultrasound everyday just to see it. THAT is why we aren't really sharing it with anyone. No one can understand why I am not yet happy..I'm scared. Gonna keep pluggin away.....

waiting for the fasten seatbelt sign to go off

2010-09-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Not to bring up the movie Say Anything again but it totally describes where I'm at right now. I mean, I haven't watched it in a long time and it isn't one I quote constantly like Ghostbusters or something (Where do these stairs go? They go up!). However, the last scene in that movie is my life right now. I'll describe, if I can. Lloyd Daubler and girl (Jennifer Connelly--see I haven't seen it in a while) are on a plane and it's a big step. She's never been on a plane before and she's pretty scared. Lloyd, who has the perfect thing to say throughout the movie, said that all she has to do is wait for the "fasten seat belt" light to go off, and when she hears a "ding," they are safe and on their way. It's pretty apropos for me right now.

So, we are 5 weeks 5 days. In some calculations, we'd be 6 weeks and a day, but Dr. God measures it from transfer day, not retrieval day. In any case, the time is moving insanely slow. I had another appointment yesterday and had a ultrasound. The cool thing, that I could even get excited about because I am probably more scared than Jennifer Connelly, is the little heartbeats that he showed me. I mean, the picture is hard to make out anything, but all the right things were on there for the two little sacs. Of course, he throws out there that there is still a possibility that the other one is hiding somewhere....great. Don't friggin say that. He also said that he must monitor my right ovary because he's not sure why it's bigger than the other one (to clarify...one is a baseball and one is one of those little league softballs) in case the embryo shot up there. And THEN he asks me why I am so worried?!

Why am I so worried...I of course was like, well, you just said THAT, but also, and I said this, "I mean, it took so long to get here, we've gone through so much and I am terrified of it going away." He was like, "I understand, but there is no need to worry. I am not worried (the nurse said he was being thorough...). Just relax." Right.

So, I feel like I am sitting in that airplane seat, staring at the fasten seat belt sign, hoping for the ding to come soon. I'll never be able to actually take the seatbelt off, because I'm going to be anxious the whole time, but once I hear the ding, I'll breathe a little easier.

Not the end of the world...

2010-09-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

So I spent 3 hours of my life watching the movie 2012, about the apocalypse. Lloyd Daubler now has a family....they end up on an arc. I started watching at 620, about the time we usually do the PIO shot. I stopped watching at 9, when the d-man left to get our take-out. Soooo, totally FORGOT about the shot...UNTIL I was thinking of how we have dinner plans next week and really need to do the shot early...the SHOT!!! OH shit!!! Okay, so maybe d-man will be right back. I got the oil in the syringe and called and texted him, no answer. I am sure I'll find his damn phone here somewhere. SO, I stuck my own ass, for the second Saturday in a row! We've done an 8:30, but never a 9:10. I try to keep it between 5-9. I am not too concerned, but now I am scared that I will do this again. I think I am going to start setting an alarm on my damn phone.

Babies need progesterone, people!!!! It's funny how when you have to do things, you just do them (and they hurt less than when your husband does them). ahhhhhhhh! I'm okay, crisis averted but I gotta be more diligent here.

Beta 3000 sounds like a car....

2010-09-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't hear exactly what the number was because I was in the car, but it was like 3600 or 3060 or something. The number is supposed to double every two days. If it was 524 on Monday and today is Friday, that's a little more than doubling, wouldn't you say?

I am calmer after the visit. I was freaking out big-time even while I was there. Lately, I had been feeling better and not as bloated. My over-google research (which I was told today not to keep doing by the nurse) indicated that if I felt better, that meant that there wasn't hcg in there that was continuing to rise. Well, that idea is shot to hell. So, I'm a little better in that there isn't too much fluid. BUT, my ovaries are huge. I can tell when I push on my abdomen. Dr. God made a fist and said the right one is about that size and the left one is probably half of it. So, the pants are still tight, but I can breathe better. The other interesting part of the ultrasound was seeing two black spots. It's too early to really see anything, but they are embryos, or whatever they are at 4 weeks 4 days. Guess that's why the number is so high.

So, I am excited but still pretty scared....NOT on the verge of tears like I was in the office, but we are taking it day by day now...

beta beta beta

2010-09-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

524. That's pretty high. I haven't done my beta research, other than it is a measure of HCG in my blood. It seems as though the number doesn't matter that much, as long as it is over 100 and doubles every 72 hours or so. Of course 524 could indicate there are two in there.

So, that was good news yesterday. Today I feel physically much better, 3 pounds lighter (though still pretty fat looking) and significantly more nervous and scared. I don't have another appointment until Friday for blood and another look at my gut for fluid.

I kinda hope I start feeling worse and have more fluid because that could indicate more HCG. I don't have any actual pregnancy symptoms so I can't really go off of that. I'm way more nervous this week than I was last week.....but I have no control. That is the theme of all of this.

2010-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

So, this whole process has had me doing things that I've never heard of and I really never thought I would have to do. I mean, life is full of that, I understand that, but it doesn't change the fact that this stuff is friggin crazy.

I went in for my beta test today and told the nurse that I had a positive pee test. She was excited wanted to know how I felt, etc. I told/showed her my gut and she checked to see if Dr. God wanted to do an ultrasound. He came in and said, "I think that there are three in there...if not three, then two." Um....well, he didn't even look at me so not sure about that. He did an ultrasound and decided he wanted to drain me. I've heard this makes you feel better but the chat boards seemed to indicate that this was an IV/hospital stay kind of deal. Because it wasn't too much, though, I can do it in the office. He said he didn't want other people touching me so he wanted to do it in the office and not wait until I had to go to the hospital. I would like to avoid that as well.

Odd, as usual. It didn't hurt too much, but not the most comfortable experience. I feel better, though, than I did when I woke up...for sure.... Dr. God said he was thinking he'd do this twice a week! Um, we'll see. Could be interesting. I shouldn't have looked at the massive needle-like thing that he stuck up in there, and what came out looked like, well, it looked like beer. I didn't say that, though, but I guess I am missing that! haha. In any case, add this on to the WHOLE experience.

Now, I am waiting on the phone call.....

Pee test

2010-09-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the beta test; they will be testing my blood for the level of hcg. HCG is what is detected in my pee (on the stick). So, we did that tonight. The d-man wanted to wait until he got back from a sailing weekend (which, by the way, had me doing my OWN PIO injection!). Since we weren't doing this first thing in the morning, I had to not GO for like 3 hours. That was rough, which for me is ALWAYS an issue....

Anyway, YES, it was positive, but my big belly kinda told me that already. Tomorrow I find out what the level is. It has to keep doubling in order to stay viable. One hurdle...no like seven hurdles down, 1000 to go!

OHSS update

2010-09-12T05:52:00.001-07:00

I just ate breakfast---about 25 of my 100 grams of protein I am supposed to eat each day (I really have no idea why). I go to work in two hours, so that should be good. If I wasn't looking five months preggers right now (and I am guessing...never been there, believe it or not), the 1600-1800 calories I am resistively shoving in, mostly protein, each day would have me looking svelte. But, alas, I am not exercising, so I just feel pretty fat.

My ovaries are large, which is pushing my organs around. There may be fluid in there, too. I am really glad that I am not gaining weight, though I am probably losing to some degree, so I am probably gaining even though I am staying the same.(got that?) In any case, it isn't the 3-7 pounds per day that people who have a severe case of this deal with. I can't even imagine and I am terrified that it will get worse. It gets worse due to the HCG being secreted by my embryo(s). Big blood test on Monday, but if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

SO, I am living a life of a pregnant teen trying to hide her belly by buying bigger clothes and wearing bigger shirts (tough in the heat, man!). I am also drinking lots of gatorade (apparently this f's up your electrolytes) along with the protein. That, my friends, is ALL I CAN DO. Modern medicine is great because it got me here, but sucks at the same time.....

I've heard horror stories about this putting women in the hospital for 3 months, having to get drained every week, etc. I mean, I really need to work so that can't happen. If I use up the sick days now, what happens when I actually have to take maternity leave...this isn't Europe, sick and vacation days have to be used. I've read lots of different things about how long it lasts. The theory is when the placenta takes over the pregnancy, after the ovaries, that this goes away...um, that's the second trimester. I want it to go away like you wouldn't believe, but I am scared to death it will and that means the end of the pregnancy as well....

Well, add this to the drama.....I'll act as I usually do, that it sucks but no big deal. You know what, though? It IS a big deal, and it totally sucks and isn't fair. AND, I can't really tell anyone but some family and friends for obvious reasons. Sounds like a theme.... BUT, I'm keeping the blog updated because I will get through it and I'll even have a record of that!

back to school....

2010-09-10T04:32:00.000-07:00

I am not going to bash facebook or anything. I mean, I am on it everyday just like the rest of you all (except d-man, you are better than I). BUT, it can be torturous at times.

Example #1: this week. It's the first day of school/day care/ nursery school....the house is empty, we went to Staples, you name it, it's on there. If I don't like things on facebook, I typically hide them (re: bedazzled-wtf IS that anyway??), but I know this is one or ten posts and it will be over. Besides, I hope to do it myself someday.

Example #2: honeymoon conceptions. TWO facebook friends had this happen. It went from wedding pictures to "we are going to be three!" in literally two months. ugh.

Example #3: ultrasound pictures. I have some, too, but they are 8-cell embryos, probably not the same thing. If it is one up there, it's okay, but when it becomes the profile picture, well, that's just odd.

Example #4: Mommie questions....like "all you mommies out there, what do you do when junior won't take the bottle and it's been 3 years?"

Example #5: the facebook "post in your status if you agree" things like "I love my daughter/son and she/he is my reason for living, if you agree post this as your status...." If you don't you pretty much suck, right?

I find myself reading the posts of those who are running marathons, seeing funny things on the street, talking about work. It's been brutal lately, but I can handle it. I mean, I keep going back!

The big BLOAT

2010-09-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Since the transfer, I've felt fine. I mean, I had some lingering cramping from the retrieval but other than that, I didn't feel too different. I figured that Dr. God did a good job with the stims, the trigger shot didn't put my large ovaries into a tailspin and I wasn't bloated at all. In all the reading that I did (online thus far) I learned a lot about ovarian hyperstimulation sydrome (OHSS) and that I would be bloated and uncomfortable and probably gain some weight if I had it
.
.
So, over the weekend I had some pizza, and some wings, and some other indulgences (hey Labor Day weekend!) However, It wasn't a binge or anything, even though I started feeling bloated. I immediately assumed I overate and the lapse from the gym was now catching up to me. Last night, which is seven days past transfer (7dp3dt for those in the know) I was noticeably bloated and feeling pretty gross. I did what I always do and consulted Dr. Google. I read about late onset OHSS, which occurs when the HCG is secreted by the embryo once implantation occurs and the ovaries and follicles react to that. I'm not sure how I made it past the shot and have to deal with the actual hormone but if you are following me, I basically read that implantation actually happened.
I shared that with the d-man. We were both going to ask about it at Dr. God's this morning. Turns out, I didn't even need to. I had an ultrasound after telling him I felt bloated. He took a quick look and was like "oh yeah, very full." My ovaries are baseballs. There is also fluid in there. Dr. God actually said I was pregnant, a full week before my blood test! He verified what I had read online and I am feeling it still, let me tell you. I believe him. I am waiting for the blood test, of course, though I will probably pee on a stick before then, but this is more of a sign than any sore boob could ever be.

Now I wait and see. If I have a multiple pregnancy, it will be even worse. I don't know how bad it can get and I am pretty nervous about it. He said eat a lot of protein, drink fluids and rest and watch my weight. It's crazy, I mean this is good, and yet I have to NOW deal with THIS shit! Normal pregnant people have no idea and no room to bitch. That may be mean, but come on!
I am cautiously optimistic....but pretty confident. The resting thing will be tough with work right now, but I am gonna keep going...

I quit group!

2010-08-31T17:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've been going to a support group since January, with a month off in July, where I quickly had my many car accidents and the frustrating trip with my girlfriends (sign not to leave, I suppose). Today I found out I needed to pay for a day I didn't attend group and well, I got pissed off at the group leader. Then, my two group friends both decided they were leaving (one because she's pregnant--not the best for an infertility support group, and the other because she is moving on to adoption). Then, I found out there were four people joining today. I don't feel like telling my story again and hearing everyone's new story. I think I'm done with that--for a while anyway.

I have my group friends, my other friends, the d-man, to get me through the two-week wait. I am sure that will be cool! I feel good about that. Plus, I don't feel like paying for it so I figured this was a good decision for so many reasons....I feel like I am approaching the end of my infertility hell. I am at least better equipped to deal with all of it.

In other news, the PIO shot did NOT hurt tonight. Last night, I felt sick and almost passed out. Not only did it hurt, but the slow process of injecting it takes like 5 hours when it hurts and I started sweating, felt sick, the whole deal. The d-man has figured out that heating it IS important. I know if I felt nauseous that he definitely did. I now have one of those famous lumps....let's hope that doesn't continue.

See, I didn't have to share that with group! Writing about it is just as helpful...

transferred!

2010-08-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today we did the embryo transfer--3 day. I am sure it went well, it's very quick and you pretty much know if it gets messed up. I mean, I would assume....

So, the actual transfer goes like this...wheeled into the same room Dr. God did the retrieval in but the d-man was there with me, and one of the nurses from the office. I had to have a full-ish bladder because they use ultrasound (the regular one) to watch them go in. The embryologist hands them to the doc, he shoots them in via catheter (watching the screen) and hands the tube back to the embryologist (who is in the lab through a window). She makes sure it's clear and I am sent back to the recovery room to wait it out, on an angle, for 45 minutes.

Here's the odd parts of this process....and I believe that it started with the retrieval.

I, or we, were not alone. This is of course, a good thing. But kinda weird in a way. There were two other couples having the retrieval last Friday and we were all in the recovery room together. It was like we were all connected, in a strange way, even though I don't know them or anything. Then this morning, all of us were there again, in the same order. It's not like we all chatted or anything, but the awkward connection is still bizarre.

So, I had my full-ish bladder when I got to the office...it quickly turned to way too full. The nurse said I could pee, try to keep some in there if I could, but not to worry if I couldn't. I did my best. I was rolled on in and when she began to do the ultrasound, she made some kind of comment indicating that I will probably have to go again soon...so, when I went back to wait it out, I had to go, and bad. I waited until the third woman was back in and grabbed the nurse for the bedpan. Needless to say, she was NOT surprised, but very cool about it. I probably shouldn't dwell on the pee thing, since when this friggin works, I'll be doing it a lot.

So, we transferred in three embryos, and two looked amazing, according to Dr. God. He came in and said he only wanted to do two, since two looked so great. BUT, then we asked about last time and he didn't remember what we did last time. So, we had him look at the file, and he went with the three. The d-man is NOT into Dr. God, and I am not sure I am a fan, either. If we do this again, we will probably be doing it in another office. BUT, the best of the embryos looked textbook, the second one looked great, too, and I don't know about the third one. I am glad we got three in there---ups the chances, obviously.

Now it really is a two week wait.

oooooohhhhkay. deep breath...GROW

2010-08-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I kept waking up this morning--early, waiting for the phone to ring with the fertilization report. I was thinking that if it was too late, it would be bad news, and I'd lose it before going to work! Got the call around 8, and all 10 were mature (I guess I did the shots right) and seven fertilized. Shit. I really wanted more. Last time we also had seven and then it was down to five and then only the two we transferred...

So, I am not sure if I am disappointed or not, oddly. I mean, I am because I really wanted some to freeze (and technically could still have like four) and this maxes out at now two chances. But I know it is better than a lot of women out there and I really believe the eggs, and hopefully the sperm, are good.

They ICSI'd (Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection) all of them. That means they injected the egg with one sperm--picked it out on purpose since some of them are shaped funny. I guess they didn't pick well on three of them, or sometimes it just doesn't happen, I don't know.

Now we wait again....24 hours, for the next call. It's out of my hands now, not that it hasn't been the whole time, but for real now. We should transfer on Monday and then we wait for two weeks! Seems so easy....hahahaha

PIO shots! yeah

2010-08-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

This isn't one of those blog posts that gives tips on how to make this awful shot work, just that we did it tonight for the first time (of three months, hopefully) and it wasn't so bad! It didn't hurt and none of the after effects.

So, what is a PIO injection? Well, progesterone, from what I understand, is necessary to keep a pregnancy and under normal conditions, the body produces it. Not so, since I have totally controlled my cycle with the drugs, and injected all my hormones. So, this is the next one to be injected. If I get pregnant, I need to continue with these injections until the second trimester.

Why is it awful? Hmmmm, well, it goes in my ass (or hip, if you want to lie about that) and PIO stands for progesterone in oil. Yes, it is in friggin oil! I asked the nurse once why and she said, "don't know, ask the pharmacist." Okay....so, it's mostly peanut oil I have read. The thing is the oil makes it go in REALLY slow, so once you actually get it in your ass (and the d-man typically is the one to do this), check to see you haven't hit a blood vessel, and start injecting it, it takes like 45 seconds to get it all in. This doesn't really hurt, but it is going in my muscle. Last time, I sadly only did this for two weeks and it was like I pulled my ass. Better than a hammy, but really. Also, I have heard that the oil can essentially coagulate in there an become lumpy, and THAT can be painful.

The nurse didn't initially call it the worst shot ever for nothing! But, if this works, it's the best shot ever....

Retrieval Day!

2010-08-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

Two and a half hours ago I was having my eggs sucked out. Now I am chilling on the couch. I stopped icing my swollen hand (from IV) so I could give an update. He got 10. I am a bit disappointed because he did say there could be 15 in there and we REALLY need to freeze some embryos. Last time we also got 10 and 7 fertilized, we put in two and the rest didn't make it...hence IVF #2.

The d-man was pretty disappointed in the recovery room but he is making an effort to be super positive at this point. As am I.

So, how was it? Well....I went down there with two other women who were doing the same thing. I put the gown on, got the hot towels on and talked with the anesthesia team. Of course my father-in-law stopped by, since he is also an anesthesiologist and wished me well! Once the IV was in the nurse asked if I had any questions for Dr. God, and if not she'd give me something to take the edge off. I opted for the drugs! yeah!!! It was fast, it only takes 20 minutes and I was the usual groggy coming out of it. I was initially not happy with 10, but Dr. God, as always, was pleased. Saw my father-in-law again after and the d-man of course and waited with the other women as they went in one after the other. Crazy how many people are doing this. They were nice. There is a solidarity among the fertility challenged-especially when it comes to this point, I think. I left once I was able to walk around and that's really it.

I'm in a little pain, not too bad, like cramps, which I guess they are, go figure. I plan to relax and read. I have some work to do but nothing too crazy. I'm on some antibiotics and plan to get lots of yogurt in me too.

Perhaps I'll make it outside to read. That counts as bedrest, I'm sure.

Update on the embryos tomorrow morning. I'm nervous but it's out of my hands now...

PIO shots tonight. I'll update on that for sure!

Butter or Bravelle?

2010-08-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was our anniversary. It was somewhat anticlimactic considering we are in the middle of stims. That, and we can't afford anything. We got each other t-shirts (the second is the cotton anniversary). We DID, however go to an overpriced restaurant that I wanted to try. When I say too much butter, that's an understatement. It was ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but wow. I felt totally bloated and gross the rest of the night. I still feel that way. I can't imagine that the butter is still affecting me so I am going to say that it has to be the Bravelle.

I went in for bloodwork and an unltrasound yesterday and will go back tomorrow. They said that I'd feel worse in the next few days (yep) and that the trigger would be Wednesday and the retrieval would be Friday. Thank GOD! Work-wise, any other day would have been bad (so I hope things don't change tomorrow). I'm feeling like I just want Friday to get here...not sure if the bloat will go away, it's due to my now 15 follicles, but here we go!

still stimming.....

2010-08-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I am giving myself another shot of Bravelle tonight. I mean, I've been at this for almost two weeks! I guess I am getting antsy. I am definitely better at mixing it and injecting it at this point, though I still always have that small hesitation and "I can't believe I am sticking a needle in my stomach" moment.

Dr. God said the 11 or so follicles I have look good, that's what he wants. The D-man swears that Dr. God had said he wanted more when we first talked about this round, but I don't know. They all look the same size, which is good, and they are growing bigger. I'm so worried about none to freeze. I realize the frosties as they call them, is a back up plan, but just having that is nice...they could also be siblings!

I think I am starting to feel something...not softball sized ovaries or anything but something. I wonder if that's in my head, since the doc said I'd probably feel it by the next appointment (tomorrow morning).

So...Wed..or thursday, or friday.....which conflicts with work of course, but it's gonna happen again here. It's bizarre, so freaking bizarre, to even have to do this, but I'm all in. I feel different, seasoned or something, but still scared out of my mind. I have to trust, even though Dr. God is way full of himself. So, here I am, ready to shoot up again tonight, and see where the week goes!

my new friends...

2010-08-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

So, I had dinner with one of my infertile friends tonight. How awful does that sound? I've got categories of friends now. I mean I've had the "high school friends" and the "college friends" and the "work friends" and whatever but now the categories are the supportive friends, the not supportive friends and the infertile friends. Thank god for some support, and damn the not supportive friends but the infertiles, that's a whole new type. Our connection? Obviously, infertility, going through treatments, understanding getting upset when seeing a baby..
So, it's a new type of connection, we can talk about all things infertility and not hold back because we wonder what someone will think or if it will offend someone. It was the beginning of the friendship and only after hanging out some do we really learn that we have absolutely nothing else in common, and that's totally fine! It's actually nice to venture out.
The big hope and also the big fear is when one of us gets (and stays) pregnant. Do we stay friends? How does it work? The infertile friend I ate with tonight actually got a positive the other day. I see that as hopeful. There is no jealousy there, more respect for going through IVF and landing on the other side.
Only time will tell how the infertile relationships go, and also if I can remain friends with the "non-supporters" who were once some of my best friends.
I truly believe that some people enter your life at certain times to help you through things. Perhaps there are also people who just aren't supposed to be there for you, but don't go away. I don't know...it's all too deep! I do know that support is there, just the form at times changes.

stims day # 7

2010-08-16T16:53:00.001-07:00

Okay, it's been a week and I don't yet feel any different. Last time I was totally bloated around this time and when they told me not to work out, I was actually okay with it. Now I am just....grrrr. The mixing of the new drugs gives me anxiety. But I am also anxious that things aren't progressing?? I mean, I was on the Lupron Depot so I wouldn't start with too many follicles. I guess that's what this feels like. He did say my lining was thin...I don't like to hear that. Got an appointment tomorrow so more on that later!

I didn't go to nursing school!!!!

2010-08-12T19:29:00.001-07:00

I am not a nurse, not a doctor, not a heroin addict. So, when I freak out about giving myself an injection, I'd say that's pretty normal. The last time I did IVF, the drugs were all pre-mixed. Well, one wasn't but that was one night and to be honest, the d-man did it because it was the trigger shot.
This time I am using Bravelle, which has to be mixed. It's in powder form and you mix it with sodium chloride. At first I thought that was difficult enough. I had to suck out the water right, inject it into the powder, then move half of that mixture to another powder because my dose was all crazy. I figured I had that down tonight, but there were bubbles in the syringe. and I somehow got some of it to shoot out onto the counter. Rather than going crazy, I depressed the syringe and shot it all out into the sink. This cost about $300. Plus I probably put some local kids into early puberty but I didn't know what else to do.
Try number two......I started out much better, slower. I injected the now half mix into the new powder and the dose was perfect. However, when I tried to pull it back into the new syringe (must have all new everything so nothing gets contaminated, right?)there was another friggin air bubble. Only this one seemed much worse. I tapped and tapped, and TAPPED the damn thing but nothing was happening. It was like an air pocket. I put it down and started to freak out a bit.
I called a friend of mine and convinced myself it was a vacuum and not air.
I went back and started to inject it, just up until the air bubble. I stopped and took it out. AND noticed I only actually injected like half of it, maybe a bit more, I don't know. I was bleeding, too, of course. of COURSE! There goes another $150 and some poor girls childhood.

The fact that this is something I have to do is f'ing nuts! I'll be a patient but being the nurse too is not cool. ugh, it amazes me how I can endure shots, since I used to be afraid of needles but now I am more upset about reconstitution of drugs and doing the injections. Funny how things change....stay tuned.

my personal babymoon

2010-08-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about this vacation for a while so I should mention it, right? In the past month I've had two car accidents, major ongoing drama with the insurance company, a failed reunion with high school "friends," a finding of nodules on my thyroid (turned out okay), and another work pregnancy announcement.
BUT, the six days and five nights I was in the Dominican Republic were awe...sommmme. It was like the other stuff wasn't even happening. Oh, sure there were at least two pregnant staff and I saw like five or six babymooners, but that DIDN'T EVEN MATTER!! We actually JOKED about it!!! ha!
We spent our days on the beach with someone coming to our cabana every 25-30 minutes asking us what kind of drink we wanted. We played tennis, hit the gym, sailed a bit, went horseback riding, swam, had romantic evenings beginning with dinner....it put our honeymoon to shame. That, my friends, was a vacation!

Reality has hit hard, but I have the memories!!!

We have started stims....here we go!

worse than baby story?

2010-08-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

There is a show called "Pregnant and..." Not sure if it's on Discovery or TLC or what but it's about odd situations like pregnant and in prison, pregnant and 3 foot 2, pregnant and a man, whatever. Are you f'ing kidding me? THESE people have no problem reproducing. How about NOT pregnant and 33 and married with a stable income? Not as exciting, maybe???

lasting friendships?

2010-07-26T14:58:00.000-07:00

Okay..this was a weekend that I was both looking forward to and dreading. My four high school girlfriends and I were heading to one house for the weekend. Usually we go camping, the five girls. We make smores, have beers, pitch tents and catch up on each others lives. Well, we decided that this year (well before I found out about all the infertility stuff) we would bring the husbands...and the kids. I'll admit, it wasn't the best. There were other reasons why it was a bad idea (personalities play a part here) but I'll stick to the infertility reasons for this. Otherwise, that's a whole other blog.
I was pretty scared after my IVF failed about how I would deal with seeing everyone with their kids. I wasn't sure if I could handle it, especially since it was SO hard right after to even be around people with babies or toddlers. I also have some friends who tend to talk baby or about everything that they are doing regarding parenting. I know that's not unusual, but I didn't want to hear it. SO, I sent an email. Granted, I sent it a while ago, but I still sent it. I thought it really explained why I didn't want to listen to baby stories, what I was feeling, and that I would like support. I got some responses, via email, and a non-response. great. I do have one extremely supportive friend in this group, but the others, and especially the host, I wasn't so sure about...
So. I did have a hard time at first. Saturday the guys went off to do something and the women were back by the pool. Everyone was playing with their kids and really not talking to each other like we usually do. It was actually kind of odd. Thus far, no one had really even asked how I was doing (well, some asked a little, and I mean a LITTLE, about the car accident I was just in). So, I was the only one with no kid to dote on, and no one seemed to give a shit about what I was going through (except my one friend..I don't put her in this group). I spent at least 45 minutes out kayaking alone, which gave me a chance to bawl my eyes out over everything without making anyone else uncomfortable. Cause you know, I cared what they felt. hint hint
After I got back, it got a little better. The men returned (including the d-man) and we played some games and we all did a 5k together. That night, the girls sat around the table and talked. Again, nothing. NOTHING. I didn't want to bring anything up, since I already had. I am not saying that others don't go through things that people don't talk about, but I mean, I put in the email that I WANTED to talk about it. I crave support, what can I say? It's kinda hard when that doesn't happen. As we were all finishing up packing to leave, the non-responder said she had been meaning to ask how everything was going and actually did. Okay, so now? Now that we are leaving?? Really? really. She said she would call. Yeah. You do that. The thing is, I'll probably freaking fill her in! But, I am on vacation for a week so perhaps I can not only ignore but also not answer her.
So, after thinking this weekend was going to be hard because I had to see people with their kids, I learned yet another hardship of infertility and relationships. People don't want to hear about it, even when you want to talk about it. In fairness, this weekend was odd all the way around in that no one really asked about anyone's lives, but they all knew that this was important to me.
When I read that some people lose friends for a while at least, while going through this, I didn't relate at first. Now I understand. Whether it's an uncomfortableness with everything, or not wanting to hear about it, or thinking I am overreacting, it doesn't really matter. It's just another thing that upsets me, and another shitty aspect of infertility.
Maybe next year we'll try camping again and I'll have the baby stories. Sadly, I won't forget this weekend.

That which does not kill us.....

2010-07-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m alive. I keep saying that, I guess to reassure myself or to make me feel better, since things could have been worse. So, car accident; two, sort of.
This was supposed to be my month to relax. I had just gotten my last Lupron Depot shot and I was on my way to see a friend in the Boston area. I had just made it through NYC and was on my way up 95 north. It was bumper to bumper, stop and go, awful traffic, but it was also 5pm on a Friday leaving New York so it wasn’t a big surprise. So, I was just noticing the message boards saying that there was 11 miles left of congestion and I felt this jerk. I kind of picture it in slow motion, the glass flying at me, me hitting the car in front of me…I remember that there was water all over, from the bottle I had been drinking. I didn’t realize the back window was actually gone until I got out of the car. I called the d-man and I called the friend I was going to see. The guy whose van was now in front of me (who had actually hit me from behind because he had “dozed off”) seemed to be limping and dazed. I was more or less just shocked that this had actually happened. My next call was to the insurance company..then the police.
From there it gets worse, at least from my perspective. The cop was a really nice, super jacked up state trooper who let me make my phone calls from his air conditioned car. The d-man was kind of freaking out, especially since he was about to embark on a sailing race but got off the boat in Annapolis and into his car after I called him. Thankfully I convinced him not to come all the way up! I had the car towed to the nearest garage; it was a mess-totaled for sure. I opted to go to the hospital since I had numbness down my arm and was sore. I figured I had a few hours to kill anyway waiting for my friend to get there from Boston. So, they made me get on a stretcher-protocol. I didn’t realize this would be my position for the next seven hours.
Once at the hospital, I was basically in line with like three other stretchers. I saw at least one other accident, worse-looking than ours, and it was a Friday in New Haven, so probably a typical hot weekend. I eventually got into a room and asked about the accident by about four people at this point. Then someone asked if my arm still felt numb. It did, so I said yes. Mistake. I was then elevated to trauma and moved to the trauma unit. I was warned that I would be examined by a lot of people but that is NO warning.
I found myself under a light in an area with a curtain being pulled. I couldn’t tell you how many people were actually in there. One doctor introduced herself and said that they were going to take my clothes off and examine me. Then some nurse started cutting my shirt. Okay, taking off and CUTTING off? Different things. I at least got to take my shorts and underwear off myself and keep them. The other stuff was apparently not important. Then they said I had to lose the necklace. I pitched a fit here, but they weren’t actually going to cut it. Another nurse grabs my arm and says she needs to start an IV. I fought this and asked why. Her response was, “You’re in the trauma center, sweetie.” Nice. She of course hit a nerve and a sharp pain went down my arm to my wrist. Still bothers me a little five days later. Then I had people touching me and sticking things on or in me, I guess. Finally, I had a gown half on and a blanket over me and my friend came in.
Now, from there I had an MRI, a CT scan, and an x-ray. Fine, those make sense. The workup I got by all of those nurses, doctors, med students I’m sure, does NOT. I mean, I wasn’t unconscious. What the hell? I felt totally violated. Strong word maybe but for real, I was more upset about that experience then the actual accident, and still am. I ended up having no abnormalities, except they did find a nodule on my thyroid (which may screw up my IVF cycle by pushing it back another month). I just hope this didn’t happen so we “caught the cancer early.” That’s what I keep thinking, even though my GP said the nodule is most likely nothing and not to worry about it. Anyway, it took forever and we didn’t leave until one in the morning.
So, after all of that, and getting rental car, we visited a car dealership about a used car. I still don’t know what we will get but my car payment of nothing is most definitely going up. This with the IVF bill looming. So awesome. BUT, it gets even WORSE..
I was on my way to the doctor to ask about the thyroid and a freaking DEER ran INTO the RENTAL CAR! WTF???? Now I am dealing with four insurance companies, two cars, one car dealership and two hospitals. Needless to say, this is NOT the month of serenity it was supposed to be.

Grasping at....confidence?

2010-07-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

So, I should comment on the fact that it's been over 100 degrees for the past two days and isn't getting cooler for another few days, but why? This is really the hottest summer of my life for so many reasons.
Well, there are a few things I do when its this hot. One, is hang in the A/C. The other, lately, is hang in the pool. It was sooo nice over the weekend, actually felt pretty cool, surprisingly. It is nice to be able to head over to the in-laws and jump in the pool, even though it IS the in-laws. The other thing that they have over there is a hammock. On Saturday night, the d-man and I were laying in it after everyone had gone to bed. We were looking at the stars (and the satellites) and of course I was thinking about "IT." I don't care how much I do things, travel, live my summer, I think about this every day. I wonder if it will work, though I am confident. I think about what I will feel if it doesn't or if it does and then I miscarry. I think about if it doesn't at all and what the hell are we gonna do then? I think about twins. I think about if all three embryos stick and the choices we have to make then...
The d-man, who reads me like a book, asked me what I was thinking about. My answer was just "what do you think??" He then said to me that he wonders if Dr. God is grasping at straws. Now, Dr. God has me on the Lupron right now, and then will do higher doses of stims, and I'll be taking Viagra (for my lining-I've read about that one). Then we were talking about this whole thing is just grasping at straws, and a big crap shoot, and you never know what's going to happen. Of course that upset me to no end. At which time the d-man said that Dr. God was probably more confident than grasping...probably to make me feel better, but I think it's gotta be both.
I'm grasping, that's for sure....but I am going to force confidence on myself.

Moody? WTF? and I QUIT therapy...

2010-06-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so things are going pretty well here. I am still WAITING....and getting the occasional hot flash, of course. BUT, I am living the summer, going away, hanging by the pool, exercising, trying to eat fruit and count it as dessert. It's all good. So, WHY do I have days of being sad. I don't get it. I feel like I should be fine right now! I guess I have never really had to deal with something that just wasn't ending.
Last week I went to my support group and I was the only one there. That isn't anyone else's fault, people have vacations, and things that come up, but when I just talked about what was going on with me, there really wasn't anything all that exciting. I mean, other than drug side effects (which aside from just making me feel bizarre, isn't really noteworthy). I had to fill the time because I really didn't want to waste my 25 bucks.
I decided that I needed time off, a break, or that I didn't really need the group while I am still waiting on the IVF again.... I do walk with one of my fellow group chicks every week, so I get the updates. So I left, for a while, anyway. I felt great about it and I know that it's the right thing to do right now. I think, though, that I just realized this weekend, that my feelings are not going away, that I still have to deal with all of this.
So, I was good, most of the week, but yesterday-Saturday, was BAD. I mean, I don't know what the hell was wrong with me but was in a pissy mood all day. Part of it was the fact that we had to clean the house but the d-man wanted to make sure we watched soccer (okay, I really am not a fan of soccer) and then we were going to the Phillies game. The thing is, I was exhausted. I mean, ready to fall asleep at any time, anywhere, exhausted. Plus, I was cranky and just was ready to fight with the d-man at any point. That's not me, so what is it? the drugs? I don't know. I'm still dealing with just being upset for no reason. So, no therapy, but nothing is really going away. I am pretty sure that I can handle it, that I can cry it out when I need to and talk to whoever I have to.
I'll go back to the group, but for now, I have to deal with all this shit on my own. Because the thing is, I WILL be moody, and I will be sad and I will get upset about things that seem normal to other people. It's how I deal with it right now that's going to make or break my July. no pressure....

The heat is so HOT......mon

2010-06-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I was in the BVIs and we were listening to the radio (reggae, shocker). The DJ was awesome and his best line was “The heat is so hot!” SOO apropos right now……

It has been summer for all of a day and a half and we are experiencing crazy heat and humidity usually not seen until August (in the Philly area). Global warming is non-existent? I beg to differ, Mr. Cheney. We have another 90+ couple of days coming up and I am super glad our AC is working in the house and in the office. I am especially glad because at 33 years old, I am experiencing what I am sure are hot flashes. Now this is not a surprise, since this summer I am taking Lupron Depot to prep my ovaries for IVF #2 in August and the side effects are supposed to be “menopausal-like symptoms.”

I was not certain at first if I had a hot flash or what. I went to the source (mom) who said I’d wake up having sweat through whatever I was wearing and possibly the sheets. That hasn’t happened, though I have woken up sweating. The thing is I didn’t know throughout the past few weeks if I was having a hot flash or if the AC was going out or something. I mean it’s BEEN 95 DEGREES OUT!! I’ve taken to asking others around if they are hot when I have these moments of serious hotness (and not in the me in a bikini way) and sweat building up on my brow. They have been saying, “no…???”

Here’s when I figured something was up; about three and a half weeks after beginning the shots, I went to the dentist. I was sweating in the chair…now again, 90 degrees, and I was in the frickin’ dentist chair and who doesn’t sweat there? Well, when I say hot, I mean, sweat down my back—kind of embarrassing walking out of there. Then I began to realize that I’d have these 5-10 minute well, hot flashes. The asking those around me (the d-man, my therapist from group) if they were hot and having them say, “no, I’m actually a bit chilly,” made me realize what was going on here.

SO, I was super excited not to be getting the side effects but was so worried that it meant this wasn’t working. Well, not anymore! I don’t think it’s overbearing, but I hope to hell it doesn’t get worse. I’m glad this is in the summer so I can tell people it’s just hot out and not be totally embarrassed. I get to go through this again in 20 years, right? Awesome.

filled up the summer!

2010-06-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we threw caution to the wind and are going to Punta Cana for five nights and six days (or four since we have to actually get there)!!! Can we afford it? HELL NO! But we deserve it after the crap we have gone through in the past six months. We did a lot of justification for this one, since it isn't cheap. I mean we've been through the whole infertility punch to the face, and one round of IVF and we need to have a vacation--JUST THE TWO OF US. We picked a secluded adult-only all-inclusive spot to NOT get upset about seeing babies and parents, NOT listen to our families or friends or colleagues opinions and just enjoy each other (and the beach!).

We've decided to keep it quiet. No family will know and not all the friends (though since we are going to a third world country, someone will get the flight number) There is a bit of guilt associated with this, which is totally messed up. I mean we are 33 and 32 and OLD enough to go on vacation, right!? I guess since we are dropping 5k for round two and depleting the house fund on a trip to the DR, we feel a bit like this may be a selfish decision (but well, the money is OURS). Well, we won't be able to do this for a LONG time--the baby, I mean, the baby will take our time and money, we are still thinking about that whole thing---so this is it!

I begin stims the week we get back (I think??) and have an appointment for an ultrasound and bloodwork the day after we get home. RIGHT IN! I just hope I don't mistakenly drink the water. That would make for an uncomfortable visit to Dr. God's office! For him and me, I assume.

Now....to lose 10 pounds in a month (okay, 5).....

baby watching...

2010-06-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

Here is what I consider to be a "just so you know" for all of you out there who know someone who is struggling with infertility. Because, it makes absolutely no sense. Here's the thing, I was at the Hallmark store buying a card for my dad for father's day. I was looking at the 'from both of us' cards which were next to the 'new dad' and 'dad to be' cards. So, I started to get upset. Now, this is not new, but it does still feel odd to me. It's the same feeling I get when I see a baby, a pregnant woman, a dad playing with his child....is it jealousy? No, not exactly. It is sad, it is realizing the unfairness of the situation and it's part fear that I won't ever get there.
There are many things that bring these pretty intense feelings up. Other than what I mentioned, there are my co-workers who talk about their grandchildren's first steps, the pictures of sonograms as a facebook picture (along with ALL the facebook postings about how awesome parenthood is). Some entertainment has gotten the ax (the office, the movie Up which I refuse to see until I actually have a baby) but things like father's day cards come out of nowhere!
I am pretty confident that I look like I am overreacting or reaching here to the fertiles out there. When I read in all the books that this is the reaction, I didn't believe it. How could I get upset about seeing a toddler with his parents walking down the street. Well, now I know...I really know.
I think it isn't as bad for me as for some others I know. At least I feel like I can talk to my friends and family with kids. Some people can't be around it and avoid their friends.
It's hard partly because it's so odd. People usually don't get it and when I think about people with kids and how its not me, I cry. I cry a lot, and I NEVER used to. THAT is upsetting.
I've learned that I will never put a sonogram on facebook, or in an email if I don't know the history of who is getting it. I will never ask someone if they hate kids because they leave the room when a baby comes in (this happened to me at work). I just won't judge.
For the record, I hate that this upsets me. I hate that I am afraid to hang out with my friends and their families. I hate that I have and had to leave everyone for a few minutes because I didn't want to cry in front of them. I hate being sad. It is exhausting...
So, be understanding if someone you know is in my situation. Invite her to your baby shower but don't expect her to come, and don't be upset by that. Don't talk about your baby all of the time. Try to tell her you are pregnant over an email, so she can be upset but then happy for you (because she totally IS). Understand that what she is going through is difficult, and it isn't forever. She is not being overly dramatic, but her life is all drama right now...

sweatin the summer

2010-06-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

So, this summer is free. I mean, I have nowhere to go. Some weekends or most weekends, are busy but I haven’t planned any real vacation. I can’t. We are doing IVF in August. THAT seems far away, since it is now June, but I still can’t plan for anything. I keep reading about people’s trips to the Caribbean or drives across the country, but I am planning for the occasional Friday off and I feel pretty jipped.
The d-man and I did spend four days (Wednesday, Thursday and the weekend) on a boat with my in-laws, but we were basically using them for a vacation. To be honest, that wouldn’t be my first choice. It’s VERY close quarters and when you are on a sailboat but don’t sail, it isn’t exactly a good time. Note to self (and others), NEVER jump in on someone else’s vacation. You get no say and you have to pretend to be having a good time, even when you aren’t.
But, anyway…I was told by Dr. God to enjoy the summer. I can work out, have some drinks, hit the beach, stay worry-free! All this because we have to wait a bit for cycle number two while I take a medication that could give me menopausal symptoms. If that’s not enjoyment, I don’t know what is! Aside from constant worry and still being pretty upset over the whole infertility thing, the physical aspect may make the summer somewhat hard to enjoy, but THAT’s not even my issue.
I can’t plan a trip. We have no money; it’s going to treatments. I can’t take a lot of vacation; what if I get pregnant? I need those days for maternity leave. (Contrary to popular, or my, belief, FMLA only means they can’t fire you for not working and you can work WITHOUT pay for six months if need be) I have a good six weeks in sick days and six weeks in vacation that should get me my three months. Non-paid leave? Seriously? With an extra mouth or two to feed, how the hell to people do that? Aside from vacation, I am going to be using sick days for the doctor’s appointments and the retrieval and the transfer….I need to get a lot done this summer. But I really do need something tropical.
Well, the in-laws do have a pool. I mean…not ideal, but at least it’s not on a boat.

Sex for the sake of sex

2010-06-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, where is the craziest place that you have done it? I know I've had the conversation with my girlfriends and my answer has never been that exciting. "Well, we did it in the living room a few times, is that risque?" Um, no, I came to realize pretty quickly that my sex life has been pretty tame.
Anyone who has been trying to get pregnant knows full well that even the tamest of personal bedroom escapades turns quickly to duty and monotony. For those who realize it isn't happening after just "having lots of sex a lot," soon there are three key days out of the month, then there are specific times and days that your ovulation predictor kit, or basal body temperature have told you that you need to do it NOW! Pretty soon, you are taking the husband away from the baseball game and rearranging road trips for those precious few minutes that no longer seem fun.
My situation with this particular aspect of TTC was short-lived. I tried to figure out what cervical mucus was and laid on the bed with my hips on a few pillows. Now knowing that it didn't make much difference makes it somewhat comical...or pathetic. Either way, it's pretty F'd up.
This whole idea of infertility is about sex, I mean how are babies made (well, for most people)?? Even the Catholics don't believe that IVF or IUI is acceptable in conceiving a child (that's a whole other post). My sex life is now non-existent, right? It certainly has felt that way. When we had sex after finding out it most likely wouldn't end in a pregnancy, I found it upsetting. Sex now was supposed to be for reproduction, and it can't happen? Then there is the going through IVF, protected sex, in case that .0001% chance worked and I got pregnant, the crazy drugs would be very bad for the baby and that would probably mess me up even more. Then once the stims start through the pregnancy test, no sex at all. And you know what? It wasn't really missed, well, by me anyway. That is not good, but the focus gets so messed up...
Now we are waiting for IVF #2, and I am on a crazy hormone that puts me through menopause, possibly. So far, not so much and actually, I'm feeling pretty good. In fact, the whole reason I began thinking about all of this was because the d-man and I actually had sex for the sake of having sex. No baby-making, no feeling like we should, just plain old crazy do it like teenagers. Craziest place I ever did it? Off the 301 on the Maryland/Delaware border, front seat. Not risque, but hell, it was fun.

The odd Doctor God

2010-06-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, I hadn't ever heard of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) before last October, but when my obgyn said she couldn't do anything to get me pregnant, I was told to call right away. Since then, I've learned that RE's are odd. They all seem to have different ideas of how to treat you, and yet they are all right. I've learned this from talking to others going through this since I have only seen my RE.
I call him Dr. God because I feel like that is what he really thinks he is. I mean, seriously, who gets into the business of making babies who doesn't have a god complex? Sure, there appears to be a lot of money in it, but there is no question in my mind that Dr. God isn't just in it for the money...
So, why is he odd? Well, in meeting number one, he talked about his new treadmill, how people in San Francisco and Canada are better because they "just liiive," and a bit about our problems. In our second meeting, prior to IVF #1, I asked a few too many questions and he got super defensive. He LOVES analogies and said that this experience should be like riding in a car in a new place, if I kept telling the driver how to drive and where to turn, I'd miss the beautiful countryside. Then he told me not to ask the nurses too many questions because they would take it out on me. Ummm, so yeah, I challenged him a bit.
Oddly, I somehow still feel confident with him. He says bizarre things, he talked about how IVF is like making soup, and we have to find the right ingredients (analogies), but I think he really means it. He also does all the procedures himself, and is very good with the bad news. SO, odd? you bet, good? stay tuned...